Thursday, April 23, 2009

Read the Shocking Andy Kennedy Court Transcript: Plus, How in the Hell does Chris Henry play into all of this?

Unless you've been in some sort of heroin induced haze for the last four months, you probably heard that former Bearcat basketball head coach and current Mississippi coach Andy Kennedy was arrested in December for disorderly conduct. If you've been so wrapped up in season five of The Hills that you completely missed this whole melee, you can read about it here, here and here.

Anyway, back to today's story, on Monday, April 20, Kennedy went to court and pled guilty... to something. (No one knows for sure what) Since you probably weren't in the courtroom and since we here at INSIC know you want to know what happened, we beat up three people to obtain an illegal copy of Monday's court transcript. Finally, because our Mexican transcriber Miguel, who works for two cents an hour, is on vacation, we only transcribed the important parts.

Transcription Key:
Andy Kennedy
Kennedy's Criminal Lawyer (Mike Allen)
Kennedy's Wife (Kimberly)
Judge Dwane Mallory
Cabbie Kennedy made fun of (Mohamed Moctar Jiddou)
Valet Witness for Cabbie (Michael Strother)
Cabbie's Attorney (David Mann)
Chris Henry (It's pretty obvious by now, whenever you combine alcohol with a high profile arrest in Cincinnati, Chris Henry has to be involved)

Bailiff: Would all please rise for the honorable Judge Dwane Mallory....

(12 minutes into testimony Judge Mallory asks Kennedy and his attorney if Kennedy will in fact be pleading guilty)

Allen: Your honor the only thing my client is guilty of is being innocent. So yes, we're pleading guilty to the charge of being innocent.

Judge: With all due respect Mr. Allen, that's not what Mr. Kennedy was charged with. As a matter of fact, that charge doesn't even exist or make sense, why in the world would we ever charge anyone with being innocent, everybody all the time would plead guilty to being innocent. And no one would ever be convicted of anything, except for being innocent of course. Mr. Allen, you are dumbing down this court every time you open your mouth and if I wasn't drunker than Paula Abdul right now, you'd be in jail faster then Chris Hanson can surprise a child predator. Mr. Prosecutor, please repeat the charges to Mr. Allen and Mr. Kennedy.

Prosecutor: Yes, your honor, Mr. Kennedy is charged with disorderly conduct. According to Mr. Jiddou, Mr. Kennedy punched him in the head, called him racist names like Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. He also called Mr. Jiddou a 'sand n!gger.'

Kennedy: Hold on a second here, as I've said for the last four months, this is a complete misunderstanding.

Kimberly: I'll tell you what's not a misunderstanding, Andy and I haven't played genitalia bingo in four months. B-10 honey.... (Quick aside: apparently the Kennedy's sex life has also fallen victim to this whole ordeal, update yourself here)

Judge: Mrs. Kennedy, please never say the words genitalia or bingo in the same sentence ever again.

Kennedy: As I was saying - complete misunderstanding. First of all, lets be honest, doesn't he (Mr. Jiddou) kind of look like Saddam?

(Murmurs are heard in the court, someone is heard saying, "that's weird because when I walked in here today, I actually thought to myself 'what the hell is Saddam Hussein doing in a Cincinnati courtroom?')

Judge: ORDER IN THE COURT, we understand your point Mr. Kennedy, Mr. Jiddou does bare a striking resemblance to Mr. Hussein.

Kennedy: Thank you your honor.

Mann: Ob-fucking-jection your honor, are you seriously falling for this. Not only does my client not even remotely look like Saddam Hussein, but the deposed Iraqi dictator has been dead for over two years, how could he possibly claim a case of mistaken identity with someone who's been dead for that long.

Kennedy: I didn't know he was dead.

Judge: He didn't know he was dead, that's reasonable, I buy it. However Mr Kennedy: Osama Bin Laden, sand n!gger, how do you respond to those claims.

Kennedy: Your honor, I'll make this as simple as possible, I like sand and I like n!ggers, so really, it was like a double compliment. Sometimes when I'm thinking of sex and little kittens, I call my wife a sex kitten, it's the same principle and she never gets offended or presses charges.

Judge Mallory: Thats crazy Mr. Kennedy. Just last week I was eating some Ho Ho's and taking out a trash bag and while walking down the driveway, I see my neighbor Karen and I say 'hey ho bag.' She gets offended at first, but then I explain that very same principle to her, how I like Ho Ho's and I like taking out trash bags and how it was actually a double compliment - she understood completely. Now we just laugh about it every time we see each other.

Mann: Your Honor, you can't be serious, just as Lance Bass's 2001 romantic comedy 'On the Line' made a mockery of Hollywood, Mr. Kennedy is making a complete mockery of your courtroom. Sand n!gger is one of the most offensive terms in the English language. This man needs to go to jail.

Judge: Mr. Mann, please calm down because if you don't I will not hesitate to have you handcuffed and thrown in jail.

Kimberly: If you handcuff him, I have to get a piece of that, I love handcuffs. they're so kinky.

Judge: Mrs. Kennedy, there are children in the courtroom. And can someone please have sex with this woman soon.

Kennedy: Honey, please be patient - me, you and three Bearcat cheerleaders will be in a hotel room after this, I promise... Although you'll really just be there for support.

Judge: Again people, there are children present. Can we get back to this case? Mr. Kennedy, why did you call Mr. Jiddou Osama Bin Laden?

Kennedy: Honestly your honor, I was watching Fox News the night before the arrest and they end each newscast with an "Osama Update." And according to that night's report, Osama had left the mountains of Pakistan only to be spotted driving yellow cabs in and around Cincinnati. I was simply doing my due diligence as a citizen of this country and trying to get an international terrorist arrested by yelling his name as loud and as often as I could.

Judge: Mr. Prosecutor, why the hell is this man in my courtroom, he's the opposite of a criminal, he is a modern day Jesus Christ. Mr. Kennedy, for your courageousness, I will be recommending you for a Purple Heart, a Medal of Honor and a Grammy award. And if I can swing it, I'll make sure you get free chocolate Frosty's from Wendy's for the rest of your life. Now let me ask my next question, you obviously hit Mr. Jiddou in the head because you thought he was Mr. Bin Laden.

Mann: Your honor, I don't want to get into semantics, but that wasn't even a question, you just essentially agreed with the fact that Mr. Kennedy's physical assault of my client was OK because he thought my client was an international terro-

Judge: Mr. Mann, unless you want to watch the Jonas Brothers movie 24 hours a day for the next 3 years, I suggest you let Mr. Kennedy answer the question. So Mr. Kennedy, you punched Mr. Jiddou because he is a dead ringer for Osama Bin Laden.

Kennedy: Correct sir.

Strother: Your honor, I think you should know that I witnessed this whole incident from the bar across the street and this is not what happened at all. As matter of fact, what Mr. Kennedy is describing is as far away from the truth as one could possibly be. First of all, Mr. Jiddou might look like an unpaid extra off the set of Slumdog Millionaire, but he does not even remotely look like Saddam Hussein. Secondly your honor, your a black man, are you really about to let Mr. Kennedy off the hook even though he used a term like ni- (Judge interrupts)....

Judge: Son are you about to call me a ni- (stops himself).... in my own courtroom. I am absolutely furious, if I hear a word out of your mouth that even has the letter 'N' in it, I'll... (Strothers interrupts)

Strothers: I was only...

Judge: Bailiff, please arrest Mr. Strothers or at the very least, take all of his clothes off and put him in a locked room with Mrs. Kennedy who will most likely tear him in half.

Mann: Are you F-ing crazy, this kid just told you exactly what happened on the night in question. Mr. Kennedy, in a blatant and unsettling show of racism displayed a complete and total disregard for Cincinnati law. He should be hanged on fountain square or at the very least, he should be forced to coach in a blatantly racist part of the country where minorities outnumber white people. I'm thinking an SEC school.

Judge: Mr. Mann, are you done talking yet because everyone stopped listening about five minutes ago. Mr. Kennedy is at an SEC school you idiot.

Mann: Wow, this whole thing is starting to make a lot of sense now your honor.

Judge: Shut your mouth, I've made my decision, we're going to give Mr. Kennedy the Chris Henry sentence. Do you agree with that Mr. Henry?

Chris Henry: You know what the funny thing is your honor, the night he (Kennedy) got arrested, I was just leaving the Mason High School Winter Formal with my two drunk underage sophomore dates. Coach Kennedy was supposed to meet us in the back of a closed tattoo parlor with a box of condoms, some shoe shine and season three of Hannah Montana, but he never showed... (interrupted by Kennedy)

Kennedy: Chris, can you please close your mouth and never talk again.

Judge: Mr. Kennedy, after thinking long and hard... (interrupted by Kennedy's wife)

Kimberly: Did someone just say long and hard?

Judge: Wow Mrs. Kennedy, you are a female Charlie Sheen. Anyway, Mr. Kennedy, I have decided that your drunken display of mistaken identity (Hussein sighting) and vigilance (trying to stop Bin Laden) will garner you six months probation, $100 in fines and 40 hours community service. Case Dismis- (Allen interrupts)

Allen: Hold on your honor, we have a character witness.

Judge: Mr. Allen what the hell are you talking about, I just gave Mr. Kennedy the same sentence I would give someone who littered for the first time, I really can't do much better.

Allen: I call Bob Huggins to the stand...

Chris Henry: Bob Who?

Kennedy: Chris, you live in Cincinnati, you went to West Virginia and you don't know who Bob Huggins is, see, this is why we don't hang out any more. Well, that and because your black...

Everyone in the courtroom GASPS!

(To be Continued... actually it won't be, but it might be)

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