Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Former Falcons Coach Dan Reeves Feels Sorry For Matthew Stafford, Why? Because Detroit Drafted Him


Who doesn't love getting 9 p.m. calls from their boss?

The crappy thing is, when this happens, you only have two options: ignore the call and deal with it the next day or answer the phone, pretend you're drunk and tell him you're having a threesome.

Either one of these works. However, since I wasn't drunk or having a threesome yesterday, I answered the fateful call.

My Boss: Breech, I have some good news and some bad news.

Me: Let me guess, I'm fired and we don't really have health insurance.

My Boss: Close. The bad news, you need to cover an event tomorrow at 7:30 a.m., the good news, you get a free breakfast.

Me talking to you, the reader: As everyone knows, the only way getting up before 9 a.m. is OK is if there's free food involved.

After 37 minutes of a back and forth conversation that went nowhere, I find out the assignment: I get to eat a free breakfast and then listen to a speech by former Falcons, Giants and Broncos coach, Dan Reeves.

For those of you who didn't read the last paragraph or if you're one of those people that regularly visits TMZ.com, you might not know who Dan Reeves is.

He's a former NFL head coach. He took the Broncos to three Super Bowls and the Falcons to one (I guess I should throw in that he went 0-4). He also coached the New York football Giants. And he won a Super Bowl as a Cowboy, so don't throw a pity party for the man because he lost four big ones.

Anyway, back to the breakfast. I'm the only media member in attendance, but I'm still required to sit at a table while the meal is being served. So I sit with a bunch of strangers, one guy who is apparently running for Governor of Georgia, and since I'm the worst non-sports reporter in the world, I can't tell you his name, but I think it's DuBose, can someone google that please.

Lets see, after pocketing my free $2 dollar bill (some company put two dollar bills on everyone's placemat, obviously thinking this was the most brilliant marketing ploy ever, my thoughts, 'thanks for the gallon of gas,') and then eating my sausage and eggs, I listened intently to Mr. Reeves.

Here are my favorite quotes from Mr. Reeves, who might be the nicest person in the world:

Reeves: I say this as affectionately as possible, but people don't want to live in Detroit.

That's right coach, jump on Detroit when they're down, I've already done it, just check out my piece on the unemployment rate in Michigan. When a 67-year-old man is making fun of your decrepit city, you're in trouble.

To be fair, Reeves made this statement when asked about Matt Stafford's chance at success, which are zero. Anyway, he said no player in their right mind wants to be in Detroit during the offseason, so it will be hard for Stafford to build a rapport with any of his players. (Stafford definitely should fire his agent, sure he got Matt $40 million guaranteed, but there's a big catch: Stafford has to live in Detroit year round... Our advice Matt, give the money back and move out of there as quickly as possible)

Reeves:
Guys don't want to spend the offseason in Detroit. After they play their last game, they're ready to leave, their bags are already packed.

I went to Detroit in 2005, here is a brief synopsis of my stay: Drink beer so I don't remember visit to ugly city, make fun of Lions fans who were all wearing Bengals colors because it was 'fire Matt Millen' day, give beer to homeless person, (which is now my favorite go-to joke ever), watch Bengals destroy Lions in 'battle of who is the worse team ever,' which the Bengals settled emphatically by putting up 41 on the hapless Lions.

That's right Detriot, we ripped your soul out before General Motors, Chrysler and your philandering Mayor did.

Reeves: Detroit is going to be a difficult place for him to win.

The best thing about my whole morning is that Reeves doesn't sugar coat anything. He knows what I know about the Lions; Joe Montana in his prime couldn't turn the team around. They're like the Bengals, except worse. Jim Schwartz is going to go 1-15 and get a 3-year extension because that would be an improvement on last season.

Reeves: I just wish Matt had taken another year in college. One more year in school doesn't sound like a lot, but it is, especially for maturity at the quarterback position.

This is Reeves way of saying 'Matt, you would have been a success if you had played for any other team, but the Lions have less hope then a quadriplegic in a paddle boat heading towards a waterfall. Retire now.

Moral of the story kids: Stay in school or you'll end up homeless in Detroit.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

How Slow is Falcons Offensive Tackle Sam Baker: Watch the Video and Find Out

video


After you watch this video, you'll realize two things; someone drunker then Bob Huggins must have filmed it and Sam Baker doesn't actually eat children, he pukes on them.

At Matt Ryan's football camp last weekend, Baker stuck around and raced some kids afterward. Now of course he lets them win, but near the end, he puts his hands on his waste and makes the 'I'm going to puke on the next little bastard I see' face.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Ochocinco Goes Mike Tyson on us and Tattoos His Face



Dear Cincinnati,

Nothing is cooler then tattooing your face, how do I know, because I did it this evening. Now I didn't go all Mike Tyson and cover half my face, but I must say face tattooing will be the next big thing... mainly because I'm doing it.

And that whole thing about me and Carson being Brokeback Mountain... Wow that was gay. I have to admit that I had never seen the movie before and I don't think that is exactly what I meant, as a matter of fact I meant the opposite of what i said. But I have a tattoo on my face, I didn't see one of those in Brokeback Mountain, so think about that.

Now that I've had a night I think about it actually, I'd say we're more like Operation Dumbo Drop. Carson is the big elephant and I am the black guy trying to save him. Although in the movie, Danny Glover did an exceptional job as the black guy, but again, I have tattoos on my face, so I will undoubtedly be better.

Please follow me on twitter,

Love,

Ochocinco

John Breech and Falcons Quarterback Matt Ryan Arm Wrestle to Death


John Breech: Hey Ryan, you throw like a Girl.

Matt Ryan: At least I've seen one naked.

John Breech: So have I if your mom counts.

Matt Ryan: You keep my mom out this and I'll keep this (motioning to his midsection) out of your mom.

That's how I imagined this past weekend's arm wrestling match started. But unfortunately, if I told you that, it would be a lie.

Saturday's 'Over the Top' match with Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan went more like this:

John Breech: Dude, have you ever lifted a weight in your life? [see accompanying picture for lanky arms]

Matt Ryan: I'm a quarterback not a bodybuilder.

John Breech (thinking to himself): I bet I could take this wimp in arm wrestling.

Lesson of the Day: If you're 5'6" and 155 pounds, the chances are pretty great that you can't beat an NFL player at anything, let alone arm wrestling.

Although we'll never know if Matt would have won because the match was stopped before it could take place.

Apparently if you sign a $72 million contract with a professional sports team, they expect you not to put their investment in danger. In this case, Matt's right arm (his arm wrestling and throwing arm) would have been put in grave danger because I'm what people in the arm wrestling world call an 'unstoppable force.'

So instead of arm wrestling, we ate tacos provided by a local Atlanta taco chain (Twisted Taco) that supports the Steelers. And yes, I did puke it all up afterward, because if there is anything I hate more then the Steelers, it's taco chains that support the Steelers.

Also, I took Matt's empty powerade bottle and I will be selling it on Ebay, he has demanded a 10 percent cut, but I'm OK with that.

Finally, notice that he is standing up. What a cheat, everyone knows arm wrestling rule number one: no standing up. This tactic gave him an obvious leverage advantage, just for that, I'm not going to any Falcons games this year. I can't possibly support someone who cheats at arm wrestling and more importantly, I can't possibly support a team that's quarterbacked by a cheater.

Next Week: John plays chess with Carson Palmer.

Phoenix Suns Superstar Amare Stoudemire Gets Shot Down at Buckhead Hotel


A Special Report on Racism By John Breech

Note: John won a Pulitzer with his last special report: Why You Shouldn't Punch Your Girlfriend in Front of a Cop


Just when it looked like racism was over forever, two ugly stories rear their heads this week, one of them an Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati exclusive.

First up, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported yesterday that four black men are suing the Waffle House for discriminatory practices. Its alleged that the men went into the well-known waffle establishment around 2:30 a.m. in October and were basically refused service.

According to the men, they were told they would have to wait 30 to 40 minutes to have their order taken. While they were waiting the 30 to 40 minutes to have their order taken, several people who aren't black and who most would call white, walked into the restaurant and promptly placed an order.

The waitress, who probably didn't vote for Obama, kicked the four men out after one of them made a smart ass comment when she tried to take their order. The man said something to the effect of 'it hasn't quite been 40 minutes, we can keep waiting,' the waitress, for whatever reason was offended by this and tossed the men out of the restaurant.

Two white patrons at the restaurant were allegedly so offended by what happened that they went outside and apologized to the black men.

The kicker of the whole incident is that when police arrived, instead of aiding the men, one of them simply said, "Next time, go to IHOP."

First of all F*ck face, if I want waffles, I'm going to a waffle place not IHOP, second of all, there's only three IHOP's in all of the greater Cincinnati area.

Leave it to the West Chester Twp. police to make a lame-ass IHOP joke.

Anyway, here's my take: I've been into a Waffle House at 2:30 a.m. and let me say this, it is borderline impossible to get kicked out of there. Unless you're committing third degree murder or doing an eight ball of coke off of your girlfriends exposed breast, you're not going to be asked to leave.

Verdict: I hope they win $10 Bajillion dollars and free waffles for life.

INSIC EXCLUSIVE

Next up is the case of Amare Stoudemire, the nicest guy in the NBA. As everyone probably knows already, with the exception of JJ Redick and Adam Morrison, everyone in the NBA is either black or european.

This brings us to the black Mr. Stoudemire who was recently in Atlanta doing what rich 26-year-olds do: wasting as much money as possible and having fun.

On a certain Monday, Stoudemire and his entourage rolled into the posh W hotel in Buckhead. Stoudemire's crew, which was rolling about 20 people deep, was two things: hungry and mostly black.

After the powers that be at the W consulted, they decided that they didn't have enough staff on duty to take a party of 20. Stoudemire and company would probably have spent upwards of $3,000.

After Stoudemire was told that the restaurant was understaffed, he politely left without raising a ruckus.

My take on the situation: I worked in the restaurant industry for seven years, I don't care if the only two people on duty are a quadriplegic cook and a dead squirrel, no manager worth anything would turn down $3,000 worth of business.

Whoever was running the W that night absolutely crapped their pants when they saw 8 escalades and 19 black guys roll up. It's too bad Stoudemire didn't make a stink of this whole thing because if there is one place in Atlanta that thinks there sh!t doesn't stink, it's the W.

Oh and the kicker in the Stoudemire situation is that no one at the W knew it was millionaire basketball player Amare Stoudemire. You can bet that if they had known, they would have seated the man faster then you can say "emancipation proclamation."

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Stern Fires All NBA Refs After Kobe-LeBron Finals Doesn't Materialize


By John Breech/Staff

David Stern wasn't kidding. Three days after the Orlando Magic eliminated the Cleveland Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference Finals, the NBA commissioner has reacted by firing all 65 referees currently under contract with the league.

In a terse statement released by the NBA at 12:32 p.m. today, Stern was unapologetic about chopping 65 jobs during a recession: "I think we can all agree that stupid people shouldn't have jobs," the commissioner said. "And after you hear what I'm about say, you'll realize that every NBA ref was walking the fine line between 'stupid' and 'not smart, but not stupid.'"

Stern then vindicated conspiracy theorists everywhere with his next line, "Most people already know that the NBA is more fixed than professional wrestling," the statement began. "So what I am about to say should not come as a shock to anyone that has ever watched an NBA game."

"Myself and Joe Borgia [the league's head of officiating] had a lengthy discussion with each official at the beginning of the season. We told them that they could interpret the rulebook however they wanted this year...with one catch; Kobe and LeBron had to make it to the Finals."

Many have theorized that NBA games are fixed, but Stern, elaborating on his fixed comment two paragraphs above, shook that off, saying only some games are fixed and that the NBA has never fixed a Clippers game. "If you have ever bet real, actual American money on the Clippers, then you probably shouldn't be gambling in the first place."

Stern also explained why game officials were rarely punished this year.

"Yes, our referees showed a blatant disregard for the rules this season, but we were willing to look the other way because Kobe and LeBron were on track to meet in the Finals."

At that point, Stern began to shed tears as he continued reading the statement, "According to our research, a Kobe-LeBron finals would have reaped benefits for every man, woman, and child alive."

"The two of those superstars in a seven-game series would have ended the economic crisis, fixed California's financial problems, and brought in over $86 billion in merchandise sales. Thanks to our selfish officials, who decided to grow a conscience for this one series [the Eastern Conference Finals], none of this will happen."


Stern finished the statement with more shocking news, "We now have a standing invitation to any and all current or former WWE officials. They will have first dibs on these 65 spots. If we are unable to fill our roster in this manner, we will rehire Tim Donaghy and anyone he vouches for. Thank you for your time and I won't be answering any questions."


Stern also apologized to the city of Cleveland, "Although the city of Cleveland is beyond repair and no amount of cash inflow could ever help it, it would have been nice for the 17 rich and successful people in Cleveland to have attended the NBA Finals to cheer on their Cavaliers."