Friday, February 19, 2010

Cincinnati Reds GM Walt Jocketty turns ?? Today Which Means INSIC's 2010 Season Prediction

Pictured above is Cincinnati Reds General Manager Walt Jocketty. Today is his birthday. Lets play a game of 'Guess how old he is.'

If you guessed 86, you are wrong, Mr. Jocketty turns 59 today (Clearly he is 86, but his people insist he is 59).

So now you're probably wondering, 'why the hell are you wasting my time with a post on Walt Jocketty? Where the crap is you're minute-by-minute breakdown of the Tiger Woods press conference?"

Both good questions.

Here at the blog, there is nothing we like doing more than making ridiculously early predictions about Cincinnati sports teams. Walt Jocketty's birthday provided the perfect segue to our Reds prediction. Plus we want to prove that we're not a one-trick pony, we like to think we know as much about baseball as we do about football.

Anyway, back in May, we predicted the Bengals would go 10-6. The Bengals went 10-6. We wanted to predict the Reds would go 10-6, but apparently they play more than 16 games.

Alright, time to stop stalling: without further Adieu, here is our Cincinnati Reds 2010 prediction:

Reasons the Reds will suck: Dusty Baker

Reasons the Reds will not suck: The team signed a Cuban pitcher in January. For those of you that stopped following baseball in 1997, let us refresh your memory as to the two most important things a baseball team can do in the offseason:

1. Sign a pitcher
2. Sign a Cuban

If you do both of these things in the same offseason, that's like having sex with Brooklyn Decker while Bar Refaeli video tapes (Or for you women, it's like having sex with Josh Duhamel while one of those guys from Twilight video tapes).

Aroldis Chapman, welcome to the team.

Guy who can make the Reds good: Free agent signee Orlando Cabrera. We all know that Joey Votto and Brandon Phillips are awesome. They field, they hit, they can probably bake birthday cakes. What we don't know is what Orlando Cabrera can do for the Reds.

The guy is going to play shortstop and bat second, so he's kind of important. The problem is that he's 35, but the problem is he probably isn't 35. He was born in Colombia where birth certificates are printed on sheep skin, so we're guessing he's probably 41.

The bottom line: Please don't suck Cabrera.

Guy who can make the Reds suck: Dusty Baker. Baker does one thing well. Unfortunately that thing happens to be ruining the career of young pitchers (Just ask Mark Prior or Kerry Wood). This does not bode well for that newly acquired pitcher from Cuba we talked about earlier.

Thankfully, the Reds staff is filled with savvy veterans (Harang, Arroyo, Cordero) who will ignore every other word that comes out of Baker's mouth.

So what does this mean?

The Cincinnati Reds (believe it or not) will finally be in a pennant chase: INSIC thinks the home team will go 86-76. And as always, suck it Cubs fans.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Valentine's Day: A Single Guy's Christmas

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you’re probably thinking, “John, what the hell are you talking about, Christmas already came on Dec. 25, I remember because I hated it; my girlfriend got me a sweater, a pair of socks and a Miley Cyrus CD."

OK, so it's true, Christmas already came, but if you think about it, Dec. 25 is the sucky Christmas: Family, fruitcakes, caroling -- nobody likes that stuff. For single guys February 14th is the real Christmas: drunk sex, sober sex, ear sex -- it can all be done on the 14th.

For some reason, on February 14th, all the single girls in the world act like they're on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound, picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

Now you single guys out there (and guys in relationships I guess, I mean, who am I to discriminate against anyone who wants to get some) need to take advantage of this opportunity because like Arbor Day, it only comes along once a year.

If you've talked to any single girl in the past 10 years, she has probably mortified you with at least eight tails of Valentine’s Day disappointment. She probably also let you know that her and her friends refer to the 14th as “Single’s Awareness Day,” (Really desperate girls refer to it by its acronym, SAD).

Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they're basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, a taco; Jesus H. Christ, just give me something that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (Although, please keep in mind, if the porn star she wants to act like is one of the females from 2 girls, 1 cup, you might want to find someone else)

Because God loves men, over the last 10 years Valentine’s Day has turned into the Super Bowl of one night stands. If chivalry is still alive, then we as a male species, need to step up and literally “do” our duty. (And by duty, I really mean “closest girl friend that is single.”)

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me or look like Mort Goldman, well let me assure you, you guys can get laid too. If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything. I once told a girl that I was related to John Candy, the conversation went like this... ME: You know, I'm related to John Candy. HER: Oh my god, I want do him so bad. ME: Umm, he's dead. HER: Really? Oh well, I've never heard of him anyway, let's get naked. Four minutes later, we were doing it in a Waffle House bathroom.

Examples of other famous people you can say you're 'related' to are: Charlie Sheen, Dennis Hopper, Jeffrey Dahmer, Timothy McVeigh -- sure, he's the Oklahoma City bomber -- but if you make it sound cool to be related to him, you're getting laid.

I implore every single guy reading this to remember one thing today: getting a girl home on February 14th is easier than bowling a 37 with bumpers on; an eight-year-old with lumpy skin virus could do it.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are 98.7 percent. The only way you can blow it tonight is if you get hit by a truck or a bus on the way to the bar. Statistics say this is not probable.

Seriously college guys, for you, the math is this simple; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals lots of sex and even more unwanted pregnancies.

Non college guys, don't get your hopes down.

If you’re a male between the ages of 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and voted for Barack Obama, you’re as good as laid.

If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and can name two characters in the movie "Twilight," you’ll go home with someone hot tonight. Hot single girls like Twilight, it's a fact. They'll probably pretend you're Jacob the whole time you're having sex, but who cares, you're having sex.

Finally, if you’re over 45, good god, you don’t even have to try -- just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you.

Oh and one more thing, if you were born on or around November 14 (ahem, Jeff Binkowski, my nephew Simon), you are the product of a drunken Valentine's liaison. You know what that means -- your parents are probably celebrating by doing it right now. Wow that's gross.

John Breech wrote this for Valentine's Day 2005, he has made yearly revisions since, and he would like to say hi to his mom.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Thanks to Ochocinco, Bengals Offseason Goes From Bad to Worse

Remember the year 2006 when 27 Bengals got arrested, well, it only took Ochocinco one snap of the camera to one up the stupidity of that entire off season.

The way we see it is if Rey Maualuga wants to drive a Pontiac Sunfire drunk (2010), that's fine. If Jonathan Joseph wants to possess marijuana (2007), go for it. If Frostee Rucker feels the need to commit spousal battery (2006), great.

But there is absolute no excuse for any self respecting man to be pictured with 'The Situation' or any other cast member from Jersey Shore. Chad's man card, self-respect and credibility have all been destroyed by one flash of the camera.

We here at INSIC will be burning our 85 jerseys tonight in a fire we will ignite with three matches and a bottle of Pauly D's hair gel.

If NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has a soul, he will suspend Chad at least two games for 'conduct detrimental to the league.'

Sunday, February 7, 2010

JIm Breech Reaction to Saints Garrett Hartley Breaking His Super Bowl record

Anyone watching the Super Bowl right now might have noticed that Saints kicker Garrett Hartley just set a Super Bowl record: most 40-yard field goals in a game. Hartley broke the record of the Bengals all-time leading scorer Jim Breech.

In Super Bowl XXIII, Breech hit field goals of 40, 34 and 43 yards in the Bengals 20-16 loss to the 49ers.

How did Breech react.

"I didn't even know I had the record," he said. "Four seconds after I found out, Hartley broke [the record]. Holding the record was fun for the four seconds I knew about it."

Whether he knew or not, Breech's performance is among the most clutch in NFL history for any kicker not named Adam Vinatieri.

Twenty-one kickers had made two field goals or more in a Super Bowl before tonight, Breech was the only one that made two from 40-yards or more.

Breech is arguably the second best clutch kicker in NFL history. He holds the all-time over time record (9/9, NFL record for most OT kicks and most OT kicks without a miss), he never missed a kick in the final two minutes of a three point or less game and he is sixth place on the all-time playoff percentage list (9/11, 82 percent, minimum 10 kicks).

You can read the post below for Breech's pick in tonight's game.

INSIC's Super Bowl Pick (Plus a Bonus Pick From the Cincinnati Bengals All-time Leading Scorer)

In the past month, we here at INSIC have learned three things:

1. Don't get into a Pontiac Sunfire with Rey Maualuga.

2. Don't call Heidi Montag's doctor for plastic surgery.

3. Don't bet American money on John Breech's playoff picks.

Since Breech picks winners about as well as Maualuga picks designated drivers, we've decided to enlist some help for making the pick in the big game.

We waited until the last possible minute (this post was published 90 minutes before the game), we watched more film than Peyton Manning and now, we're ready to make pick a Super Bowl winner.

Also providing a Super Bowl pick today: Bengals all-time leading scorer Jim Breech and Houston Texans safety John Busing.

Ass Alert: The following sentence is a joke that is in very poor taste, read at your own risk:

We here at the blog think that Peyton Manning will roll through New Orleans like Hurricane Katrina did. He put up 30 points on the number one defense in the NFL (Jets). This makes us think he'll put up at least 50 on the Saints.

INSIC Pick: Colts 43, Saints 35 (We decided the Colts will not score 50).

Now, its time to let our celebrity panel make their picks.

First up Jim Breech.

Jim Breech is the Bengals all-time leading scorer. If Joe Montanta had been born homeless or as a woman, Breech would have won the MVP in Super Bowl XXIII when he hit three field goals in the Bengals 20-16 loss. Breech's 40-yarder with 3:20 left in the game put the Bengals up 16-13. Then, Montana did what Montana does: rip out hearts. The 49er quarterback led his team on a 92-yard drive in the game's final three minutes. The drive culiminated with 34 seconds left when Montana hit John Taylor with a 10-yard touchdown pass.

Breech thinks that come 10:30 p.m. tonight, Manning will be getting sized for Super Bowl ring number two.

Jim Breech pick: Colts 34, Saints 27

Next up, John Busing.

Busing used to play for the Cincinnati Bengals, now he's spending his free time at Reliant Stadium as a member of the Houston Texans.

The coolest thing Busing has ever done?

He was the first person ever to intercept the human taco. No, that is not a lame Taco Bell joke. Busing was the first player in the NFL to pick off Mark Sanchez.

We here at the blog nicknamed Sanchez the Human Taco, we think this ranks up there with 'The Situation' as coolest nickname ever. Please call Sanchez the Human Taco. Busing, for his awesome interception, has won free tacos for life from this blog.

John Busing pick: Colts 28, Saints 24

This update was posted live from Charlotte at a Super Bowl party. The person hosting the party has demanded that his Super Bowl pick be made public:

Brad Parsanko pick: Colts 38, Saints 31

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati Celebrates Its One Year Anniversary

This blog started one year ago today doing what Cincinnati sports fans do best: making fun of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Sure they have six Super Bowl Championships, but that's offset by the fact that all of their fans smell like beef jerky.

Anyway, back to INSIC. In the past year, we proved that Shayne Graham is on facebook (his people denied his Facebook profile was real, then they said it was and in case you're wondering, he hasn't really been accepting new friend requests since the Jets game) and we were the only web site anywhere to pick the Bengals exact record for the 2009 season (10-6).

Because of our anniversary, we here at INSIC are starting a new series today. From now on, every other Tuesday for the next seven years, we are going to rehash a sporting event in Cincinnati history that will make you throw up the arugula salad that your wife packed you for lunch.

The Reds have been terrible since 1991, the Bengals bad luck has existed since 1968, and even our college teams fail to win national championships.

This horrible span of Cincinnati sports suckiness will be called "The Curse of Stanley Wilson's Drug Dealer."

For those of you that don't know, Stanley Wilson was the starting fullback for the 1988 Bengals. The night before the Super Bowl, Wilson was caught with an amount of cocaine that would make a Colombian drug dealer jealous. How Wilson got that Cocaine? No one knows. Since the NFL doesn't allow crack addicts to play in Super Bowls, Wilson wasn't allowed to play in the game. The Bengals lost by four.

So without further adieu, lets start our new series on why it's never sunny in cincinnati:

First up (Bearcat fans may want to turn their heads):

Location: Memphis, TN
Date: March 2, 2000
Important Moment: Conference USA Tournament Quarterfinals

Most UC fans have repressed this memory. The fans who didn't repress it simply drank to the point of black out which means the alcohol repressed the memory.

What memory are we talking about here?

The one where Kenyon Martin's right leg breaks like a New Orleans water levee during Hurricane Katrina.

UC was a legit contender for the national title during the 1999-2000 season. Going into the month of March, they were no. 1 in the land. However, that all changed three minutes into their conference quarterfinal game against St. Louis.

So what happened to Martin, let's let the Associated Press describe it: Martin was setting a pick when he got tangled up with Saint Louis' Justin Love. Martin's ankle turned underneath him as he fell, tearing several ligaments and then breaking his fibula.

Now, let's make a long story short.

On selection Sunday, the Bearcats became the first top ranked team in the history of college basketball to not get a no. 1 seed for the NCAA tournament. Coach Bob Huggins cried foul, he said his team still deserved a top seed. The Bearcats went out and proved Huggins statement by promptly losing in the second round to seventh seed Tulsa.

Who does INSIC blame?

Mr. and Mrs. Love. If Justin Love's parents had aborted him, Kenyon would have never have broken his leg and the Bearcats would be national champions.

Be sure to check back later this week for our Super Bowl pick and don't miss next Tuesday's reason why It's Never Sunny in Cincinnati.