Tuesday, March 30, 2010

After Xavier Loss To Stanford, Cincinnati Now Leads Country in Soul Crushing Sports Losses

If you're a Xavier student and you're reading this blog entry right now, good for you, you didn't drown yourself to death in a puddle of tears, whiskey and Milwaukee's Best last night.

Usually when your women's basketball team loses a game, no one notices, mainly because no one watches women's college basketball (no, we're not sexist, we're going by the ratings).

Unfortunately for Xavier though, 81 percent of all sports fans in the country saw some sort of highlight of last night's game. Why? Because not only was the Women's Elite Eight game against Stanford on ESPN (not ESPN 2 or ESPNU or ESPN Classic or ESPN360 or any other ESPN entity, but THE ESPN), it was also the lead highlight on Sportscenter.

Or if your Xavier's Dee Dee Jernigans, it was the lead lowlight. Jernigan's pulled a Chris Webber, only calling it a Chris Webber is an insult to Chris Webber (If you don't have time to brush up on college basketball history, Webber called a timeout in the 1993 National Championship game. The only problem, Michigan was out of timeouts. This is an automatic technical in college hoops).

Back to the Xavier game. With 17 seconds left and the game tied at 53, Jernigans missed not one but two lay ups that would have given Xavier the lead. And when we say layups, we're talking about shots that the Dog from Air Bud would have made with his eyes closed. Shots that a zookeeper could train a walrus to make and walruses don't even play basketball. Shots that an unborn baby could make from the womb of its expecting mother.

Are we piling on Jernigan's? Probably. To add insult to injury, Stanford's Jeanette Pohlen went the length of the court int he game's final four seconds and laid in the game winner at the buzzer.

If you're not a fan of reading (and who is these days) here are the highlights from the game. If you're the kind of sicko that enjoys train wrecks and male on male rape (a very under reported crime by the way) then you'll want to fast forward to the 1:07 mark of the video.

Lets see, so in the past year we had the Xavier women, the Xavier Men and last April we had this: Miami of Ohio leading in the NCAA Hockey championship game 3-1 with 1:00 left. A lock in hockey, unless of course, over 50 percent of your fan base is from Cincinnati, then you're just screwed:

Oh and don't forget about this Brandon Stokley touchdown:

Don't think we forgot about you Bearcats fans:


And in case there is any city out there that thinks they have it worse than Cincinnati, we've thrown in these last two for good measure:

Are you crying yet?

Ladies and Gentleman, this is why Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Xavier-Kansas State: Double OT Thriller Provides More Heartbreak For Cincinnati Sports Fans

This blog exists for one reason and one reason only: to put a fun spin on the heartbreak that Cincinnati sports fans suffer daily. We pray to Byron Larkin, Ken Anderson, Boomer Esiason, Chris Sabo and Lazelle Durden every day that a team in this city will win some sort of championship before Jerry Springer dies.

Tonight we might have to give up though because there is no way to spin the Xavier game, unless you've been through a botched heart surgery, you probably haven't had to endure this type of pain.

So what happened?

With only seconds left and K-State up 72-69, Xavier's Terrell Holloway prove that he's part man, part Komodo dragon and all awesome when he drained three free throws at the end of regulation to send the game into OT.

Seriously, raise your hand if you thought he was going to hit all three free throws. I'll tell you what I thought: I thought a unicorn had a better chance of walking into my kitchen and cooking a five course pancake breakfast. I did not think Holloway was going to hit all three free throws, but he did.

At the end of regulation, the only person that was screaming louder than Gus Johnson was everyone in my living room.

Lets cut to OT. Raise your hand if you thought Xavier was done in OT. I did, Ochocinco thought the Muskies were going to kiss the baby. But no, what happens: Jordan Crawford --from 17 zip codes away-- nails a 3-ball to tie the game. If you think I'm exaggerating about the 17 zip codes, watch the video at the top of the page.

The 39 fans in Kansas who didn't have a heart attack after the Northern Iowa-Kansas game popped 11 more heart pills after Crawford's three. There was more prescription medicine used in Kansas Thursday night then in Brittany Murphy's house in all of 2007.

Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be. K-State pulled out the win 101-96. Citizens of Kansas now have two days to re-up their heart medication.

On the other hand, if you're a Cincinnati sports fan, your heart medicine has probably been gone since September because here's what you've endured: Stokley's 87-yard slap in the face, De'Sean Butler's buzzer beating 3-point BANK shot in the Big East Tournament quarterfinals that beat the Bearcats, Shayne Graham choking like a drowning victim in the playoffs and now you have this.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Mick Cronin's Worst Nightmare: All Cincinnati Basketball Fans Are Happy Except for Fans of Cincinnati Basketball

For the last six hours, we here at INSIC have been debating who's having a worse month: Sandra Bullock's husband Jesse James or Cincinnati Bearcat head coach Mick Cronin.

James cheated on Bullock with a nazi white supremacist who also happens to be a stripper (pictured below). And no, that is not the plot of a weird porno that we watched last night, it is the actual plot of Sandra Bullock's life.

Think about this for a second, Bullock won an Oscar two weeks ago and now her husband is sleeping with women who have swastika tattoos and are loyal to the third reich, you really can't make that stuff up.

Anyway, that being said, Mick Cronin's life sucks more. To prove it, here is a letter that we obtained this morning. It's a letter from Mick to God that's dated March 1.

Dear God,

Please do not let the following five things happen this month:

1. Don't let my team miss the NCAA tournament.

2. OK, I know we're horrible, and number one is a lot to ask, but if we do miss the tournament, don't let it be because Bob Huggins and his Mountaineers beat us on a bank shot at the buzzer in the Big East tournament.

3. Jesus, if you're sick enough to let number two happen, please do not let Huggins advance to the Sweet 16, you know he used to have my job and everyone in Cincinnati secretly wants him back.

4. Also, please don't let Xavier in the Sweet 16. How am I suppose to get any support at UC if the stupid catholic school across town keeps advancing in the NCAA Tournament.

5. Finally, I know you work miracles, but I've given up on my first request. Instead, when you put us in the NIT, will you not put us anywhere near Dayton, nothing would be more embarrassing than losing to Dayton while watching Xavier and Huggins advance in the NCAA Tournament.



Now this brings us to our weekly winner's and loser's list that isn't actually weekly:

Losers: Mick Cronin

Winners: Everyone that is not Mick Cronin (Except for Jesse James).

Big Winners: Cincinnati Basketball fans that aren't fans of Cincinnati basketball (Lets all cheer for Hugs and X to advance to meet in the National Championship) Another big winner, anyone who personally knows 'Denise' from the Taco Bell commercials.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Bengals vs. Jets on Thanksgiving? Or Are We Just Posting so we can Feature a Green Team on St. Patrick's Day?

Usually, there are only four things to do on Thanksgiving Day: eat turkey, get drunk, make fun of your relatives and watch boring NFL games that don't involve the Bengals.

However, thanks to a New York Jets owner that complains about everything, there's a small chance that the NFL might make Turkey Day 2010 the best one ever for Bengals fans.

You see, the Giants and Jets are opening a new stadium this season and the Jets wanted to have the first regular season game there. However, as everyone knows, in the hearts of New Yorkers, the Jets are second rate. If New York sports teams were the Baldwin family, the Giants would be Alec and the Jets would be Stephen.

Anyway, the NFL held a coin toss -- with neither team present-- to decide who would host the opening game. Of course the Jets lost and the Giants will now host the Sunday night opener (against an opponent that will be announced on March 22).
Jets owner Woody Johnson (pictured) made a big stink (think of a poop covered diaper combined with dead fish, that kind of stink) and now it appears the NFL has placated Johnson by giving him a game for the Monday night opener AND for Thanksgiving (Again, opponents will be announced April 20).

According to the New York Daily News, the Jets will be hosting the final game of the NFL's Thanksgiving day Triple-header and it will kick off at 8:20 p.m.

Here's the good news for Bengals fans: the Jets only play eight home games this season, so the Bengals have a one-in-four chance of being involved in one of the big games.

Lets look at the Jets home schedule:

Buffalo Bills
Miami Dolphins
New England Patriots
Baltimore Ravens
Cincinnati Bengals
Green Bay Packers
Minnesota Vikings
Houston Texans

Buffalo has the sex appeal of Kirstie Alley (pictured below), so it's probably safe to say that they will not be chosen for either game.

The Vikings seem like the obvious choice, but most people have pegged them to kickoff the season in New Orleans for the traditional Thursday night opener hosted by the defending Super Bowl champion. Fox (who has TV rights to NFC games) will not be happy losing two Vikings games (NFL Network will be televising the Jets Thanksgiving game, NBC will televise the Saints opener), so we think the Vikings are a no go.

The Texans have only existed for seven years, their fan base is smaller than the population of Guam. Bye Houston.

Finally, Pro Football Talk is reporting that New England will play Detroit on Thanksgiving and that the Dolphins seems to be the most logical choice for the Monday night opener (the game usually matches division rivals).

So that leaves Ravens, Bengals, and Packers for Thanksgiving. You have eight months to call grandma and tell her not to come to Thanksgiving this year. Oh and in case you're wondering, the Bengals have never played on Turkey Day.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Bengals Wide Receiver Roulette is Over: Antonio Bryant Somersaults into Cincinnati

E-mail from an avid reader:

Dear INSIC: The Reds are gay, high school basketball is gay, can you please only talk about the Bengals and if you're going to write something that's not about the Bengals can you at least mention the Bengals?

INSIC: Uh, yes?

When INSIC wants breaking Cincinnati Bengals news, there's only one website we go too: JOCKlife.com.

Forty-five minutes ago, the best non-porn site on the internet (that being JOCKlife.com) reported that the Bengals have agreed to a 4-year/$28-million dollar deal with former Cowboy, Browns, 49ers and Bucs wide receiver Antonio Bryant (Yes, he has played for four teams).

(Editor's Note: Despite what we wrote above, INSIC's favorite Bengals site is not JOCKlife.com. If you take one second to click on the link, you will clearly see that the site is run by an 11-year-old with a laptop and an internet connection. Now that does beg the question, how did an 11-year-old scoop Adam Schefter on this story? We're currently looking into that.)

Jesus, that was a long Editor's note. Anyway, we're going to give you our take on the Bryant signing by putting together a good news/bad news chart.

Good News: The Bengals needed a number two wide receiver, so they signed the what most people agree was the number one guy left on the free agent market.

Bad News: Last year the Bengals needed a number two wide receiver and they signed what most considered to be the best guy left on the free agent market. His name was Laveranues Coles. He no longer plays for the team. He had Danny Devito's height and a right tackle's catching ability. The Coles signing did not work out. Coles' contract was almost exactly the same as Bryant's: 4-years, $28-million.

Good News: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers thought so highly of Bryant that they franchise tagged him following a 1,248-yard, seven touchdown season in 2008.

Bad News: Bryant followed up his awesome 2008 with a Laveranues Coles like 2009: 39 catches, 600 yards, four touchdowns (Coles had 43, 514 and five). However, in Bryant's defense, here is a list of people that played quarterback for the Bucs last season: Byron Leftwich, Josh Johnson, Josh Freeman (Notice the guy on the right isn't even smiling in the picture, he is not happy that Tampa drafted Freeman). Also, Bryant battled knee injuries (which you kind of think would be a reason NOT to sign a guy.)

Good News: He is very familiar with the end zone at Paul Brown Stadium. He scored two touchdowns against the Bengals while playing with the Browns in the 'I still can't believe it happened' 58-48 Bengals win in 2004.

Good News: Bryant has two career 1,000 yard receiving seasons (1,009 in 2005 and 1,248 in 2008).

Bad News: Bryant only has two career 1,000 yard receiving years in nine career seasons. As a matter of fact, take out the two 1,000 yard seasons and in the other seven seasons, he's never gone over 815 yards.

Good News: He will fit right in with Rey Maualuga and Leon Hall.

Bad News: He will only fit in because he will be a part of their super secret, but probably awesome, DUI club. Actually, Bryant doesn't have a DUI, he got it downgraded to reckless driving, but he did fail a drug test in 2006 which resulted in a four game suspension by the No Fun League (Seriously, what kind of employer doesn't let you smoke pot?)

Final Take: If we were Mike Brown, besides selling the team to a really rich, win-at-all costs owner, we would probably have gone with T.O. It would have been cheaper and we would have only had to sign him to a one or two year deal.

However, if 2008 Antonio Bryant shows up next season, then the Bengals have fixed the one gaping whole on the team (Wait, you say we don't have a tight end. Not true, our boy Joe Reedy at the Enquirer says we just re-upped with Daniel Coats. We dare you to name a better tight end than Coats. OK, they're all better than Coats.)

Grade: B+

Oh and on a side note, there is no way we would have let ANQUAN BOLDIN go to a DIVISION RIVAL. Jesus F. Peter Griffin, how did they let that happen? The Ravens are going to be trouble next season.

Oh and on a side note to the first side note, unless the Bengals sign T.O in the next four hours, look for Bryant to wear Ocho Uno (81).

Bengals Notes:

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Pressure... What Do You Know About Pressure?

We don't cover high school sports in this blog too often (or ever for that matter). However, today, we're going to make an exception.

Saturday evening in Georgia, INSIC founder John Breech busted out his digital camera and filmed one of the most controversial endings to a high school basketball game in the history of high school basketball.

First, lets set the stage: it was Georgia's second and third ranked teams, Milton and Norcross, facing off against each other in the state quarterfinal.

Milton High School spent most of the season ranked in the USA Today's Top 25 poll, Norcross is a national power that recently won three Georgia state titles in a row (2006, 2007, 2008).

This game had more division 1 college prospects than an NBA D-League game. Although that's not saying much because there are YMCA leagues that have more D-1 prospects than a D-League game.

Anyway, Norcross is led by Jeremy Lamb, who is headed to UConn next season while Milton is led by three juniors who will all most likely be making more money than you by 2014 (i.e. they're all ranked among the top 25 players in the country.)

Back to the game. With :03 showing on the game clock, Milton's Shannon Scott (headed to Ohio State next season) missed a long 3-pointer. It looked like Milton's season was over until 6'8" man child Julian Royal attempted a put back, but he never got the shot off because he was egregiously fouled as time expired.

Keep in mind that if he was fouled after the buzzer, Norcross wins, if he was fouled before the buzzer, he gets two shots. We have video that we have watched for six straight hours, but it's impossible to tell what sounded first: the buzzer or the whistle for the foul.

Anyway, the refs took only 30 seconds to decide that the foul came before the buzzer.

So that sets the stage for the heroic's.

Here is Royal, a junior being recruited by the likes of North Carolina, UCLA and Georgia Tech, shooting two free throws with no time left on the clock. Keep in mind, his team is trailing 51-50 with no time left when he steps up to the line.

Oh, and despite what people say, big men can hit clutch free throws; Shaquille O'Neal, please take notes.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Looks Like Ochocinco Will be Dancing With the Stars

(Chad may have to stretch a few more body parts if Julianne Hough is his partner)

According to TMZ.com, everyone's favorite NFL wide receiver has been cast for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars.

If you don't know what Dancing with the Stars is, ask your girlfriend, your mom, your sister, your fiance or your wife: one or all of them will know.

For all you men and/or Ochocinco fans out there, let us emphasize one thing here: you do not have to be embarrassed to watch the upcoming season. The show is basically a two hour soft core porn. The women wear next to nothing, they're almost all hot and the action is better than anything you can get on cinemax.

Here is how a normal conversation will go with your significant other during a Dancing with the Stars episode:

Her: Wow, that was an amazing dance move, I wish I could do that.

You (silently wishing she could do the move): No way honey, why would you wish you could spread your legs THAT wide?

If God loves the city of Cincinnati (and sadly, there's no reason to think he does) he will pair Ochocinco with Julianne Hough.

Who is Julianne Hough?

She is the hot blonde pictured three times below. Why three pictures? Easy.

We needed one of her playful side, one of her backside and one of her wearing a lacy black outfit.