Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Wall Street Journal Claims Cincinnati Reds are Third Most Hated Team in Major League Baseball

Less than two months into its existence, the Wall Street Journal's new Sports Section is already treating its readers to potential pulitzer prize winning material.

Take for instance this piece today, where the WSJ and the Nielsen Company make the claim that two of the three most hated teams in Major League Baseball reside in the state of Ohio. And yes, you read that right.

Keep in mind, the Nielsen Co. is the same company that makes up television ratings to make bad shows seem good. That is the only way to explain why 'The Hills' stayed on the air for so long.

Anyway, back to the article and why everyone hates Ohio's baseball teams.

Even though there are 94 years of research that support the fact that everyone in the country either hates the Yankees, the Red Sox or both, the Nielsen Company claims otherwise. They say that all that research is wrong and that everyone actually in fact hates the Indians (No. 1 most hated team) and the Reds (No. 3 most hated team).

At first glance, this article looks to be about as believable as the 1991 rumor that Zack Morris died in a motorcycle accident. By the way, we can all probably agree that the best three rumors ever are: Zack Morris dying, Ultimate Warrior dying and that the Olsen twins watch old episodes of Full House every night with Uncle Joey and do coke lines every time Michelle says "You got it, dude."

Anyway, after seeing the formula that the Nielsen Company used to comprise the list, it all started making sense to us. The "most hated" list is based on some weird algorithm that has to do with how many negative searches a team gets on Google.

For instance, if a Yankee fan searches, "I love A-Rod and want to have three of his babies," that is a positive search and would make the Yankees a likable team. However, the Yankees are the fifth most hated team, so it looks like their their Google searches were something a little more negative, like: "I got syphilis from a Yankees player last night, is it curable?"

So how could the Reds have so many negative google searches?

If you're like us, after every Reds loss, you google search something to the effect of, "When will Dusty Baker die?" "Why does Brandon Phillips suck this year, is he shooting up meth before every game?"

It's safe to say that the two searches above would register as negative searches for the Reds. Now if every Reds fan is typing that kind of crap into google, it makes the Reds look like a hated team.

As for the Indians, we're going to have to email the Nielsen research department and make sure searches like, "I hate Indians," and "Did all Indians die in 19th century?" didn't register in negative terms for Cleveland.

Finally, if you see a Yankees, Red Sox or Steelers fan today, remember to punch them in the face.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

2010 NFL Draft: INSIC Tells you Who the Bengals are going to Pick by Telling you who They're not Going to Pick

Finally, its here, the INSIC Mock Draft that's not actually a Mock Draft because we're only going to tell you who the Bengals are going to pick.

Forget Mel Kiper, Mike Mayock, Don Banks or Todd 'really gay' McShay, if you want to know who the Bengals are going to draft tonight, grab a glass of vodka-laced pineapple juice and read on.

Most experts like to point at a teams 'needs' when they're trying to figure out who a certain team is going to draft. We like to point at naked pictures of women, however, that has nothing to do with the draft.

OK, back to the team needs thing, we think team needs are stupid. In today's NFL, needs mean nothing, they're more useless than Corey Dillon's designated driver.

Think about it, if CJ Spiller dropped to 21, the Bengals would HAVE to think about taking him even though they have absolutely no need for him.

With that in mind, we're going to do the opposite of what most normal draftniks do, we're going to tell you who the Bengals aren't going to draft in the first round.

  1. They're not going to draft a Quarterback
  2. They're not going to draft a linebacker
  3. They're not going to draft a Running back
  4. They're not going to draft a kicker or a punter or a long snapper
  5. They're not going to trade for Ben Roethlisberger

OK, now that we've made that clear, lets talk about who they're going to draft.

The way we see it, the Bengals list goes something like this (This list is similar to many Bengals lists you've probably seen):WR Dez Bryant, S Earl Thomas, TE Jermaine Greshman, S Taylor Mays, C Maurkice Pouncey and G-OT Mike Iupati.

Bryant is the best talent in the above group and the good news? With all the questions swirling about his character, he might actually fall to 21. Luckily for Bengals fans, Mike Brown has no concerns about character. He would have drafted Jeffrey Dahmer if Dahmer had a 42-inch vertical and ran a 4.4 40.

However, Earl Thomas would be an equally intriguing pick. With a safety position that's aging like Joan Rivers, the Bengals have to think about beefing that spot up. However, Thomas may not be available when the Bengals pick at 21.

Rick Gosselin of the Dallas Morning News (if you've never heard of him, just follow Peter King on twitter, King has a man crush on him) presents the most interesting scenario in his mock draft. Gosselin has Bryant, Thomas and Gresham all available at 21. What the hell will the Bengals do if that happens?

The answer: no one knows and here's why: Mike Brown. Brown loves to meddle in the Bengals affairs and this has to scare you, the Bengals fan. Mike Brown, the man who wanted to put Jason Shirley at tight end, has a say in who the Bengals will pick tonight.

With all this in mind, we think the Bengals 2010 first round pick will be....


Remember, we don't think Mays is at the top of the Bengals draft board, we just think he'll be the highest guy left when pick 21 comes around. Plus USC picks have worked out well for the Bengals, so why not add one more.

Now here's our reasoning: At least three teams need WR's (Dolphins, Seahawks, Broncos), so Bryant is most likely gone. IF BRYANT MAKES IT TO 21, we say the Bengals take him. We don't think he'll make it.

Why not Gresham?

The Bengals haven't drafted a tight end in the first round since 1977 when we think they drafted Mike Cobb on accident (They had three first round picks that year, Cobb was taken with the third of those picks, he lasted one season with the team, so Mike Brown probably still feels burnt by this). Brown hates spending high picks on positions he isn't keen on (again, let us repeat: he tried to turn Jason Shirley into a tight end). We think Brown will veto a Gresham pick.

Earl Thomas is the only other person the Bengals would take over Mays, but we don't think he'll be available either.

So Mays it is.

Our last draft prediction: Tim Tebow goes in the first round.

We swear to God Tebow will go in the first round (That's right Tebow, we swore to your God about you, what are you going to do about it).

By the way, that picture of David Klingler at the top of the page is there to remind all Bengals fans that no matter what happens tonight, it could always be worse.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Former Bengal Corey Dillon Busted For DUI

In news that is less surprising than a Ben Roethlisberger sexual assault allegation, former Cincinnati Bengal Corey Dillon was arrested for DUI this morning in California.

If you lost track of Mr. "I'd rather flip burgers than play for the Bengals' in 2003 when he left Cincinnati, let us remind you that this is a guy that has more arrests than Meryl Streep has Oscar Nominations.

In March 1998, he was arrested in Seattle for DUI (He went to the University of Washington). He eventually pled guilty to negligent driving and driving with a suspended license.

In August of 2000, Dillon was arrested for assaulting his then brand new wife.

Ironically, that same wife filed for divorce from him last month. Maybe its because he punched her in the mouth 10 years earlier, maybe its because Dillon is an ass, who knows why she filed, but we do know this ladies: Dillon is going to be on the 'Free Agent' Singles Market soon, so get in line.

If you're one of those people that believes in karma and thinks that Dillon had all of this coming, then you'll love this story about a fake ferrari repair shop taking Dillon to the cleaners for almost $500,000.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Pittsburgh Steelers Schedule Leaked? UPDATE: Bengals Playing on Thanksgiving

INSIC founder John Breech tweeted something interesting at 2:17 p.m. today, that being, that the Bengals would be hosting the Steelers on Monday Night November 8.

Where did he get that inside info? Did he get a 20-year-old female NFL intern really drunk and sexually assault the information out of her? Who knows, but it looks like someone agrees with him.

According to this radio station in Pittsburgh, Breech is right, so now that two people have confirmed it (Breech's source and the radio station), we're going to write about it.

If both Breech and station are correct, here's what we know about the Bengals schedule:

UPDATE: Here is the Bengals schedule, games in orange are games INSIC announced before the schedule came out at 7 p.m.

Sun. Sept. 12: Bengals at Patriots

Sun. Sept. 19: Ravens at Bengals

Sun. Sept. 26: Bengals at Panthers

Sun. Oct. 3: Bengals at Browns

Sun. Oct. 10: Buccaneers at Bengals

Sun. Oct. 17: BYE

Sun. Oct. 24: Bengals at Falcons

Sun. OCt. 31: Dolphins at Bengals

Mon. Nov. 8: Steelers at Bengals 8:30 p.m.

Sun. Nov. 14: Bengals at Colts

Sun. Nov. 21: Bills at Bengals

Sun. Dec. 5: Saints at Bengals

Sun. Dec. 12: Bengals at Steelers

Sun. Dec. 19: Browns at Bengals

Sun. Dec. 26: Chargers at Bengals 8:20 p.m.

Sun. Jan. 2: Bengals at Ravens

By the way, the NFL is going to be pissed about this, there is a reason no other team has had their schedule leaked. Most likely, someone is going to die or lose an important body part for this breach of security. We would rather jump into an erupting Icelandic volcano than defy the NFL.

We also believe that the Bengals will play the Jets on Thanksgiving or in the Monday night opener, however, like Tom Cruise's sexuality, nobody can confirm anything.

The schedule will be released at 7 p.m. this evening (April 20).

By the way, the last time the Steelers and Bengals played on Monday Night Football. The Bengals were shut out and kicker Jim Breech saw his then record of 186 consecutive games scored in ended.

Enquirer Bengals beat guy Joe Reedy also seems to think the Steelers leaked schedule may be real as he too has tweeted about it. So either we're smart or WDVE has just gone Ashton Kutcher on us and punked NFL fans everywhere.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Roethlisberger Does Unthinkable: Steeler QB Goes 40 Days Without Being Accused of Sexual Assault

Most Steelers fans aren't aware of it, but today, April 14, 2010, represents a huge milestone for their starting quarterback.

Ben Roethlisberger has now gone 40 days without being accused of sexual assault.

Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin was as shocked as anyone at the news, "Now-a-days, we're lucky if he goes two weeks without being charged with some sort of sexual crime," Tomlin said. "So, as a team, we decided that if he made it too 40 days without being charged, we were going to do something special for him."

Asked to elaborate on what that 'special' gesture might be, Tomlin only offered a few minor details, "Lets just say its going to involve a giant cake, a purple man thong and Kordell Stewart."

Not surprisingly, Roethlisberger was at a bar in downtown Pittsburgh celebrating his milestone. "I don't know when having sex with hot girls started being illegal. I guess I just don't understand the law," Roethlisberger said, before adding, "But after this latest accusation, I've decided I have to change my ways."

When asked why he had to changed his ways, Roethlisberger gave an answer that may surprise some people, "It wasn't the negative stigma that comes with a second sexual assault accusation," the Steeler QB said. "It was having my beef jerky line dropped. Big Ben's Beef Jerky was a really, really good jerky and because of my actions, thousands of people in Pennsylvania will never get to experience quality beef jerky."

PLB Sports President Ty Ballou (PLB makes the fantastic jerky) did say that the company may re-sign Roethlisberger now that he has hit the 40 day plateau. "40 days is a long time to go without being accused of sexual assault," Ballou said. "So yes, we are in fact thinking about re-signing Ben."

As for Roethlisberger, the beef jerky isn't the only thing he wants back, he wants his locks back. "I was pretty pissed I had to cut my hair to meet with [NFL Commissioner Roger] Goodell," said the 2-time Super Bowl winning quarterback. "I spent the last nine months trying to look like former WWE Wrestling Superstar Hacksaw Jim Duggan and then they make me cut it, that's dirty, smelly, horse crap."

Duggan and Roethlisberger are pictured below.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Cleveland Browns Shaun Rogers (The Guy that was Almost a Bengal) Brings LOADED GUN into Airport

Bengals fans, you might remember Shaun Rogers. He was the guy that horse collared Carson Palmer (pictured above) right before halftime of the Browns-Bengals game last November. Roger's stupidity set up a 53-yard Shayne Graham field goal, the Bengals would only beat the Browns by nine points.

On Thursday, Rogers one upped himself in the stupidity department by bringing a LOADED GUN into Cleveland's Hopkins International airport. Homeland security wasn't exactly thrilled and Rogers was arrested.

Now for those of you that have never flown before, there are generally three things you do not want to bring to an airport:

1. Nine pound crack rocks
2. Dead infants
3. Loaded guns

All three of these things will usually get you arrested if airport security finds them.

For his part, Rogers says he didn't "knowingly take a firearm into the airport."

Even scarier, this guy could have been a Bengal. Back in 2008, the Lions and Bengals had a deal in place that would have sent Rogers to Cincinnati for third and fifth round picks. The league said "no can do" because of some iffy language in the trade agreement. (Although the Bengals should have said "no can do." If the Lions are trying to unload a player on you, that should raise at least nine red flags) Instead, Rogers went to the Browns where he has toiled away for the last two seasons.

Oh and one more note, even though airport security found Rogers' loaded gun in his hand bag, he is pleading not guilty to his carrying a concealed weapon charge.