Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati

2012 NFL Wildcard Weekend Pressing Questions: Will the Bengals Win? If they do, Will the World Implode?

2012-01-07T03:02:00.011-05:00

What do Kim and Kris have to do with the Bengals? We don't know either.

It's been 106.4 Kim Kardashian marriages since the Bengals last won a playoff game.

To comprehend how long that is, you'd need to know how long Kim Kardashian was married.

If you don't know how long Kim Kardashian was married, ask your wife. If she doesn't know, ask a high school junior. If you don't know a high school junior, buy an US Weekly. If you can't afford an US Weekly, go to a New Jersey Nets game the next time they're in town and ask Kris Humphries. If the Nets aren't coming to your town, Google it.

But Google it last. I want to see everyone go through the above effort because we're getting lazy as a society.

Anyway, lets go straight to the picks.

Saturday

Cincinnati at Houston: Because Saturday's playoff game is being played indoors, the Bengals did the logical thing this week and practiced outdoors -- in 22 degree weather -- and their quarterback had the flu.

But lets not use logic to make this pick, lets use facts:

The Undefeated Factor

1. The Bengals are undefeated against Houston in playoff games. Sure, they've only played once. Sure it was in 1991 and sure Justin Bieber wasn't alive when it happened, but it still counts, whether Bieber was alive or not.

"Marty, two redheaded QB's on the same field: Great Scott."

The Redhead Factor

2. In Back to the Future II, Doc Brown theorized that if two red-headed quarterbacks were on the field at the same time in an NFL football game, the Space time-continuum would collapse on itself.

Texans 3rd string QB Jeff Garcia is a redhead, which means we're exactly two injured Houston quarterbacks from the end of the world. Somehow, I think this works in the Bengals favor.

The Non-Factor Factor Factor

3. If there are any mathematicians reading: can you confirm that the law of averages is a real law? Because if it is, then the Bengals have to win.

Their wide receiver is being investigated for having a marijuana farm delivered to his front door. Their starting running back spent the first two nights of the season in jail. They haven't won a playoff game in 7,659 days. If the law of averages exists, then something eventually has to go right, RIGHT? (And yes, this entire season went right, but lets not count that).

The INSIC quick pick: Bengals 23-20 over Houston.

Detroit at New Orleans: I saw a kid in Target's parking lot last week smoking marijuana. He was also eating cheetos. He was also wearing a Saints hat. He also offered me a hit. So basically, yes, I'm picking the Saints based on the fandom of a high school kid in a Target parking lot who offered me a hit of marijuana.

Saints 41-31 over Detroit.

Sunday

Atlanta at New York Giants: I like the Falcons a lot. I really do. I lived in Atlanta for three years, I have a lot of homeless friends there and several friends with homes. Its a great city.

But lets be honest, watching the Falcons play outdoors is like going to Planned Parenthood on a Saturday morning and looking at the morning after pill line: there's panic on everybody's face.

In the last four years, the Falcons have played 41 indoor games and 23 outdoor games. The numbers suggest the Falcons should have more losses indoors because they've played more games, but the numbers are wrong. Atlanta is 12-11 outdoors and 31-10 indoors. Advantage: Giants.

Long story short, the morning after pill fails and the Falcons lose to the Giants 27-24.

Is there a Pope sex tape?

Pittsburgh at Denver: If you would've asked me in week 1 what was more likely to happen this season: Tim Tebow leading the Broncos to the playoffs or a sex tape being released of the Pope having a threesome with two of the Hanson brothers, I would've said, "there's no way Tebow's making the playoffs."

So here we are on Wildcard weekend and Tebow's in the playoffs and thank God, there's no Pope sex tape, which is good, because really, no one wants to see any of the Hanson brothers naked.

If this game were being played on Saturday, I'd take the Broncos, but its being played on Sunday and as everyone knows, God rests on the sabbath, so Tebow's on his own. Steelers 17-10 over Denver.

How much does INSIC know about football, here's an exact quote from our Bengals preview: With an early season schedule that's easier than a drunk Deena, the Bengals could top out at 9-7 this season.

Week 17
ATS: 10-6
Straight up: 13-3

Final Regular Season Tally
ATS: 147-109
SU: 182-74

Justin Bieber says: Baby's not mine, Bengals in a Blowout, Buy my Christmas Album

2011-11-05T04:54:00.011-04:00

Justin Bieber says call your bookie and bet Bengals.

Because pop culture is my second favorite thing to write about, we need to make one thing clear right now: there is no way Justin Bieber fathered a kid with that 20-year-old California girl.

How do I know this?

Because Bieber is either A. a virgin or B. gay and as far as I know, both of those things would preclude him from impregnating a girl.

In case this picture isn't clear enough, Peter King thinks
the Bengals are going to lose Sunday.

OK, so how does this relate to the Bengals? Like this. Vegas, Peter King and all the talking heads on ESPN seem to think the Bengals are going to lose tomorrow. Well, they're not going too.

How do I know this?

Because the Bengals A. do not suck and B. are awesome and as far as I know, either one of those things would preclude the Bengals from losing.

The Bengals-Titans game on Sunday has Bengals-Bears 2009 written all over it.

The 3-2 Bears were playing the 4-2 Bengals in Cincinnati and the BEARS were favored.

The Bengals wins were far more impressive --Steelers, Ravens, Packers were three of the four -- plus, the Bears had Jay Cutler at quarterback and as most football fans know: Jay Cutler sucks. They could play football for 8 billion more years, Jay Cutler could be immortal and live all 8 billion of those years and play a trillion more football games and he'd still suck.

Long story short: Bengals won 45-10.

Matt Hasselbeck also kind of isn't good. Sure Hasselbeck's been to a Super Bowl and sure he beat the Saints in the playoffs last season, but lets be honest, if someone was holding a gun to your head and you had to pick a QB to start a game with your life on the line, Hasselbeck would be like the 56th choice. There's college QB's you'd pick before Hasselbeck.

Anyway, if you're bored, read all my picks, if you're in a hurry, skip to the bottom for my Bengals prediction.

Week 9 Picks

Kansas City at Miami: I'd rather staple a raw steak to my genitalia and be put in a cage with a hungry lion than have to watch this game. On a completely unrelated note, if you drafted a fantasy team this season that includes Matt Cassel, Jackie Battle or any Miami Dolphins player, you should think about joining a fantasy chess league because you suck at fantasy football. Chiefs 17-10 over the Dolphins.

Atlanta at Indianapolis: If you're a girl reading this, you probably know a guy or two that performs better in bed when their drunk. The Falcons are the drunk sex guys of the NFL. They only play perform well in domes. Last time I checked, Indianapolis is in a dome. Falcons fans will probably have lots of drunk sex after Atlanta bashes Indy 31-17.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans: Two weeks ago, the Saints bitch slapped the Colts 62-7. It was uglier than the last 3 years of Lindsay Lohan's movie career. After the 55-point win, the Saints promptly went out and lost to the Rams. THE RAMS. This would be like a boxer beating Mike Tyson in his prime and then losing to a blind baby the next week. Unimaginable. That being said, I see the Saints overcoming their loss to the blind babies and rebounding with a 31-24 win.

Anchor Bar is the only form of entertainment in Buffalo.

N.Y. Jets at Buffalo: Every time I watch a game that's in Buffalo, I feel sorry for the fans and that's mostly because they live in Buffalo. I went there once, asked someone for something cool to do and they said go to the Anchor Bar because that's where Buffalo wings were invented. If going to a wing bar is the coolest thing to do in your city, then YOUR CITY SUCKS. Now I'm pissed at Buffalo, so I'm picking the Jets 24-20.

Seattle at Dallas: Two weeks ago, the Cowboys beat the Rams 34-7. Last week they lost to the Eagles 34-7. I'm not a big pattern person, but I see a pattern there. Cowboys 34-7.

Cleveland at Houston: Generally, I pick the Browns to lose every game they play in. This strategy has me at 4-3 picking their games. I see no reason to stop now. Texans 30-14 over Cleveland.

San Francisco at Washington: The Redskins season is falling apart faster than Herman Cain's presidential bid. West Coast teams don't usually win 10 a.m. PT games, but the 49ers have already done it twice this season. One more can't hurt. San Francisco 20-13 over the Redskins.

Denver at Oakland: There's a 50 percent chance that Tim Tebow will not be the worst quarterback in this game. The over/under on Carson Palmer pick six's is 1.5. Don't go under. Its a trap bet. The Broncos score on three pick six's but still manage to lose 31-21.

N.Y. Giants at New England: Reasons I can't pick the Giants: A. David Tyree is not playing in this game. B. Tom Brady is 312-0 at home and 464-2 after a loss. I'll take the Patriots 34-27.

Do man-eating rhinos exist?

St. Louis at Arizona: Scroll back to the top. Read what I wrote about the Kansas City-Miami game. However, instead of raw steak, use AIDS and instead of hungry lion, use man-eating rhinoceros. On that note, I think the "Suck for Luck" campaign is over for the Rams because they're going to make it two in a row with a 27-17 win.

Green Bay at San Diego: Picking who's going to win between Aaron Rodgers and Philip Rivers is like trying to decide who's going to win best actress at the Academy Awards between Meryl Streep and Lindsay Lohan. Only Lohan wasn't nominated and she's in jail. That probably doesn't make sense, but my pick will, Packers 38-31 over the Chargers.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh: I don't care who wins this game, as long as 19 Steelers starters get hurt and can't play next week against the Bengals. That's right. I'm cheering for injuries. Oh, and the refs. I'm cheering for them too. And world peace. But mostly injuries. Steelers 20-17 over Baltimore.

Chicago at Philadelphia: The Bears don't have a win on the road this year. They're going on the road. I think you know where I'm going with this. By the way, don't try and tell me the Bears do have a road win and it was in England. Because here's what I say to that: nothing that happens in England counts for anything. If you lost your virginity in England, you're still a virgin. If you kill someone in England, they were English, so they probably deserved it. Also, I will not be watching the summer Olympics. Eagles 31-24 over the Bears.

What's bigger: Kim's butt or Kim's boobs?
What's longer: Kim's marriage or the Bengals winning streak?
As always, INSIC asks the tough questions.

Cincinnati at Tennessee: The Bengals win streak is now over half as long as Kim Kardshian's marriage was. Maybe its just me and maybe its just because I watch E! 14 hours a day, but I'm impressed by that stat.

You want more positive statistics? How about this: The last time the Bengals had a 5-game winning streak: 1988. The last time the Bengals went to the Super Bowl: the 1988 season. I say the Carrot Top Cannon comes out on fire and the Bengals win 34-17.

Week 8 Picks

Straight-up: 10-3

SU Overall: 84-32

Against the Spread: 6-7

ATS Overall: 64-52

Exact Week 8 Picks: 0

Exact Picks Overall: 2

Carson Palmer Traded to Raiders plus Bengals Fans Rejoice and is Mike Brown the new Thomas Jefferson?

2011-10-19T04:24:00.010-04:00

Carson Palmer's fake smile is Oakland's problem now.

The only way Tuesday could have been better for Bengals fans is if Mike Brown would have fired himself.

Brown's incredibly crazy, stubborn strategy of holding on to Carson Palmer paid off in a huge way Tuesday morning when the Raiders gave the Bengals a 2012 first round pick and 2013 second round pick for the much maligned quarterback. The 2013 pick becomes a first round pick if the Raiders make the AFC Championship game in 2011 or 2012.

Is Mike Brown the new
Danny Ocean? INSIC
says yes.

I haven't seen a heist like this since the third time I saw Ocean's 11. And the fact that it was masterminded by Mike Brown makes it even harder to believe.

But lets be honest, Brown didn't exactly mastermind this, it fell into his lap. This would be like dumping your girlfriend and then going to Costco and having a 3-some with two of the cashiers there who also happen to be lingerie models.

Three thoughts from the biggest in-season trade in NFL history.

THOUGHT ONE

I'm going to compare Mike Brown to Thomas Jefferson. I completely understand the shocking nature of the prior sentence, if you aren't prepared for the comparison, please feel free to skip to the next thought. Also feel free to punch me in the face next time you see me.

The Palmer-to-Raiders trade is the Louisiana Purchase of NFL deals.

For you non-history buffs or people who are too drunk right now to remember anything from sixth grade, here's the Louisiana Purchase in a nut shell: Napoleon was dealing with all sorts of crap in Europe and he needed money really, really, really, really bad (Kind of like the Raiders needed a quarterback really, really, really, really bad).

Napoleon was so desperate that he was willing to do anything non-sexual for money. He called up his boy Thomas Jefferson and offered the Louisiana Territory at a below market price.

Sidebar: The Louisiana Territory is made up of a bunch of great plains states that no one likes to visit, but it doubled the size of the country.

Better deal: Louisiana Purchase, getting two first round picks
for Carson Palmer or paying $5 to get to second base with a bear.

Long story short: Jefferson had all the leverage (Mike Brown had all the leverage in the Palmer trade) and T. Jeff ended up paying 3 CENTS a square mile for the Louisiana Territory.

Napoleon got what he wanted ($15 million), Jefferson got what he wanted -- he took advantage of Napoleon like a guy takes advantage of a drunk girl who's on her first rebound date after being dumped -- and everyone was happy.

Mike Brown got what he wanted -- two first round picks. And lets not kid ourselves, the Raiders probably threw in a Kroger Plus card.

The Raiders got what they wanted -- a starting quarterback. Everyone went home happy.

THOUGHT TWO

Mike Brown doesn't make this deal under the old collective bargaining agreement (CBA).

If you bore easily, skip the next five paragraphs.

The NFL lockout was because of the old CBA. Prior to 2009, contracts for first round picks were gigantic, for instance, Matthew Stafford, the 2009 first round pick, signed for 6-years, $72 million with $41.7 million of that guaranteed.

Mike Brown is the stingiest person in the world. Its common knowledge that he hangs around homeless people and asks them for change. Mike Brown doesn't want to give $41.7 million to anyone.

Under the new CBA, he doesn't have too. Cam Newton, the first pick of the 2011 draft, only signed for $22 million guaranteed. That's $20 million less than Stafford got. You know what that means. It means Brown can afford two 2012 first round picks for the price of one 2009 first round pick. The Bengals also save about $40 million in contract money by getting rid of Palmer.

Bottom line: Mike Brown is still a cheap skate. If there were no NFL lockout he wouldn't have made this deal. Wasting money on first round picks is why he turned down the Redskins offer for Ochocinco in 2008 and why he turned down the Saints offer for Ricky Williams in the 1998 draft.

Quick refresher: in 1998, the Saints were going to pretty much give the Bengals all of their picks just so they could move up in the draft and take Ricky Williams. Because Mike Brown has the football acumen of a hairless cat, he passed up the offer.

THOUGHT THREE

Carson's only friend left in
Cincinnati is this guy.

Carson Palmer is going to kick ass in Oakland. This one's obvious right?

All Bengals fans know how Bengals karma works. A player leaves the team only to find incredible success somewhere else.

Exhibit A: Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Exhibit B: Everyone that's ever played for the Bengals and gone onto to play for another team.**

**This does not apply to Shayne Graham. There can only be one productive red-head in the league at a time. Luckily for Bengals fans, its Andy Dalton right now.

Anyway, using this logic, we can ascertain that Palmer will win 11 Super Bowls, four MVP awards and the Powerball lottery while he's playing for the Raiders.

Oh and look for Carson Palmer to start Sunday against the Chiefs because God knows Kyle Boller isn't going too.

Bengals-Colts Pick, plus Absolutely Nothing Else

2011-10-19T03:59:00.003-04:00

Week 6 picks were put up late, here's proof they were finished on time.

by john breech

(Editor's note: the INSIC internet connection was down this weekend, for the sake of continuity, we're publishing our picks from week 6)

There was one email in the INSIC inbox this week, which is one more than there was last month. It said something about "blah, blah, blah, please explain the picks you make each week and stop with the power rankings, no one cares about power rankings that don't make sense."

First of all, they do make sense. Second of all, they kind of don't. So with that in mind. We're going all game picks this week.

Week 6 Picks

Indianapolis at Cincinnati: If you would have told me last April that the starting quarterbacks in this game would be Andy Dalton and Curtis Painter. I would have punched you in the face, set your car on fire and then stolen your shoes. Curtis Painter is going to get punched in the face today by the Bengals defense. Bengals 24-17.

Cleveland at Oakland: The Raiders are planning some sort of wild celebration/funeral for the game Sunday. You have to figure they can milk at least three victories out of Al Davis' death. By the way, Raiders fans are so crazy that no one should be surprised if riots break out in Oakland if the Raiders win this game. Let the riots start, Raiders 28-20 over the Browns.

San Francisco at Detroit: When I can't decide who to pick in a game, I generally go with the team that Alex Smith doesn't play for. Lions 27-20 over San Francisco.

Carolina at Atlanta: The formula for picking Panthers games is pretty simple this season: Cam Newton will throw for 900 yards and Carolina will lose. So I'll say Newton throws for 900 yards and Carolina loses 31-28.

St. Louis at Green Bay: If the Packers lose this game, I will do one of two things: I will cut Aaron Rodgers from my fantasy team and get made fun of by everyone in my league or I will cut the big toe off of my left foot. Please vote in the comments section which you would like to see, but only if the Packers lose. Green Bay 34-17 over St. Louis.

Is Homeless to Harvard actually
the Ryan Fitzpatrick story?

Buffalo at New York Giants: Three years ago I got drunk and watched a movie on Lifetime called "Homeless to Harvard." Its about some homeless girl who eventually goes to Harvard. I also feel like its Ryan Fitzpatrick's life story, so I'm picking the Bills. Buffalo 27-24 over the Giants.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh: When it comes to picking NFL games, I have three rules: never pick the Steelers, never bet on Blaine Gabbert and always take the Steelers at home against a team quarterbacked by Blaine Gabbert. I think some these rules contradict each other, so I'm just going to take the Steelers 31-21.

Philadelphia at Washington: If the Eagles lose this game THEIR SEASON IS OVER. Andy Reid only loses important games at the end of the season, which means the Eagles win this one 30-27.

Houston at Baltimore: Unfortunately for Houston, they only do two things in Maryland: crab cakes and football. Ravens 27-21 over the Texans.

Dallas at New England: Tony Romo in a big game is like letting an anorexic loose in an all-you-can eat buffet. Its not going to be pretty. Patriots over the Cowboys 34-24.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay: Drew Brees to Jimmy Graham is the new Montana to Rice. I'll take the Saints 30-24.

The Dolphins have to be the frontrunners
in the "Suck for Luck" campaign.

Minnesota at Chicago: Chicago is a decent team and decent teams don't get embarrassed on national television two weeks in a row. Using my horrible logic, this means since the Bears lost last week, they can't lose this week. Bears 24-17 over the Vikings.

Miami Dolphins at New York Jets: Hey Miami, its called "Suck for Luck," not "Give up in the second quarter and forfeit for Luck." So anyway, I think the Dolphins give up in the second quarter and forfeit. I'll take the Jets 27-14.

Week 5 Picks

Straight-up: 9-4

SU Overall: 55-22

Against the Spread: 8-5

ATS Overall: 43-34

Exact Week 5 Picks: 0

Exact Picks Overall: 2

Bengals-Jaguars Pick, Plus How Al Davis Indirectly Started INSIC

2011-10-09T05:31:00.004-04:00

"Al, I am your father."

Since Al Davis died Saturday, it only makes sense to start today's post off with a quick Al Davis story.

Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati founder John Breech is the son of former Bengals kicker and all around bad ass Jim Breech. Unbeknownst to many Bengals fans, Jim was drafted by the Detroit Lions in 1978. Yup, that's right, the Lions.

Jim Breech played for the Raiders?

Anyway, the Lions cut Breech in '78 and he was left without a job. For one year, Breech was out of the NFL, it looked like he was going to spend the rest of his life making homemade diapers for a living.

That is until 1979 when Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders called. Breech went to training camp in '79, won the kicking job, and then ended up in the NFL for 13 more years.

"He gave me the opportunity [to play] in Oakland," Breech said of Davis. "If he hadn't, I might have never kicked in the league."

So props to you Al Davis for taking a chance on a 5-foot-6, 155 pound smurf from the University of California at Berkeley.

OK, enough Al Davis talk, lets get to the power rankings that aren't really power rankings.

INSIC's Weekly Power Rankings that have Nothing to do with Power

We explained how our power rankings work two weeks ago, if you need a refresher, click here.

AFC

1. New England Patriots (3-1): Wes Welker is on pace to have 13 million catches for 9 billion yards this season. If the team you're playing in fantasy this week has Welker, you should probably just forfeit.

2. San Diego Chargers (3-1): The chances of San Diego losing to Denver Sunday are negative 4 percent.

3. Baltimore Ravens (3-1): Due to the Ravens bye, there is no way the Bengals can be in first place after tomorrow. We don't want to live a world where the Bengals can't be in first place. The NFL should either eliminate byes or make the Ravens play 17 games.

4. Houston Texans (3-1): On a normal Sunday, Raiders-Texans would rank behind Never Ending Story II on a list of things exciting to watch. Al Davis passing away though makes this a must watch game.

Could the Bengals win an all "C" division?

5. Tennessee Titans (3-1): Would you rather be red headed or bald? That needs to be a post game question for Matt Hasselbeck.

6. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2): If there were an all "C" division in the NFL (Cincinnati, Cleveland, Chicago, Carolina), the Bengals would be tied for first. We really wish there were an all "C" division in the NFL.

NFC

1. Green Bay Packers (4-0): The Packers should just get a bye to the Super Bowl.

2. New Orleans Saints (3-1): Drew Brees and Cam Newton might combine to throw for 3,000 yards Sunday.

3. New York Giants (3-1): Someone at Grantland.com said that of all of the QB's in the NFL, Eli Manning is the best husband material. Someone at Grantland.com is sticking heroin needles in places they shouldn't stick heroin needles.

4. San Francisco 49ers (3-1): Alex Smith is starting to look like Joe Montana, except not at all.

5. Detroit Lions (4-0): Talk about getting ripped off. The Lions are on Monday Night Football for the first time in 97 years this week and they don't even get the Monday Night Football song. If there's no song, its not really Monday Night Football.

6. Washington Redskins (3-1): The PC police want the Redskins to change their name. If they went with the Foreskins, would that be more or less offensive?

Week 4 Picks
Straight-up: 12-4
SU Overall: 46-18
Against the Spread: 11-5
ATS Overall: 35-29
Exact Week 2 Picks: 0
Exact Picks Overall: 2

Week 5 Picks
Cincinnati 20-13 over Jacksonville
Philadelphia 27-21 over Buffalo
Tennessee 24-20 over Pittsburgh
N.Y. Giants 31-17 over Seattle
New Orleans 38-27 over Carolina
Houston 27-20 over Oakland
Kansas City 24-21 over Indianapolis
Minnesota 31-24 over Arizona
San Francisco 20-14 over Tampa Bay
New England 34-27 over N.Y. Jets
San Diego 31-20 over Denver
Green Bay 38-31 over Atlanta
Detroit 27-20 over Chicago

INSIC's Bengals-49ers Pick, Plus How the Week Could Have Been Worse for the Bengals

2011-09-24T02:26:00.009-04:00

Worst week ever? Obviously you weren't a Bengals fan in 1989.

If you're a Bengals fan, then you probably realize that this week has been straight out of a Stephen King novel, that is, if Stephen King wrote sports novels about illegal marijuana deliveries.

As bad as this week has been though, please keep in mind that it could have been worse... and we'll tell you why.

Lets review:

Monday: the Bengals announce that Jordan Shipley has a torn ACL and will miss the rest of the season.

Shipley's lucky he's not a gopher.

But it could have been worse, the Bengals could have announced that Shipley has a flesh eating virus that turns you into a gopher and causes AIDS. They didn't though. They announced it was only a torn ACL. ONLY a torn ACL.

Tuesday: Authorities track a 2.5 pound shipment of high-grade marijuana to Jerome Simpson's house. Simpson is now under investigation and because of that, he missed practice on Thursday and Friday. Based on the situation, Simpson might also miss Sunday's game against the 49ers, along with every Bengals game for the next 2-4 years.

But it could have been worse, Simpson could have had a dump truck full of cocaine delivered to a Cincinnati area foster home and then forced the poor foster children to do coke lines at gun point. Not only would have this been worse, it would have been 11 times more illegal than having 2.5 pounds of high-grade marijuana delivered to your house.

Thursday: Mike Silver from Yahoo! sports reports that the NFL has suspended Cedric Benson for three games. Silver says Benson will be allowed to play Sunday against the 49ers and will have the chance to appeal the suspension on Tuesday. Of course, it could have been worse, Benson could have shot himself in the leg at a nightclub.

INSIC's Weekly Power Rankings that have Nothing to do with Power

We explained how our power rankings work last week, if you need a refresher, click here.

AFC

1. New England (2-0): Do you think Ochocinco finds irony in the fact that the Jerome Simpson marijuana investigation involves ocho point cinco ounces of pot? He has too. Right?

2. San Diego (1-1): In week one, Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding tore his ACL on the first play of the game. This week against the Chiefs, every player on San Diego's roster could tear their ACL on the first play of the game and the Chargers would still win.

3. Baltimore (1-1): Last Sunday, the Ravens defense got torched like a stunt double in Backdraft. Matt Hasselbeck threw for over 300 yards and Tennessee rolled. The Ravens defense will be mad Sunday against the Rams, which means there's a very good chance that at least 12 Rams players will suffer season ending injuries this weekend.

4. Houston (2-0): If the Texans are good at anything, its completely collapsing after a 2-0 start. In 2007, the Texans started 2-0, only to lose five of their next six. In 2010, the Texans started 2-0, only to lose six of their next eight. This year, the Texans are 2-0 and oh, lets look at their next four games: Saints, Raiders, Steelers, Ravens. Best case scenario there: 1-3.

Harvard QB's are undefeated this season.

5. Buffalo (2-0): The Bills and their Harvard quarterback came back from down 21-3 Sunday to beat the Raiders, that's the surprising part. The non-surprising part, Ryan Fitzpatrick divided the Quadratic Equation by the Pythagorean Theorem and then multiplied it by Murphy's Law to figure out the velocity he needed to throw the ball for the winning touchdown. Its OK to hate Harvard and anyone that's ever gone there.

6. Cincinnati (1-1): After two weeks, the Bengals are tied for first in the AFC North, which is three places higher than where most people thought they would be.

NFC

1. Green Bay Packer (2-0): If the Packers were in the NFC West, they would have already clinched a playoff berth... and its only been two weeks.

2. New Orleans (1-1): The Saints play the Houston Texans this week and here's an interesting stat for you: since entering the league in 2002, the Texans are 1-8 in week three. What we're trying to say here, is that basically, New Orleans has a bye this week.

3. Philadelphia (1-1): There were reports that Michael Vick was coughing up blood at halftime of Sunday's game against the Falcons. Now, no one here at INSIC has a medical degree, but we saw a squirrel coughing up blood once and it died the next day. So someone should probably keep an eye on Vick.

Why isn't there an all-bird division in the NFL?
INSIC asks the tough questions.

4. San Francisco 49ers (1-1): Due to the general suckiness of the NFC West, a record of 5-11 is going to win it this season. This works out well for the 49ers because they only have four winnable games left on their schedule and no, one of them is not the Bengals.

5. Atlanta Falcons (1-1): If there was a bird division in the NFL (Falcons, Cardinals, Seahawks, Eagles), the Falcons would win it this year. Unfortunately for Atlanta, the NFL doesn't let 6-year-olds pick the divisions, so they're going to have to get past New Orleans if they want to win the NFC South.

6. Detroit Lions (2-0): As a city, Detroit really has nothing going for it. They have a high murder rate, no economy to speak of and nine out of every 10 people there are unemployed. Detroit's really like a combination of Cleveland and a state prison. These people need the Lions. Everyone cheer for the Lions.

Week 3 Picks

In week one, we threw a bunch of cats off of a tall building to make our picks. We went 10-6. Last week we used the slightly more animal friendly strategy of picking the team that sucks less. We went 14-2.

INSIC will be using the Toys R Us strategy for making picks this week.

This week, we're going the Jerome Simpson route. We're going to hot box a Toys 'R' Us bathroom and then ask the cop who eventually arrests us who he thinks is going to win. Got it. Good.

Week 2 Picks
Straight-up: 14-2
SU Overall: 24-8
Against the Spread: 9-7
ATS Overall: 19-13
Exact Week 2 Picks: 1 (We picked Atlanta over Philly 35-31, Atlanta beat Philly 35-31).
Exact Picks Overall: 2

Week 3 Picks
Cincinnati 24-20 over San Francisco
Philadelphia 31-24 over N.Y. Giants
New Orleans 38-31 over Houston
Carolina 27-17 over Jacksonville
New England 38-34 over Buffalo
Cleveland 24-17 over Miami
Tennessee 27-20 over Denver
Detroit 31-20 over Minnesota
Baltimore 35-24 over St. Louis
N.Y. Jets 24-13 over Oakland
San Diego 34-17 over Kansas City
Seattle 20-17 over Arizona
Atlanta 34-28 over Tampa Bay
Pittsburgh 31-13 over Indianapolis
Chicago 24-20 over Green Bay
Dallas 28-20 over Washington

Bad News for Non-Pot Smoking Bengals Fans: Jerome Simpson's House Might be a Marijuana Distribution Center

2011-09-22T01:09:00.008-04:00

This sign, in Jerome Simpson's front yard, gave him away.

If you're a Bengals player reading this right now, we have great news: you're probably going to get drug tested in the next 30 minutes and you can thank Jerome Simpson and Anthony Collins.

Simpson

The two Bengals teammates are being investigated by Kentucky and California authorities after 2.5 pounds of high-grade marijuana was delivered from Northern California to Simpson's Northern Kentucky home.

You can read all about how police got involved here, but if you're lazy, we'll break it down into two sentences.

Authorities tracked the California marijuana shipment to Simpson's house where his girlfriend, Aleen Smith, signed for it. Police tracking the package then searched Simpson's home where they found six more pounds of marijuana, some packaging material and scales for weighing the pot.

"The house was setup as a potential distribution network," one investigator said.

Now, its not clear if Simpson was running an international drug cartel out of his house, but lets just say that 2.5 pounds of pot delivered to your house when you already have six pounds there is a good start for running one.

Simpson's house had more pot than the set of Half-Baked

Now, although Simpson's house had more marijuana than the set of Half-Baked, police didn't arrest anyone after four hours of interviews Tuesday, which in itself is interesting.

Eight pounds of pot and no one gets arrested? We'll let this one play out, but our best bet is that at least one of the three (Simpson, Collins or Simpson's girlfriend) involved here will eventually get busted.

Simpson closed his Twitter account (@Rome089) early Wednesday with one last tweet that read, "Keep the faith." Also, his personal web page no longer exists.

So there's that.

There are two pieces of good news here though:

1. Even if Simpson gets arrested, he's still won't be the worst NFL player turned criminal named Simpson (O.J. obviously wins that)

2. Simpson only had 8.5 pounds of pot in his house, its not like he had 213 pounds in a van, like a certain former Dallas Cowboys offensive lineman.

Finally, we here at INSIC would like to point out one odd coincidence: the marijuana shipped to Simpson's house came from Eureka, Calif., a town with a population of exactly 27,191.

So we asked ourselves, "Does Simpson, who is from North Carolina, know anyone from Eureka, Calif.?"

The answer is yes. Bengal middle linebacker Rey Maualuga has some ties to Eureka, he graduated from high school there in 2005. Coincidence? You tell us.

NFL Week 2 Bengals-Broncos: INSIC Makes a Pick and Puts Out a Power Ranking

2011-09-17T01:05:00.009-04:00

F Brandon Stokley Photo by the Cincinnati Enquirer

Hottest twins ever?

Every Friday for the rest of the NFL season, we're going to post INSIC's quick picks and power rankings. Unless of course Nick at Night starts showing reruns of Sister, Sister on Fridays.

If that happens, this blog has no future because everyone here will dance around naked and eat pudding while watching the highly entertaining twin duo of Tia and Tamara Mowry. Tia and Tamara are the hottest twins of all-time not named Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Anyway, a few quick facts about the power rankings:

1. Because we're a Cincinnati blog, we'll be devising the rankings under the pretense that the Bengals are the best team in the NFL (which shouldn't be difficult because they are).

2. We'll only be ranking 12 teams.

Why only 12 you ask?

First Glen Rice, who's next?

A. because we're lazy and B. because that's how many teams make the playoffs. Teams number 13 thru 32 will have one thing in common on Jan. 2: they'll all be free to go try and have a one-night stand with Sarah Palin because their season will be over.

3. To clarify further, these rankings are basically playoff projections, so the 12 teams we rank will include six teams from the AFC and six teams from the NFC.

AFC

1. New England (1-0): If Carson Palmer threw for 517 yards in a game and Ochocinco only had 14 of them, Chad would have gone to the Paul Brown Stadium parking lot and set Carson's car on fire. Ocho didn't do this to Brady, which means one of two things: Ocho didn't have any matches or he respects Brady...

2. Baltimore (1-0): No, the Ravens didn't take the Steelers into a Milledgeville, Georgia bar bathroom, but they definitely took advantage of them.

3. San Diego (1-0): Charger kicker Nate Kaeding tore his ACL on the opening kickoff Sunday. The only injury we can think of that's worse: your hair catching on fire while you try and blow out your birthday candles... and the hair we're talking about isn't on your head.

4. Houston (1-0): Beating the Colts without Peyton Manning is like having hot sex with a Kardashian... Rob Kardashian. Its nothing to brag about, as a matter of fact, you probably shouldn't tell anyone.

5. Buffalo (1-0): Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard, which means for fun, he likes to do calculus, herd cats and learn foreign languages.

6. Cincinnati (1-0): Mike Brown's diabolical plan of being mediocre for 20 years and then waiting until 2011 to surprise attack every team in the NFL is starting to take shape.

NFC

Are you a Packers fan? If so, this could be you every Sunday.

1. Green Bay (1-0): If you're an alcoholic and you're a Packers fan, here's an easy game to play this season: take a shot every time Green Bay scores.

2. Philadelphia (1-0): The Eagles beat the Rams Sunday, but their strategy of injuring the other team's three best players probably isn't going to work every week (They injured Sam Bradford, Steven Jackson and Danny Amendola). Andy Reid better think of something new for Sunday night's game with Atlanta.

3. New Orleans (0-1): The Saints might be the best 0-1 team in NFL history. However, going forward, Sean Payton may want to let Drew Brees' mole make all goal line calls.

4. San Francisco (1-0): The 49ers are shaping up to be the date rape drug of the NFL this season, just when you think they have no chance to win/get laid, you wake up six hours/four months later and wonder how they won the division/got you in bed.

5. Chicago (1-0): The Bears had the most impressive win in the NFL Sunday, which is amazing because outside the National Geographic channel, the words 'Bears' and 'impressive' are never used in the same sentence.

6. Atlanta (0-1): Instead of writing anything about the Falcons, we're just going to show you this commercial because its funny and if you're a Falcons fan, you didn't have anything to laugh about last Sunday:

WEEK 2 PICKS


How many cute kittens died so that we could make our week		one picks?

To make our week one picks, we threw 16 cats off a 12-story roof, if they lived, we picked the home team, if they didn't, we picked the away team. Unfortunately, we picked the away team a few times, which means not all the cats lived, but don't fret: Sprinkes, Ted and Tiny Nick didn't die in vain, we went 3-0 in those picks.

However, due to complaints by the police, the SPCA and our neighbors who are looking for their missing cats, we decided to change strategies this week. We're just going to pick the team that doesn't suck.

Week 1 Picks:
Straight-up: 10-6
SU Overall: 10-6
Against the Spread: 10-6
ATS Overall: 10-6
Exact picks: 1 (We picked Detroit 27-20 over Tampa, Detroit beat Tampa 27-20)

Week 2 picks:
Cincinnati 20-17 over Denver
Detriot 34-17 over Kansas City
Buffalo 31-20 over Oakland
Tampa Bay 20-13 over Minnesota
New Orleans 34-31 over Chicago
Baltimore 27-17 over Tennessee
Cleveland 24-17 over Indianapolis
Jets 30-13 over Jacksonville
Pittsburgh 34-10 over Seattle
Washington 27-13 over Arizona
Green Bay 35-21 over Carolina
Dallas 24-20 over San Francisco
New England 31-27 over San Diego
Houston 27-20 over Miami
Atlanta 35-31 over Philadelphia
Giants 28-20 over St. Louis

INSIC's Seven Question/Six Answer 2011 Cincinnati Bengals Preview

2011-09-10T02:12:00.019-04:00

Should you bust out the bag now or wait until week two?

Here at INSIC, we've realized three things in the past month:

Number one: drunk babies have longer attention spans than people on the internet.

We realize that if something on the internet takes you more than five minutes to read, you're probably not going to read it. That's why we're going to keep this preview relatively short (it will be 67 paragraphs shorter than anything you've ever read on Grantland.com)

Number two: We're trying so hard to keep this preview short, we're not even going to finish this list.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to 2011 Bengals preview.

Did Ben Savage's career peak with Boy Meets World?

No Bengals preview can start without talking about Carson Palmer. That would be like starting a Ben Savage conversation and not talking about "Boys Meets World".

So lets talk about Carson Palmer.

You can do some risky things in life -- having an unprotected one-night stand with someone who has AIDS comes to mind -- but Carson Palmer one-upped even that.

Palmer got into a $45 million game of chicken with the stingiest owner in professional sports.

Bad idea.

The odds of Palmer winning this standoff with Mike Brown are about the same as Hanson and 50 Cent touring together next summer.

Thanks to Palmer's poorly planned power play, Carson is now in retirement and the Bengals had to pick up Andy Dalton in the second round of the 2011 NFL draft.

Once the lockout ended and it became clear that Dalton would be the Bengals starter this season, we here at INSIC did something that we've never done before: research.

If you get bored easily, have A.D.D or are putting off sex with your girlfriend until you've finished reading this preview, you may want to stop reading now.

The first two paragraphs were a complete lie to get you to read this, this preview isn't going to be short at all. It's going to be twice as long as anything you've ever read at Grantland and three times as long as anything we've ever written. It will rival the dictionary in length.

On that note, lets start the real preview, which isn't a preview at all, but actually a seven question quiz that's going to convince Bengals fans that Cincinnati can win this season.

Q1: Since the AFL-NFL merger in 1970, how many quarterbacks picked in the second round of the NFL draft have been the opening day starter for their team?

Bengals fans will be bonging Captain this season.

A: ZERO. Now this is based on INSIC research, which is done after bonging three bottles of Captain Morgan and taking shots of grapefruit flavored vodka, but we're fairly confident it's accurate.

This means Andy Dalton is doing something that's never been done before. He is the first second round pick to be his team's opening day starter.

Since 2000, there's been several second round draftees that started for their teams during their rookie year -- Brian Brohm, Tavaris Jackson, John Beck, Quincy Carter and Jimmy Clausen are all on the list -- but none of them have ever started the opening game.

This means Andy Dalton is the man. Also, now that Jeff Garcia is no longer playing, Dalton is now the only red-headed starting QB in the league.

Q2: What's the most wins a second round QB has ever had in his rookie season?

A: The answer is five wins (Tony Banks-1996, Charlie Batch-1998).

Q3: Is Andy Dalton going to obliterate this record?

A: Probably. Dalton is walking into an ideal situation (its not acutally an ideal situation, but its as ideal as a situation like this gets). He has a strong running game behind him, so he won't be forced to take over games. Batch was in a similar situation with the Lions (Barry Sanders at RB). Batch went 5-7 in 12 starts and four of those seven losses were by one score. Is Cedric Benson Barry Sanders? No. But the Bengals 2011 defense should be a lot better than the Lions 1998 D was, so it evens out.

Will Andy Dalton ever be on the SI cover?

Q4: Talk about Boomer Esiason. He's the best Bengal ever. If you can use a Boomer Esiason fact to convince me that Andy Dalton is going to be awesome, then I'll believe you that Andy Dalton is going to be awesome.

A: Nothing beats a good Boomer Esiason fact - except being laid by a J-woww lookalike in a Paul Brown Stadium bathroom - but we digress. Esiason was a second round pick in 1984 and guess what? Esiason started four games for the Bengals.

Boomer is one of 21 second round draft picks since 1970 that have started at least one game in their rookie season. Guess what else? Boomer went 3-1 as a starter, which gives him the record for best winning percentage by a second round draft pick in his rookie season. If Dalton ties Boomer's record, that means the Bengals go 12-4 this year.

Q5: Everyone is saying that Dalton will be a liability this season, but seriously, can he suck more than Carson Palmer did last year?

Carson Palmer single-handedly cost the Bengals several games last season. The Bengals lost eight of their 12 games last year by one score. However, Carson Palmer didn't suck-suck, he just kind of sucked. He threw more pick-6's then Antonio Cromartie has children, but in his defense, he did have to put up with Ocho and T.O.

Q6: What's your prediction for 2011?

A: 7-9

Q7: WTF, 7-9, no way, please explain.

A: The Bengals lucked out with the easiest opening seven games ever. Lets take a look real quick:

9/11 @Browns: Cleveland has won exactly one season opener since 1999. Advantage Bengals.

9/18 @Broncos: If there's one AFC team that could outsuck everyone this year, its Denver. Advantage Bengals.

Can the Carrot Top Cannon get the Bengals off to a quick start?

9/25 San Fran: When experts talk about the worst teams in the NFL this year, the 49ers are usually in the conversation. Advantage Bengals.

10/2 Buffalo: Everyone in Cincinnati witnessed the shit show that was the 2008 Bengals season. Ryan Fitzpatrick engineered that. He is now QB for the Bills. Advantage Bengals.

10/9 @Jaguars: Jacksonville CUT their starting QB five days before the season opener. In terms of winning games, that doesn't usually work out to well for you. Advantage Bengals.

10/16 @Colts: If Kerry Collins is the Colts QB in this game, bet your first child's second child on the Bengals. No Manning. Advantage Bengals.

With an early schedule
easier than Deena, the
Bengals could top out
at 9-7 this year.

10/30 @Seahawks: On the national scene, the Seahawks are the Bengals of the NFC, everyone's predicting them to be horrible and by Oct. 30, people might be calling this the Suck Bowl. As any Bengals fans knows, the Bengals are undefeated in Suck Bowls. Advantage Bengals.

These opening seven games are easier than a drunk Deena, if the Bengals can go 5-2 or 6-1 in this stretch, Dalton's confidence will shoot up faster than the BAC of a college freshman at their first frat party. If this happens, then anything is possible.

We think they'll go 4-3 in this stretch and then 3-6 the rest of the way.

This post is probably still too short for Grantland, isn't it?

Week One Picks:
Green Bay 28-21 over New Orleans
Cincinnati 20-19 over Cleveland
Atlanta 24-17 over Chicago
Kansas City 20-17 over Buffalo
Philadelphia 21-20 over St. Louis
Detroit 27-20 over Tampa Bay
Tennessee 17-13 over Jacksonville
Pittsburgh 21-13 over Baltimore
Houston 31-17 over Indianapolis
NY Giants 20-14 over Washington
San Diego 35-24 over Minnesota
Seattle 24-16 over San Francisco
Arizona 24-10 over Carolina
NY Jets 20-17 over Dallas
New England 35-20 over Miami
Oakland 17-14 over Denver

Ochocinco Traded to Patriots for Two Future Drafts Picks and Magic Beans

2011-07-30T15:00:00.006-04:00

In only one practice, Ochocinco already has a better relationship with
Tom Brady then he ever had with Carson Palmer. Boston Herald Photo

If you're a new Bengals fan or a fan under the age of seven, you may not remember this, but back in 2008, the Washington Redskins really wanted Ochocinco.

The Redskins wanted Ocho so badly in fact, that they were willing to give up two first round draft picks, the cure to cancer, a solid 24 carat gold Koala Bear statue (worth over $4 billion), Miley Cyrus' virginity and 93 percent ownership in the team.

The Redskins offered Miley's virginity for Ocho in
2008, but the Bengals turned it down.

Of course, if you're an old Bengals fan or a fan over the age of seven, you know what happened: Mike Brown vetoed the deal.

Mike Brown loves vetoing deals.

He's vetoed more deals than the last 23 Presidents of the United States combined.

If the Colts offered Mike Brown, Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne for Morgan Trent and the Bengals water boy, Brown would laugh at the offer for 30 minutes, explain to everyone that Trent and the water boy are under contract with the team and then veto the deal. And then he would take a crap in a Paul Brown Stadium bathroom and ask a Hamilton County official to wipe.

Anyway, back to Ocho.

Ocho was officially traded to the Patriots on Friday for two draft picks, only they weren't first round draft picks, they were fifth and sixth round draft picks. And they're not even for the same year. The fifth round pick is for 2012 while the sixth round pick is for 2013.

The Bengals only have one and a half scouts, so the last thing they need to be doing is trading anyone for draft picks.

Usually, the Bengals don't let their fans down until at least week three of the regular season, this year it looks like they're trying to break new ground.

Despite What Bleacher Report and 50 Percent of Twitter Think: Bengals Roy Williams is Not Engagement Ring Mailing, Lawsuit Filing Roy Williams

2011-07-07T01:34:00.007-04:00


More surprising: that Bleacher Report got the headline wrong or that they spelled Cincinnati right?

Sometimes cases of mistaken identity are awesome, like the time a super hot drunk girl at the bar thought I was her boyfriend. That ended well for everyone, except the boyfriend.

Other times, cases of mistaken identity are bad for everyone, like the time someone decided to put John Travolta and Nicolas Cage in the same movie and then they switched faces and then everyone got confused, except no one was confused because the movie actually kind of made sense and the movie was kind of good and both their careers were peaking, but then one of them made Battlefield Earth. And then the one that didn't make Battlefield Earth one upped (or one-downed) the one who did by making National Treasure 2 and beating up his girlfriend in New Orleans.

If you didn't follow that last paragraph, you shouldn't have, I was trying to lose you, kind of like Bill Simmons completely lost me four sentences into his last column.

Anyway, back to mistaken identity. Sometimes, mistaken identity isn't good or bad, it's just funny. Like the case of Bengals safety Roy Williams.

If you're still drunk from July 4th, you may have missed today's news involving Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams.

Williams, who should probably be at least third in line to be ABC's next Bachelor, mailed his girlfriend a $76,000 engagement ring in February along with a proposal on tape. Yes, he proposed on tape and yes, he mailed it.

For all of you single guys out there, everything in that last paragraph is a probably a bad idea, except for the $76.000 ring, but if you're going to mail it, you might as well clip off your big toe nail, fashion it into a ring and propose with that.

Lets make the rest of this story short.

Cowboys WR Roy Williams' proposal was turned down by Brooke Daniels, his then girlfriend. Daniels then did the diligent thing and decided to keep the ring. Girls love bright shiny things, Daniels is a girl, keeping the ring only made sense. Williams then filed suit in Texas state court because he wants the ring back. Yes, he sued his girlfriend that he just proposed to five months ago. Click here to read the whole story.

Roy Williams almost married Miss Texas, but then he proposed through the mail
and she said no, something that any girl not named Amy Winehouse would do. To be fair
to Winehouse, she would say no too, unless the envelope was full of meth.

This is where the fun begins. Bleacher Report, along with everyone on Twitter, thought that Cowboys WR Roy Williams was Bengals Safety Roy Williams (@RoyWilliams31 on Twitter).

Here's a small sample of what Bengals safety Roy Williams (not "I mailed a $76,000 engagement ring to my girlfriend and then sued her" Roy Williams) had to endure today:

Not only does Roy need to wake up, but the next tweeter says the Bengals safety doesn't have any swag. That's a given though, no one on the Bengals has swag.

Are women easy to please? I'd say the next tweeter is, she thinks the mail proposal was romantic. Trust me it wasn't, it's about as romantic as having a candlelight dinner in your bathroom with the toilet seat serving as the dinner table.

This next tweeter did not follow rule number one of calling people retarded, which is, if they can spell retarded, they're probably not retarded. Based on his tweets tonight, Roy Williams can spell retarded because he in fact is not retarded.

To read all the torture that Williams suffered through last night, check out his Twitter page.

2011 NFL Draft Preview: Its Not Earth Day, but Look for Bengals to go Green

2011-04-28T14:22:00.006-04:00

Finally, its here, the INSIC Mock Draft that's not actually a Mock Draft because we're only going to tell you who the Bengals are going to pick.

Forget Mel Kiper, Mike Mayock, Don Banks or Todd 'really gay' McShay, if you want to know who the Bengals are going to draft tonight, grab a glass of the cheapest whiskey you can find and read on. If you don't like whiskey, then you're obviously not a Bengals fan. As everyone knows, thanks to 20 years of suckiness, all Bengals fans are alcoholics who love whiskey... and vodka and gin and tequila and anything else that blacks out memories of Bengal Sundays.

If you really want to know if you're a Bengals fan, then ask yourself these two questions: am I an alcoholic? Do I love whiskey... and gin and vodka and tequila? If you did not answer "Yes" to these questions, you are not a Bengals fan.

Anyway, lets move on.

Most experts like to point at a teams 'needs' when they're trying to figure out who a certain team is going to draft. We like to point at naked pictures of women, because basically with the Bengals, pointing at team 'needs' does nothing for you, there's a 90 percent chance the pick will be a bust -- and we're not talking about a Hall-of-Fame bust in Canton.

Before we tell you who the Bengals are going to blow their first round pick on this year, lets look at their current situation:

Carson Palmer is confused about where he'll be playing next year.

First, lets be clear about something: the Bengals have a quarterback under contract. His name is Carson Palmer. Carson Palmer has taken the Bengals to the playoffs two more times in the past 20 years then the 10 starting quarterbacks that came before him (free used heroin needles if you can name all 10 starting quarterbacks since 1992 and Boomer doesn't count).

So technically, the Bengals don't need a QB. If they draft one tonight with pick No. 4, it means Marvin Lewis is wearing the pants in the draft room, but we all know he's not, Mike Brown is. i.e. Marvin knows Carson would rather set his genitals on fire than play for the Bengals, Mike Brown doesn't care. Brown would play Palmer even if his genitals were on fire.

If the Bengals do draft a QB, look for it to happen in the second round or possibly later in the first round if they trade down.

You don't think Mike Brown is awesome? Well think again.
Not every second round draft pick gets a Chuck E. Cheese
gift certificate as a signing bonus. Ray Maualuga did in 2009.

Now lets talk about defense. The Bengals defense sucked in 2010. And by suck, we mean watching them was more painful then having all of your teeth knocked out by a drunk donkey who kicks you in the mouth with its hind legs. Drunk donkeys are dangerous, which is why you should never give donkey's alcohol.

Drunk donkey's aside, there is a point here: if the Bengals draft a defensive player, no one at INSIC will be mad.

Someone at ESPN horribly screwed up this graphic, the words "Bengals" and "Draft Party"
should never be in the same sentence. Unless of course, that sentence is "I drank a lot of
DRAFT beer at a PARTY and then blacked out because I'm an alcoholic BENGALS fan."

So who will the Bengals pick?

Rumor has it that a certain University of Georgia receiver has been praying every night that he doesn't get drafted by the Bengals, his name: A.J. Green. Well A.J., god works in mysterious ways, sometimes condoms rip, sometimes they don't. For A.J. Green, the condom will rip tonight, the Bengals will draft him.

If you're on Twitter, feel free to send your condolences his way after the Bengals pick him tonight.

Out at Second! Mike Leake Caught Stealing (From Downtown Cincinnati Macy's)

2011-04-18T17:23:00.008-04:00

"Who's going to be at the ballpark tonight?" Probably not Mike Leake because he's in jail.

We understand that you might not believe the next sentence you read, but we're going to write it anyway.

Did Pac Man Jones frame Mike Leake?
INSIC asks the tough questions.

A Cincinnati pro sports player was arrested today for doing something criminal and it WASN'T a Bengal. Seriously, it wasn't a Bengal. It was Reds pitcher Mike Leake (and no it wasn't Pac-Man Jones trying to frame Leake by wearing a Mike Leake jersey. Jesus, that wouldn't even work, they're not even the same color.)

Anyway, here's the arrest report.

Apparently Leake decided to pull a Winona Ryder when he tried to walk out of Macy's with some clothing that he didn't exactly pay for. The second year pitcher grabbed six American Rag t-shirts off the rack (street value: $59.88), tore off the security tags and then proceeded to walk out of the store. In most states, including Ohio, this is known as stealing.

Since stealing is illegal, police were forced to arrest Leake. At 2:32 p.m. today, the pitcher was booked into the Hamilton County Justice Center. At 3:20 p.m., he was already tweeting about the incident, he wants to know who will be at the ballpark tonight. Lets all agree that there's a 95 percent chance Leake won't be.

Mike Leake's mugshot.

Somewhere, Peter Warrick is smiling (if Peter Warrick references aren't your thing, lets just say he used to play for the Bengals and he too once stole from Macy's).

Also, Macy's hasn't announced it, but if the wheels are turning in the PR Department, the store will be handing out $59.88 gift cards to the first 1,000 fans at tonights game.

Oh and in case you're wondering, Leake's salary this year is $425,000. Meaning he could have bought the six shirts, then bought six prostitutes to put the shirts on, then bought each prostitute their own 8-ball of coke and then still had money left for the penicillin he'd have to buy to cure the STD's the hookers give him.

Reds Opening Day 2011: Sorry Jacksonville, Milwaukee is Now the Jorts Capital of the U.S.

2011-03-31T15:10:00.013-04:00

If the song YMCA is played at today's game, there's a 96 percent chance these
guys will be leading the choreography.

Alright Reds fans who can't be at the game today, you're in luck. INSIC is stalking Twitter to bring you the best images from Opening Day.

If you missed the beginning of the game, Edinson Volquez is in playoff form. He gave up back-to-back home runs in the top of the first.

If Volquez's failures brought you to tears, hopefully the picture at the top of the page will make you thrilled that you weren't alive in the 70's and/or don't live in Milwaukee. Both are good things.

Oh and on a non 'Edinson Volquez is horrible' related note, we have an Opening Day tidbit to pass along: an INSIC source has learned that Pete Rose was not banned from baseball because of gambling, he was banned because he has worse taste in clothing than Craig Sager. We think Rose stole the coat below from Kramer who took it from the set of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Gambling didn't get Pete Rose banned from baseball, his
horrible taste in clothing did.

*Update* Several women have emailed us saying they want to see some 'leg' from these Brewers fans. Well ladies, you're in luck, someone at the game is sitting behind them and he got lots of leg in this picture.

INSIC is a family blog and this picture is more graphic than some soft core
pornos, but we're going to run it anyway.

*Update* Volquez is getting lit up like a porn star in Charlie Sheen's guest house. The Reds trail 5-2 in the fifth inning after a homer by Milwaukee's Ryan Braun. But worry not Reds fans, the force is strong within this team.

"Win, the Reds must," -Yoda

*Update* The first order of business in tomorrow's Cincinnati city council meeting needs to be getting a 24-kt gold Ramon Hernandez statue built. The dude just went 4-for-5 including a walk-off 3-run home run to give the Reds a 7-6 Opening Day win over Milwaukee.

INSIC thinks the Reds need to go 162-0 and win all of their games on walk-off
home runs.

Mr. Redlegs + March Madness + St. Patrick's Day = One Drunk Mascot

2011-03-17T12:54:00.005-04:00

Mr. Redlegs got to the bar at 6 a.m. this morning proving that everyone in
Cincinnati, is in fact, an alcoholic. Oh and ladies, we talked to Mr. Redlegs,
he would like you to know that mustache rides are not free.

In America, there are more St. Patrick's Day traditions then there are mixed raced babies in Kansas.

Is this a picture of bangers and mash or
is cooked Donkey penis a new St.
Patrick's Day tradition. You Decide!

On the food side of things, there's Bangers and Mash, Corned Beef and Cabbage and of course there's that thing that looks like a frat house toilet bowl that hasn't been cleaned in eight months: Shepherd's Pie.

On the beer side of things, Guiness, Harp and Green Bud Light are always popular. However, it's probably in your best interests not to order Green Miller Lite though, because if you do those stuck up stereotyping, profiling, bartending snobs in the Miller Lite commercials won't serve you.

On the other hand, if you're not into St. Patrick's Day beer or food, there's one tradition that's a little less known but still fun to partake in: drunk mascot sex. If you've never had drunk mascot sex on St. Patrick's Day, then technically you're still a virgin. And as everyone knows, being a virgin sucks, which is why, we are here to tell you how to score with a mascot tonight.

The secret to scoring with a mascot tonight: Find Mr. Redlegs, he was at a bar this MORNING, he is getting drunker by the second and by the time the Bearcat game tips off at 9:50 tonight, there's a good chance he'll be ready to have a 12-some with anyone over the age of 10.

And remember, if you do find Mr. Redlegs: drunk mascot sex is OK, drunk mascot rape is not.

Happy St. Patrick's/You might actually lose your virginity for real Day from INSIC.

By the way, in case you're wondering who to gamble your rent money on this afternoon, we like: Clemson, Old Dominion, Louisville, Temple, Kentucky, Pitt and Richmond. If you get drunk enough, feel free to make it an 7-team parlay.

Reds Will Be Honoring Their Biggest Fan on Opening Day: Charlie Sheen Will Throw Out First Pitch, Base Paths Will be Lined with Cocaine

2011-03-03T14:15:00.005-05:00

Charlie Sheen posing with 90's coke partners: 90210's Dylan and Brandon.

Cincinnati Reds Press Release: Opening Day 2011

The Cincinnati Reds would like to announce that for Opening Day 2011, they will be honoring their biggest fan: Charlie Sheen.

"The Cincinnati Reds theme for the 2011 season is 'winning," Reds General Manager Walt Jocketty says. "Over the past six days, Charlie Sheen has made it pretty clear that he's only about 'winning, so we felt honoring him was a pretty logical move for the Cincinnati Reds. Not to mention, Charlie's from Dayton and he's been a huge Reds fan his whole life."

Sheen didn't take the no-hit playoff loss to the Phillies lightly he did
14 lines of coke and had one of the Goddesses give him a blumpkin.

Jocketty says the team approached Sheen last Monday about throwing out the ceremonial first pitch and Sheen gladly accepted, but with one caveat: he wanted Great American Ball Park to serve tiger's blood instead of beer on Opening Day.

"Look, no one's denying that Charlie has tiger's blood in his veins and no one's denying that tiger's blood is a tasty substitute for beer, but the fact of the matter is that tiger's are an endangered species. The Reds organization didn't feel like we could get the amount of tiger's blood we would need to serve 45,000 thirsty fans, so we compromised with Charlie." Jocketty says.

Krivsky says that instead of tiger's blood, the team will line the base paths with cocaine. Major League Baseball approved the cocaine base paths, but only for Opening Day.

According to the Reds, it will take 900 pounds of cocaine
to line the base paths for Opening Day.

"The cocaine thing almost didn't happen," Krivsky points out. "Charlie wanted pure Colombian-grade stuff, which the Reds haven't had access to since the 1980's, so Charlie put me in touch with Colombian President Alvaro Uribe."

The two sides then hashed out a deal: the Reds would give the Colombian President two opening day Diamond Seats for every 90 pounds of cocaine the Colombian President gave them. It took 900 pounds of coke, so the Reds were forced to give up 20 Diamond Seats.

"I'm very well-aware that 90 pounds of coke is worth more than two baseball tickets," President Uribe says. "However, after the death of Pablo Escobar in 1993, our drug-based economy fell on hard times and since 1995 Charlie has somehow managed to single-handedly keep the Colombian drug market alive. So I consider this a favor to Charlie."

When asked about how good Colombian grade cocaine is, Sheen gave it a ringing endorsement, "If you try it once, you will die," Sheen said of the coke. "Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

Asked if he would throw a strike with the ceremonial first pitch, Sheen answered in typical Sheen fashion, "My success rate is 100 percent, do the math."

First pitch for the Reds will be on March 31 when they play the Milwaukee Brewers.

(The Charlie Sheen quotes are actual quotes that we've completely taken out of context, but not really because you can't actually take Charlie Sheen out of context)

Valentine's Day: A Single Guy's Christmas

2011-02-14T15:38:00.001-05:00

By John Breech

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you might be saying to yourself right now, “Jesus, Breech, have you been doing coke lines with Charlie Sheen again because Christmas already came on Dec. 25, I remember because I hated it; my girlfriend got me a sweater, a pair of socks and a box of slightly used condoms."

OK, so it's true, Christmas already came, but if you think about it, Dec. 25 is the sucky Christmas: family, fruitcakes, caroling -- nobody likes that stuff. Plus no one gets to have sex during the holidays because it's impossible to do it when you're aunt and grandma are sleeping in the bedroom next to you.

So single guys, listen up, because here's the secret: the real Christmas is February 14 –there's no family, fruitcakes or caroling on Valentine's Day. There's only three things: chocolate, flowers and sex: drunk sex, sober sex, ear sex, chocolate flower sex -- it can all be done on the 14th.

Now why can it call be done on the 14th? Because for some reason, on February 14th, all the single girls in the world act like they're on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound, picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

If you've talked to any single girl in the past 10 years, she has probably mortified you with at least eight tails of Valentine’s Day disappointment.

Give a girl a taco and you might get laid.

Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they're basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, a taco or hell, a throat lozenge; just give me something that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (Editor's Note: girls acting like porn stars is a good thing: unless the porn star she wants to act like is one of the females from 2 girls, 1 cup in that case you might want to find another girl)

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but over the last 10 years, Valentine’s Day has turned into the Super Bowl of one-night stands. If 110 million people watched the Super Bowl, twice that many times three will be having sex on Valentine's Day, you do the math. Did you do the math? Because here's another number: 80 percent of the people having sex on Valentine's Day are single girls. Sure the numbers don't add up, but they will once you find a drunk girl at the bar on the 14^th.

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me or look like Mort Goldman, well let me assure you, you guys can get laid too.

If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything.

Not being related to John Candy can get you
laid on Valentine's Day

I once told a girl that I was related to John Candy, the conversation went like this:

ME: You know, I'm related to John Candy.

HER: Oh my god, I want to do him so bad.

ME: Umm, he's dead.

HER: Really? Oh well, I've never heard of him anyway, let's get naked.

Four minutes later, we were doing it in a Waffle House bathroom.

Examples of other famous people you can say you're 'related' to are: Hosni Mubarek, Dennis Hopper, Jeffrey Dahmer, Timothy McVeigh -- sure, he's the Oklahoma City bomber -- but if you make it sound cool to be related to him, you're getting laid.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are 98.7 percent. The only way you can blow it is if you get hit by a bus on the way to the bar. Statistics say you getting hit by a bus is not probable. Statistics say that you're getting laid.

Seriously college guys, for you, the math is this simple; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals lots of sex and thousands of unwanted pregnancies. However college guys, please stay away from the 16-year-olds because the last thing this country needs is another season of 16 and pregnant. That show is torture, I would rather have feline AIDS than watch it.

Knowing two Lady Gaga songs is enough to get a
single guy laid on Valentine's Day.

Oh and you non-college guys, don't get your hopes down. If you’re a male between the ages of 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and know the words to at least two Lady Gaga songs, you’re as good as laid.

If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and can name two characters in the movie "Twilight," you’ll go home with someone hot tonight. Hot single girls like Twilight, it's a fact. They'll probably pretend you're Jacob the whole time you're having sex, but who cares, you're having sex.

Finally, if you’re over 45, good god, you don’t even have to try -- just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you. Although if you do have sex with a 19-year-old make sure she's 19 and not 16 because A. it's illegal B. that whole 16 and pregnant thing again.

Oh and one more thing, if you were born on or around November 14, you are the product of a drunken Valentine's liaison. It's a fact, which means one thing -- your parents are probably celebrating Valentine's Day by having sex and lots of it.

John Breech would like to say hi to his mom.

Carson Palmer Goes Brady Quinn/Jay Cutler on Bengals Fans; Getting Ready to Put Indian Hill Residence Up for Sale

2011-02-09T12:28:00.011-05:00

(Carson Palmer and his wife Shaelyn [left] are packing their bags and getting ready to leave town)

It looks like Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer is doing something that no self respecting football player has ever done: that being, acting like Brady Quinn and Jay Cutler. Back in October of 2009, Quinn put his Cleveland area house on the market after Derek Anderson was named the Browns starter.

Brady Quinn doesn't have Myspace...
or a starting job in the NFL.

Quinn made it clear he wasn't interested in being a backup (which is ironic because that's exactly what he did in Denver once he got traded there), so he told the Browns to trade him. The Browns told Quinn to F-off, which is a common thing to say to Quinn -- however, the Browns secretly shopped Quinn around, before pulling off the trade of the year: Quinn for Denver Broncos running back Peyton Hillis.

Former Denver quarterback Jay Cutler actually invented the "I'll force a trade by putting my house up for sale" strategy in March 2009, when, you guessed it, he tried to force a trade by putting his house up for sale. The ploy worked, to some extent, when Cutler was traded to the Bears. However, the trade could also be labeled a failure because had he not been traded to the Bears, he never would have played in the NFC Championship game and therefore never would have been labeled "the biggest vagina that ever played in an NFL football game."

So now it looks like Palmer is going the house selling route too.

Earlier this morning, WCPO in Cincinnati reported that Palmer has officially gone Cutler/Quinn on Bengals fans: he's scheduled to put his home up for sale in March. In the story -- by Ch. 9's Dennis Janson -- Janson interviews an Indian Hill real estate agent who spoke with Palmer today. The agent's opinion of the quarterback after talking to Palmer "He's not coming back."

Palmer lives in Indian Hill and ironically enough, his house is less than five miles away from Mike Brown's palace. They probably hang out all the time.

By the way, INSIC is back, so be sure to check in every day or once a week or at least twice a month.

Is Nike Going to Completely Redesign the Cincinnati Bengals Uniforms? No, but Someone Went Through A Lot of Trouble to Convince you Otherwise

2010-11-19T14:47:00.009-05:00

Are these the Bengals new jersey's? Lets pray to Paul Brown that they're not.

In case you haven't heard, back in October, the NFL announced that Nike will start manufacturing NFL jersey's beginning in 2012. So that jersey you're wearing now, you should just set it on fire because it will be worthless and outdated in two years.

The NFL puts the jersey rights up to bid every few years and Nike, who has a bank account with 77 Bajilliion, million, Bill Gatesillion dollars in it, outbid Reebok for the rights to produce the jerseys.

If you've ever watched an Oregon football game, then you know that Nike designing anything uniform related is a horrible idea. How horrible of an idea is it, it's on par with letting a hungry lion babysit your 9-month old baby.

Anyway, shortly after the Nike-jersey announcement was made, Nike Executive Charlie Denson was quoted as saying that Nike planned on "changing the NFL jersey dramatically, just like we've done with college programs."

Earlier today, a crazy NFL fan with 48 free hours on his hands scared the shit out of every on the internet when he released 32 sketches. The jersey sketches were reported to be leaked from Nike and they were reported to be the jersey that each team will be wearing in 2012.

However, Nike denies that they would sketch something so ugly and they say they have nothing to do with the jersey images that showed up on the internet this morning.

Apparently a fan took it upon himself to design new uniforms for all 32 NFL teams. Now there's crazy (locking your neighbor's cat in a closet without food or water for nine days) and then there's crazy -- wasting three days of your life designing 32 NFL uniforms that are arguably uglier than Joan Rivers plastic-surgery botched, impossible to look at face (Seriously, we dare you to try and stare at that face for more than 30 seconds).

If you want to see all 32 designs, go here. If you ate Count Chocula for breakfast this morning and now have no more and are currently wondering where you can get more, go here.

Oh and for some reason, even though we're a Cincinnati blog, half of our readers are Pittsburgh fans, so here's a picture of the Steelers sketch.

It is not known if the Steelers pants will have a hole in the crotch so that Ben Roethlisberger won't even have to take them off when he sexually assaults 19-year-old girls.

Will the Bengals Win Another Game This Season? INSIC Says No... Wait, No, We Say Yes

2010-11-10T16:50:00.005-05:00

(Editor's Note: For all 31 of you out there wondering why we haven't updated the site for two weeks, here's the story: INSIC founder John Breech was dumped by his girlfriend. He's grieving like a 6-year-old that just watched his first stuffed animal get accidentally set on fire. He has spent the last 13 days sitting in a sandbox sculpting what we think is a life size replica of Paul Brown Stadium, however, the sculpture is so bad, it is very possible that he's sculpting a giant taco and not a stadium at all. Hopefully we'll have pictures. There, now lets get to today's post.)

The most common thing we've heard over the past 24 hours is that the sky is falling on the Bengals season. Well, we're here to tell you it's not falling. It has already fallen. It has smashed everybody into an unsightly bloody pulp that only the Jigsaw killer from the Saw movies could appreciate.

So the logical next question is: should you drown yourself in a bathtub full of cat reproductive fluid? No.

The next question after that is: will the Bengals win another game this season? And to that, we say, we hope so, because if they don't, we're setting Breech's sandbox on fire with him still in it.

Anyway, if you're trying to plan your next few football viewing Sundays based on the probability of seeing a Bengals win, then read on, we'll tell you when they're going to win next.

Nov. 14, At Indianapolis: The Bengals have not beat the Colts since 1937. The odds of the Bengals winning this Sunday are about the same as Tiger Woods getting a phone call from his ex-wife asking him if he wants to be in a threesome with her, her twin sister and a putter shaped dildo. And yes, the putter shaped dildo industry paid us handsomely for that plug.

Nov. 21 Buffalo: The Bills are one of three teams in the league with a worse record than the Bengals. That's right, there are actually three teams in the league that have successfully outsucked the Bengals (Carolina, Buffalo and of course Dallas). The Bills are led by Ryan Fitzpatrick. Bengals fans, you remember him, he's the one that single-handedly torpedoed the Bengals 2008 season. Apparently the Bills aren't aware of the fact that letting Fitzpatrick run your offense is like handing over the keys of your Ferrari to a drunken, coked-addicted 9-year-old. Coincidentally, Buffalo is the only city in the country where you might find a drunken, coked-addicted 9-year old. In less vague terms: you should watch football on November 21 because the Bengals will beat Buffalo.

Wow, we go two weeks without posting, then we comeback with a short and crappy 200 word spot where we only predict that the Bengals are going to beat the Bills -- pathetic -- we'll try harder next time. Or maybe we'll give the same amount of effort that Ochocinco gave in the fourth quarter of the Steelers game on Monday. One or the other.

Game Over for Pac-Man: Bengals Adam Jones Out for Season

2010-10-26T15:55:00.006-04:00

Just when it looked like the Bengals season couldn't get any worse, Jason LaCanfora of the NFL Network goes and tweets this at 3:40 p.m. today: Adam "Pac Man" Jones out for season with a neck injury. Tough blow for him and the Bengals. He has been excelling on field and off

We're keeping our fingers crossed that a Japanese computer hacker broke into LaCanfora's account and tweeted these horrible lies. However, that is highly unlikely, which means LaCanfora's tweet is accurate, which means Pac Man is out for the season.

It looks like Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde have claimed another victim.

What did Jones do this season on defense for the Bengals? How about 13 tackles, one interception, a forced fumble, two fumble recoveries and a touchdown.

So basically, the Bengals bad defense just got worse.

Finally, there is one minor bright spot for everyone out there who was wondering why Daniel Coats is on the team. That bright spot: he is no longer on the team. The Bengals released the "tight end" today and we're putting tight end in quotes because calling Coats a tight end is like calling a dog a rabbit, it makes no sense at all.

If Ochocinco and Deion Sanders Daughter Reproduced, the Baby Would Win the Heisman Before it was in Preschool

2010-10-26T14:53:00.002-04:00

Ninety-seven percent of NFL players agree, there's only three ways to get over a tough loss:

1. Go to a strip club and stare at boobs for 15 hours. If there are no strip clubs around, then find the nearest senior citizens home and stare at old lady boobs, which are almost as nice.

2. Smoke a quarter-pound of marijuana*

*= If Randy Moss isn't on your team, you probably will not have access to a quarter-pound of marijuana, in which case an eighth will do.

and of course, let us not forget number three:

3. Take a picture with a semi-famous hot chick who happens to be related to Deion Sanders.

Because Ocho hates boobs and weed, he went with option number three to get over Sunday's loss to the Falcons: Yup, that's Ochocinco and Deion's daughter in the picture at the top of the page.

If you're an NFL owner reading this and you find out these two are having a baby, it would probably be in your best interests to sign the kid to a 91-year, $4-billion contract. That is, unless the baby is a girl because then it would only be athletic enough to play for the Bills.

Because we haven't posted in a week, we're including a bonus picture of Deiondra in a bikini. You're welcome. Oh and we are not messing with you at all, her name is Deiondra. Apparently Deion Sanders only knows eight letters of the alphabet, that or he hates his daughter.

(If you're one of the six Bengals fans that reads mediatakeout.com, then you may have heard that Ocho and Deiondra went out on a date after Sunday's game. However, unless they had a 15-minute Big Mac date at McDonald's --which is possible, because this is Chad we're talking about after all-- the date didn't happen. Chad left the locker room about an hour after the game (when this picture was taken) and was on a plane back to Cincinnati about 90 minutes after that.)

What Did Ochocinco Send to Atlanta Falcons's DB's? Intimidating Looking T-Shirts that Aren't Intimidating at All

2010-10-20T12:41:00.003-04:00

In between breaking stories about Jersey Shore's J-Woww and Lindsay Lohan's dad, TMZ.com took some time yesterday to break the news on a story that's actually not about douche bags (that is, unless you consider everyone in the Falcons defensive backfield douche bags).

Just after midnight last night, TMZ answered the question that 11 percent of Bengals fans have been asking themselves since Monday: What did Ochocinco send the Falcons DB's?

The answer: lame t-shirts.

In 2004, Ocho sent the Cleveland Browns Pepto Bismol. Chad said the Pepto was to help the Browns because they were going to get 'sick to their stomach' trying to cover him. Also, no one likes diarrhea on a football field, so this was successful in two ways.

Last year, Chad sent the Ravens DB's deodorant, so they wouldn't 'sweat' covering him. This was also a great idea, except that no one in the city of Baltimore wears deodorant, so they didn't exactly get the joke.

Lets ranks Chad's gift giving:

1. Pepto Bismol
2. Deodorant
763. Mad Chad T-shirt

If you've never seen the Mad Chad logo, then you obviously don't own Chad's iPhone app.

In other news: Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee got really drunk last night and this girl really hates college.

The Once-a-Month, One Question INSIC Mailbag Asks: Which Bengals Players are on Facebook?

2010-10-18T17:51:00.005-04:00

Dear INSIC: I'm pretty sure that I'm the only girl that reads your blog, because of that, I was wondering if you could do me a big favor. Can you list of all the Bengals players on Facebook. I spend 14 hours a day on FB and I've run out of people to stalk, please help.

INSIC: First, we should point out that the above letter confirms two things we already knew about females:

1. They now spend as much time on Facebook as they do getting ready to go out on a Saturday night.

2. Facebook stalking is a sport to them. A sport they're good at. A sport where men are the Los Angeles Clippers and women are the Lakers.

Now we also need to point something out: we received this question back in August, but because we're extremely lazy, we decided to take two months to answer it. There are some days here at the INSIC offices where we get less done than a dead hibernating bear.

Luckily for our question asker, the stars aligned last week: the Bengals were off and the Reds season ended, so when we weren't doing trampoline keg stands, we had a lot of free time on our hands. So without further adieu, here is the official list of Bengals players on Facebook.

Keep in mind, if you're a hot girl, the chances of a Bengals player accepting your friendship are 97 percent. If you are not a hot girl, the chances go down to 1.3 percent.

1. Jordan Palmer: If you had to guess one Bengals player that was on Facebook, Palmer would have been your first guess. Just look at the guy on Sunday, he's definitely not looking at plays on his clipboard, he's inventing web sites and writing up tips for Runpee.com.

2. Jerome Simpson: Jerome only gets to suit up for one game a season. So he has to do something with his free time, right? Oh and we can't write anything bad about Jerome because of what happened last time. INSIC founder John Breech got death threats. Well, they weren't death threats, but someone did say he was a "small dick loser." We're not arguing either.

3. Dhani Jones: He has his own television show, so a Facebook profile is kind of a step down for him. But he does have one.

4. Keith Rivers: All you need to know about Keith is that his favorite movie is House Party and his favorite show is Doug. Some inventive writer out there needs to combine those two things and make a movie out of it. Assuming they cast the part of Patty Mayonnaise correctly and she shows some boob in the movie; a Doug, House Party movie would make millions.

5. Kyle Cook: Our offensive line is falling apart, so unless you are Anthony Munoz and can actually help with technique, please do not send Kyle any friend requests, we need him to concentrate on football.

Oh and because we love our readers so much, we have two bonus people for you:

Former Bengal Eric Ghiaciuc, who wrote on Oct. 7 that he is "w/o a team right now, hoping to get picked up soon."

And then of course, there is our favorite profile of all:

Ryan D. Leaf: He's arguably the biggest draft bust in NFL history (David Klingler and Akili Smith might argue this), he once got arrested at the Canadian border because he was trying to flee the country and he became addicted to painkillers even though he only played NFL football for about two weeks. If you're a hot girl and you become friends with him, please send us all of his pictures and if you're really hot, you can send us pictures of yourself too.

And of course, if you lose all hope after getting your friendship request denied by all of your favorite Bengals, you can always 'like,' the official fan page, but that's for losers

Now there are some people out there probably saying, "You guys are stupid, how do you know these pages are real." To you, we repeat: we got the question at the top of the page in August. We have spent the last two months eating illegal mushrooms, teaching our pet squirrel to sit and making sure these are real.

Oh and if you're mad at the Bengals because they're 2-3 and would like to relive their glory days, you can do it through the following players: Eric Ball, Ickey Woods, David Grant, David Fulcher, Eric Thomas, Jason Buck, Jeff Blake, Louis Breeden, Reggie Williams, Skip McClendon, Keith Rucker, Tim McGee and Ron Dugans.

Worst Weekend Ever (Handcuffs Edition): Bengals Shocked, Reds Get Swept and Pacman Gets "Arrested"

2010-10-11T15:43:00.009-04:00

(That really is Adam Jones pictured above and yes, he really is in handcuffs. The picture came from this guy, via twitter)

Handcuffs are fun in the bedroom, but they're not much fun anywhere else.

Cole Hamels handcuffed the Reds line-up last night.

The Cincinnati police department literally handcuffed Pacman Jones yesterday afternoon and the Bengals metaphorically handcuffed their fan base and bent them over backwards when they lost to the Buccaneers.

By the way, Jones was handcuffed because he drove onto a sidewalk.

According to him and witnesses, Jones drove on the sidewalk to avoid hitting another car. Police decided to detain him because (he's black) someone in their data base named "Adam Jones" had a warrant out for his arrest. When cops realized they had the wrong Adam Jones, they released Pacman. He was in custody for almost an hour.

Bengals Lose to Bucs on Blown Call (And Somewhat Crappy Play)

2010-10-10T16:51:00.011-04:00

People on TV have claimed for decades that the camera adds 10 pounds.

But we've never heard that it adds three inches to the size of your right foot.

Well, the refs saw the same image above in the booth, but they still somehow managed to conclude that Michael Spulock's right foot landed in bounds. It never did. His foot didn't drag after the picture above was taken, he was knocked on his left side and his right foot never landed in bounds.

Should the refs die? Probably.

Should Carson have thrown three interceptions? No, but two of them weren't his fault.

Does the blown call matter? Kind of. Kickers hit 31-yard game winning field goals a lot more often than they hit 51-yarders.

Between the no-hitter on Wednesday, the 17 errors on Friday and the impossible loss by the Bengals today, the week from hell only continues for Cincinnati.

To the Refs of today's Bengals game, it's your fault that Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati.

Lance McCalister is the Miss Cleo of Reds Baseball

2010-10-08T18:15:00.005-04:00

Love him or hate him, Lance McCalister is smarter than you (but probably has less hair).

At noon today, the 1530am sports host tweeted that Brandon Phillips would lead tonight's game off with a home run. Brandon Phillips led off tonight's game with a home run.

Since Lance can obviously see the future, someone needs to ask him if anyone at INSIC is going to get laid tonight and if they do, will the girl look like Snooki and if she does, should we call a a doctor about genital warts.

Schottzie Says: Don't Get No-Hit Tonight Reds

2010-10-08T17:39:00.007-04:00

After Wednesday night's nuclear holocaust that was game one of the National League Divisional Series, we here at INSIC thought long and hard about what the Reds can do to win game two.

Here's what we came up with:

1. Don't get no-hit: This seems like common sense, but after Wednesday night, we realize it's not. It is impossible to win a baseball game without getting a hit. Although, theoretically you could win without a hit if a bunch of people got walked and/or hit by pitches and/or got to base on dropped third strikes in the same inning. But we probably shouldn't count on that strategy tonight.

2. Score a run: as the Braves proved last night, even if you don't get no-hit, it is impossible to win a baseball game without scoring a run. Sure, the only Giants run was scored by a guy that was caught stealing second (pictured below) and yes, if the umpire had made the correct call, the two teams would still be playing right now tied at zero (by our count, the game would be in the 92nd inning and Lincecum would probably have close to 400 strikeouts). But we don't care about that series, we only care about this one. Score a God Damn run Reds.

3. Don't Eat Cheesesteaks: For the love of Marge Schott, if you ate a cheesesteak today, then don't watch the game, you're a horrible fan and you're bad luck. As long as the Reds are playing Philadelphia, there is to be no support of anything Philadelphia. Burn your Rocky DVD's, punch Will Smith in the face if you see him, start an illegal dog fighting ring and frame Michael Vick for it. We don't care what you do, just do something.

Prediction for tonight: Schottzie says 5-3 Reds.

Reds-Phillies: Should They Even Play the Series; Plus the INSIC Quick Pick

2010-10-06T15:25:00.010-04:00

If you're a Reds fan and you haven't checked out ESPN.com or SI.com today, don't bother. Its like reading the Vatican's take on evolution or David Duke's opinion on black people. Both sites are spewing hate and lies.

Between the two sites, there are 21 "experts" making picks on the Reds-Phillies series, 21-out-of-21 picked Philadelphia to win. You can't even get 21-out-of-21 to agree that smoking pot with a cop in a port-o-let at a Dave Matthews concert is awesome. So how in the crap can 21 people agree that the Reds are going to lose?

That's were we come in, since ESPN and SI won't do it, we're here to tell you why the Reds are going to win in what we're calling "the shortest Reds-Phillies Preview Ever Written."

Fun Fact that you can tell a Phillies fan right before you punch them: The last time these two teams met in a best-of-5 postseason series was 1976. The Reds swept their way to the World Series.

Reason Why its Sad to be a Pro Sports Fan in Cincnnati: The last time a pro sports team in Cincinnati won a playoff game was exactly 15 years ago today. On October 6, 1995, the Reds beat the Dodgers to become the first team ever to win a divsional playoff series.

Important Fact: Between the American and National League, the team that has won game one in the divisional series is 12-0 over the last three years.

Series Thoughts: The experts are saying that the Phillies can't lose game one because Roy Halladay is pitching. Halladay is apparently unbeatable, unless of course he gets beaten, which happened 10 times this season, including once to the Reds.

All the experts out there also seem to have a short memory, lets recap what happened the last time the Reds were in Philadelphia. It was a four game set played July 8-11.

Game 1: Phillies win 4-3 in 12

Game 2: Phillies win 9-7 in 10

Game 3: Phillies win 1-0 in 11 (Reds P Travis Wood took a perfect game into the 9th inning)

Game 4: Phillies win 1-0 in 9

The fact that the Reds lost all four games is irrelevant, what the series proved is that the Reds and Phillies are evenly matched. What happened when the two teams played in Cincinnati? The Reds took the 3-game series 2-1.

So what happens when you put two evenly matched teams in a best-of-5 series? The team with the most pluck wins.

What the hell is pluck? We have no clue, but the Reds have a lot of it. We'll take Cincinnati in five.

By the way, here's the Reds-Phillies schedule through Sunday:

Game two is at Philadelphia on Friday with first pitch at 6:07 p.m.

Game three is Sunday in Cincinnati!!!!!! First pitch is scheduled for 7:07 p.m., however, if the Twins-Yankees series ends Saturday night, then first pitch is moved to 8:07 p.m.

Ochocinco and T.O. Set to Visit the Tonight Show on October 11; T.Ocho Show Premieres October 12

2010-10-05T16:00:00.012-04:00

No one here at INSIC has watched the Tonight Show since Jay Leno mop-stick raped Conan O'Brien to get his job back last year (In the picture below, Conan is describing how long the mop stick was). But next Monday, we might actually have to watch.

According to the Cincinnati Enquirer, on October 11, Ochocinco and Terrell Owens will be guests on NBC's staple late night show.

But don't think that will be the only time you see Ocho and T.O. on TV during next week's bye week.

One day later, the dynamic duo will be on a much more obscure network when "The T.Ocho Show" premieres on Versus.

Now if you haven't watched Versus in awhile, there's a reason for that. They show bull riding, bass fishing, UFL games, Mixed Martial Arts, racing, hunting and hockey. Basically any sport that sells their television rights fees for under six hundred dollars, Versus will air. And yes, we do think an argument could be made that the Hallmark Channel has almost as appealing programming as Versus.

The Hallmark Channel is awesome, if you haven't seen Daniel's Daughter, then you need to blow up your TV. Just look at the poster below, if a red head, a bike and a dog can't get you to see a movie, nothing will.

On the other hand, Versus did send us a 30 second promo for The T.Ocho show. The Hallmark Channel definitely didn't send us a promo for Daniel's Daughter, so they can go to hell. Anyway, you can see the promo below (And of course, as with all Youtube clips that we don't know how to embed, you can see the small stupid version below or you can click here to see the giant, fun, full version).

Do You Have a Box of OchocincO's at Your House? Do You Want to Have Phone Sex Today? Then You're in Luck!

2010-09-30T11:44:00.011-04:00

Without even knowing it, Ochocinco and his new cereal have combined the two things that people love most about the morning: breakfast and phone sex.

When OchocincO's cereal was released late last month, one of the reasons it got so much publicity outside of Cincinnati is because a portion of each sale from every three dollar box was going to go to a charity called Feed the Children.

Then Ocho had an even better idea, why not put the phone number for Feed the Children on the OchocincO's box so that people could donate more money. A good idea in theory.

However, someone at PLB Sports (the Pittsburgh based company that makes the cereal) made a big goof. Instead of putting the phone number for Feed the Children on the box (1-888-HELP-FTC), they put something way more exciting: the phone number for a phone sex line (1-800-HELP-FTC).

This is so awesome that someone at PLT Sports is either going to get a huge raise or get fired today.

The bigger question here is: why is everyone in this country an ass? This phone sex number has been on the side of the box for just over 30 days now, which means that for 30 days, pretty much no one called to donate money to this charity. This also means that the children of feed the children are not being fed.

An Ohio family finally called the number yesterday and after hearing a sultry sex siren answer the phone asking them what their favorite position is, the family called WCPO Channel 9, which of course is what most normal people do when asked about sex positions on a phone call that was made using a number from a cereal box.

As far as XXX content goes, we didn't think Chad would be able to top his giant dick towel, but he's done it.

Anyway, Chad's take on the incident is simple, here's what he told the Enquirer's Joe Reedy this morning: Remember, [the cereal] is made in Pittsburgh, something just isn't right.

By the way, all boxes of Ochocinco's are being pulled from the shelves, so if you have one, you may want to hold onto it, it could be a collector's item.

The only way the cereal industry can top this is if Toucan Sam, Lucky the Leprechaun and the Trix rabbit have a foursome with Count Chocula.

Reds Take NL Central; Things Starting to Look Sunny in Cincinnati

2010-09-29T19:05:00.013-04:00

We don't like to brag, but we're going to anyway.

In May 2009, we picked the previously 4-11-1 Bengals to go 10-6 for the 2009 season. The Bengals promptly went out and made us look like the Miss Cleo of Cincinnati sports predictions by going 10-6.

Last February, we made our first Reds prediction. Because everyone at INSIC has a man-crush on Jay Bruce, we picked the Reds to go 86-76 and contend for the division crown. Now, with the Reds coming off nine straight losing seasons, we didn't just go out on a limb with our pick, like an unprotected one-night stand with an HIV positive partner, we took a big risk. Well, last night, the Reds made the risk pay off, by not only contending, but winning the division.

Because no one at INSIC has been sober enough to write for the last 18 hours (we celebrated Jay Bruce's walk-off home run by bonging bottles of Crown Royal), it took us until now to get this post up.

We weren't at the game, but it sounds like everyone had fun. Rey Maualuga, who lives downtown, tweeted that he was up until two in the morning because everyone was honking their horns in celebration. Reds fans were probably also celebrating by conceiving babies and its probably a safe bet that those babies will be named Jay Bruce [insert last name].

Its also probably a safe bet that MTV will make a season 3 of Teen Mom. Seriously, we will pay every teenager in the world to stop having sex if it means MTV will have no more material for Teen Mom.

Speaking of teenagers, all of the teenage girls reading this are only asking themselves one question: how old was Justin Bieber the last time the Reds were in the playoffs?

The answer: One year and seven months (Cincinnati's newest hero, Jay Bruce, was only seven).

Think about how long ago 1995 was: current high school freshmen weren't even alive. Instead of bashing Jews and getting DUI's, Mel Gibson was winning Academy Awards.

Lets just all agree that a Cincinnati sports fan was the first one to say "good things come to those who wait." We went 15 years between division titles in football and baseball.

And for the record the AFC North, Big East and National League Central Titles are all in Cincinnati right now. If anyone tries to talk trash to you, punch them in the face.

Panthers Fans Pay Good Money to Sleep as Bengals Smoke Their Team: Sunday's All-Day Diary

2010-09-28T17:49:00.020-04:00

If you watched the Bengals game on Sunday and you thought it was boring, imagine being a Panthers fan, it was like being raped by a Triceratops. The Carolina fan above paid $60 for a ticket to the game and then fell asleep/was roofied/passed out/went comatose by the middle of the third quarter.

It was a sight to behold.

My new friend Ickey Woods was more than happy to take a picture with sleeping/roofied/passed out/comatose Panthers guy. And yes, this picture pretty accurately sums up the Carolina fan base.

Alright, no more stalling, here is the non-sensical ramble known as the INSIC day-long diary. Characters include Brad (who hosted us all), Debbie, Nate, Justin, Mel and me.

8:01 a.m.: I wake up when a dog starts licking me. I hate hamsters, I hate most marine animals and I really hate dogs. So I'm pissed. Then I remember that I forgot to set my alarm, so the dog actually did me a favor. As a reward, I gave it two hamburger patties and a hot dog. I don't even know if dogs are allowed to eat that stuff, but I gave it to him anyway. By the way, I also ate hamburger patties and hot dogs for breakfast. We shared a plate, the dog and I are now best friends.

9:45 a.m.: I spend 1-hour and 44-minutes trying to wake everyone up in the house I am at. There were five other people who were all in differing states of alcohol laced slumber. I thought three of them were in comas. There could have been a five-alarm fire in the house, these people were not going to wake up. I made the dog lick them all.

10:18 a.m.: In my mind, we're already two hours late for tailgating, so I start to complain, but every time I would complain, my friend Brad would point outside and casually mention the impending hurricane that was about to engulf all of Charlotte. Tailgating in hurricanes isn't fun, neither is tailgating in snowstorms or hail storms. I've never tailgated in a sand storm, but I bet that sucks too.

11:01 a.m.: Because my Charlotte friends are smart and watch the weather channel 17 hours a day, they knew it was going to rain. So we tailgate inside. Tailgating inside is like having sex with a really fat ugly chick, its nothing you're proud of, but its still sex... or tailgating in this case.

12:48 p.m.: The walk to the stadium is horrible. Imagine taking a shower with all of your clothes on, then drying off and then taking another shower with only your shoes on and then going to a football game. I'm pretty sure this is how everyone in the stadium felt. Except for the people with ponchos. People with ponchos are smarter than everyone. Someone wearing a poncho will cure cancer.

1:07 p.m.: Our tickets for the game are at will call, which means me, Justin, Nate, Mel and Debbie all have to stand in the rain while Brad retrieves them. We have no ponchos, no umbrellas... Lets just say, for some stupid, horribly thought out reason, we all planned for

tropical weather. While we were standing outside the stadium, we notice two Redskins fans LEAVING the game. Yes, seven minutes into the game, they were leaving. I am not making this up. They explained to us that they would rather go watch the Redskins in a bar. Well, I think we can all agree that karma Triceratops raped them because Washington got molested by St. Louis (And yes, I am trying to see how many times I can use the words Triceratops and rape in the same sentence).

1:23 p.m.: We get into the stadium just in time to see Cedric Benson score. It's a historic touchdown for the Bengals. Why? Because it's their first opening quarter touchdown since Nov. 22, 2009. That's right, the Bengals successfully went nine games without a first quarter touchdown. That's the equivalent of being married and going nine years without having sex on a Monday, it's almost unfathomable.

1:58 p.m.: I see a little girl in front of me holding the Batman sign pictured at right. Unfortunately I didn't have the heart to tell her that that Ocho was Robin and that T.O. was Batman. But it wasn't her fault that she got them mixed up, it was her parents fault. Horrible display of parenting here, but we won't go to hard on the parents because they did raise their kid a Bengals fan after all.

2:19 p.m.: I promised myself that if the Bengals were winning at halftime, I wouldn't complain about Carson Palmer. The Bengals are winning 10-0.

2:21 p.m.: It takes me .3 seconds to break my promise, I start complaining right away. What the hell happened at the end of the first half? Panther fans were LAUGHING at us. Panthers fans have not laughed at anyone in five years. Then some stupid Panthers fan says it, "I'm glad we have Jimmy Clausen and not Carson Palmer." They had to be kidding, there are General Managers in the NFL that would rather have AIDS than Jimmy Clausen. By the way, in case you missed the end of the half, Carson managed the clock like Andy Reid and blew a Bengals scoring opportunity.

2:59 p.m.: Jimmy Clausen leads the Panthers on the first (and what will probably be the only) touchdown drive of his career. No one in the stadium cheers and thats mainly because there are only 90 Panthers fans left. Which isn't Tampa Bay Rays fans pathetic, but its pretty bad.

3:02 p.m.: Just to prove how empty the stadium was, I take this picture (below) of the beer line 10 minutes before the beer line was closing. At Paul Brown Stadium, there would be a small riot as people fought to get their last beer. At Bank of America Stadium, there was this guy, all by himself. I think the booth pictured sold $21 worth of beer on the day. Keep in mind, the beers cost $7.

3:19 p.m.: Mike Nugent, who happens to be my early vote for team MVP, hits a 50-yard field goal that would have been good from Canada. Bengals go up 13-7.

3:36 p.m.: Carolina's Jonathan Stewart fumbles and the Bengals recover. Carson Palmer then does something that no one in the stadium thought was possible: he completes three passes in a row. Not only that, but the last one goes for a touchdown. After the game clinching TD pass to Benson, I forgive Carson for his 18 incompletions and 11 interceptions on the day (Note: he actually only threw two interceptions, Panthers defensive backs dropped the other nine).

3:51 p.m.: Carson Palmer takes a knee. As do all the Panthers fans in the stadium. Carson is taking his knee to run the clock out. Panthers fans are taking their knee because they are praying to God that Jimmy Clausen never starts another game for them ever again.

4:41 p.m.: While walking back from the stadium, I run into a group of 19 Panthers fans who are all playing corn hole. We all agree that if Jimmy Clausen and Carson Palmer were on the same team in corn hole, they would score zero points. We also agree that its completely plausible that they would lose a game to a cat and a hamster, but that would only be assuming that the cat doesn't eat the hamster. Anyway, I offer to put my hat and jersey on the line in the game. I go up 9-2 in a game to 11. But then my friends come and tell me its time to go, something about how people have to catch flights and stuff. Can you believe that? My friends thought catching their flights home and not missing work on Monday was more important then my corn hole game! Asses. I told them that I hoped that they all got raped by a triceratops. Then one of them told me that Triceratops' are extinct and that I should come up with a new animal and just drop the dinosaur rape bit all together. I have vowed to never make a dinosaur rape joke ever again.

Next INSIC All-Day Diary will be live from Atlanta

Bengals-Panthers: Ochocinco is Treating 85 People in Charlotte to Dinner Tonight; Read Below to Find Out Where

2010-09-25T13:36:00.007-04:00

Even though Charlotte is a dying town where no one would actually live if they had a choice, you still can't walk into a restaurant on a Saturday night and ask for a table of 85 and expect to be seated. (Actually we love Charlotte, we're there right now. But really we don't, we're just saying that so we don't get beat up while we're here).

Anyway, back to this dinner thing.

This means that if Ochocinco is taking 85 people out to dinner tonight, he definitely had to call ahead to get a reservation. And as most know by now, when a table of 85 is booked at a restaurant the night before the Bengals are playing in your town, it can only mean one thing: Ocho's on his way with 85 friends.

Now in case you're not one of the 1.3 million people following Ocho on Twitter, let us fill you in on what's going on: For every away game the Bengals play this season, Chad has promised to pick a restaurant in the away city and pay for 85 people to eat and drink. He will tweet the location at 4 p.m., we are announcing it right now (its 1:36 p.m.)

So what restaurant did he pick for Charlotte?

Drumroll please...

Chima Brazilian Steakhouse

Now keep in mind that we're a blog, so we're wrong 37 percent of the time that we're right. But we're happy with our sources and we're about 97 percent sure that Chima is where Ocho is heading tonight. He'll officially tweet the location at 4 p.m.

So if you want a free meal tonight, put on your riot gear and make sure you're one of the first 85 people in line at Chima which is located on 139 South Tryon Street.

INSIC Will Be LIve From Charlotte For Sunday's Bengals-Panthers Showdown* (We're Using the Term Showdown Very Loosely Here)

2010-09-23T13:45:00.009-04:00

(The Panthers are averaging about 1,092 people per game this season, so although we have no definitive proof, we have reason to believe that the picture above was taken during the second quarter of last week's thrilling Tampa Bay-Carolina game)

On Monday morning, there was a buzz going around INSIC headquarters that no one here had felt since the last time we got drunk on absinthe. If you've never drank absinthe, don't do it. However, if you absolutely have to do it, make sure there's a hot girl, a piccolo and a ball of yarn around when it happens (Trust us, it will all make sense).

Anyway, why all the buzz on Monday?

Because Carolina Panthers head coach John Fox, who is obviously trying to lose his job as quickly as possible, made the following announcement: Jimmy Clausen will start at quarterback for the Panthers on Sunday against the Bengals.

Here's all you need to know about Clausen:

1. He failed sixth grade.

2. He showed up for his first day of college (at Notre Dame) in a stretch hummer limo.

3. He's an ass hole.

And we should note, that as much as we like to make things up, we made up nothing on the above list.

Now number 3 might sound like our opinion, but really, its not. Clausen dropped to the second round in last April's NFL draft, not because of his lack of talent, but because scouts thought he was "cocky" and had a "smirkness" to him. That's there way of saying that he thinks he has Peyton Manning talent while everyone else only sees a quarterback that got Charlie Weiss fired from Notre Dame.

Speaking of Notre Dame, Clausen said he was going to "win multiple national titles" with them. Clausen came up multiple national titles short of his goal.

So what does this all mean? It means INSIC will be sending someone to the game. The last two times we did this (Baltimore and Minnesota last season) Breech mishmashed together 5,000 words of nonsense that read like a Danielle Steele novel combined with a bad Bill Simmons column combined with a fourth graders biology paper.

If you see someone in Charlotte wearing a purple speedo, it's probably Breech doing his best Jimmy Clausen impression (and yes, that's really Jimmy on the right in the picture below).

Braves East Division Collapse Can Only Mean One Thing: New Atlanta Blog

2010-09-22T17:26:00.013-04:00

When INSIC started two Februaries ago in Pete Rose's basement, we had this Martin Luther King Jr. size dream that one day the Bengals would win the Super Bowl which would come four months after the Reds won the World Series which would come three months after Pete Rose was inducted into the Hall-of-Fame.

Sure it's only been 19 months, but we're currently sitting at 0-for-3. So now, we've decided to put that dream on hold for at least six more weeks (which will be when the Reds win it all) and focus on dream number two.

Our other dream is simple: take the INSIC idea to other cities in the country and pay the new writer's using money we win betting big on Cross-Country pony racing.

Well, our little pony finally hit it big last week and now we have enough capital to start blog number two.

Ladies and gentleman, lets welcome the second blog into the Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati network: Dealing Dominique Wilkins.

What INSIC does for Cincinnati, DDW will now do

for Atlanta. And if you think about it, now is the perfect time to start this blog.

The Braves are falling faster than a dead body thrown off the side of a four-story building.

The Hawks are two weeks away from breaking training camp, but no one in Atlanta actually knows that because there aren't actually any Hawks fans in Atlanta.

The Falcons are so desperate to sell tickets, don't be surprised if they start throwing in German hookers who will probably themselves be encouraged to throw in free blumpkins.

And then of course, there's the bread and butter of Atlanta sports -- the University of Georgia. The Bulldogs season has started off like Kevin Kolb's career in Philadelphia. Which is ironic because Kolb lost his job to Michael Vick, who in two games this season with the Eagles has played 97 times better than he did in 74 games as a Falcon.

Now why is the blog called 'Dealing Dominique Wilkins?'

Good fucking question.

Our new Atlanta writer claims that the downfall of Atlanta sports started in 1994 when the Hawks traded Mr. Wilkins and a first round pick for a washed up Danny Manning. We won't bore you with too much NBA talk (mainly because Cincinnati doesn't have a team), but lets just say, in the NBA, you should never trade away your first round pick. It would be like giving up your first born son, only your first born son is a 6'9" power forward named Jesus C. from Bethlehem.

Oh and as DDW mentions in their inaugural post, the Hawks got taken to the cleaners in the trade by THE CLIPPERS. That sentence has never been written before and it won't be written any time after this. The Clippers will never take anyone to the cleaners ever again. Mainly because they're the Clippers.

Will DDW be as entertaining? Maybe.

Does the guy running it have four kids which means more poop jokes? Yes.

Will Breech ever write for them? If he gets paid in blumpkins, you can count on it.

If you're an Atlanta fan, check out the newest blog in the INSIC network: Dealing Dominique Wilkins.

Because You Asked For it: The Once Every Six Months One Question INSIC Mailbag (Sponsored by McDonald's)

2010-09-16T16:06:00.014-04:00

(As always, these are real questions that we either added words too and/or greatly embellished to make them sound more interesting).

Q: Dear INSIC: The Reds are in a pennant chase, the Bengals opened their season last Sunday, yet you, an unabashed Pro-Cincinnati sports blog, managed to go six days without a post. What The Fuck gives. Unless you guys were snorting cocaine with Joaquin Phoenix in a rundown Las Vegas hotel room, this is not OK.

INSIC: Although there's not technically a question above, we're going to answer this one anyway.

Last Thursday, we broke the second rule of blogging, which is never blog about Tom Brady (The first rule of blogging is don't tell a girl you're hitting on at a bar that you're a blogger, this is an easy and surefire way to never get laid).

Anyway, we followed up last Thursday's Brady post SIX days later with ANOTHER BRADY post, which is the blog equivalent of setting small defenseless animals on fire. It's just sick and uncalled for.

Now, why two Brady posts in a row? Why six days with no new offerings at all when the city of Cincinnati is in a sports renaissance that we haven't seen since 1976? Well, here's the bottom line, it's 50 percent our fault and 50 percent Terry's fault. Who is Terry? Read on and find out.

After Brady got in a car accident Thursday, the INSIC staff got on a plane and flew to Grand Rapids, Michigan for a wedding. Yes, we'll admit it, a wedding on NFL kickoff weekend USUALLY has failure written all over it. But not this one. The wedding we went too was so awesome that it made Chelsea Clinton's wedding look like a late night drunken high school after prom party thrown by homeless people. An awesome wedding means there wasn't one spare minute to post. Or was there?

That's where our friend Terry comes in. Terry is a real Bengals fan (that's him and his wife pictured below with Ochocinco), he owns a Horst Muhlman jersey.

Terry went to high school with INSIC founder John Breech.

Terry went to the Patriots-Bengals game on Sunday.

Terry was tasked with two things: take a ton of pictures (so we could post on Monday) and if he see's a skinny girl that's a Patriots fan, tell her she's fat. Simple, right? Wrong.

Tuesday evening at 7:41 p.m., a full 51 hours, 36 minutes and 19 seconds after the game ended, Terry finally checked in on Facebook with the following message (we have not edited this at all):

much to my chagrin, while walking wasted from tailgate to game Sunday the beer in my pocket spilled and engulfed my camera, just as the female MA mounty grabbed my C. Johnson jersey & turned me around to dump out the rest of my beer. So I'm left with a memory card with only tailgate pics that I won't be able to access until the benglas win this Sunday, Please let the staff at INSIC know I'm deeply sorry for blowing my assignment

The first question we had after reading this was: why the hell are their mounties in Massachusetts. There are only two places where a mountie should ever show their face: in Canada or in a WWF ring. A WWF ring IN Canada would be the most ideal place.

So ladies and gentleman, that is why we went six days without posting.

Coming tomorrow: The Jimmy Johnson interview where Jimmy Johnson tells us how long Jerry Jones would last on Survivor (Hint: not long). On Saturday, we'll probably have an incredibly accurate Bengals-Ravens prediction for you too.

Sports Illustrated Rubs in Bengals Loss, Supports Car Accident Victims: Puts Tom Brady on Cover

2010-09-15T13:44:00.007-04:00

If you're a Bengals fan and you plan on hitting up a supermarket, gas station or book store this week, make sure you bring the following three things: 1. matches 2. gasoline 3. enough money to make bail. And just so you know, you'll need about $3,000 to make bail on the third degree arson charge you'll face for burning every Sports Illustrated you see this week.

Now why would you want to burn this week's Sports Illustrated?

Because Tom Brady is on the cover. Brady now becomes the first athlete to take advantage of Sports Illustrated's new 'get in a car accident, get on our cover policy.' This is also his 12th SI cover (meaning someone at Sports Illustrated has an extremely non-straight crush on him), which ties him with Joe Montana for most covers by an NFL player.

Anyway, back to Brady. If you thought you had a big week last week, you're wrong, it was probably pretty lame compared to Tom Brady's. Here is what Brady's last seven days have looked like:

1. Survive a car accident

2. Sign a $74 million contract

3. Dissect the Bengals defense like they're a dead cat in an inner city biology class

4. Get on the cover of Sports Illustrated

We haven't read the cover story, but we don't need to. It will probably talk about Brady's hot wife, his bid to cure AIDS, how he keeps Randy Moss happy by buying him weed from offshore marijuana farms, how the Bengals game plan was so bad that Brady didn't even watch film on them.

Tom Brady you're the reason Its Not Sunny in Cincinnati this week.

Patriots QB Tom Brady in Car Accident, Unfazed, Will Play Sunday

2010-09-09T10:54:00.012-04:00

Normally, we don't care if bad things happen to other NFL team's quarterbacks, but since the Bengals open with the Patriots on Sunday, we thought we should let you know that earlier this morning, Tom Brady was involved in a 2-car accident. (As everyone knows, TMZ.com manages to score pictures of everything, the picture below is from TMZ and it shows Brady getting out of his car seconds after the accident).

The van pictured below was allegedly running a red light and Brady T-boned them at an intersection he was green lighted through (i.e. it appears the accident was not his fault). The back left corner of the van is ripped apart because emergency personnel had to use the jaws of life to extricate a passenger from the vehicle.

Here are the facts of the incident from radio station WEEI in Boston, who first reported the accident this morning.

Sources have told the Dennis & Callahan Show that Tom Brady was involved in a car accident near his home at the corner of Commonwealth and Gloucester in Boston Thursday morning.

According to the report Brady was "shaken" and it was believed that the jaws of life were used in what is being described as a "serious" two-car accident that took place just after 6:30 Thursday morning. An Audi with New Jersey plates (belonging to Brady) apparently hit the a Ford minivan at an intersection. One report from WHDH-TV said Brady had a green light while the minivan ran the red, and as a result, Brady hit the side of the minivan, causing the crash. As a result, one or both cars struck a pole, and that pole fell.

Sources indicate that Brady had to be extricated from the vehicle, but did not go to the hospital, declining medical attention and walking away from the scene. As of roughly 8:30 a.m. on Thursday, he was reportedly on his way to work at Gillette Stadium.

UPDATE, 9:22 a.m.: Via Twitter, the Patriots have just made a statement: "Patriots QB Tom Brady was in a car accident this AM He was not hospitalized and is expected at Gillette Stadium today."

Lets all hope this goes better than the last early morning accident involving an incredibly famous athlete.

Don't Hate on Jerome Simpson or Bengals Fans will Hate on You

2010-09-06T13:06:00.010-04:00

(Beast of the East on Bengals.com is the genius responsible for the photoshop above)

And the Jerome Simpson story has taken on a life of its own.

As such, I think I'll take a page out of Gregg Doyel's book and respond to some of the the postings that have showed up on Bengals.com and Go-Bengals.com. Actually, I won't respond, I'll just post them and let the hatred seep out, that will be way more fun.

Now lets get to the excitement.

There seemed to be three schools of thought on the Jerome Simpson piece:

1. People agreed with me

2. People didn't agree with me

3. Agree with me or not, everyone was unanimous in the fact that I came across as a smarmy, self-serving, waffle-eating ass hole who hates the Bengals. I'll go ahead and agree with three out of the four.

For the record, I did not post the Simpson piece on either message board, I posted it here on Its Never Sunny and on Bleacher Report. Then, like a Blood seeing a Crip at the supermarket, things escalated from there.

First up is kday777 from the Bengals.com message board.

kday777wrote:

John Breech is an idiot and anyone who agrees with his approach is equally an idiot. I hate guys like John, nothing but losers. People like that talk tough using the internet, would never in his life say anything to anyones face, unless of course he was drunk with a gang of friends, because we all know that that is the only way certain folks ever show any balls, drunk and with friends.

Guys who have never played football and will never ever play always talk the most ish about players, learn your role. Your role is to watch and cheer. Your role is to come on boards like this and pretend like you know a lot and talk ish to other people pretending like they know something and thinking what they say is important. Your role is not to confront players and talk ish when you would never say it to their faces. Learn your roles.

Next up, we have scharm from Go-bengals.com, he was very concise with his point:

I'm sorry John Breech you come off as a small dick loser. As for Jerome Simpson, Who cares?

Now here's a little something from USN Bengals on Go-Bengals.com:

What a self serving arrogant ass... just the fact that you feel you had the right to make fun of Jerome Simpson so you could have people pay attention to your sorry little ass is pathetic... then to post about it on another message board so you can get MORE attention possibly is even more indicative of what kind of little asinine fucking geek you are.

How about you just piss off?
Mmmmkay?
If you have such a need to have people pay attention to you so that you feel you might have a future in sitcom track laughter writing... go sing fucking karaoke in front of a mirror and heckle yourself.
Gnarly little fuckstick.

On a lighter note, we have Mcballerson:

[x] john_breech, i hope you get mauled by a bear.

[ ] john_breech, have a nice day free of bear-mauling.

Wait, here's some minor support from Essex Bengal on Go-Bengals.com:

So am I the only one who thinks this guy has a point? If you're ever going to get anywhere in the NFL, you're going to have to get used to people taking a cheap shot at you. We all hope (or at least I guess we do) that Jerome is going to get better and end up being a stud for the Bengals and having a great career. If that happens, along the way he's going to have to put up with this sort of stuff only a lot more of it. Imagine if Brett Favre took any notice of all the shit that's written about him. He probably wouldn't get out of bed in the morning. Or what about all the shit that Chad gets thrown at him every day which is about 10,000 times worse than this?

This was just a 'throw away' comment which Simpson should have just ignored. He should just focus on improving his game and the only criticism he should be listening to is from his own coaching staff. John Breech writes stuff, Jerome Simpson plays football. If he lets something as minor as this get to him, he's never going to get anywhere in the game.

Lets get back to the insults, actually forget insults, barkerja on bengals.com is offering a $5,000 bet:

Well, let's see if Mr. Breech will put his money where his mouth is. I'm willing to throw down a $5,000 bet that Jerome will have 1,000 yards before Briscoe does.

Alright, lets end this with three explanations:

1. I tweet random gibberish 11 hours a day, three days a week. The infamous Briscoe-Simpson HOF tweet was meant tongue-in-cheek. Do I think Briscoe is a Hall-of-Famer, uh, no. Believe it or not, I do know a little bit about football.

On the other hand, I did not direct the tweet at Jerome Simpson's Twitter account (@Rome089). So when I say, I didn't give the tweet a second thought, I'm not kidding. Look at my twitter page, I tweeted about 50 more times that day. When I checked my email on Sunday morning and saw a message from Simpson, I actually had no clue what it was about. I had to go to my Twitter profile and look up everything I wrote Saturday before I figured it out. If I tweet that TJ Houshmandzadeh is a washed up pony-tailed girl that should have retired last year, I don't expect TJ to send me an email.

Think about this, Jerome has a lot on his plate, the last thing he needs to do is scour Twitter, Facebook or any other social network looking to talk trash to people that think he should have been cut. For the record, Jerome didn't tweet me, he sent me a private message on Twitter, which is even more ridiculous when you think about it. If other Bengals fans want to bash my opinion, I'm all for that, that's what message boards are for.

That being said, people who were saying it was a 'cheap insult,' or I was trying to 'instigate' something, the equivalent here would be if Rush Limbaugh got mad over a joke that Jon Stewart made. Stewart's show is supposed to be funny, but there is underlying truth to most of the things he says. Am I Jon Stewart? Hell no. But the tweet was written in the same manner.

2. The piece about Simpson was originally only published on this blog, it was blog material. If I could do things over, the only thing I would have done differently is not publish the piece on Bleacher Report. I would have kept it to Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati where it fits in with what the blog is about.

3. Finally and don't take this as me backtracking at all. But I'm a Bengals fan first, I want to see Simpson succeed. If he does well, then that helps the Bengals. Do I think he should have made the team? No, but that doesn't mean I can't cheer for him. As a Bengals fan, I don't have to agree with every move they make, but I'm sure as hell going to root for anyone wearing the uniform. And as long as Simpson is wearing it, I'll be rooting for him.

Oh and if anyone wants to call me a piece of shit to my face, you can do it on Twitter, Facebook or the comment section of this site.

By the way, I'll be at the Bengals-Falcons, Bengals-Panthers and Bengals-Chargers games this season, so kday77, I won't be hiding behind my computer, I'll be eating stale nachos and heckling the opposing team's fans.

Why Hasn't Bengals WR Jerome Simpson Cracked the Starting Lineup? Probably Because He's Too Sensitive

2010-09-05T17:16:00.007-04:00

INSIC founder John Breech wasted his entire day yesterday doing three things: watching college football, tweeting and keeping track of who the Bengals cut from their roster (Since 81 percent of our readers are Bengals fans, we'll figure 59 percent of you knew that yesterday was cut day in the NFL. For the other 41 percent of you, cut day is where each team has to get their roster down to 53 players).

Nine seconds after he heard the news that sixth round draft pick Dezmon Briscoe had been cut, Breech offered this tweet making fun of the Bengals favorite two and a half-year WR project, Jerome Simpson: Dez Briscoe will be in the Hall-of-Fame before Jerome Simpson starts a game for the Bengals.

After sending the tweet, Breech took a bath, ate two waffles, watched the Miami Redhawks almost shock Florida, followed by the Reds pounding the Cardinals before mowing his lawn.

What we're saying here is that he didn't give the tweet a second thought.

But someone did give that tweet a second thought, that person, none other than the Bengals two and a half year WR project himself: Jerome Simpson.

Now, we didn't know that Simpson was more emotional than a teenage girl having her first period, but apparently he is.

At noon today, Simpson sent Breech a personal message on twitter: Why r u following me if wanna talk shit about me? O ya an you will never play an NFL snap.. So I got u!!

No Jerome, Breech probably will never play an NFL snap, but you'll probably never write a grammatically correct sentence, so in that sense, you guys are even.

Jerome, we'll keep this short and sweet:

1. Stop Twitter stalking your haters and learn the playbook. Terrell Owens learned it in two weeks, you're now going on 125 weeks. Unless he's 62.5 times smarter than you, this makes no sense.

2. Pray nightly that offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski never gets fired because it would take you another three years to learn the new coordinator's playbook, which means you would be the first six-year veteran in the history of the NFL to never start a game. That would be an awesome record to hold.

3. Andre Smith sucks worse than you and at this point is a bigger draft bust. The only difference, he actually answers questions and doesn't avoid the media. Stop being a bitch. In every day America, if you work at a job for two years and don't produce, you get fired. So don't be so touchy when Bengals fans want to see some new blood, you've showed us nothing in two years.

By the way, in case anyone is wondering, here are Simpson's stats after two full seasons with the Bengals: eight games played in, one game started, one catch for two yards.

Bengals vs. Colts Preseason Primer

2010-09-02T15:04:00.006-04:00

Ha, Ha. Preseason primer.

Unless you're J.T. O'Sullivan's girlfriend, you don't need to watch tonight's game.

The starters will play one series (two if you're lucky).

Jordan Palmer will probably play two quarters and we all know watching him play is more painful than letting your friends use your face as a dartboard.

On the other hand, if fierce preseason kicking battles interest you, then by all means watch the entire game tonight. It's unlikely, but at least possible that Dave Rayner or Mike Nugent could win or lose the kicking job.

If Nugent's placekicking skills were half as awesome as his signature, he would have won the job two months ago. (Yup, that's Nugent signing an autograph below and yes, we also found it shocking that he doesn't sign with his kicking foot).

Reds Cuban Missile Aroldis Chapman Launches Tonight at Great American Ball Park

2010-08-31T19:23:00.015-04:00

If baseball loving Cuban dictator Fidel Castro wasn't slowly dying every day, there is no way he would have let Aroldis Chapman defect from Cuba. But Castro is dying, so in July 2009, Chapman did what any intelligent, communist hating, million dollar prospect would do: he defected the communist country.

Now, one year and one month after his defection, Chapman will don his Cincinnati Reds uniform for the first time.

Chapman will bring his 105 mph fastball, his tears that cure cancer and his princess backpack (pictured above) to Great American Ball Park tonight as the Reds take on the Brewers.

Lets hope Dusty Baker doesn't pull a Kerry Wood or Mark Prior on Chapman, who last year was labeled the WORLD's best left-handed pitching prospect (P.S. we love to exaggerate here at INSIC, but we're not making that up, scouts were calling him the WORLD's best, not Cuba's best, not North America's best or the Western Hemisphere's best, but the World's. Suck it Japan).

Besides Chapman, the other big pitching story line for the Reds is the return of Aaron Harang.

We like Harang, but.........Lets put this in the nicest terms we can: Harang is washed up, he should have retired last year, Chapman should take his spot in the starting rotation, there were pitchers in the Little League World Series with better arms than Harang.

Harang's stat line tonight will probably look like this: 5 runs, 10 hits, 3 strikeouts. However, since the Reds offense has turned into a bond company this season (they've been bailing their pitchers out all year long), expect Harang to get a no decision instead of a loss.

Now that being said, Harang wasted the brilliant years of his career playing for a sucky Reds team that was under sucky ownership that didn't want to win. On that note, lets hope Harang gets a World Series ring in October so he can retire and stop embarrassing himself.

Obviously, the Cy Young poster of Harang below is from 1998, you know, when he was good.

Bengals Throw $7 Million into Toilet: Officially Release WR Antonio Bryant

2010-08-29T13:38:00.007-04:00

In the past two years, in the 'good experiments gone bad' category, Heidi Montag's 13 plastic surgeries were in a class of their own. Now she has some company.

Just after 1 p.m. today the Bengals cut ties with Antonio "I signed in March, never played a down and will still collect $6.95 million" Bryant. If you have trouble understanding things in quotations marks, let us say this again: Antonio Bryant will collect almost $7 million even though he played exactly ZERO regular season games with the team.

Bryant passed a physical before he signed his contract in March, but due to reoccurring knee injury, he was never able to play. What does this mean? It means Dr. Jack Kevorkian has a better track record than the Bengals doctors.

Because we love making lists, here is a list of five things Bengals owner Mike Brown could have spent the $7 million on:

1. Thirteen more plastic surgeries for Heidi Montag.

2. An indoor practice facility (This is reportedly the big hangup in the Marvin Lewis contract negotiations).

3. Seven million Wendy's five piece chicken nuggets which would be 35 million nuggets total which would be enough for every starving child in Somalia (5 million) to have seven nuggets apiece.

4. A line of cocaine on the armrest of every seat in Paul Brown stadium for one game. Or if Mike Brown likes the idea of making money more (which he does), he could have built a meth lab the size of Paul Brown Stadium that could have probably pushed out more drugs than the states of Alabama and Kentucky combined.

5. A Taco Bell franchise.

And to think, just two days ago, Enquirer Bengals beat writer Joe Reedy put together this endearing piece on Bryant.

Bengals Cheerleader That Doesn't Have STD's Wins $11 Million, Only Problem: She Sued the Wrong Company

2010-08-27T16:39:00.016-04:00

Back in December, gossip website Thedirty.com received a hot tip that a certain Bengals cheerleader was a walking STD. Thedirty posted a picture of Ben-Gal Sarah Jones and said she had our two personal favorite venereal diseases: chlamydia and gonorrhea.

Now if you didn't take slander 101 in college, here's the deal: publishing false information about people is kind of illegal. So if you accuse a girl of having an STD, she better have one because if she doesn't, she can file a lawsuit. Which pretty much means, unless the guy that runs Thedirty.com is Sarah Jones' gynecologist, he probably shouldn't be writing about her STD situation.

Anyway, Jones did take slander 101 in college, so she sued... and won. Yesterday, she was awarded $11 million (which breaks down like this: $10 million in punitive damages, $1 million in compensatory damages).

With $11 million in the bank, Jones could conceivably quit her day job as a school teacher. On the other hand, lets hope she hasn't turned in those resignation forms just yet.

Now you're probably wondering, "She's a millionaire. Why shouldn't she quit her job, go to Vegas and do cocaine off of Criss Angel's genitals for the rest of her life?"

BECAUSE SHE SUED THE WRONG COMPANY

Here's an interesting tidbit from politico.com: A Kentucky teacher and Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader sued the dirty.com -- or at least she thought she did. U.S. District Court Judge William O. Bertelsman on Wednesday ordered LOS ANGELES-based Dirty World Entertainment Recordings -- which the complaint said operates THEdirt.com -- to pay $11 million for failing to respond to the suit.

The only problem? Thedirty.com, which accused Jones of having 25 STD's, is a Scottsdale, Arizona based company (not Los Angeles based) called Dirty World LLC (not Dirty World Entertainment Recordings).

After the judgement, Jones' lawyer, Eric Deters, told Cincinnati.com, "This California company was brazen, they didn't defend it, they didn't come, they ignored [the case]."

Nik Ritchie, who runs theDirty.com, was probably thinking, "No shit we weren't there, we never got served. You sued some company in California, I'm in Arizona you dumb ass."

Deters, who is now currently the frontrunner for the "shittiest lawyer that ever lawyered" award, had told the media that the case was going to be slam dunk because the defendant didn't respond.

So lets sum this up for you: Bengals cheerleader/Norther Kentucky school teacher Sarah Jones gets accused of having two STD's that she doesn't have. She sues the site that makes the accusations (Thedirty.com), wins $11 million, finds out she sued the wrong site (thedirt.com) and now, she might not get the money.

Lets just all agree, having two STD's would be easier than going through this whole situation.

Finally, you're probably asking yourself, "INSIC, the only way this post could get awesomer is if you can somehow mention Shayne Graham." Done.

This whole thing started in October 2009 when TheDirty alleged that Sarah and Shayne Graham were having an affair. But she called it off after Shayne 'missed the uprights' in bed (Note: there was no affair and we don't even know what 'missing the uprights' means in this context).

Joey Votto Shows Up on Sports Illustrated Cover: Jinxes Everything and Everyone in Cincinnati

2010-08-24T12:17:00.022-04:00

Thanks to Joey Votto, every Reds fan, Reds player and Cincinnati Zoo animal is now jinxed for the rest of their lives. And its not just any jinx we're talking about here, its the SI cover jinx.

Sports Illustrated unveiled this week's cover yesterday and guess who was on it? Joey 'I Think I Just Jinxed All of Cincinnati' Votto.

Three hours after the cover was released to America, the SI cover jinx b it the Reds in the ass harder than Marv Albert bites South African teenage sex slaves.

And don't just think that the jinx mildly attacked the Reds last night, it shot them straight in the head. The Reds were Abraham Lincoln sitting at Ford Theater and the jinx straight up John Wilkes Booth-ed them.

Besides the fact that the Reds lost to the Giants 11-2, lets take a look at what else happened.

First up, Cincinnati starter Edinson Volquez didn't even make it out of the FIRST INNING. A drunk David Hasselhoff wearing a diaper on his head could have pitched his way through one inning, Volquez could not.

Secondly, Jim Edmonds had to leave the game because of what the Reds trainers called 'a strained oblique.'

Don't believe that shit for a second though, when the SI cover jinx is involved, its always something worse. Our guess is that what the Reds training staff means by 'strained oblique' is actually cancer and Edmonds will be dead by the end of the week. That's the nature of the jinx people.

Third and finally, Laynce Nix had to leave the game because he got injured running the bases. Do you know how often that happens? Never. Six-year-olds run the bases every Sunday at Great American Ball Park and none of them, NONE OF THEM, ever get injured.

Of course, the second Votto shows up on the SI cover, Laynce Nix sprains his ankle running to first base. And because it's an SI cover jinx injury, there is a 97 percent chance that Nix's sprained left ankle will have to be amputated.

Here's our advice if you're a Reds fan: don't go out in public, don't walk your dog, don't feed your cat, don't shop at Kroger, close your 5/3 account, melt your Graeter's ice cream, burn your skyline chili and for the love of God, don't wear a Bengals jersey, until the jinx has passed. Which will be never.

Oh and one more thing. We should probably point out that when Sports Illustrated puts a guy on their cover, 99.8 percent of the time, there's a story about them inside the magazine. Here's the piece on Votto.

Cardinals TV Announcer Gets DUI; St. Louis Responds by Losing Five Straight Games

2010-08-21T16:47:00.011-04:00

(Pictured above is St. Louis Cardinals TV announcer Dan McLaughlin, and yes, we're wondering the same things: Is McLaughlin cross-eyed and drunk, just cross-eyed or just drunk?)

The Cardinals were off last Monday, so St. Louis play-by-play man Dan McLaughlin went out and did what any Fox Sports Midwest announcer would do, he got completely tanked and drove home.

According to St. Louis Today, Fox Sports is going to give McLaughlin Saturday and Sunday off for 'personal reasons.' Allegedly, that personal reason is so that McLaughlin can recover from the hangover that he's been nursing for the last five days.

The Cardinals dedicated every game they played this past week to McLaughlin and ironically enough, they played like they were drunker than him during his DUI arrest as they proceeded to lose each game.

McLaughlin will be back in the booth on Monday when the Cardinals travel to Pittsburgh. St. Louis area authorities have told McLaughlin that he will not have to go to jail since watching the Pirates play for three games is more punishment than any one person should ever have to suffer through.

On an unrelated note, since McLaughlin's DUI on Monday, the Reds have absolutely taken over the National League Central, this is what the standings look like:

1. Cincinnati 71-51

2. St. Louis 65-54, 4.5 games back

3-6 Who Cares

Chad Ochocinco is Out, Chad 'Johnson' is Back

2010-08-19T13:24:00.006-04:00

Since we're not a gay porn site, we don't usually run pictures of giant penises.

However, since this giant penis is on a towel and Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco is wearing it, we're going to make an exception today.

If you're thinking to yourself right now, "hold on, whoa, wait a minute, I've seen a towel with a giant penis on it, and it wasn't on a gay cruise ship," we can assure you that you probably did see one and that you're not crazy.

Last year, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia ran an episode about the "Dick Towel." If you want to make waves next time you take your nephews to a neighborhood pool, then you can try and order one here. Or just watch the fake 'Sunny' infomercial.

By the way, the next logical step is obviously the vagina towel, but lets hope everyone agrees not to create the tampon towel.

Oh and it goes without saying that Bengals GM Mike Brown probably loves the fact that the Bengals logo is clearly visible in the background of Ocho's picture.

Rey Maualuga Avoids Suspension for January DUI; Ochocinco will Pee in Cup Today

2010-08-17T13:37:00.012-04:00

Driving drunk in a car with underage girls is every guys dream. The only problem with this dream is that its frowned upon by the general public and illegal in most states (We don't have time to research any state laws, but we're guessing that it's not frowned upon or illegal in the following states: Kentucky, West Virginia, Georgia and probably Louisiana).

It turns out Bengals LB Rey Maualuga may have lucked out last January when he was nabbed for DUI, mainly, because he was arrested in Kentucky, one of the aforementioned states where sleeping with 14-year-olds is encouraged.

What does this mean?

It means that when Rey-Rey was arrested, he wasn't charged with getting an underage girl drunk, he was only charged with DUI (reports are that his BAC was .157). Officers could have also charged him with a 'Crime against Humanity' for driving a Pontiac Sunfire, but instead, they showed mercy.

Maualuga put the incident behind him last February when he pled guilty to his DUI charge, however it wasn't until today that the NFL finally weighed in on whether or not he would be suspended.

Roger Goodell and the NFL formally recognized today that it's incredibly hard to pickup hot high school tail at a bar. Maualuga's mad pickup skills were rewarded as the NFL has decided to NOT suspend him for his January DUI. The former USC star will have to forfeit two game checks (Meaning he's out about $46,500).

Would you leave a bar drunk with the 18-year-old girl pictured below? Maualuga did. By the way, in case you can't tell, the picture is courtesy of Sports by Brooks.

The Bengals have now lucked out twice this offseason, as Cedric Benson also went unsuspended for his June arrest. Although in Benson's defense, he was punched in the face, didn't retaliate at all and then arrested a month after the alleged incident.

Ochocinco Getting Drug Tested Today

Unless testing positive for McDonald's can garner a 4-game suspension, its probably a safe bet that the Ocho will pass his random drug test.

By the way, if anyone from Dial is reading this, you're sitting on a God Damn gold mine, look at the top of Chad's locker, its already stocked with a season's supply of Dial body wash and the season hasn't even started.

Wild Weekend in Cincinnati: Reds Giving Away Garden Gnomes, Bengals Welcome 6'3" 245 Pound Baby Jesus (AKA Tim Tebow)

2010-08-14T15:35:00.015-04:00

If you're a Christian, than you probably celebrate Jesus' birth on December 25. On the other hand, if you're like millions of hot girls and college football fans and Tim Tebow is your savior, than your Christmas is today.

That's right everyone, God's second (and more talented son) Tim Tebow will be celebrating his 23rd birthday today in Cincinnati. After Jesus didn't pan out as a football player, God wanted another son and Mrs. Tebow delivered for the big man on August 14, 1987 when Tim was born.

So what's the second son of God up too today? We've obtained Tebow's itinerary for the weekend and it looks like this:

12:07 p.m.: Broncos plane, which Tebow piloted, lands at CVG.

1:37 p.m.: Adopt 17 homeless children

2:01 p.m.: Walk across water at Fountain Square

3:31 p.m.: Watch film

3:59 p.m.: Daily phone call with the Pope

5:26 p.m.: Perform open heart surgery at local hospital

7:01 p.m.: 'Last Supper' with team where Tebow will point out which offensive lineman will betray him Sunday.

9:07 p.m.: Ping Pong match with Boomer Esiason

Sunday

7:38 p.m.: Get crucified by the Bengals

GARDEN GNOME NIGHT AT THE REDS GAME

Now if worshipping Tim Tebow isn't your thing, you're in luck because for the first time ever, there's two fun things to do in Cincinnati on the same weekend.

Tonight, the Reds will host the Florida Marlins, which on its own, sounds pretty boring. Well, the Reds know that, so they've decided to spice things up by giving away a Garden Gnome to the first 20,000 fans in attendance.

Now you might be thinking, "I don't have a garden and I'm mildly afraid of gnomes, so should I still go to the game?"

The answer to that is a resounding yes and that's mainly because there's a 12 percent chance that Tebow will be at the game. By being in the same building as Tebow, your odds of going to Heaven increase by one-third.

Now, if your Gnome fear is what's keeping you from tonight's Reds game, then just watch the video below 20 times, not only will you love gnomes after watching it, but you'll have an explanation ready when you try to rub noses with all the incredibly hot ass at Great American Ball Park tonight. (Note: Rubbing a girl's nose with your nose is a gnome kiss, we are not advocating rubbing anything else. If you try to rub another part of a girl without her permission, you could get arrested and/or thrown in jail, if that happens, you'll have to pray to Tim Tebow that the judge goes easy on you).

Reds-Cardinals Fight: First Inning Hug Fest Turns into First Inning Slug Fest

2010-08-11T12:07:00.018-04:00

(Did the Reds and Cardinals decide to have a hug-off in the middle of the game? Was this a giant first inning prayer group? Or was it an awesome fight? Probably No. 2)

For some reason unbeknownst to us, the Cardinals got pissed on Monday because Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips called them all 'a bunch of bitches.' Although his statement was 99 percent accurate, St. Louis players still took offense to it. How could they be offended by something so true? What a bunch of bitches, right?

Anyway, we weren't at the game, but we had several Facebook friends attend and they posted a couple photos. So we stole them. The picture at the top of the page is a grainy cell phone photo. The female who took it has no future as a photographer.

The fight started in the first inning when Brandon Phillips (yes the same guy that basically called the Cardinals a bunch of vaginas) was batting. He took his bat out and gave Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina a friendly tap on his shin guard, Molina reacted to the friendly tap like a 'bitch' would, he instigated a bench clearing brawl.

By the way, if the Reds don't want to be bitches themselves, they need to avoid the sweep today. The game starts in 28 minutes (12:35 p.m.), so stop reading this and start watching the game.

UPDATE: Our lone commenter directed us toward this: the Reds-Cardinals brawl re-enacted in bobblehead form. Except for your parents having sex, everything is cooler when it's re-enacted in bobblehead form. You can hit this link and go to Mo Egger's blog or you can watch our cutoff version below (again, we have no technological wherewithal).

Oh, and the Reds got swept, which means everyone in the INSIC office has to do the same thing tomorrow morning, eat a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, but instead of milk, we have to use ranch dressing. Stupid f-ing Cardinals fans and their stupidly smart bets. They're all bitches.

Cincinnati Reds Trade for Reds Killer Jim Edmonds

2010-08-09T18:28:00.011-04:00

(Above: Jim Edmonds does his first interview as a Cincinnati Red. Photo from the Reds Twitter page)

Since he took over the Reds General Manager position in 2008, Walt Jocketty has been trying to do one thing: fill the Cincinnati roster with former St. Louis Cardinals.

Jocketty continued his never ending quest today by trading for former star Cardinal and current Brewers center fielder Jim Edmonds. Earlier this season, Jocketty signed former Cardinal Jason Isringhausen to a minor league contract. Current Red Miguel Cairo also used to play for St. Louis. Lets hope that Jocketty's master plan is to get Albert Pujols in a Reds uniform by September.

Anyway, back to Edmonds. The 40-year-old played with the Cardinals from 2000-2007, however, St. Louis let him go before the 2008 season and after that, teams started to pass the aging center fielder around like a hot chick in a gang bang. Edmonds has played for the Padres, Cubs and Brewers since 2008.

So what did the acquisition of Edmonds cost the Reds?

Cincinnati had to give up OF Chris Dickerson, which is actually a good thing because guys with the word 'dick' in their last name have short tempers and are usually very easy to make fun of.

The only negative out of the trade is that super-stud pitcher Travis Wood has been optioned to Triple-A. It won't be permanent, but its probably safe to say that Wood is the only minor leaguer right now who has taken a perfect game into the ninth inning of a major league baseball game.

Edmonds and his new Cincinnati teammates will host St. Louis in a 3-game series that starts today. Tonight's first game will be on ESPN. Edmonds will bat fifth and play center field.

If you've followed Cincinnati baseball at all over the past 141 years, then you know that this is the biggest non-playoff series since Eisenhower was president. Which means: please watch!

INSIC would like the game to get high ratings so that ESPN televises every Reds game from now until they win the World Series in October.

Thanks to Suckiness of Jordan Palmer and J.T. O'Sullivan, Cowboys 10th Stringers Beat Bengals Seventh Stringers

2010-08-09T15:04:00.026-04:00

If you're a Bengals fan, then we'll presume you watched at least the first 12 minutes of last night's Hall-of-Fame game between Dallas and Cincinnati. Actually, even you're not a Bengals fan, we'll assume you watched it because the game garnered the highest ratings in 6-years for an NFL preseason contest.

Now, if you turned the game off in the second quarter, no one can blame you. Watching J.T. O'Sullivan play quarterback is more painful than watching your dog die from feline AIDS that he contracted during unprotected sex with a stray cat.

Without looking at the box score, try and answer the following question:

Which number is higher?

A.) J.T. O'Sullivan's QB rating from last night

B.) The number of times Kevin Huber punted

C.) The length of Ron Jeremy's Dong

D.) Both B & C

If you guessed E -- J.T. O'Sullivan is the worst QB in the history of organized football -- then you are correct. We would have also accepted B, C and B & C. (O'Sullivan had a 7.0 QB rating, Huber punted 10 times and from what we've heard, Jeremy's dong is over 7 inches. Our senior pornography correspondent should have this verified by the end of the night)

With the O'Sullivan complaints now out of the way, its time to play our favorite game: "Who we liked, who we didn't like and who should be pooping their pants?"

Who We Liked

Jordan Shipley: He can catch passes and return punts (If you fell asleep at halftime, he set up the Bengals only touchdown with a 63-yard punt return in the fourth quarter), but more importantly, he has Laveranues Coles number. The sooner we forget about Coles the better. Coles left a sour taste in our mouths, you know, the same kind of taste that rancid 11-month old chocolate milk leaves when its mixed with expired baby food.

Geno Atkins: We're going to call this guy 'The Diet' until it catches on with Bengals fans everywhere (Get it, Atkins Diet. OK, punch us in the face. Its not funny or clever and it sounds like something Chris Berman would come up with). The Diet had four tackles and a sack that went for a big loss (Get it again, on a diet you lose pounds, this diet makes you lose yards. Fuck, OK, we'll stop now). Plus Geno disrupted the Cowboys offense in the same way a crying baby disrupts a cross-country flight.

Pac-Man Jones: Adam Jones looked more like Indiana Jones last night. Every time he was near the football, it looked like he was pretending the ball was the holy grail and the Cowboys were the Nazi's trying to steal it. Jones even impressively opened the game with a nice play on Cowboys No. 1 receiver/Nazi Miles Austin. He also looked quick on his kickoff returns, which is kind of surprising because back in February the Bengals didn't sign him because he had an Albert Haynesworth-esque 40 time.

Matt Jones: With the price of Colombian grade cocaine going up daily, Jones knows he has to make the team so he can afford the stuff, accordingly, he ended the game with 42 yards on three catches. Here are his plusses: Jones is almost 7 feet tall, thanks to Ocho and Owens, most teams probably won't even bother to cover him, which is good because he can catch. Oh and most importantly, he plays quarterback. A piece of lawn furniture would be an upgrade from O'Sullivan. Jones would make a nice backup or 3rd string QB. However, unless he averages 125 receiving yards a game during the preseason, he probably won't make the team. But it's nice to know he tried hard yesterday.

Chase Coffman is alive: Most people thought he was dead. Well he's not. He caught a 21-yard pass on a 4th-and-17 (By the way, with a kicking competition going on, Marvin passed on a 52-yard field goal to go for it on fourth-and-17. Good call coach. And yes, we are wondering if a kicker molested Marvin Lewis as a child because he seems to hate them a lot).

Punt Coverage Team: At least three Cowboy punt returners almost died last night. We're pretty sure it was Brandon Ghee and Gibril Wilson that made the bone crushing hits, feel free to correct us if we're wrong.

Who We Didn't Like

Any QB with a first name that starts with "J": O'Sullivan was dreadful. Watching him play was like watching Wesley Snipes act. You know they're really trying, but the bottom line is, they just don't have any talent. Jordan Palmer was a little bit more respectable. He led the Bengals on their only touchdown drive (ha ha ha ha, that's a joke, it was a 1-yard drive setup by Shipley's punt return.) He also completed two passes to Cowboys players and four to Bengals players. Generally, that is not a ratio that wins games in the NFL.

Brian Leonard: We just bought a Leonard jersey last week, if he's hurt, this will be the biggest waste of $230 since 1995 when we bought that Ki-Jana Carter jersey before the Bengals preseason game against the Lions.

Who Should be Pooping Their Pants

Quan Cosby: Cosby catches passes over the middle, he returns punts and he can generally play special teams. You know who else does all that: Jordan Shipley. Shipley is younger, cheaper and he plays the guitar better, as he proves in the picture below.

By the way, in case you're wondering, the horrible play of the Bengals first team offense didn't bother us one bit. It was their first time out and they played like it. Did you try 17 different positions the first time you had sex? No. The offense went missionary style. They didn't do anything fancy, they tried out a few plays, threw T.O. a couple balls and called it a night.

Someone on Twitter Loves Ochocinco

2010-08-06T19:09:00.010-04:00

As most psychotic, prowling, drug-addicted ex-girlfriends already know, the best thing about Twitter is that you can anonymously stalk people and there's a 99.0003 percent chance they'll never find out.

On the other hand if you're tired of stalking or just lazy, you can tweet your phone number to your favorite celebrity and cross your fingers that they'll call you.

That was the tactic employed by our new friend Cynthia Roberson or as she likes to call herself on Twitter: @Sexymom97.

Over the past three weeks, @sexymom97 has been blitzing (pun intended) Chad with tweets asking him to call her. She even left her number for him in a tweet. This now means that the Ocho and six million other Twitter users can call her any time they want, day or night.

Twitter is obviously filled with thousands of people who exhibit extremely poor judgement (if you need any proof, just look at Spencer Prat t's profile, 863,679 are knowingly following him. In the world we want to live in someday, he would have three followers and he'd only be famous because he died in a panda bear attack at age seven).

So lets review.

Old uncool way to stalk: Facebook

New trendy way to stalk: Twitter

Please note accordingly.

Chad doesn't know it, but the segway above might be his only means of escape some day.

INSIC and Sports Illustrated's Peter King Agree: Andre Smith Sucks, Oh and Jermaine Gresham Signs

2010-08-02T17:10:00.016-04:00

Fifteen months ago, John Breech wrote some mean things about Andre Smith. The day after the Bengals drafted Smith sixth overall, here was Breech's take on the pick:

If the Bengals had the first pick in an imaginary draft that consisted of Andre Smith, Jesus and a meth addict, I would have wanted them to take the meth addict first (Jesus is undersized for the NFL and Andre Smith is less reliable than most meth users).

Today, in his weekly Monday Morning Quarterb ack piece, Peter King over at Sports Illustrated reiterated Breech's point when he used the words 'never, ever and ever' all in the same sentence, as in:

Andre Smith should never, ever, ever, have been the sixth pick in the draft in 2009.

We couldn't agree more.

Last night, the monthly INSIC employee party was held at Hooter's and lets just say this: Andre Smith has bigger boobs than every Hooter's waitress in Cincinnati.

We actually had to email the FCC to make sure the picture below wasn't considered pornographic.

FCC: Are those man boobs or woman boobs?

INSIC: Man boobs.

FCC: Are you sure, they look like woman boobs?

INSIC: Pretty sure.

In the end, they let us run the possibly pornographic picture (Observe jiggly man boobs at your own risk).

Finally, we have two non-Andre Smith related notes.

First up, ESPN.com's Elizabeth Merrill put together a really great story on Mike Zimmer and how he's coped since the tragic death of his wife Vikki 10 months ago. Read it now and please don't come back to our site until you've read the whole thing.

Item number two: the Ochocinco News Network (or OCNN, if you will) is on pace to win their first Pulitzer thanks to this story Chad broke on Twitter at 5:05 p.m. today. Bengals first round pick Jermaine Gresham has finally signed. Enquirer Bengals beat writer Joe Reedy is reporting that the deal is 5-years and worth $15.8 million with a maximum value of $18.5 million if he reaches all incentives. If Gresham ends up turning into an Andre Smith or JaMarcus Russell sized bust, he'll still go home with his $9.6 million guarantee.

Bengals Don't Waste Any Time Getting Terrell Owens Playbook Ready

2010-07-28T13:09:00.009-04:00

The news of Terrell Owens signing with the Bengals is less than 18 hours old, but as you can see in the picture above, the team wasted no time in getting T.O.'s playbook ready.

The funniest thing about the playbook picture above is this: take a gander at Chad's playbook. The man changed his last name to Ochocinco two years ago, but Marvin Lewis doesn't seem to care, the playbook still says "Chad Johnson."

By the way as Chad sauntered in to Georgetown today for training camp, he had a bold statement for reporters, telling them it would be "a fucking shame if we don't win the Super Bowl."

So now you're probably wondering, "great, Chad thinks we're going to win a Super Bowl, that must mean every game is a sellout this this year, right?"

Geoff Hobson over at Bengals.com has this report from the Bengals ticket office:

Andrew Brown, director of ticket sales, said Wednesday morning that since the news of Owens' signing broke Tuesday night the Bengals have sold more season tickets than they did all last week combined. Brown called action "brisk but not overwhelming," and said single-game tickets have also spiked with the Sept. 19 home opener against the Ravens in the lead. The Nov. 8 Monday night game against the Steelers has already been hot and Brown says tickets are limited.

It sounds like Brown is saying the Bengals sold eight season tickets last week and they have beaten that total by already selling nine this week.

Oh and one more thing: to the people in the Bengals front office: If the negotiation team worked half as fast as the playbook production team, Jermaine Gresham would have been signed the day after the draft.

Cris Collinsworth and TNT's Craig Sager Star in "INSIC's Awesome Pictures of the Week"

2010-07-27T16:22:00.010-04:00

Yesterday we promised you pictures of TNT's NBA sideline reporter Craig Sager. Today we provide them in our new Tuesday segment called "INSIC's Awesome Pictures of the Week."

Although please keep in mind that there is a very good chance that our new Tuesday segment won't run next Tuesday or ever again.

Former Bengals wide receiver Cris Collinsworth is in the picture at the top of the page. Every year, Bengals fans debate whether or not Collinsworth is a true fan, this picture should finally put that argument to rest. He has whiskers for God's sake.

C-squared sported the face paint in New York today on the set of Inside the NFL.

Now lets get to the Craig Sager picture we promised you.

In the shot below, Sager is standing on the 18th green at the Atlanta Athletic Club in Johns Creek, Georgia. When it comes to picking out clothes, it's quite clear that Sager is either color blind or shops with a blindfold on. If you ever see him, please ask him which one it is and relay the answer back to us.

When Sager isn't golfing, you can usually find him in one of his goofy suits (pictured below).

If the Stock Market Crashes Today, Blame the Cast of Jersey Shore

2010-07-27T15:44:00.009-04:00

While ringing the opening bell on Wall Street today, the cast of Jersey Shore proved one thing: the New York Stock Exchange no longer has any standards when it comes to selecting 'famous' (and we use that term loosely) people to open up the trading day.

Today, Snooki, the Situation, Pauly D, J-Woww and some other people with weird nicknames made their way to the trading floor to ring the opening bell. This was all to promote season 2 of Jersey Shore, which kicks off on MTV on Thursday. Of course if you're a female between the ages of 15 and 29, you already knew that Jersey Shore kicks off Thursday because you've had your DVR set for it since December.

Our second favorite Jersey Shore cast member, Angelina Pivarnick, had a Facebook status update this morning that said her and the jersey gang were headed to Wall Street to ring the bell. We thought she was playing a terrible joke on humanity. Well it turns out she wasn't lying.

By the way, if you want to see pictures of Pivarnick's cleavage (like the one below), you're going to have to befriend on her on Facebook because Angelina got the boot for season 3 (or she quit, depending on whom you believe). According to every gossip site on the internet, this is Pivarnick's final season on the show.

Unfortunately this isn't the first time we've tortured our readers with a Jersey Shore themed post. In February, we chastised Ochocinco for embarrassing the Bengals organization, his city and his family when he posed for a picture with Pauly D and the Situation.

He still hasn't apologized.

T.O. to the Bengals is Only a Signature Away From Happening

2010-07-26T17:14:00.018-04:00

Just what the world needed: the new TMZ Sports Department to start gaining credibility. On the totem pole of respectable sports sites, TMZ ranks right below us and right above this blog. However, thanks to their Terrell Owens report Friday, they are slowly moving up.

On Friday, the same website that shows live feeds of Linsday Lohan court hearings, one upped everyone in the NFL world (Adam Schefter, Everyone at ESPN, Profootballtalk, Chris Mortensen, Jay Glazer, Jason La Canfora, Peter King) when they reported that Terrell Owens signing with the Bengals was 'imminent.'

(Was Adam Schefter asleep at the wheel when the T.O. rumors started. ESPN's favorite insider refuted TMZ's initial Terrell Owens to the Bengals report)

After TMZ broke the news, every sports reporter in the country laughed at them, then they laughed some more and then when they were finally done laughing, they 'rebuked' the Terrell Owens to the Bengals story with their own 'sources.'

Today, it looks like TMZ's tip paid off. At 4:42 p.m., Enquirer Bengals beat writer Joe Reedy tweeted:

Why did this all happen?

Why didn't we just sign T.O. in March?

Great questions.

Back in March, the Bengals went with Antonio Bryant, even though everybody knows that there are middle school chess players with more receiving talent than Antonio Bryant.

The Bengals finally realized this and now they're trying to bring T.O. to town.

Anyway, lets just point out one more thing: there is a currently someone on the Bengals coaching staff that is going to have a resume that looks like this:

Convinced Cincinnati to sign untalented, washed up receiver Laveranues Coles to completely overpriced contract.

Convinced Cincinnati to sign untalented, washed up receiver Antonio Bryant to completely overpriced contract.

Alright, we're going to close with this, here's our final take from Bryant's March signing, as we wrote on March 10:

Final Take: If we were Mike Brown, besides selling the team to a really rich, win-at-all costs owner, we would probably have gone with T.O. It would have been cheaper and we would have only had to sign him to a one or two year deal.

Coming tomorrow: TNT NBA sideline reporter Craig Sager doesn't just wear ridiculous outfits on the basketball court, he wears them on the golf course.

Cincinnati Bengals Fans Will Be Among First to Answer this Question: Can You Kill Someone With New Xbox Kinect?

2010-07-20T15:31:00.012-04:00

If you're a normal human being, chances are, you don't follow the video game industry.

On the lowly scale of "people who are huge losers and probably have no friends": there are stamp collectors, male Twilight fans, bloggers (like us) and at the very bottom, there are video game bloggers.

If you know a video game blogger, they're probably not your friend, mainly because there day goes like this: six hours of Playstation 3, eight hours of Xbox, six hours of Wii, three hours and 52 minutes of sleep, eight minutes for eating and going to the bathroom. There's just not a lot of time in there for friends.

Anyway, the point here is that the Nintendo Wii outsells every other system. However, Microsoft is going to try and beat them this fall with something called the Kinect.

We don't want to call the people at Microsoft liars, but here's what they claim the Kinect can do:

1. They claim it can have sex with you.

2. They claim you won't have to go to church anymore because you'll just

be able to worship the system.

3. They claim it can launch surface-to-air-missiles at select Middle Eastern countries.

4. They say it can be played without a controller.

Three of the above claims are lies. To us, number three seems the most believable.

Since we don't know what to believe, lets let an actual video game blogger describe the system:

Microsoft’s big reveal at this year’s E3 was the Xbox 360 Kinect. It is a new peripheral for the 360 that allows players to interact with the console using their body as the controller. The Kinect is essentially a camera mounted on or near your T.V. and is able to detect the movement of the human body. Microsoft boasts that this control method will be the most intuitive way to take control of your games.

So what's the point of this whole post?

Before Kinect comes out in November, Microsoft has decided to force it on the country (like Ben Roethlisberger forcing himself on any underage girl at a bar) by taking the Kinect on a tour of a select few American cities.

August 4-8, the "Kinect the Country" tour will be in Canton for the Hall-of-Fame induction celebrations and the Bengals-Cowboys game.

So if you're a Bengals fan heading to Canton and you get to play the Kinect; please let us know which Middle Eastern Countries you bombed and what sexual position it likes best.

Did the Super Bowl XLIV Game Program Make a Big Mistake or is the Saints Roman Harper a Master of Disguise: You Decide

2010-07-19T20:01:00.011-04:00

We don't know who picks out the player photos for the NFL's Super Bowl program, but chances are that person was fired on February 8.

Earlier today, an astute reader sent us New Orleans safety Roman Harper's Super Bowl program picture (Top of page). The only problem, that's not Roman Harper in the picture. It's actually New Orleans second-year wide receiver Rod Harper. (The real Roman Harper is pictured at right, click on Rod Harper's name to see his picture).

Because of this egregious error, INSIC went ahead and put together of a list of mistakes that are OK to make and mistakes that are not OK to make.

Mistakes that are not OK:

1. Getting a stripper pregnant at your bachelor party.

2. Selling low grade cocaine to an undercover cop... at church

3. Putting the wrong picture of Roman Harper in a Super Bowl program.

Mistakes that are OK:

1. Accidentally getting a stripper pregnant during a threesome that consists of you, the stripper and a girl that looks like Megan Fox and might actually be Megan Fox but you can't tell because you are to drunk.

2. Sleeping in a maple syrup filled bath tub after a night of heavy drinking. And then waking up in the morning and beating the shit out of all your friends because they filled a bath tub with maple syrup.

3. Running over your girlfriends cat.

By the way, we don't think anyone ever told Roman about the mistake because he didn't tweet about it back in February.

What Happens to Ochocinco in Vegas Apparently Doesn't Stay in Vegas

2010-07-15T17:54:00.009-04:00

The last time someone from INSIC showed up at a casino in their underwear, three cops were called, four people spent the night in jail and a cat somehow ended up inside of a half empty bottle of tequila.

Of course, if you're The Ocho, you can do whatever you want in your underwear and not worry about consequences.

Chad was up early gambling this morning. He tweeted this photo to America around 9 a.m. Las Vegas time.

For our five Mexican readers out there, we had this next photo saved in case Mexico won the World Cup, but since they didn't, we might as well run it now.

Steelers fans are probably asking themselves: What's more annoying, Ochocinco or a vuvuzela?

Urine Trouble: Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger May or May Not Have Peed in Public Last Week

2010-07-13T15:57:00.014-04:00

Just when you thought that Ben Roethlisberger only pulled out his penis in women's restrooms and Nevada hotel rooms, out comes a story today that Big Ben pulled out little Ben last Friday when he needed to relieve himself while playing a round of golf at Muirfield Country Club in Columbus. According to an eyewitness, the only thing that was sexually assaulted was a tree near the 17th green.

Here are the facts of the case:

1. On July 9, Roethlisberger and three buddies played golf at Muirfield. Muirfield is a course owned by Jack Nicklaus and its a course that annually hosts the Memorial.

2. A lady who lives along the course saw someone in the group take a pee between the 17th and 18th holes. So you're probably asking yourself one thing, "Why the hell couldn't he hold it for one more hole and then piss in the clubhouse. Crack babies and 90-year-old men pee whenever and wherever they want too, NFL quarterbacks do not." We were wondering the same thing.

3. When the witness described the anonymous pisser to police, the description fit Roethlisberger, however, the guys that played golf with Big Ben that day claim someone in their group peed on the course, but it wasn't Roethlisberger.

TMZ has more on the story, including the one page report filed with the Dublin Police Department.

Our take: Anyone with a penis between their legs has peed in public at least once

in their lives, but most people don't do it while their behavior is being strictly monitored by the NFL. Plus (and this is just an INSIC theory), when guys are peeing on golf courses, 99 percent of the time its because alcohol was involved. If that's that case here, Roethlisberger is probably going to have a tough time explaining to the commissioner why he's drinking in public (although he's allowed to drink) and why he's hanging out with people who pee in public (if it in fact was not him who peed). The INSIC lame pun machine says Roethlisberger just 'pissed' away his shot at getting his 6-game suspension reduced.

Oh and as an added bonus, it looks like Big Ben may have gotten laid the night before 'Pee-gate,' and it looks like he didn't even have to sexually assault the girl. How do we know? An Ohio State co-ed named Gretchen Cottam tweeted that she knew what room and what hotel Ben was in on Thursday night. Does that mean they had sex? No. But if they did, it looks like Ben's standards are very slowly going up (his 'hookup' is in red in the picture above).

Cincinnati Bengals Get Shout Out on Entourage

2010-07-12T01:07:00.013-04:00

97.3 percent of the time, the Bengals get no respect. Sunday night on HBO, their 2.7 percent of national respect finally came, thanks to Dallas owner Jerry Jones.

The Cowboys owner guest starred on the July 11 episode of Entourage and instead of making fun of his NFC East opponents, he sat back and watched as Ari Gold's assistant Lizzy made fun of the NFL's most pathetic franchise, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

If you don't waste your money on HBO (no one smart does), then you might be saying: INSIC, please set up the episode for us.

Well, all right, here we go.

In the Vincent Chase world of Entourage, Ari is trying to earn the TV rights for the NFL. He has to convince a few important owners (like Jones) before he can make this happen.

Anyway, let's stop prefacing, just watch this video: Jones smiles as Ari Gold's assistant makes fun of fictional Steelers employee Lee Gordon -- the Ben Roethlisberger loving, sexual assaualt approving, Pittsburgh executive in the room -- it was a sight to behold.

Entourage is our new favorite show.