Bengals Throw $7 Million into Toilet: Officially Release WR Antonio Bryant

In the past two years, in the 'good experiments gone bad' category, Heidi Montag's 13 plastic surgeries were in a class of their own. Now she has some company.

Just after 1 p.m. today the Bengals cut ties with Antonio "I signed in March, never played a down and will still collect $6.95 million" Bryant. If you have trouble understanding things in quotations marks, let us say this again: Antonio Bryant will collect almost $7 million even though he played exactly ZERO regular season games with the team.

Bryant passed a physical before he signed his contract in March, but due to reoccurring knee injury, he was never able to play. What does this mean? It means Dr. Jack Kevorkian has a better track record than the Bengals doctors.

Because we love making lists, here is a list of five things Bengals owner Mike Brown could have spent the $7 million on:

1. Thirteen more plastic surgeries for Heidi Montag.

2. An indoor practice facility (This is reportedly the big hangup in the Marvin Lewis contract negotiations).

3. Seven million Wendy's five piece chicken nuggets which would be 35 million nuggets total which would be enough for every starving child in Somalia (5 million) to have seven nuggets apiece.

4. A line of cocaine on the armrest of every seat in Paul Brown stadium for one game. Or if Mike Brown likes the idea of making money more (which he does), he could have built a meth lab the size of Paul Brown Stadium that could have probably pushed out more drugs than the states of Alabama and Kentucky combined.

5. A Taco Bell franchise.

And to think, just two days ago, Enquirer Bengals beat writer Joe Reedy put together this endearing piece on Bryant.

Bengals Wide Receiver Roulette is Over: Antonio Bryant Somersaults into Cincinnati

E-mail from an avid reader:

Dear INSIC: The Reds are gay, high school basketball is gay, can you please only talk about the Bengals and if you're going to write something that's not about the Bengals can you at least mention the Bengals?

INSIC: Uh, yes?

When INSIC wants breaking Cincinnati Bengals news, there's only one website we go too: JOCKlife.com.

Forty-five minutes ago, the best non-porn site on the internet (that being JOCKlife.com) reported that the Bengals have agreed to a 4-year/$28-million dollar deal with former Cowboy, Browns, 49ers and Bucs wide receiver Antonio Bryant (Yes, he has played for four teams).

(Editor's Note: Despite what we wrote above, INSIC's favorite Bengals site is not JOCKlife.com. If you take one second to click on the link, you will clearly see that the site is run by an 11-year-old with a laptop and an internet connection. Now that does beg the question, how did an 11-year-old scoop Adam Schefter on this story? We're currently looking into that.)

Jesus, that was a long Editor's note. Anyway, we're going to give you our take on the Bryant signing by putting together a good news/bad news chart.

Good News: The Bengals needed a number two wide receiver, so they signed the what most people agree was the number one guy left on the free agent market.

Bad News: Last year the Bengals needed a number two wide receiver and they signed what most considered to be the best guy left on the free agent market. His name was Laveranues Coles. He no longer plays for the team. He had Danny Devito's height and a right tackle's catching ability. The Coles signing did not work out. Coles' contract was almost exactly the same as Bryant's: 4-years, $28-million.

Good News: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers thought so highly of Bryant that they franchise tagged him following a 1,248-yard, seven touchdown season in 2008.

Bad News: Bryant followed up his awesome 2008 with a Laveranues Coles like 2009: 39 catches, 600 yards, four touchdowns (Coles had 43, 514 and five). However, in Bryant's defense, here is a list of people that played quarterback for the Bucs last season: Byron Leftwich, Josh Johnson, Josh Freeman (Notice the guy on the right isn't even smiling in the picture, he is not happy that Tampa drafted Freeman). Also, Bryant battled knee injuries (which you kind of think would be a reason NOT to sign a guy.)

Good News: He is very familiar with the end zone at Paul Brown Stadium. He scored two touchdowns against the Bengals while playing with the Browns in the 'I still can't believe it happened' 58-48 Bengals win in 2004.

Bad News: He was only playing for Cleveland because Cowboys coach Bill Parcells hated him and decided to trade him to Cleveland in 2004 after a well documented spat.

Good News: Bryant has two career 1,000 yard receiving seasons (1,009 in 2005 and 1,248 in 2008).

Bad News: Bryant only has two career 1,000 yard receiving years in nine career seasons. As a matter of fact, take out the two 1,000 yard seasons and in the other seven seasons, he's never gone over 815 yards.

Good News: He will fit right in with Rey Maualuga and Leon Hall.

Bad News: He will only fit in because he will be a part of their super secret, but probably awesome, DUI club. Actually, Bryant doesn't have a DUI, he got it downgraded to reckless driving, but he did fail a drug test in 2006 which resulted in a four game suspension by the No Fun League (Seriously, what kind of employer doesn't let you smoke pot?)

Final Take: If we were Mike Brown, besides selling the team to a really rich, win-at-all costs owner, we would probably have gone with T.O. It would have been cheaper and we would have only had to sign him to a one or two year deal.

However, if 2008 Antonio Bryant shows up next season, then the Bengals have fixed the one gaping whole on the team (Wait, you say we don't have a tight end. Not true, our boy Joe Reedy at the Enquirer says we just re-upped with Daniel Coats. We dare you to name a better tight end than Coats. OK, they're all better than Coats.)

Grade: B+

Oh and on a side note, there is no way we would have let ANQUAN BOLDIN go to a DIVISION RIVAL. Jesus F. Peter Griffin, how did they let that happen? The Ravens are going to be trouble next season.

Oh and on a side note to the first side note, unless the Bengals sign T.O in the next four hours, look for Bryant to wear Ocho Uno (81).

Bengals Notes:

Bengals re-up with Coats

Bengals and guard Bobby Williams are close to an agreement