John Breech Investigative Report Reveals that Roller Skating Rinks Still Exist (Video at Bottom)

Roller Skating Rinks: You've probably been to one before, but that was probably back in 1994 when they still existed.

Many people have fond memories of these Palatial Palaces. For some, memories include receiving their first kiss, holding their first hand or smoking their first joint with their substitute gym teacher.

About a week ago, I received an e-mail from a reader in Canada (apparently I'm huge in Canada) who wanted to know if roller rinks still existed.

My first thought was 'wow, what a great question.' It really wasn't a great question, but it was a lot more uplifting than the only other e-mail question I received which was from a dying kid in Africa who wanted to know if malaria still existed. I e-mailed him the symptoms, he e-mailed me back a living will and a frowny face and then we never talked again, I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Anyway, I felt the need to appease my huge Canadian fan base, so I decided to answer the roller skating question.

To find out more about roller rinks, I called my buddy Brad. Brad is a renowned roller skating expert. He did his college thesis on how blue slushies sales helped the skating rink industry thrive in the 90's.

He found that as people began to drink more red slushies and less blue slushies, rinks began to close. By 1999, blue slushie sales had hit rock bottom, causing 100 percent of the rinks in the country to close.

Brad had a lot of information, but unfortunately, he didn't know where I could find an open rink.

Next I put in a call out to my buddy Chris Hansen. Hansen, of Dateline NBC fame, is known for two things: making child molesters say 'damn, I'm screwed,' and getting incredibly drunk. After talking with Hansen for 48 minutes, I found out that 1 out of every 2 child molesters probably lives in Cleveland and absolutely nothing about roller skating rinks.

I finally hung up on him just as he was belligerently babbling something about a goat, a stripper and Tom Brokaw's last birthday party.

After two hours of effort and two wasted phone calls, I was about to give up. That was until Brad called back saying, 'hey I think we have a place, but you have to dress like one of the guys from Milli Vanilli and we have to blindfold you to get you there.'

I was skeptical at first, mainly because I hadn't been blindfolded since my sophomore year of college when a game of KY Jelly Twister got really out of hand.

Anyway, a 17-hour car ride and 3-day Hot Air balloon excursion later, we were in the parking lot of something that looked like a terrorist prison. However, there was no torturing going on inside, unless of course you consider waterboarding someone in a barrel full of grape kool-aid torture.

As an added bonus, I was able to make a short video while I was inside.

The video in and of itself isn't that funny, but it's not suppose to be. It's only purpose is to prove to people in Canada that roller skating rinks are awesome and that they still exist.

Oh and Just so you know, I have not seen a video this sloppy since Lindsay Lohan's first DUI was caught on a police cam. Please watch at your own discretion and keep in mind three things: The commentary is so bad, you're going to think Joe Buck did it, I don't know the words to Michael Jackson's 'Black or White' and there is a man in a gorilla suit... Only at the roller rink people, only at the roller rink.

Phoenix Suns Superstar Amare Stoudemire Gets Shot Down at Buckhead Hotel

A Special Report on Racism By John Breech

Note: John won a Pulitzer with his last special report: Why You Shouldn't Punch Your Girlfriend in Front of a Cop

Just when it looked like racism was over forever, two ugly stories rear their heads this week, one of them an Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati exclusive.

First up, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported yesterday that four black men are suing the Waffle House for discriminatory practices. Its alleged that the men went into the well-known waffle establishment around 2:30 a.m. in October and were basically refused service.

According to the men, they were told they would have to wait 30 to 40 minutes to have their order taken. While they were waiting the 30 to 40 minutes to have their order taken, several people who aren't black and who most would call white, walked into the restaurant and promptly placed an order.

The waitress, who probably didn't vote for Obama, kicked the four men out after one of them made a smart ass comment when she tried to take their order. The man said something to the effect of 'it hasn't quite been 40 minutes, we can keep waiting,' the waitress, for whatever reason was offended by this and tossed the men out of the restaurant.

Two white patrons at the restaurant were allegedly so offended by what happened that they went outside and apologized to the black men.

The kicker of the whole incident is that when police arrived, instead of aiding the men, one of them simply said, "Next time, go to IHOP."

First of all F*ck face, if I want waffles, I'm going to a waffle place not IHOP, second of all, there's only three IHOP's in all of the greater Cincinnati area.

Leave it to the West Chester Twp. police to make a lame-ass IHOP joke.

Anyway, here's my take: I've been into a Waffle House at 2:30 a.m. and let me say this, it is borderline impossible to get kicked out of there. Unless you're committing third degree murder or doing an eight ball of coke off of your girlfriends exposed breast, you're not going to be asked to leave.

Verdict: I hope they win $10 Bajillion dollars and free waffles for life.

INSIC EXCLUSIVE

Next up is the case of Amare Stoudemire, the nicest guy in the NBA. As everyone probably knows already, with the exception of JJ Redick and Adam Morrison, everyone in the NBA is either black or european.

This brings us to the black Mr. Stoudemire who was recently in Atlanta doing what rich 26-year-olds do: wasting as much money as possible and having fun.

On a certain Monday, Stoudemire and his entourage rolled into the posh W hotel in Buckhead. Stoudemire's crew, which was rolling about 20 people deep, was two things: hungry and mostly black.

After the powers that be at the W consulted, they decided that they didn't have enough staff on duty to take a party of 20. Stoudemire and company would probably have spent upwards of $3,000.

After Stoudemire was told that the restaurant was understaffed, he politely left without raising a ruckus.

My take on the situation: I worked in the restaurant industry for seven years, I don't care if the only two people on duty are a quadriplegic cook and a dead squirrel, no manager worth anything would turn down $3,000 worth of business.

Whoever was running the W that night absolutely crapped their pants when they saw 8 escalades and 19 black guys roll up. It's too bad Stoudemire didn't make a stink of this whole thing because if there is one place in Atlanta that thinks there sh!t doesn't stink, it's the W.

Oh and the kicker in the Stoudemire situation is that no one at the W knew it was millionaire basketball player Amare Stoudemire. You can bet that if they had known, they would have seated the man faster then you can say "emancipation proclamation."