Reds Opening Day 2012: A Photographic Essay without the Essay

The front page of the Cincinnati Enquirer
is exactly what you'd expect it to be on
Opening Day: a kid talking to a statue.

No one from INSIC is at Great American Ballpark for Opening Day today, but it seems like  everyone on Twitter is. What does that mean? It means we're going to steal the best pictures from Twitter and post them here.

If you thought you were up early drinking this morning, you have nothing on
the Reds mascots who have been at the bar since 6 a.m. (via @Reds)

If you're ever in Des Moines, Iowa on Opening Day,
remember to score your free coney (via @poynorch)

Lance McAlister's son is posing with a drunk, possibly drug-laced, Reds
version of Zorro (via@LanceMcAlister)

This is either the most dedicated Reds fan ever or
the scariest... or both. (via @justinhiteart)

This is INSIC's company car (via some girl on Facebook who doesn't want credit)

For some reason, Aaron Boone is still popular in Cincinnati
(photo via Aaron Boone's stalker)

If your day didn't start with Reds branded Belgian waffles,
then you're not doing Opening Day right. 

This is the only way to travel on Opening Day (via @JimDayTV)

Opening Day can start, one of the Lachey's is at GABP
(via @VanessaLachey)

A view from the cheap seats, although at Opening Day none
of the seats are exactly cheap (via @ChipMahaney)

Reds Opening Day 2011: Sorry Jacksonville, Milwaukee is Now the Jorts Capital of the U.S.

If the song YMCA is played at today's game, there's a 96 percent chance these
guys will be leading the choreography. 

Alright Reds fans who can't be at the game today, you're in luck. INSIC is stalking Twitter to bring you the best images from Opening Day.

If you missed the beginning of the game, Edinson Volquez is in playoff form. He gave up back-to-back home runs in the top of the first.

If Volquez's failures brought you to tears, hopefully the picture at the top of the page will make you thrilled that you weren't alive in the 70's and/or don't live in Milwaukee. Both are good things.

Oh and on a non 'Edinson Volquez is horrible' related note, we have an Opening Day tidbit to pass along: an INSIC source has learned that Pete Rose was not banned from baseball because of gambling, he was banned because he has worse taste in clothing than Craig Sager. We think Rose stole the coat below from Kramer who took it from the set of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Gambling didn't get Pete Rose banned from baseball, his
horrible taste in clothing did.

*Update* Several women have emailed us saying they want to see some 'leg' from these Brewers fans. Well ladies, you're in luck, someone at the game is sitting behind them and he got lots of leg in this picture.

INSIC is a family blog and this picture is more graphic than some soft core
pornos, but we're going to run it anyway. 

*Update* Volquez is getting lit up like a porn star in Charlie Sheen's guest house. The Reds trail 5-2 in the fifth inning after a homer by Milwaukee's Ryan Braun. But worry not Reds fans, the force is strong within this team.

"Win, the Reds must," -Yoda

*Update* The first order of business in tomorrow's Cincinnati city council meeting needs to be getting a 24-kt gold Ramon Hernandez statue built. The dude just went 4-for-5 including a walk-off 3-run home run to give the Reds a 7-6 Opening Day win over Milwaukee.

INSIC thinks the Reds need to go 162-0 and win all of their games on walk-off
home runs. 

Reds Will Be Honoring Their Biggest Fan on Opening Day: Charlie Sheen Will Throw Out First Pitch, Base Paths Will be Lined with Cocaine

Charlie Sheen posing with 90's coke partners: 90210's Dylan and Brandon.

Cincinnati Reds Press Release: Opening Day 2011

The Cincinnati Reds would like to announce that for Opening Day 2011, they will be honoring their biggest fan: Charlie Sheen.

"The Cincinnati Reds theme for the 2011 season is 'winning," Reds General Manager Walt Jocketty says. "Over the past six days, Charlie Sheen has made it pretty clear that he's only about 'winning, so we felt honoring him was a pretty logical move for the Cincinnati Reds. Not to mention, Charlie's from Dayton and he's been a huge Reds fan his whole life."

Sheen didn't take the no-hit playoff loss to the Phillies lightly he did
14 lines of coke and had one of the Goddesses give him a blumpkin. 

Jocketty says the team approached Sheen last Monday about throwing out the ceremonial first pitch and Sheen gladly accepted, but with one caveat: he wanted Great American Ball Park to serve tiger's blood instead of beer on Opening Day.

"Look, no one's denying that Charlie has tiger's blood in his veins and no one's denying that tiger's blood is a tasty substitute for beer, but the fact of the matter is that tiger's are an endangered species. The Reds organization didn't feel like we could get the amount of tiger's blood we would need to serve 45,000 thirsty fans, so we compromised with Charlie." Jocketty says.

Krivsky says that instead of tiger's blood, the team will line the base paths with cocaine. Major League Baseball approved the cocaine base paths, but only for Opening Day.

According to the Reds, it will take 900 pounds of cocaine
to line the base paths for Opening Day.

"The cocaine thing almost didn't happen," Krivsky points out. "Charlie wanted pure Colombian-grade stuff, which the Reds haven't had access to since the 1980's, so Charlie put me in touch with Colombian President Alvaro Uribe."

The two sides then hashed out a deal: the Reds would give the Colombian President two opening day Diamond Seats for every 90 pounds of cocaine the Colombian President gave them. It took 900 pounds of coke, so the Reds were forced to give up 20 Diamond Seats.

"I'm very well-aware that 90 pounds of coke is worth more than two baseball tickets," President Uribe says. "However, after the death of Pablo Escobar in 1993, our drug-based economy fell on hard times and since 1995 Charlie has somehow managed to single-handedly keep the Colombian drug market alive. So I consider this a favor to Charlie."

When asked about how good Colombian grade cocaine is, Sheen gave it a ringing endorsement, "If you try it once, you will die," Sheen said of the coke. "Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

Asked if he would throw a strike with the ceremonial first pitch, Sheen answered in typical Sheen fashion, "My success rate is 100 percent, do the math."

First pitch for the Reds will be on March 31 when they play the Milwaukee Brewers.

(The Charlie Sheen quotes are actual quotes that we've completely taken  out of context, but not really because you can't actually take Charlie Sheen out of context)