RIP Dallas Latos' Twitter Page

Dallas Latos quit Twitter Saturday, but she left us these pictures.

Four days ago, Dallas Latos was inventing Reds drinking games with her Twitter followers, but it looks like she won't be doing that anymore because Dallas doesn't have any Twitter followers: she closed her account.

Latos closed her Twitter account Saturday, presumably sometime around the third inning of the Reds road game against the Astros. That's when Dallas' husband Mat was on the Rodney King end of a 7-run Astros beating. The male Latos was pulled from his start against Houston after only 3.1 innings, he surrendered seven hits and seven runs (four earned) in a game the Reds won 12-9.

Josh Campbell is not a big Dallas Latos fan. If you're not a
fan of Josh Campbell, you can let him know on Twitter.

The problem for Dallas this season has been that when Mat sucks on the mound, Reds fans usually head to Twitter and take it out on her. And then instead of ignoring stuff, Dallas gets defensive.

For example, back on April 18, Mat started against the Cardinals and things didn't go to well. Latos gave up eight earned runs in 5.2 innings of work and the Reds lost 11-1. The division favorite Reds dropped to 4-8 on the season and Mat Latos instantly became the least popular person in Cincinnati.

This guy decided to give Dallas Latos sex advice.

Fans took to Twitter that night and it wasn't pretty. One fan called Mat Latos a bum, another fan told Dallas to not give Mat a blow job that night. Things got so bad, Dallas threatened to close her Twitter account, although she didn't.

Dallas threatened to quit Twitter on April 18.

So it appears that instead of dealing with another round of Mat-bashing Saturday, Dallas decided it would probably just be easier to close up shop.

Dallas doesn't exactly shy away from
attention.

Now Dallas does look like the innocent victim here, but that's not completely the case. She seems to enjoy the attention, because if she didn't, why else would she start her own blog on MLB.com and do national interviews with outlets like CBS Sports.

Dallas is naive if she thought she could get on a public forum like Twitter and assume that everyone was going to be nice to her. Before closing her account Saturday, Latos had several thousand followers on Twitter and had branded herself as a smart, funny follow. In the baseball world, she was known as Mat Latos' wife, but on Twitter, Mat was Dallas Latos' husband.

If Dallas gets back on Twitter, she'll need to do a better job of ignoring Mat's critics. Once the anti-Mat fans realized how thin-skinned Dallas was, they went after her and they went after her hard. And then they sat back and enjoyed her going on the defensive.

Our advice: come back to Twitter Dallas. We actually liked you. Stop Google/Twitter searching your and Mat's names every 30 seconds because when you do that, you're not going to like what you see and you're going to get mad. Instead, keep being funny. Keep tweeting about how the TSA stole your underwear. Keep making up Reds drinking games. Block people if you don't like them. And please keep in mind that five or six times a year, Mat is going to suck on the mound and when he does, people are going to say crappy things. And when they do, you don't have to defend him, you can simply log off Twitter and come read our blog because that's what people do when they're really bored.

Dallas needs to stay relevant so we can
keep posting pictures of her. 

***6/6/12 Update: After scaring us into believing that she would never be on Twitter again, Dallas Latos has returned, exactly 83 hours and 59 minutes after she left. Here's a link to her Twitter account, here's her explanation for leaving***

Aroldis Chapman Hotel Room Robbery Update: Chapman's "Girlfriend" is a Married Stripper

This is what a married Colombian stripper looks like. 

On Wednesday we wrote about a robbery involving Aroldis Chapman's "girlfriend" -- and keep in mind, we're using the term girlfriend as loosely as possible here, actually we're only using it because that's what Pittsburgh media called her in their initial reports. The truth is, depending on you believe, she may be an escort, a stripper or both.

Anyway, according to police reports, Chapman's "girlfriend," Claudia Manrique, was tied up and robbed in a Pittsburgh area hotel Tuesday night. That's the only known fact so far, everything after that is kind of dicey.

Following the robbery, Manrique was interviewed for over 10 hours by Pittsburgh area police. Generally, authorities don't talk to people for over 10 hours unless they think there's something fishy going on. And as you're about to see, this thing is fishier than the plot of Free Willy 3.

After interviewing Manrique, the PPD came to the conclusion that Chapman probably wasn't the target in the robbery and that the target was in fact, Manrique.

During her 10-hour interview, Manrique, who works as a stripper in Baltimore, told authorities that someone posing as a hotel maintenance worker came into her room and then tied her up and robbed her. Well, police aren't exactly buying that according to KDKA in Pittsburgh.

Chapman had a rough month of May, he was
arrested in Ohio two weeks ago. 

Authorities now believe that Manrique knew the suspect and that the suspect was there to collect a debt from Manrique. Which would explain why the suspect only took $5,000 in valuables and didn't take the $200,000 in jewelry that was in Chapman's hotel room.

The suspect is believed to be associated with drug dealers in Baltimore. And of course, as everyone knows, Baltimore is known for three things: crabcakes, football and drug dealers.

Besides the fact that Manrique may have known the suspect, there's also this: Manrique was accused of stealing money from a man in December. Manrique allegedly stole $2,000 from Shahryar Kamouei during a December trip to Las Vegas. Kamouei pressed charges and that case is now pending in Maryland state court.

Wait, that's not all.

When Manrique was released after police questioning Wednesday, she was picked up at the Zone 2 Precinct by her husband, who she may or may not be separated from.

But don't worry, there's an explanation for her having a husband. Manrique, who's originally from Colombia, allegedly told Kamouei that she only got married to get a green card. And let's be honest here: who hasn't done that?

Oh and if you're wondering how Chapman and Manrique met, Chapman says the pair met two months ago in Washington D.C.

OK, that's enough for now, we don't want to overwhelm you on a Friday.

Aroldis Chapman's Girlfriend Gets Robbed and Tied up in Pittsburgh Hotel Room

Aroldis Chapman's hotel room was robbed Tuesday,
however, the suspect did not get away with
Chapman's prized princess backpack.

Aroldis Chapman is having a bizarre month. And because we don't use the word bizarre lightly here at INSIC, here's what we mean: in the last two weeks, Chapman has A. been arrested B. had an $18 million lawsuit filed against him and C. had his hotel room robbed. That's all in two weeks. To put that in perspective, it takes 21.5 weeks for a baby dairy goat to go from conception to birth.

Anyway, lets get back to letter C., the 'hotel room robbed' thing. 

While Chapman was at PNC Park in Pittsburgh Tuesday night -- the Reds were in the middle of an 8-1 win over the Pirates -- a man knocked on Chapman's hotel room door. Of course, Chapman wasn't there, because again, he was at PNC Park. 

According to reports, Chapman's 26-year-old girlfriend answered the door and let the man in. Now why did she let a stranger in you ask? The man claimed to be a maintenance person who was there to fix a broken toilet. 

After entering the room, the fake maintenance man demanded items from Chapman's girlfriend. When she refused, the man tied her up with dinner napkins and proceeded to steal anything he could get his filthy paws on, including: a computer, clothing, some jewelry and a credit card.  

Chapman's girlfriend was eventually freed when fellow hotel guests heard her crying for help.

Pittsburgh police are currently investigating the situation, but if they're as bad at their jobs as the Pirates are, the investigation could take years. 

On a somewhat positive note, Chapman has seemingly been unfazed by the robbery, his arrest and the pending lawsuit: the Cuban missile has given up exactly zero earned runs this season in 26 innings pitched.  

Reds 3B Todd Frazier Saves a Man's LIfe with Heimlich Maneuver: #ToddFrazierFacts Trends on Twitter

Todd Frazier hit a home run with no hands Sunday, which is a good thing
because he needed his hands Monday to perform the Heimlich on a man
that was choking to death. 

Reds third baseman Todd Frazier had the team's biggest save of the season Monday and it had nothing to do with baseball.

While at dinner in Pittsburgh with teammate Ryan Ludwick, Frazier noticed a man choking. And we're not talking LeBron James at the free throw line during the fourth quarter of a big game choking, we're talking a piece of food lodged in your throat choking. A giant piece of food.

Frazier, who hit a walk-off homer against the Atlanta Braves last week and who also hit a NO-HANDED homer against Colorado on Sunday, took his awesomeness to a new level when he saved the choking man's life. The rookie infielder used the Heimlich Maneuver to dislodge what was a apparently a dinosaur-sized piece of steak.

"I don't know what it was -- it was a monster piece," Frazier told the AP after Tuesday's win over Pittsburgh. "The lady he was with was crying, and it was like surreal. Never done it before in my life."

Frazier gave a few more details about the incident to MLB.com's Mark Sheldon: 

“I said ‘I think that dude is choking over there.’ He was a little obese and there were two women side-by-side trying to give him the Heimlich. [Ludwick] said get over there because I was the closest one. So I went over there and was yelling at them to get out of the way. They did and I gave two pumps and it came out.”

Todd Frazier Facts took over Twitter Tuesday. As did
LSD apparently. 

Frazier's lifesaving act of kindness didn't go unnoticed either. Hours after the story made its way onto the internet, #ToddFrazierFacts became a hashtag on Twitter and not just any hashtag, it trended nationally.

If you're not on Twitter and all of this hashtag talk is making you want to punch a stray cat, please take a minute and go punch a stray cat.

OK, welcome back.

Anyway, here are some of the best Todd Frazier facts from Twitter:

They tried to rename the Brent Spence bridge the Todd Frazier bridge.Couldn't.No one crosses Todd Frazier and lives. #ToddFrazierFacts
— Zach Gifford (@ZJiff30) May 30, 2012

@MoEgger1530 He broke the land speed record on a bike missing it's chain and the back tire. #ToddFrazierFacts
— Spencer Gingras (@Fiddy09) May 30, 2012

@moegger1530 Todd Frazier negotiated the Carson Palmer trade. #ToddFraizerFacts
—RC (@Flyers61) May 30, 2012

Reds Fan Catches Two Home Runs In a Row, then Gives Them Both Away

The Reds fireworks guy worked OT against the Braves on
Monday (photo via flickr)

Home run balls are a lot like sex-starved super model girlfriends: you're chances of getting one are around zero percent. Unless your Caleb Lloyd that is.

During the fourth inning of Monday's Reds-Braves game, Lloyd caught not one, but two home runs. Even more amazing, the home runs were back-to-back. Even more amazing than that, Lloyd gave both home run balls AWAY. Even more amazing than that, Lloyd spells his last name with TWO 'L's'!!

Anyway, back to Lloyd and the Reds.

Caleb Lloyd caught two home run balls,
but kept zero of them.
(Photo via Cincinnati Enquirer)

With two outs in the bottom of the fourth, pitcher Mike Leake jacked his first career home run off of Braves starter Mike Minor.

The ball literally landed right in Lloyd's hand. "I caught it and then it bounced off the palm of my hand and then I reached out and grabbed it," Lloyd told the Cincinnati Enquirer. "It hurt really bad, so I'm like, 'I'm not doing that again.'"

Hungover people say "I'm not doing that again" all the time, and they always do it again, and so did Lloyd. Three pitches after Leake's homer, Zack Cozart smashed a home run into the left field stands and guess who caught it: Lloyd.

"The second one bounced behind me and then bounced in my lap," Lloyd said. "My buddy's like, 'you caught a second one!' I was like 'oh my gosh, this is crazy.'"

Even crazier, the Reds got a third home run in a row -- that Lloyd didn't catch -- when Drew Stubbs jacked one out of the park. It was Stubbs' second homer of the day.

In the Reds 4-1 win over the Braves, all five runs came via solo homers.

The story's not over though. Instead of rubbing it in everyone's face that he caught two home run balls, Lloyd did something slightly nicer: he gave both of them away.

He gave Leake's homer back to Leake, "I gave it back because I know it's Leake's first ever home run. I just want to meet him and shake his hand."

As for Cozart's home run ball, Lloyd threw it at a stray dog outside Great American Ballpark. OK, that's a lie. He gave it to his friend. "I gave the Cozart one to my buddy, whose uncle actually got us the tickets. I gave him the ball because he was kind of one of the reasons I was here."

Click here for a video interview with Lloyd. Click here for a clip of the Reds' back-to-back-to-back home runs. Click here if you've always wanted to order a shake weight, but couldn't find the website.

Cincinnati Reds Outfielder Jay Bruce is the Oldest Person Alive

Jay Bruce is the youngest looking 225-year-old ever
(photo via @Emilyfaith87)

Forty-nine year old Jamie Moyer is no longer the oldest person in Major League baseball, that title now belongs to Reds outfielder Jay Bruce. In the top of the second inning Friday, the Yankees scoreboard operator let out the big secret: Bruce is actually 225-years-old.

Old, Jay Bruce is.

This means Bruce isn't only older than Moyer, he's also older than Charles Dickens, Mark Twain and every president from Millard Fillmore on.

Bruce has only been in the big leagues for five years, but if Yankee Stadium's scoreboard is to be believed, he was already 72 when the Reds played their first professional game in 1869. If Bruce's agent is any good, Bruce will be an adult diaper spokesman by the end of the weekend.

Anyway, Bruce's old age worked against him Friday. The 5-year veteran went 0-for-4 in the Reds 4-0 loss to the Yankees. Bruce struck out twice. However, in the fourth inning, Bruce proved that not all 225-year-old people are useless when he threw out Robinson Cano at second base as Cano tried to stretch a single into a double.

Bruce's age does answer a lot of questions though: the rumor about him demanding a contract extension that would add 118 years to his current deal now make a lot more sense.

Reds Opening Day 2012: A Photographic Essay without the Essay

The front page of the Cincinnati Enquirer
is exactly what you'd expect it to be on
Opening Day: a kid talking to a statue.

No one from INSIC is at Great American Ballpark for Opening Day today, but it seems like  everyone on Twitter is. What does that mean? It means we're going to steal the best pictures from Twitter and post them here.

If you thought you were up early drinking this morning, you have nothing on
the Reds mascots who have been at the bar since 6 a.m. (via @Reds)

If you're ever in Des Moines, Iowa on Opening Day,
remember to score your free coney (via @poynorch)

Lance McAlister's son is posing with a drunk, possibly drug-laced, Reds
version of Zorro (via@LanceMcAlister)

This is either the most dedicated Reds fan ever or
the scariest... or both. (via @justinhiteart)

This is INSIC's company car (via some girl on Facebook who doesn't want credit)

For some reason, Aaron Boone is still popular in Cincinnati
(photo via Aaron Boone's stalker)

If your day didn't start with Reds branded Belgian waffles,
then you're not doing Opening Day right. 

This is the only way to travel on Opening Day (via @JimDayTV)

Opening Day can start, one of the Lachey's is at GABP
(via @VanessaLachey)

A view from the cheap seats, although at Opening Day none
of the seats are exactly cheap (via @ChipMahaney)

Reds Give All of Their Money to Joey Votto: INSIC Obtains Exclusive Contract Details

Joey Votto is now the richest person in Cincinnati. 

USA Today reported Monday that the Reds and Joey Votto have come to terms on a 10-year contract extension worth $225 million.

Its the fourth biggest contract in MLB history and will make the Votto the richest man in Cincinnati not named Carl Linder. And since Carl Linder isn't actually alive, Votto is in fact, the richest man in Cincinnati and probably all of Ohio.

To put Votto's $225 million contract in perspective, consider this: the entire Cincinnati Reds franchise is only worth $424 million, according to Forbes.

INSIC exclusively obtained a copy of Votto's contract and here's what the slugger will also receive, besides the $225 million:

Votto will have final say
on all Cincinnati Bengal
challenge calls. 

- Free Skyline chili for life. According to our insider, Gold Star balked at the free chili clause and was only willing to offer 50 percent off.

- The contract also clearly states that Votto now owns Over the Rhine. OTR was recently valued at $112, which means Votto's contract is actually worth $225,000,112, contrary to media reports which said $225,000,000.

-  Votto will receive free 98 Degrees CDs, courtesy of Nick Lachey. Lachey will also sing "Happy Birthday" to Votto on all even birthdays for the rest of Votto's life.

- Oktoberfest will be renamed Vottoberfest.

- Votto will have final say on all Marvin Lewis challenge calls during regular season Bengals games. Early projections suggest that with Votto's help, Marvin Lewis' challenge success rate should increase from zero percent last season to 99.8 percent this season.

- Kroger will pay Votto $5 for every box of Vott 'O's cereal sold. Since the box of cereal only costs $3.99, Kroger will be losing $1.01 for every box they sell. Also, Kroger is giving Votto a Kroger plus card, which could save Votto anywhere from $500 to $1000 per year depending on his grocery shopping habits.

Thanks to Kroger, 120 percent of all Vott'O's
Cereal sales will go to Joey Votto. 

INSIC's Six Question/Five Answer 2012 Cincinnati Reds Preview that's Hotter than the Girl Below

If we've learned one thing here at INSIC, it's that hot girls equal hits.

Just like the Reds, INSIC took 2011 off. Sure we put up the occasional post, but they were all pathetic and the effort was abysmal, kind of like the Reds were down the stretch last year.

Well, we have good news: Opening Day in Cincinnati is exactly one week away and INSIC is going to celebrate by returning from the dead (AKA we're going to post more than once a month).

We're also going to celebrate by filling a bathtub up with a 50-50 mixture of whiskey, orange Fanta and Joey Votto's sweat. What we're going to do with that mixture, we haven't decided yet.

Anyway, that's enough gibberish, lets get to our seven question/six answer 2012 Cincinnati Reds preview. And yes, we promise at least one picture of Dallas Latos in this post, actually, she's hot, so let's do two.

1. The Reds pissed me off last year. Will they piss me off this year? 


Last season everyone who pretends to know anything about baseball jumped on the Reds bandwagon. The over/under on Reds 2011 wins in Las Vegas was 87.

ESPN.com employs 45 people who write about baseball -- which is 46 more than we employ -- 27 out of 45 of those writers predicted the Reds would win the Central.

What nobody took into account was this: pro team's in Cincinnati are not allowed to have two consecutive successful season's in a row. Like Megan's Law, the law of averages and Law and Order, it's a law. This law has been in effect since 1991. Basically, what we're saying is this: no Reds fan familiar with this law should have been pissed about last season.

As for this year, the Reds upgraded, which means they have to be almost the automatic favorite in the Central. And that's mainly because Albert Pujols is in California, Prince Fielder is in Michigan and Tony LaRussa is out somewhere rescuing stray animals.



2. Who was a bigger free agent pickup for the Reds: Mat Latos or Dallas Latos?

With the Latos trade, all of Cincinnati wins.

The answer right now is Dallas. If Mat wins World Series MVP, then we'll switch to him. Either way, this is the most entertaining couple to hit Cincinnati since Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson were dating.

With Mat, the Reds got a steal. Sure they gave up two first round draft picks (Yonder Alonso & Yasmani Grandal), but if baseball history has taught us one thing, it's this: no one with a first name that starts with the letter "Y" has ever been any good at baseball. Ever. Its like a hot girl named Mildred, they don't exist.

The Reds also lost Edinson Volquez in the Latos deal, but losing probably isn't the right word. The Reds gave him away. Volquez has done the equivalent of nothing since 2008. Blame his elbow surgery, blame his mom for not breast feeding him, blame whatever you want, but getting rid of Volquez was the right move.

As for Dallas, she's hot, funny and entertaining. You should follow her on Twitter, but please, do not follow her in real life, because that would be creepy. Anyway, she has a blog (its like our blog, except for feminine and a lot better), she has giveaways and she tweets pictures, you can't really ask for more in a player's wife. Well, you can, but not much more.



3. Will Ryan Madson's injury hurt the team? Who will be the closer?

Former Phillies closer Ryan Madson signed with the Reds on Jan. 10. Two and a half months later, a ligament in his elbow went "Ki-Jana Carter ACL" on him and now Madson's out for the season, before the season has even started.

So who will be the Reds closer this season: according to the Associated Press, Dusty Baker is leaning toward a closer by committee approach.

Dusty Baker has never made a good pitching decision in his coaching career, so there's a 100 percent chance this strategy will backfire. Best case scenario for the Reds here is that they win all their games by four or more runs and never need a closer.



4. Is there a "Keep Joey Votto Fund" that Reds fans can donate too?

In case you missed it, Detroit signed Prince Fielder to a 9-year, $214 million contract this offseason. Basically what this means is that when Joey Votto hits the free agent market after the 2013 season, the bidding might reach $2 billion (we're exaggerating, but only slightly).

If you're a Reds fan, we have two suggestions: 1. make sure to really appreciate Votto this season and next because they could be his last two years here. 2. If you win the Mega Millions, plan to spend half of your $540 million jackpot on Votto.



5. If I have season tickets to the Reds, how much weight will I gain this season?


A lot. The Shit my Dad says guy pretty much summed up Cincinnati with this quote, "I'm in Cincinnati at a Waffle House that's across from two Waffle Houses. Everyone's fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of diabetes."

Apparently, Cincinnati is the Hall of Fame of diabetes.

As if Funnel Fries weren't enough, Great American Ballpark is adding some new items to the menu this season that could make diabetic comas an hourly occurence. Among the added items: fried Kool-Aid. If you're goal in life is to reenact the Super Size Me movie, forget McDonald's, eat all your meals at Great American Ballpark.



6. INSIC has been pretty dead on with Reds and Bengals predictions: what's your prediction for the 2012 Reds?

We're going to make our Reds prediction by quickly breaking down their schedule.

First, its a given that the Astros are going to go 0-162 this season. The Astros suck. The Reds play them 15 times, so that's 15 wins.

Another given is that no matter how well the Cubs play this season, they're going to completely collapse after the All-Star break. The Reds play the Cubs 10 times after the break, so that's 10 more wins.

So to get to 90 wins, all the Reds would have to do is go 65-72 in their 137 other games.

Since the N.L. Central was formed before the 1995 season, it's taken an average of 92.8 games to win the division. We don't think the Reds will get there, but we do think they'll win the division with a record of 88-74.

You can never have too many pictures of Dallas Latos. 

Out at Second! Mike Leake Caught Stealing (From Downtown Cincinnati Macy's)

"Who's going to be at the ballpark tonight?" Probably not Mike Leake because he's in jail. 

We understand that you might not believe the next sentence you read, but we're going to write it anyway.

Did Pac Man Jones frame Mike Leake?
INSIC asks the tough questions. 

A Cincinnati pro sports player was arrested today for doing something criminal and it WASN'T a Bengal. Seriously, it wasn't a Bengal. It was Reds pitcher Mike Leake (and no it wasn't Pac-Man Jones trying to frame Leake by wearing a Mike Leake jersey. Jesus, that wouldn't even work, they're not even the same color.)

Anyway, here's the arrest report.  

Apparently Leake decided to pull a Winona Ryder when he tried to walk out of Macy's with some clothing that he didn't exactly pay for.  The second year pitcher grabbed six American Rag t-shirts off the rack (street value: $59.88), tore off the security tags and then proceeded to walk out of the store. In most states, including Ohio, this is known as stealing.

Since stealing is illegal, police were forced to arrest Leake. At 2:32 p.m. today, the pitcher was booked into the Hamilton County Justice Center. At 3:20 p.m., he was already tweeting about the incident, he wants to know who will be at the ballpark tonight. Lets all agree that there's a 95 percent chance Leake won't be.

Mike Leake's mugshot.

Somewhere, Peter Warrick is smiling (if Peter Warrick references aren't your thing, lets just say he used to play for the Bengals and he too once stole from Macy's).

Also, Macy's hasn't announced it, but if the wheels are turning in the PR Department, the store will be handing out $59.88 gift cards to the first 1,000 fans at tonights game.

Oh and in case you're wondering, Leake's salary this year is $425,000. Meaning he could have bought the six shirts, then bought six prostitutes to put the shirts on, then bought each prostitute their own 8-ball of coke and then still had money left for the penicillin he'd have to buy to cure the STD's the hookers give him.

Reds Opening Day 2011: Sorry Jacksonville, Milwaukee is Now the Jorts Capital of the U.S.

If the song YMCA is played at today's game, there's a 96 percent chance these
guys will be leading the choreography. 

Alright Reds fans who can't be at the game today, you're in luck. INSIC is stalking Twitter to bring you the best images from Opening Day.

If you missed the beginning of the game, Edinson Volquez is in playoff form. He gave up back-to-back home runs in the top of the first.

If Volquez's failures brought you to tears, hopefully the picture at the top of the page will make you thrilled that you weren't alive in the 70's and/or don't live in Milwaukee. Both are good things.

Oh and on a non 'Edinson Volquez is horrible' related note, we have an Opening Day tidbit to pass along: an INSIC source has learned that Pete Rose was not banned from baseball because of gambling, he was banned because he has worse taste in clothing than Craig Sager. We think Rose stole the coat below from Kramer who took it from the set of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Gambling didn't get Pete Rose banned from baseball, his
horrible taste in clothing did.

*Update* Several women have emailed us saying they want to see some 'leg' from these Brewers fans. Well ladies, you're in luck, someone at the game is sitting behind them and he got lots of leg in this picture.

INSIC is a family blog and this picture is more graphic than some soft core
pornos, but we're going to run it anyway. 

*Update* Volquez is getting lit up like a porn star in Charlie Sheen's guest house. The Reds trail 5-2 in the fifth inning after a homer by Milwaukee's Ryan Braun. But worry not Reds fans, the force is strong within this team.

"Win, the Reds must," -Yoda

*Update* The first order of business in tomorrow's Cincinnati city council meeting needs to be getting a 24-kt gold Ramon Hernandez statue built. The dude just went 4-for-5 including a walk-off 3-run home run to give the Reds a 7-6 Opening Day win over Milwaukee.

INSIC thinks the Reds need to go 162-0 and win all of their games on walk-off
home runs. 

Reds Will Be Honoring Their Biggest Fan on Opening Day: Charlie Sheen Will Throw Out First Pitch, Base Paths Will be Lined with Cocaine

Charlie Sheen posing with 90's coke partners: 90210's Dylan and Brandon.

Cincinnati Reds Press Release: Opening Day 2011

The Cincinnati Reds would like to announce that for Opening Day 2011, they will be honoring their biggest fan: Charlie Sheen.

"The Cincinnati Reds theme for the 2011 season is 'winning," Reds General Manager Walt Jocketty says. "Over the past six days, Charlie Sheen has made it pretty clear that he's only about 'winning, so we felt honoring him was a pretty logical move for the Cincinnati Reds. Not to mention, Charlie's from Dayton and he's been a huge Reds fan his whole life."

Sheen didn't take the no-hit playoff loss to the Phillies lightly he did
14 lines of coke and had one of the Goddesses give him a blumpkin. 

Jocketty says the team approached Sheen last Monday about throwing out the ceremonial first pitch and Sheen gladly accepted, but with one caveat: he wanted Great American Ball Park to serve tiger's blood instead of beer on Opening Day.

"Look, no one's denying that Charlie has tiger's blood in his veins and no one's denying that tiger's blood is a tasty substitute for beer, but the fact of the matter is that tiger's are an endangered species. The Reds organization didn't feel like we could get the amount of tiger's blood we would need to serve 45,000 thirsty fans, so we compromised with Charlie." Jocketty says.

Krivsky says that instead of tiger's blood, the team will line the base paths with cocaine. Major League Baseball approved the cocaine base paths, but only for Opening Day.

According to the Reds, it will take 900 pounds of cocaine
to line the base paths for Opening Day.

"The cocaine thing almost didn't happen," Krivsky points out. "Charlie wanted pure Colombian-grade stuff, which the Reds haven't had access to since the 1980's, so Charlie put me in touch with Colombian President Alvaro Uribe."

The two sides then hashed out a deal: the Reds would give the Colombian President two opening day Diamond Seats for every 90 pounds of cocaine the Colombian President gave them. It took 900 pounds of coke, so the Reds were forced to give up 20 Diamond Seats.

"I'm very well-aware that 90 pounds of coke is worth more than two baseball tickets," President Uribe says. "However, after the death of Pablo Escobar in 1993, our drug-based economy fell on hard times and since 1995 Charlie has somehow managed to single-handedly keep the Colombian drug market alive. So I consider this a favor to Charlie."

When asked about how good Colombian grade cocaine is, Sheen gave it a ringing endorsement, "If you try it once, you will die," Sheen said of the coke. "Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

Asked if he would throw a strike with the ceremonial first pitch, Sheen answered in typical Sheen fashion, "My success rate is 100 percent, do the math."

First pitch for the Reds will be on March 31 when they play the Milwaukee Brewers.

(The Charlie Sheen quotes are actual quotes that we've completely taken  out of context, but not really because you can't actually take Charlie Sheen out of context)

Worst Weekend Ever (Handcuffs Edition): Bengals Shocked, Reds Get Swept and Pacman Gets "Arrested"

(That really is Adam Jones pictured above and yes, he really is in handcuffs. The picture came from this guy, via twitter)

Handcuffs are fun in the bedroom, but they're not much fun anywhere else.

Cole Hamels handcuffed the Reds line-up last night.

The Cincinnati police department literally handcuffed Pacman Jones yesterday afternoon and the Bengals metaphorically handcuffed their fan base and bent them over backwards when they lost to the Buccaneers.

By the way, Jones was handcuffed because he drove onto a sidewalk.

According to him and witnesses, Jones drove on the sidewalk to avoid hitting another car. Police decided to detain him because (he's black) someone in their data base named "Adam Jones" had a warrant out for his arrest. When cops realized they had the wrong Adam Jones, they released Pacman. He was in custody for almost an hour.

Lance McCalister is the Miss Cleo of Reds Baseball

Love him or hate him, Lance McCalister is smarter than you (but probably has less hair).

At noon today, the 1530am sports host tweeted that Brandon Phillips would lead tonight's game off with a home run. Brandon Phillips led off tonight's game with a home run.

Since Lance can obviously see the future, someone needs to ask him if anyone at INSIC is going to get laid tonight and if they do, will the girl look like Snooki and if she does, should we call a a doctor about genital warts.

Schottzie Says: Don't Get No-Hit Tonight Reds

After Wednesday night's nuclear holocaust that was game one of the National League Divisional Series, we here at INSIC thought long and hard about what the Reds can do to win game two.

Here's what we came up with:

1. Don't get no-hit: This seems like common sense, but after Wednesday night, we realize it's not. It is impossible to win a baseball game without getting a hit. Although, theoretically you could win without a hit if a bunch of people got walked and/or hit by pitches and/or got to base on dropped third strikes in the same inning. But we probably shouldn't count on that strategy tonight.

2. Score a run: as the Braves proved last night, even if you don't get no-hit, it is impossible to win a baseball game without scoring a run. Sure, the only Giants run was scored by a guy that was caught stealing second (pictured below) and yes, if the umpire had made the correct call, the two teams would still be playing right now tied at zero (by our count, the game would be in the 92nd inning and Lincecum would probably have close to 400 strikeouts). But we don't care about that series, we only care about this one. Score a God Damn run Reds.

3. Don't Eat Cheesesteaks: For the love of Marge Schott, if you ate a cheesesteak today, then don't watch the game, you're a horrible fan and you're bad luck. As long as the Reds are playing Philadelphia, there is to be no support of anything Philadelphia. Burn your Rocky DVD's, punch Will Smith in the face if you see him, start an illegal dog fighting ring and frame Michael Vick for it. We don't care what you do, just do something.

Prediction for tonight: Schottzie says 5-3 Reds.