If Paul Brown and Marge Schott had a love child that started a blog on Bob Huggins computer, it would be our blog: Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati. If you've ever wanted to set yourself, your pet or your TV on fire after an impossible loss by a Cincinnati sports team, then you should probably bookmark us.
Showing posts with label Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati. Show all posts
(That really is Adam Jones pictured above and yes, he really is in handcuffs. The picture came from this guy, via twitter)
Handcuffs are fun in the bedroom, but they're not much fun anywhere else.
Cole Hamels handcuffed the Reds line-up last night.
The Cincinnati police department literally handcuffed Pacman Jones yesterday afternoon and the Bengals metaphorically handcuffed their fan base and bent them over backwards when they lost to the Buccaneers.
By the way, Jones was handcuffed because he drove onto a sidewalk.
According to him and witnesses, Jones drove on the sidewalk to avoid hitting another car. Police decided to detain him because (he's black) someone in their data base named "Adam Jones" had a warrant out for his arrest. When cops realized they had the wrong Adam Jones, they released Pacman. He was in custody for almost an hour.
Last week we made a joke about Giant Jesus burning to the ground. This week it actually happened.
Sick of being mocked by his 62-foot tall son, God decided to finally do something about it.
Late last night, in a vengeance filled rage that the Earth hasn't seen since the 7th plague was unleashed on man, Giant Jesus (or 'Touchdown Jesus' as Non-Notre Dame fans call him) was struck down when fire, water and brimstone shot from the skies. (In non-biblical terms, Giant Jesus was struck by lightning during a crazy thunderstorm. He then caught on fire and slowly burnt over the course of two hours).
Big Butter Jesus (as the people who didn't call him Giant Jesus or Touchdown Jesus called him) was built in 2004. He was 6-years-old. In Giant Jesus time, that is an eternity, so do not feel sorry for him.
Ochocinco Returns to Cincinnati
The good thing about Giant Jesus burning to the ground: Cincinnati doesn't need him this week anyway. Late Monday, the city's other savior that's not Giant Jesus, Chad Ochocinco, flew into town just in time for the Bengals first mandatory mini camp.
Last week quarterback Carson Palmer had some not so nice words to say about Chadly.
What exactly did you say again Carson?
"It would be great to have our No. 1 receiver here and working him in and building around him," Palmer told the media last week. "We've tried moving guys around. Maybe they're trying to find a new No. 1 receiver because it's hard to work your offense in without that guy around."
Carson, you sound like a girl from MTV's Fresh Meat 2, you need to stop complaining. Chad showed up when he had too, not to mention, you have other things to worry about, like the Kroger ice cream that's killing people.
The Kroger Ice Cream that's Killing People, but hasn't Killed Anyone Yet
If you like ice cream and you shop at Kroger, then you should thank God and Giant Jesus that you're not dead right now. The Cincinnati-based grocer announced today that their Deluxe Chocolate Paradise Ice Cream could kill you.
At this point, you're probably asking yourself three questions:
1. Is the ice cream laced with cyanide? (No, it's not cyanide).
2. Is this part of Kroger's diabolical plan to end the obesity epidemic by killing people who overindulge on ice cream? (Lets not rule this one out just yet)
3. Did Kroger accidentally put tree nuts in the ice cream that instantly kills people with nut allergies? (Bingo. Although we're slightly exaggerating when we say 'instantly kills.' It's actually a slow painful death. Like burning for two straight hours, right Giant Jesus?)
*UPDATE* If you're one of those people that likes to take pictures of burnt up Giant Jesus remains, you might want to rethink this. The Cincinnati Enquirer is reporting on their Twitter page that local police will be "ticketing motorists on I-75 who stop to gawk" at the charred skeletal remains of Giant Jesus.
If you're a Xavier student and you're reading this blog entry right now, good for you, you didn't drown yourself to death in a puddle of tears, whiskey and Milwaukee's Best last night.
Usually when your women's basketball team loses a game, no one notices, mainly because no one watches women's college basketball (no, we're not sexist, we're going by the ratings).
Unfortunately for Xavier though, 81 percent of all sports fans in the country saw some sort of highlight of last night's game. Why? Because not only was the Women's Elite Eight game against Stanford on ESPN (not ESPN 2 or ESPNU or ESPN Classic or ESPN360 or any other ESPN entity, but THE ESPN), it was also the lead highlight on Sportscenter.
Or if your Xavier's Dee Dee Jernigans, it was the lead lowlight. Jernigan's pulled a Chris Webber, only calling it a Chris Webber is an insult to Chris Webber (If you don't have time to brush up on college basketball history, Webber called a timeout in the 1993 National Championship game. The only problem, Michigan was out of timeouts. This is an automatic technical in college hoops).
Back to the Xavier game. With 17 seconds left and the game tied at 53, Jernigans missed not one but two lay ups that would have given Xavier the lead. And when we say layups, we're talking about shots that the Dog from Air Bud would have made with his eyes closed. Shots that a zookeeper could train a walrus to make and walruses don't even play basketball. Shots that an unborn baby could make from the womb of its expecting mother.
Are we piling on Jernigan's? Probably. To add insult to injury, Stanford's Jeanette Pohlen went the length of the court int he game's final four seconds and laid in the game winner at the buzzer.
If you're not a fan of reading (and who is these days) here are the highlights from the game. If you're the kind of sicko that enjoys train wrecks and male on male rape (a very under reported crime by the way) then you'll want to fast forward to the 1:07 mark of the video.
Lets see, so in the past year we had the Xavier women, the Xavier Men and last April we had this: Miami of Ohio leading in the NCAA Hockey championship game 3-1 with 1:00 left. A lock in hockey, unless of course, over 50 percent of your fan base is from Cincinnati, then you're just screwed:
Oh and don't forget about this Brandon Stokley touchdown:
Don't think we forgot about you Bearcats fans:
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And in case there is any city out there that thinks they have it worse than Cincinnati, we've thrown in these last two for good measure:
Are you crying yet?
Ladies and Gentleman, this is why Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati.
This blog exists for one reason and one reason only: to put a fun spin on the heartbreak that Cincinnati sports fans suffer daily. We pray to Byron Larkin, Ken Anderson, Boomer Esiason, Chris Sabo and Lazelle Durden every day that a team in this city will win some sort of championship before Jerry Springer dies.
Tonight we might have to give up though because there is no way to spin the Xavier game, unless you've been through a botched heart surgery, you probably haven't had to endure this type of pain.
So what happened?
With only seconds left and K-State up 72-69, Xavier's Terrell Holloway prove that he's part man, part Komodo dragon and all awesome when he drained three free throws at the end of regulation to send the game into OT.
Seriously, raise your hand if you thought he was going to hit all three free throws. I'll tell you what I thought: I thought a unicorn had a better chance of walking into my kitchen and cooking a five course pancake breakfast. I did not think Holloway was going to hit all three free throws, but he did.
At the end of regulation, the only person that was screaming louder than Gus Johnson was everyone in my living room.
Lets cut to OT. Raise your hand if you thought Xavier was done in OT. I did, Ochocinco thought the Muskies were going to kiss the baby. But no, what happens: Jordan Crawford --from 17 zip codes away-- nails a 3-ball to tie the game. If you think I'm exaggerating about the 17 zip codes, watch the video at the top of the page.
The 39 fans in Kansas who didn't have a heart attack after the Northern Iowa-Kansas game popped 11 more heart pills after Crawford's three. There was more prescription medicine used in Kansas Thursday night then in Brittany Murphy's house in all of 2007.
Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be. K-State pulled out the win 101-96. Citizens of Kansas now have two days to re-up their heart medication.
This blog started one year ago today doing what Cincinnati sports fans do best: making fun of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Sure they have six Super Bowl Championships, but that's offset by the fact that all of their fans smell like beef jerky.
Anyway, back to INSIC. In the past year, we proved that Shayne Graham is on facebook (his people denied his Facebook profile was real, then they said it was and in case you're wondering, he hasn't really been accepting new friend requests since the Jets game) and we were the only web site anywhere to pick the Bengals exact record for the 2009 season (10-6).
Because of our anniversary, we here at INSIC are starting a new series today. From now on, every other Tuesday for the next seven years, we are going to rehash a sporting event in Cincinnati history that will make you throw up the arugula salad that your wife packed you for lunch.
The Reds have been terrible since 1991, the Bengals bad luck has existed since 1968, and even our college teams fail to win national championships.
This horrible span of Cincinnati sports suckiness will be called "The Curse of Stanley Wilson's Drug Dealer."
For those of you that don't know, Stanley Wilson was the starting fullback for the 1988 Bengals. The night before the Super Bowl, Wilson was caught with an amount of cocaine that would make a Colombian drug dealer jealous. How Wilson got that Cocaine? No one knows. Since the NFL doesn't allow crack addicts to play in Super Bowls, Wilson wasn't allowed to play in the game. The Bengals lost by four.
So without further adieu, lets start our new series on why it's never sunny in cincinnati:
First up (Bearcat fans may want to turn their heads):
Location: Memphis, TN
Date: March 2, 2000
Important Moment: Conference USA Tournament Quarterfinals
Most UC fans have repressed this memory. The fans who didn't repress it simply drank to the point of black out which means the alcohol repressed the memory.
What memory are we talking about here?
The one where Kenyon Martin's right leg breaks like a New Orleans water levee during Hurricane Katrina.
UC was a legit contender for the national title during the 1999-2000 season. Going into the month of March, they were no. 1 in the land. However, that all changed three minutes into their conference quarterfinal game against St. Louis.
So what happened to Martin, let's let the Associated Press describe it: Martin was setting a pick when he got tangled up with Saint Louis' Justin Love. Martin's ankle turned underneath him as he fell, tearing several ligaments and then breaking his fibula.
Now, let's make a long story short.
On selection Sunday, the Bearcats became the first top ranked team in the history of college basketball to not get a no. 1 seed for the NCAA tournament. Coach Bob Huggins cried foul, he said his team still deserved a top seed. The Bearcats went out and proved Huggins statement by promptly losing in the second round to seventh seed Tulsa.
Who does INSIC blame?
Mr. and Mrs. Love. If Justin Love's parents had aborted him, Kenyon would have never have broken his leg and the Bearcats would be national champions.
Be sure to check back later this week for our Super Bowl pick and don't miss next Tuesday's reason why It's Never Sunny in Cincinnati.
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