Monday, February 2, 2009

Super Bowl XLIII (The Greatest Ever?)

Seriously, five minutes after Super Bowl XLIII was over, I heard the word 'greatest' being tossed around like a midget in a kinky porn. Greatest catch ever (No), Greatest Super Bowl ever (No) and the Steelers may have the greatest D ever (Not even close).

Lets work right to left alphabetically speaking: First of all, this wasn't the Greatest Super Bowl ever, as everyone at seems to think, from Peter King to Don "My Super Bowl Snap Judgements Sucked" Banks.

The first three quarters of this game were so boring that I started watching old episodes of Full House (Usually I'm blacked out in a seedy Mexican hotel room if I'm watching Full House). Not once during my childhood did I ever find Uncle Joey entertaining, however, after watching the first three quarters of this game, I found him funnier then season one of Family Guy.

Anyway, while scouring the world wide web, I really only found two people who agree with me about this not being the Superest Super Bowl ever; Luke "My reasons make no sense, but my article is being linked here because I agree with Breech" Russert (I mean seriously Luke, this isn't baseball, you don't need a rivalry game to make for a big Super Bowl) and Mike "I somehow managed to mention Beverly Hills Cop III without being funny" Freeman.

Let me quote Mr. King on why Super Bowl XXIII (my personal favorite) wasn't the best:
Super Bowl XXIII had Joe Montana driving the 49ers 11 plays and 92 yards for the winning touchdown with 34 second left was a classic finish, but again, not a classic game.
Gee, Pete, just insert XLIII for XXIII and Warner or Roethlisberger for Montana and you just described Sunday's game. I will say that hands down, the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XLIII was the wildest ride ever.

I spilled my popcorn, dropped a slice of pizza and choked on a piece of broccoli, all in a span of eight minutes. Just when I thought things couldn't get crazier, someone would safety someone, then when I thought the vaunted Steeler D would step up, they pull the defensive equivalent of a Scott Norwood, but instead of wide right, they went wide open, as in they just left the entire field wide open for Larry Fitzgerald and friends, handing the Cardinals a touchdown on a silk snuggie.

Then, just when I thought Ben had hit his career peak on the first drive of the game (because seriously, between that drive and the final drive, what in the name of Art Rooney did he do), he makes miraculous play after miraculous play looking like an experimental breeding of Randall Cunningham and Joe Montana gone horribly right.

Then what happens? "The Catch II," or the Immaculate reception II or what ever the hell you want to call it, but the way I see it, the only person luckier then Ben Roethlisberger today is Turtle from Entourage because he's nailing Jamie Lynn Sigler (Not just on the show, but in real life).

Ben himself said on Letterman the night after the game that he was lucky the ball wasn't picked. That's right people, on the most important play of the game, Ben might as well have been blindfolded because he just threw it up and crossed his fingers that he wasn't going to become the next Neil O'Donnell (Steelers fans, we know that name rings a bell).

Holmes for his part told the media after the game that he didn't even have to jump for the ball. I repeat, the man didn't jump, the catch itself wasn't impressive, it was the fact that he kept his toes in, but guess what, Holmes had no pressure on him, if he drops it, it's third down and at worst, the Steelers kick the Field Goal and go to OT. And who was covering him, three high school safeties, what the hell happened there?

Tyree's catch is number one, if you look at this picture, you'll still think he doesn't catch it, if I was a Patriots fan, I would have just thrown up looking at that link. And in the Bizarro world where Tyree doesn't catch this pass (on fourth down mind you), the Patriots go 19-0, Tom Brady is elected president, New York Minute is a good movie and Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline (wait that actually happened).

I'll let CBS's Gregg Doyel tell you why I'm wrong... Although if Doyel looks at the picture on his OWN page, he'll notice there is nothing special about Holmes' effort, he is sitting there waiting for the ball people, WAITING, if it gets tipped, great nice play by the Cards, if it doesn't, Holmes has to do nothing except catch it and keep his toes in and milk the MVP award for everything it's worth....

I really want to break down Harrison's interception, but that might take all day, kind of like the actual run back. I mean what the hell happened, did Boldin and Fitzgerald take a bathroom break before they began pursuit, those two can run 100 yards in the time it takes Harrison to go 30.

Holy Crap, I'm out of breath, but let's talk about the Steeler's defense. All you normal people out there probably know that slapping a woman is not a good idea. Well that's basically what the Steeler's did four times this season.

TWENTY FIVE PERCENT of their schedule was against the two worst offenses in football (Bengals and Browns). Look at the division, Fitzpatrick, Flacco and Anderson/Quinn; me, a chipmunk and the cast of Mean Girls could have fielded a top 10 defense against that slate. But it gets worse, nine of their 16 games were against teams with bottom 12 offenses. Wait can I go one step further please, I'm on a roll, what happened when the Steelers went against top 10 offenses, glad you asked; 2-2 in the regular season, 1-0 in the post season. Kurt Warner should be arrested for Statutory Rape because that's what the old man did to the young Steeler defense.

The goat of the game is Arizona Offensive coordinator Todd Haley, honestly, did he have a child before the game because he was on maternity leave the whole first half.

Haley, were you really trying to run the ball, everyone who has ever watched four seconds of football knows that the Kryptonite of the Steeler D is the spread. Line up four or five receivers and the Steelers look more confused then someone watching season 3 of Lost.

Alright, well, that's all for today, but be sure to tune in next week when I think of 10 more reasons why the Steelers piss me off and Cincinnati Fans, it goes without saying that watching the Steelers win the Super Bowl is like getting kicked in the nuts by someone with Down Syndrome, it's painful and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.


  1. Should this nonsense be considered journalism? I can appreciate the facts that you chose to include in this piece. However, you did forget to mention that the Steelers did play the toughest NFL schedule in 25 years, never lost 2 games in a row, and found ways to win. Maybe that kind of culture comes from an owner that still eats lunch with his players. Or an organization that has had fewer coaches that the Catholics have seen Popes over the same time period. Your bias makes me want to partake in a double-ender, then have the man with the black shoes slice off my head Arab style. It's hilarious to me to think about your life if you had been born somewhere other than Cincinnati. Anywhere really. Arizona, Atlanta, St. Louis, Tampa, Denver. It's true, their is parity in the NFL. Many teams have proven it, except the Bengals. Some say 2 things are guaranteed in life. I'll add a few more. First, you'll use at least 9 retarded analogies in each piece you write. Second, the Steelers will always be good. Finally, you still owe people money if you continue to think the Bengals will win anything.

  2. I stopped reading after the second sentence because your facts are as accurate as a White House meteorologist 3 days before Katrina. The Steelers may have had the toughest schedule BEFORE ONE GAME was played this season, which means absolutely nothing. That's the equivalent of handing the Ms. America title out based on what the girl looked like five months ago... Anyway, here is a link to strength of schedule before the season started, meaning based on 2007 records (, however, using 2008 records, your Steelers "played the toughest schedule in 25 years" becomes no more then Jargon, (, Ladies and Gentleman, the Bengals had a more difficult 2008 schedule then the Steelers... I'm going to bed and shaving 50 bucks off the five grand I owe you...

  3. I guess that is what happens when you have to play the Super Bowl Champs. How does that sound? Super Bowl champs. Congrats, only 2 retarded analogies in this one.