Saturday, November 5, 2011

Justin Bieber says: Baby's not mine, Bengals in a Blowout, Buy my Christmas Album

Justin Bieber says call your bookie and bet Bengals.
Because pop culture is my second favorite thing to write about, we need to make one thing clear right now: there is no way Justin Bieber fathered a kid with that 20-year-old California girl.

How do I know this?

Because Bieber is either A. a virgin or B. gay and as far as I know, both of those things would preclude him from impregnating a girl.

In case this picture isn't clear enough, Peter King thinks
the Bengals are going to lose Sunday. 
OK, so how does this relate to the Bengals? Like this. Vegas, Peter King and all the talking heads on ESPN seem to think the Bengals are going to lose tomorrow. Well, they're not going too.

How do I know this?

Because the Bengals A. do not suck and B. are awesome and as far as I know, either one of those things would preclude the Bengals from losing.

The Bengals-Titans game on Sunday has Bengals-Bears 2009 written all over it.

The 3-2 Bears were playing the 4-2 Bengals in Cincinnati and the BEARS were favored.

The Bengals wins were far more impressive --Steelers, Ravens, Packers were three of the four -- plus, the Bears had Jay Cutler at quarterback and as most football fans know: Jay Cutler sucks. They could play football for 8 billion more years, Jay Cutler could be immortal and live all 8 billion of those years and play a trillion more football games and he'd still suck.

Long story short: Bengals won 45-10. 

Matt Hasselbeck also kind of isn't good. Sure Hasselbeck's been to a Super Bowl and sure he beat the Saints in the playoffs last season, but lets be honest, if someone was holding a gun to your head and you had to pick a QB to start a game with your life on the line, Hasselbeck would be like the 56th choice. There's college QB's you'd pick before Hasselbeck.

Anyway, if you're bored, read all my picks, if you're in a hurry, skip to the bottom for my Bengals prediction.

Week 9 Picks

Kansas City at Miami: I'd rather staple a raw steak to my genitalia and be put in a cage with a hungry lion than have to watch this game. On a completely unrelated  note, if you drafted a fantasy team this season that includes Matt Cassel, Jackie Battle or any Miami Dolphins player, you should think about joining a fantasy chess league because you suck at fantasy football. Chiefs 17-10 over the Dolphins. 

Atlanta at Indianapolis: If you're a girl reading this, you probably know a guy or two that performs better in bed when their drunk. The Falcons are the drunk sex guys of the NFL. They only play perform well in domes.  Last time I checked, Indianapolis is in a dome. Falcons fans will probably have lots of drunk sex after Atlanta bashes Indy 31-17. 

Tampa Bay at New Orleans: Two weeks ago, the Saints bitch slapped the Colts 62-7. It was uglier than the last 3 years of Lindsay Lohan's movie career. After the 55-point win, the Saints promptly went out and lost to the Rams. THE RAMS. This would be like a boxer beating Mike Tyson in his prime and then losing to a blind baby the next week. Unimaginable. That being said, I see the Saints overcoming their loss to the blind babies and rebounding with a 31-24 win.

Anchor Bar is the only form of entertainment in Buffalo.
N.Y. Jets at Buffalo: Every time I watch a game that's in Buffalo, I feel sorry for the fans and that's mostly because they live in Buffalo. I went there once, asked someone for something cool to do and they said go to the Anchor Bar because that's where Buffalo wings were invented. If going to a wing bar is the coolest thing to do in your city, then YOUR CITY SUCKS. Now I'm pissed at Buffalo, so I'm picking the Jets 24-20. 

Seattle at Dallas: Two weeks ago, the Cowboys beat the Rams 34-7. Last week they lost to the Eagles 34-7. I'm not a big pattern person, but I see a pattern there. Cowboys 34-7. 

Cleveland at Houston: Generally, I pick the Browns to lose every game they play in. This strategy has me at 4-3 picking their games. I see no reason to stop now. Texans 30-14 over Cleveland. 

San Francisco at Washington: The Redskins season is falling apart faster than Herman Cain's presidential bid. West Coast teams don't usually win 10 a.m. PT games, but the 49ers have already done it twice this season. One more can't hurt. San Francisco 20-13 over the Redskins.

Denver at Oakland: There's a 50 percent chance that Tim Tebow will not be the worst quarterback in this game. The over/under on Carson Palmer pick six's is 1.5. Don't go under. Its a trap bet. The Broncos score on three pick six's but still manage to lose 31-21. 

N.Y. Giants at New England: Reasons I can't pick the Giants: A. David Tyree is not playing in this game. B. Tom Brady is 312-0 at home and 464-2 after a loss. I'll take the Patriots 34-27. 

Do man-eating rhinos exist?
St. Louis at Arizona: Scroll back to the top. Read what I wrote about the Kansas City-Miami game. However, instead of raw steak, use AIDS and instead of hungry lion, use man-eating rhinoceros. On that note, I think the "Suck for Luck" campaign is over for the Rams because they're going to make it two in a row with a 27-17 win.

Green Bay at San Diego: Picking who's going to win between Aaron Rodgers and Philip Rivers is like trying to decide who's going to win best actress at the Academy Awards between Meryl Streep and Lindsay Lohan. Only Lohan wasn't nominated and she's in jail. That probably doesn't make sense, but my pick will, Packers 38-31 over the Chargers. 

Baltimore at Pittsburgh: I don't care who wins this game, as long as 19 Steelers starters get hurt and can't play next week against the Bengals. That's right. I'm cheering for injuries. Oh, and the refs. I'm cheering for them too. And world peace. But mostly injuries. Steelers 20-17 over Baltimore. 

Chicago at Philadelphia: The Bears don't have a win on the road this year. They're going on the road. I think you know where I'm going with this. By the way, don't try and tell me the Bears do have a road win and it was in England. Because here's what I say to that: nothing that happens in England counts for anything. If you lost your virginity in England, you're still a virgin. If you kill someone in England, they were English, so they probably deserved it. Also, I will not be watching the summer Olympics. Eagles 31-24 over the Bears. 

What's bigger: Kim's butt or Kim's boobs?
What's longer:  Kim's marriage or the Bengals winning streak?
As always, INSIC asks the tough questions. 
Cincinnati at Tennessee: The Bengals win streak is now over half as long as Kim Kardshian's marriage was. Maybe its just me and maybe its just because I watch E! 14 hours a day, but I'm impressed by that stat.

You want more positive statistics? How about this: The last time the Bengals had a 5-game winning streak: 1988. The last time the Bengals went to the Super Bowl: the 1988 season. I say the Carrot Top Cannon comes out on fire and the Bengals win 34-17. 

Week 8 Picks

Straight-up: 10-3
SU Overall: 84-32
Against the Spread: 6-7
ATS Overall: 64-52
Exact Week 8 Picks: 0
Exact Picks Overall: 2