Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Term 'Draft Steal' Confuses Bengals Owner Brown, Almost Costs Team Maualuga

By John Breech/Staff

The pick of Ray Maualuga seemed like a pretty obvious one for Cincinnati to make Saturday, but according to one team source, the former USC star almost wasn't taken by the Bengals.

The anonymous assistant coach, who was in the Bengals war room on draft day, says that team owner Mike Brown had issues with the term 'draft steal.'

"He thought it was something illegal," says the source. "When we told him we were getting a steal with Maualuga, he actually called up the league office and asked if a 'draft day steal' meant a fine for the organization. Coach Lewis and the team's three scouts did the best they could to keep a straight face."

Most football fans and NFL owners know that the term 'draft steal' is generally given to a prospect that falls below their initial projection. In Maualuga's case, he was widely considered to be a first round choice, but he fell to the second round.

"He's been the head of this franchise for 18 years," the anonymous assistant said of Brown. "And he doesn't know what a draft day steal is, Jesus F. Christ, my fricking four-year-old daughter knows more about football than Mike Brown. I tell you, I almost quit on the spot."

The source went on to say that draft day took an even more embarassing turn when Brown's choice for the Bengals second round pick was not available. "So Mike calls up the league draft offices in New York and announces that the Bengals would like to select Mark Sanchez with the 38th pick," explained the source. "After laughing for at least eight minutes, they informed Mr. Brown that Sanchez had been drafted 33 picks earlier, you know, at pick number five, right before us. Then, to make matters worse, Brown tells them that the Bengals would like to draft Ray Finkle instead. This would have been the funniest thing ever if it was a joke, but he was dead serious."

After team employees explained to Brown that Finkle was a fictional character in a comedic movie, the owner finally relented and OK'd the Maualuga pick.

Three other independent sources confirmed this story to Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati, however, Mike Brown was unavailable for comment.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

On the Clock: John Breech Breaks down the Bengals Draft

Alright people, because I'm in a good mood and because I feel bad that the Andy Kennedy court transcript (below) was longer than the bible, I'm going to go ahead and sum up the first five rounds of the Bengals 2009 draft for you; bad, good, good, good, good, we drafted a punter.

You're welcome.

First and foremost, I hate the Andre Smith pick, mostly because I hate Andre Smith. If the Bengals had the first pick in an imaginary draft that consisted of Andre Smith, Jesus and a meth addict, I would have wanted them to take the meth addict first (Jesus is undersized for the NFL, Andre Smith is less reliable).

For those of you who missed this year's Sugar Bowl (Utah vs. Alabama), you're in the same category as Andre because he missed it too. Wait, what? Bama's best tackle didn't play in his team's most important game, he must have had swine flu or something, right? Nope, he was suspended. Smith decided NFL money was more important then his Crimson Tide teammates. So he went out to dinner with an agent. Now I expect something like that out of Chris Henry, but not a number six overall pick in the NFL draft.

As my facebook profile clearly stated Saturday one hour before the draft started:

If the Bengals draft Andre Smith, please turn off your television and give up on the 2009 season.

Here's my problem, Smith is going to be protecting Carson Palmer, this is a bad thing. Ripped condoms give better protection then Andre Smith. He eats what he wants and has John Daly's workout habits. His weight fluctuates more than Oprah's, his college teammates didn't trust him and Alabama coach Nick Saban likes him. Usually when a coach likes you, its a good thing, unless that coach is Nick Saban. <--- If you don't follow football, everyone hates Saban, even LSU fans and he won them a National Championship. Oh and did I mention he left the NFL combine early because he was out of shape and then had a terrible pro day when scouts made their way to Tuscaloosa. On the other hand, there is an upside. If Smith actually tries, isn't lazy and cuts down on his trips to Taco Bell, he could be the best tackle the Bengals have ever had not named Anthony Munoz. Plus, at least we know he's cool, I mean the guy did announce he was going pro on Facebook. Alright, now its time to get to the part of the draft that should have given Bengal nation a collective orgasm. "With pick number 38 in the 2009 NFL draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select..." I got about 13 text messages leading up to the prior statement, most of them went something like this: If we don't take Ray Ray, I quit as a Bengals fan.

Ray's freak dance with ESPN's Erin Andrews alone would make this the best pick ever.

If we take Maualuga, we could take 4 punters, a kicker and a hairless cat with the rest of our picks and I would still be happy.

Then the Bengals did something they never do: the obvious thing. They drafted Maualuga. He is the Bengals Chuck Norris, this guy can do anything, fans are going to love him (unless he goes Odell on us) Over the next ten seasons, we're going to make up things about him like "Ray Maualuga eats steak for every single meal even though most of the time he forgets to kill the cow. " He has legend written all over him.

With the third pick, the Bengals took Michael Johnson from Georgia Tech. I live in Atlanta and I saw this freak of nature play twice this year. You want girls to be freaks in the bed, you want newly drafted third round picks to be freaks in the weight room. Johnson is exactly that, if Andre Smith spends 10 minutes working out with Johnson, he will either die of a heart attack or become the most ripped tackle in the NFL. If everyone on the team works out with Johnson, they can just go ahead and start sizing everyone for Super Bowl rings.

Then, we went Tight End, Center, Punter. I don't think any team in the history of the NFL draft has ever picked those three positions in a row.

I love the punter choice, even though it may have been a reach in the 5th round, but you can't hate on Kevin Huber mainly because he was born and raised in Cincinnati.

Oh and if you're reading this with your Kyle Larson jersey on, that thing is depreciating in value faster then AIG stock. Nothing says "we don't want you anymore" like signing a free agent punter and drafting a punter in a span of 40 days. I'll go ahead and add him to my list of people I won't be expecting at training camp.

This is the first time in six years that I didn't blow a kidney stone the day after the draft. The Bengals did something right <--- I love writing that, mainly because they only do something right about three times a decade.

Bengal's 2009 Draft Overall Grade: A- (A+ if Andre Smith isn't at Taco Bell right now)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Read the Shocking Andy Kennedy Court Transcript: Plus, How in the Hell does Chris Henry play into all of this?

Unless you've been in some sort of heroin induced haze for the last four months, you probably heard that former Bearcat basketball head coach and current Mississippi coach Andy Kennedy was arrested in December for disorderly conduct. If you've been so wrapped up in season five of The Hills that you completely missed this whole melee, you can read about it here, here and here.

Anyway, back to today's story, on Monday, April 20, Kennedy went to court and pled guilty... to something. (No one knows for sure what) Since you probably weren't in the courtroom and since we here at INSIC know you want to know what happened, we beat up three people to obtain an illegal copy of Monday's court transcript. Finally, because our Mexican transcriber Miguel, who works for two cents an hour, is on vacation, we only transcribed the important parts.

Transcription Key:
Andy Kennedy
Kennedy's Criminal Lawyer (Mike Allen)
Kennedy's Wife (Kimberly)
Judge Dwane Mallory
Cabbie Kennedy made fun of (Mohamed Moctar Jiddou)
Valet Witness for Cabbie (Michael Strother)
Cabbie's Attorney (David Mann)
Chris Henry (It's pretty obvious by now, whenever you combine alcohol with a high profile arrest in Cincinnati, Chris Henry has to be involved)

Bailiff: Would all please rise for the honorable Judge Dwane Mallory....

(12 minutes into testimony Judge Mallory asks Kennedy and his attorney if Kennedy will in fact be pleading guilty)

Allen: Your honor the only thing my client is guilty of is being innocent. So yes, we're pleading guilty to the charge of being innocent.

Judge: With all due respect Mr. Allen, that's not what Mr. Kennedy was charged with. As a matter of fact, that charge doesn't even exist or make sense, why in the world would we ever charge anyone with being innocent, everybody all the time would plead guilty to being innocent. And no one would ever be convicted of anything, except for being innocent of course. Mr. Allen, you are dumbing down this court every time you open your mouth and if I wasn't drunker than Paula Abdul right now, you'd be in jail faster then Chris Hanson can surprise a child predator. Mr. Prosecutor, please repeat the charges to Mr. Allen and Mr. Kennedy.

Prosecutor: Yes, your honor, Mr. Kennedy is charged with disorderly conduct. According to Mr. Jiddou, Mr. Kennedy punched him in the head, called him racist names like Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. He also called Mr. Jiddou a 'sand n!gger.'

Kennedy: Hold on a second here, as I've said for the last four months, this is a complete misunderstanding.

Kimberly: I'll tell you what's not a misunderstanding, Andy and I haven't played genitalia bingo in four months. B-10 honey.... (Quick aside: apparently the Kennedy's sex life has also fallen victim to this whole ordeal, update yourself here)

Judge: Mrs. Kennedy, please never say the words genitalia or bingo in the same sentence ever again.

Kennedy: As I was saying - complete misunderstanding. First of all, lets be honest, doesn't he (Mr. Jiddou) kind of look like Saddam?

(Murmurs are heard in the court, someone is heard saying, "that's weird because when I walked in here today, I actually thought to myself 'what the hell is Saddam Hussein doing in a Cincinnati courtroom?')

Judge: ORDER IN THE COURT, we understand your point Mr. Kennedy, Mr. Jiddou does bare a striking resemblance to Mr. Hussein.

Kennedy: Thank you your honor.

Mann: Ob-fucking-jection your honor, are you seriously falling for this. Not only does my client not even remotely look like Saddam Hussein, but the deposed Iraqi dictator has been dead for over two years, how could he possibly claim a case of mistaken identity with someone who's been dead for that long.

Kennedy: I didn't know he was dead.

Judge: He didn't know he was dead, that's reasonable, I buy it. However Mr Kennedy: Osama Bin Laden, sand n!gger, how do you respond to those claims.

Kennedy: Your honor, I'll make this as simple as possible, I like sand and I like n!ggers, so really, it was like a double compliment. Sometimes when I'm thinking of sex and little kittens, I call my wife a sex kitten, it's the same principle and she never gets offended or presses charges.

Judge Mallory: Thats crazy Mr. Kennedy. Just last week I was eating some Ho Ho's and taking out a trash bag and while walking down the driveway, I see my neighbor Karen and I say 'hey ho bag.' She gets offended at first, but then I explain that very same principle to her, how I like Ho Ho's and I like taking out trash bags and how it was actually a double compliment - she understood completely. Now we just laugh about it every time we see each other.

Mann: Your Honor, you can't be serious, just as Lance Bass's 2001 romantic comedy 'On the Line' made a mockery of Hollywood, Mr. Kennedy is making a complete mockery of your courtroom. Sand n!gger is one of the most offensive terms in the English language. This man needs to go to jail.

Judge: Mr. Mann, please calm down because if you don't I will not hesitate to have you handcuffed and thrown in jail.

Kimberly: If you handcuff him, I have to get a piece of that, I love handcuffs. they're so kinky.

Judge: Mrs. Kennedy, there are children in the courtroom. And can someone please have sex with this woman soon.

Kennedy: Honey, please be patient - me, you and three Bearcat cheerleaders will be in a hotel room after this, I promise... Although you'll really just be there for support.

Judge: Again people, there are children present. Can we get back to this case? Mr. Kennedy, why did you call Mr. Jiddou Osama Bin Laden?

Kennedy: Honestly your honor, I was watching Fox News the night before the arrest and they end each newscast with an "Osama Update." And according to that night's report, Osama had left the mountains of Pakistan only to be spotted driving yellow cabs in and around Cincinnati. I was simply doing my due diligence as a citizen of this country and trying to get an international terrorist arrested by yelling his name as loud and as often as I could.

Judge: Mr. Prosecutor, why the hell is this man in my courtroom, he's the opposite of a criminal, he is a modern day Jesus Christ. Mr. Kennedy, for your courageousness, I will be recommending you for a Purple Heart, a Medal of Honor and a Grammy award. And if I can swing it, I'll make sure you get free chocolate Frosty's from Wendy's for the rest of your life. Now let me ask my next question, you obviously hit Mr. Jiddou in the head because you thought he was Mr. Bin Laden.

Mann: Your honor, I don't want to get into semantics, but that wasn't even a question, you just essentially agreed with the fact that Mr. Kennedy's physical assault of my client was OK because he thought my client was an international terro-

Judge: Mr. Mann, unless you want to watch the Jonas Brothers movie 24 hours a day for the next 3 years, I suggest you let Mr. Kennedy answer the question. So Mr. Kennedy, you punched Mr. Jiddou because he is a dead ringer for Osama Bin Laden.

Kennedy: Correct sir.

Strother: Your honor, I think you should know that I witnessed this whole incident from the bar across the street and this is not what happened at all. As matter of fact, what Mr. Kennedy is describing is as far away from the truth as one could possibly be. First of all, Mr. Jiddou might look like an unpaid extra off the set of Slumdog Millionaire, but he does not even remotely look like Saddam Hussein. Secondly your honor, your a black man, are you really about to let Mr. Kennedy off the hook even though he used a term like ni- (Judge interrupts)....

Judge: Son are you about to call me a ni- (stops himself).... in my own courtroom. I am absolutely furious, if I hear a word out of your mouth that even has the letter 'N' in it, I'll... (Strothers interrupts)

Strothers: I was only...

Judge: Bailiff, please arrest Mr. Strothers or at the very least, take all of his clothes off and put him in a locked room with Mrs. Kennedy who will most likely tear him in half.

Mann: Are you F-ing crazy, this kid just told you exactly what happened on the night in question. Mr. Kennedy, in a blatant and unsettling show of racism displayed a complete and total disregard for Cincinnati law. He should be hanged on fountain square or at the very least, he should be forced to coach in a blatantly racist part of the country where minorities outnumber white people. I'm thinking an SEC school.

Judge: Mr. Mann, are you done talking yet because everyone stopped listening about five minutes ago. Mr. Kennedy is at an SEC school you idiot.

Mann: Wow, this whole thing is starting to make a lot of sense now your honor.

Judge: Shut your mouth, I've made my decision, we're going to give Mr. Kennedy the Chris Henry sentence. Do you agree with that Mr. Henry?

Chris Henry: You know what the funny thing is your honor, the night he (Kennedy) got arrested, I was just leaving the Mason High School Winter Formal with my two drunk underage sophomore dates. Coach Kennedy was supposed to meet us in the back of a closed tattoo parlor with a box of condoms, some shoe shine and season three of Hannah Montana, but he never showed... (interrupted by Kennedy)

Kennedy: Chris, can you please close your mouth and never talk again.

Judge: Mr. Kennedy, after thinking long and hard... (interrupted by Kennedy's wife)

Kimberly: Did someone just say long and hard?

Judge: Wow Mrs. Kennedy, you are a female Charlie Sheen. Anyway, Mr. Kennedy, I have decided that your drunken display of mistaken identity (Hussein sighting) and vigilance (trying to stop Bin Laden) will garner you six months probation, $100 in fines and 40 hours community service. Case Dismis- (Allen interrupts)

Allen: Hold on your honor, we have a character witness.

Judge: Mr. Allen what the hell are you talking about, I just gave Mr. Kennedy the same sentence I would give someone who littered for the first time, I really can't do much better.

Allen: I call Bob Huggins to the stand...

Chris Henry: Bob Who?

Kennedy: Chris, you live in Cincinnati, you went to West Virginia and you don't know who Bob Huggins is, see, this is why we don't hang out any more. Well, that and because your black...

Everyone in the courtroom GASPS!

(To be Continued... actually it won't be, but it might be)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Madden Retires, Caliendo Won't be Funny Anymore and Collinsworth Takes Over

By Ryan Rosenthorn III/Contributing Writer

(Ryan Rosenthorn III will periodically be contributing to INSIC. He's not a writer by trade, but he likes tacos and the Bengals which in John Breech's eyes qualified him to write for this site.)

Frank TV was cancelled after one season (which was one season too many), yet, somehow, TBS made the show last long enough to subject us to its insufferable promos every single commercial break during the last two years of the National League Championship Series.

Many of you may not even know who Frank Caliendo is (the namesake and lead in Frank TV), if you don't, don’t worry; your life is probably the better for it. I knew him as the portly, kind of funny guy from the few episodes I caught of MADtv, however if you weren’t one of the seventeen people in the world who watched MAD, then you might know him from his gig on the 'NFL on FOX' pre-game show where he appears as himself, John Madden, and sometimes a few other people.

I’ll admit that his Madden impersonation is pretty spot-on and entertaining at times, but there are three things on Fox NFL Sunday that are even more entertaining: Howie Long getting visibly pissed when “Madden” insults him, hearing Terry Bradshaw cackle like a hyena for an hour, and watching Jimmy Johnson’s hair to see if it moves (In eight years, his hair hasn’t moved once, I counted).

Somehow Caliendo parlayed his stand-up act, heavy on Madden impersonations, into the FOX gig, which eventually led to the Frank TV show, and it just didn’t work. Like cocaine, meth, and robitussin, impersonations are fun in small doses, but they don’t work for a half hour, and they definitely don’t work in a live-action format (I just can’t buy into a fat Robin Williams). Caliendo does have some other funny impersonations (Charles Barkley comes to mind), but some others are terrible (like everything else he does).

Without a doubt his bread and butter is John Madden, and the announcement of Madden’s retirement last week probably didn’t come as welcome news to Caliendo. Although, Will Ferrell did pull off doing Harry Caray after Caray died, but Will Ferrell is Will Ferrell, and Frank Caliendo is…well, not that funny.

However, Caliendo’s predicament isn’t the only dilemma arising from Madden’s retirement. There are a myriad of unanswered questions. Among them; who will provide the ever-lasting man love for Brett Favre (did Madden retire because Brett finally did, or did they plan it together while sharing a plate of spaghetti, ala Lady and the Tramp)?

Who will speak to the 'everyman' that Madden purportedly reached better than any announcer ever (is the everyman an idiot)?

Who will promote the hellish creature known as the Turducken (does anyone know what a Turducken is)?

Will Madden continue to provide his voice for the Madden video game (or do they have some Mission Impossible-esque computer program that can say anything in Madden’s voice? Because if they do, that would be another blow to Caliendo).

Who will point out insanely obvious things to millions of viewers ('Here’s a guy that when he wears his contact lenses, he can see better')?

What will become of the Outback Steakhouse Madden Cruiser?

Without a doubt the above questions and a multitude of others related to Madden’s effect on the world will be debated in college courses, position papers, and at the UN for years to come. Let’s try and answer the most important question, like what's going to happen to Madden’s bus, which looks like an Outback restaurant on wheels.

With Cris Collinsworth coming into the fold, I propose that the Outback Steakhouse Madden Cruiser be replaced by the Skyline Chili Cheese Coney Crismobile to represent his Cincinnati roots. It would be pretty simple to put together, just take the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile and throw all the delicious coney toppings on the roof (does the wiener mobile have a roof).

Although after thinking about it, this idea might not work since Skyline refuses to expand beyond a 200-mile radius from its Fairfield facility (yet they inexplicably have 5 locations in Florida). People outside of Cincinnati will wonder why Collinsworth is riding around in a Oscar Meyer mobile covered with chili that looks like the inside of a dirty diaper.

On the other hand, this idea would probably have a chance to work if the Bengals had any primetime games this season. Have you noticed that every time a primetime game is played in Cincinnati, the network has to show at least once, the preparation that goes into a Skyline Chili Cheese Coney (we’re not splitting the atom here, folks)? Not to mention, it seems like they also require the announcers to mention that they stopped at Skyline during their time in town. And we all know what the announcers are actually thinking, ‘Jesus, I would rather eat three turduckens and a child then this Cincinnati chili crap.’

Is Cincinnati really so boring that the only filler shots they have during games are Skyline Chili related? The only other city shot I could think of anyone using is Fountain Square, and even then a majority of the national audience would think: “That’s quaint, I have a fountain in my backyard.” Other cities have stuff, why don’t we?

Philly has the Liberty Bell, New York has Times Square, Chicago has the Sears Tower, and Pittsburgh has…well, bad example, that city is going nowhere faster than you can say Detroit. Plus, they’re a living conundrum; they have one of the smallest populations of an NFL city, but seemingly one of the largest fan bases? Let's just say that what I'm thinking rhymes with 'barefeather pans.'

But back to Collinsworth; I’m curious if people outside of Cincinnati even know that he’s a former Bengal. He is well spoken, on the right side of the law, and very successful, all traits that people don’t associate with the current crop of Bengals. Or former players for that matter (e.g. Carl Pickens, Corey Dillon, ‘Dead Beat Dad’ Darnay Scott), and sorry Mr. Anthony Munoz, you were an excellent player and maybe even a better person, but those e-mails I get from Nigeria are more convincing than your acting. Which reminds me of a random story: A friend of mine, upon meeting Munoz years ago, told him that he was his favorite actor ever (Munoz was in The Right Stuff and who doesn’t love his Furniture Fair commercials); Munoz is usually a nice guy, but after this ‘compliment,’ I half expected to have to retrieve my friend’s head two hundred yards from his body.

I think Collinsworth will do well in replacing Madden, he has proven himself over the last few years to be probably the best NFL analyst around. Although, I could see someone debating that, because when you sit next to Dan Marino and Cris Carter for five years, all you really have to do is show up sober and put a coherent thought together. The world will certainly be a different place without John Madden announcing, but don’t feel sorry for Caliendo because we all know he’ll continue to beat (and have sex with) the dead horse that is his Madden impersonation.

(Coming tomorrow, the unedited transcript of Former Bearcat Coach Andy Kennedy's day in court. Only INSIC has it and we illegally obtained it. We don't think you'll want to miss this, unless you're an Indian Cab driver of course)

Baby Mama Movie Review

(Since it is the one year anniversary of Baby Mama's release into theaters, John Breech decided to review the movie. All movie reviews on It's Never Sunny In Cincinnati will be limited to a maximum of one paragraph)

By John Breech/Staff

Baby Mama is the worst movie I have ever seen. I didn't laugh once. Schindler's List was funnier.

1 out of 7 Stars

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Unemployment Rate in Michigan Reaches 100 Percent

By John Breech/Staff

In a shocking sign that the economic downturn is nowhere near over, the unemployment rate in Michigan this week reached an astounding new high; 100 percent. Everyone in the state is now out of a job.

Michigan resident Jennifer Granholm, who was Governor until she found herself unemployed yesterday, took it in stride, "After President Obama fired [GM CEO] Rick Wagoner, we knew it was only a matter of time," says the ex-governor. "I think the real shocker was when the NFL left the Lions off the 2009 schedule, I mean nobody saw that coming."

When the NFL announced the schedule Tuesday, the Lions were widely expected to be on it. However, new head coach Jim Schwartz knew something was up when he noticed that Chicago, Green Bay and Minnesota all had three byes on their schedule, "Every other team gets one bye, then the NFC North teams got three," Schwartz says. "I kept thinking 'bull [crap],' we were suppose to have the Bengals on our schedule this year, we had a legitmate shot at a win."

Tuesday night the NFL issued a press release announcing that each Lions player would be available in a dispersal draft on Wednesday, however, as of today (4/18) not one Lions player has been picked up by another team.

The Lions weren't the only bad news for the state, also on Wednesday, while she was still Governor, Granholm gave a state of the state address announcing all the jobs cuts.

"As most of you have heard, Mr. Wagoner and the Detroit Lions are all out of jobs," Granholm said in her speech that was televised live in Lansing. "Well, its actually worse then it appears, our top three industries; manufacturing, tourism and agriculture have taken such large hits that we are going to have to lay off everyone in the state, including myself."

At that moment, Granholm's speech ended because the cameraman, who was employed by the state's public broadcasting station, no longer had a job. Also, Granholm stopped talking because she figured no one was listening since she was no longer Governor.

Most economists agree that Granholm had no choice, "After President Obama took over GM, Chrysler and Ford, then combined those companies into one and then moved that company to Honduras, I was pretty sure the Michigan job market would suffer," said expert economist John Yaddle, who probably has a Harvard degree. "Not to mention, tourism dropped from 6 million people in 2007 to 28 in 2008, that's the state's second biggest source of income."

Yaddle also pointed out that Michigan State's appearance in the Final Four actually hurt the Great Lakes state. "If they [MSU] let Louisville win [in the elite eight], then you get several thousand stupid Kentuckians up here spending money like the state's economic infrastructure depends on it, which it actually would have."

Another casualty of the cuts will be the state's public Universities as they will all have to close - this came as good news to Ohio State fans. "Honestly, it [Ohio State-Michigan] wasn't even a rivalry anymore," said an anonymous Ohio State fan. "Since Tressel got here, we've been beating them like a mixed race step child."

The extensive job loss in Michigan led Toledo, Ohio mayor Carty Finkbeiner to announce that his city will host a job fair for Michiganians. "Jennifer Granholm called me and told me she had a plan to hold a [job] fair at Michigan Stadium, however, at 100 percent unemployment, she found out there was no one to work the fair. So the City of Toledo is proud to announce that we will be stepping in and having a job fair Sunday open to all Michigan residents, including former Detroit Lions players. All you need to do is bring some proof of Michigan residenceship and a 500 word essay on how bad your life sucked in Michigan."

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Pirate Attacks Causing Sales Slide and Hostage Situations at Long John Silver's

By John Breech/Staff

Hostages aren't the only people suffering at the hands of the pirates. According to Long John Silver's executive Vice President Mark Black, his company is suffering too.

"Just two nights ago, at a restaurant in Detroit, a customer took one of our cashier's hostage." Black says. "Thankfully, that incident ended peacefully because the hostage was let go after giving her captor's a free chicken planks platter."

According to the VP, hostage taking is only one of the problems. Black says Long John Silver's sales have declined over 83 percent since the first pirate attack just over two weeks ago. What's alarming, he says, is that people are assuming pirates work at Long John Silver's simply because the restaurant is named after a pirate. Not even remotely true says Black.

He also said that nationwide, the number of cashier's being taken hostage has shot up ten-fold. "This stuff used to happen all the time in Detroit, but we would just shake it off, I mean, it's Detroit, half the people there are homeless" he says. "But when it started happening in other cities, the higher ups got a little worried."

The low point for the fish chain may have come last night at their highest selling store, "Our Savannah Georgia branch once sold 14,000 Ultimate Fried Fish Sandwiches in one day," Black bragged before admitting that he couldn't quite put his finger on why the fried fish sold so well down south. "Last night, they don't sell one."

The "Savannah Shocker," as Long John Silvers top executives have tabbed it, has led to a complete overhaul of how the seafood restaurant is going to do business. "Look at Red Lobster," says Black. "They sell seafood and their cashiers aren't being taken hostage, their sales aren't affected by pirates."

Long John Silver's has decided to attack the problem by going a route that they know many people might protest, "We're not proud of it, but we're going gay," says Black. "A lot of kids growing up would call us Long DONG Silver's, so we knew we had built-in brand awareness. Our chicken fingers and fish stix will be shaped more like the male anatomy, which we think women and gay men will enjoy that much more. And in-store testing has indicated that kids won't notice a thing."

Black says that the new Long Dong Silver will only employ men and that the first made-over restaurant will open in Pittsburgh because as he eloquently puts it, "Everyone there is pretty gay."

Black also emphasized that this isn't a permanent thing, "As soon as the pirates are gone, we'll go back to the way we've been doing business since 1969, although we'll probably close all our stores in Detroit and send more Ultimate Fried Fish Sandwiches to Savannah."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Bengals Hall Gets DUI... On Purpose?

By John Breech/Staff

One week after Leon Hall's DUI arrest, the truth about the incident is slowly beginning to trickle out. According to anonymous sources in the Bengals locker room, Hall was beginning to feel the pressure of not having a criminal record.

One Bengals player, who chose to remain anonymous, tells it like this, "First we sign Cedric [Benson] and then there's a rumor that we're going to sign Tank [Johnson, who the Bengals did sign two days after Hall's arrest] and a lot of minds in this locker room started wandering," said the nameless player. "Leon was freaking out, the prevailing thought in the locker room was that if you didn't have a criminal record, you were going to get cut from the team."

The source gave as many details as he could surrounding Hall's arrest, "Apparently, Leon called Stripes [Chris Henry's locker room nickname because he's always wearing jail stripes] in a panic and said something like 'Chris, I got a baby on the way, I can't lose my job, if there is one person on this team that can get me arrested, it's you.'"

At that point, the source said Henry was more then happy to oblige, "Apparently Chris was inviting over Sycamore High School's freshman girls soccer team to his house. Henry promised Hall that there would be whiskey, some goldfish crackers, a game of strip Uno and plenty of people arrested, he also assured him that there would be nothing legal about what they were doing, so Leon jumped on board."

Then, around 2 a.m., Hall, who is known as a reasonably good guy in the locker room, left the party when Chris got a little too crazy, "I'm not sure what exactly happened, but I heard that Henry was trying to get a game of duck, duck, touch Chris going," says the source. "Leon's a good guy, so he got the hell out of there." The source also indicated that Hall knew he was in trouble when Henry tried to convince him that the legal age of consent in Ohio is six.

However, Hall left the party frustrated, as he still wasn't under arrest, so he called Benson, a veteran of riding in the back of police cars. Benson allegedly had a short conversation with Hall that supposedly went something like this:

CB: "Leon, stop panicking yo, are you drunk?"
LH: "Yea,"
CB: "Are you driving?"
CB: "Are you black,"
LH: "Yea,"
CB: "Is it past midnight?"
LH: "Yea,"
CB: "Your as good as arrested homey."

Clermont County police released this statement: It's not just Leon Hall, Deltha O'Neal was arrested for DUI here two and a half years ago. We believe that Bengal player DUI's in Clermont County is starting to become an epidemic, therefore we are putting together a "Bengals DUI taskforce" whose sole purpose will be to arrest Bengals players or big black men that look like Bengals players after 11 p.m. We think this taskforce has the potential to cut County crime in half by the end of next week.

A Bengals fan at Hall's arraignment wondered aloud, "If they're playing drunk as often as they're driving drunk, that would sure explain a lot."

(The image at the top of the page is a game day photo of Leon Hall. It is the only photo I could find from a 2008 game where Hall is making anything resembling a play on the ball. Alright, I won't insult your intelligence, the photo is from an imaginary interception Hall had against the Pittsburgh Steelers in a game of Madden 09, it was provided by monsterconsole.com)

Coming tomorrow: Have Cincinnati Sports fans already given up on 2009? Its Never Sunny In Cincinnati (INSIC) will answer this question. Hint: Tomorrow's post will include Sean Miller, Miami Hockey, Tank Johnson and the fact that Fox Sports Ohio turned off the Reds game last night in the bottom of the 9th with the Reds up 7-6 and Milwaukee at the plate.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Low Prices Lure John to Wal-Mart

By John Breech/Staff

Last Saturday, after a long day at work, Alpharetta resident John Breech decided to make a visit to the local Wal-Mart. "I only had $11 in my wallet and that's like $1000 at Wal-Mart," said Breech. The 27-year-old bought several necessities, including Captain Crunch, english muffins and frozen pizza. However, John was disgusted when he reached the check-out lane. "I have all of three items, so naturally I make my way to the 12 items or less check out lane," he said. "Then, who's in front me, Georgia's version of Octo-mom. She had at least five times more items then you're suppose to have in this lane." Breech fumed. "Honestly, if she didn't obviously have 17 kids, I would have kicked her in the vagina... can I say vagina in the paper? I can say something else if you want."

Breech guessed that the woman had around 17 kids because her grocery cart was filled with two things: hot dogs and spam (see accompanying picture). "I know the economy's down, but are you really suppose to be feeding your kids this stuff," wondered Breech, who has no kids that he's aware of. "And if that wasn't bad enough, she didn't even buy buns for the hot dogs, talk about the worst mom ever. My brother used to punch the dog when my mom didn't buy buns," Breech said.

According to Breech, getting the pictures of the spam and hot dog buffet was no easy task, "I pretended like I was texting a friend, but my phone was obviously pointed at the grotesque amount of food on the check out counter, but ironically, I think Octo-mom was distracted by an US Weekly article about the real Octo-Mom."

After he left, Breech vowed to never visit Wal-Mart again. "I was in line for three hours, I could have spent that time writing on Jeff Binkowski's facebook wall about how bad the Steeler's suck even though they've won two Super Bowls in the last four years."

Finally, Breech would like to point out that the amount of food on the check-out counter was only about one-fourth of what was in the cart.