Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Bengals Don't Waste Any Time Getting Terrell Owens Playbook Ready

The news of Terrell Owens signing with the Bengals is less than 18 hours old, but as you can see in the picture above, the team wasted no time in getting T.O.'s playbook ready.

The funniest thing about the playbook picture above is this: take a gander at Chad's playbook. The man changed his last name to Ochocinco two years ago, but Marvin Lewis doesn't seem to care, the playbook still says "Chad Johnson."

By the way as Chad sauntered in to Georgetown today for training camp, he had a bold statement for reporters, telling them it would be "a fucking shame if we don't win the Super Bowl."

So now you're probably wondering, "great, Chad thinks we're going to win a Super Bowl, that must mean every game is a sellout this this year, right?"

Geoff Hobson over at has this report from the Bengals ticket office:

Andrew Brown, director of ticket sales, said Wednesday morning that since the news of Owens' signing broke Tuesday night the Bengals have sold more season tickets than they did all last week combined. Brown called action "brisk but not overwhelming," and said single-game tickets have also spiked with the Sept. 19 home opener against the Ravens in the lead. The Nov. 8 Monday night game against the Steelers has already been hot and Brown says tickets are limited.

It sounds like Brown is saying the Bengals sold eight season tickets last week and they have beaten that total by already selling nine this week.

Oh and one more thing: to the people in the Bengals front office: If the negotiation team worked half as fast as the playbook production team, Jermaine Gresham would have been signed the day after the draft.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Cris Collinsworth and TNT's Craig Sager Star in "INSIC's Awesome Pictures of the Week"

Yesterday we promised you pictures of TNT's NBA sideline reporter Craig Sager. Today we provide them in our new Tuesday segment called "INSIC's Awesome Pictures of the Week."

Although please keep in mind that there is a very good chance that our new Tuesday segment won't run next Tuesday or ever again.

Former Bengals wide receiver Cris Collinsworth is in the picture at the top of the page. Every year, Bengals fans debate whether or not Collinsworth is a true fan, this picture should finally put that argument to rest. He has whiskers for God's sake.

C-squared sported the face paint in New York today on the set of Inside the NFL.

Now lets get to the Craig Sager picture we promised you.

In the shot below, Sager is standing on the 18th green at the Atlanta Athletic Club in Johns Creek, Georgia. When it comes to picking out clothes, it's quite clear that Sager is either color blind or shops with a blindfold on. If you ever see him, please ask him which one it is and relay the answer back to us.

When Sager isn't golfing, you can usually find him in one of his goofy suits (pictured below).

If the Stock Market Crashes Today, Blame the Cast of Jersey Shore

While ringing the opening bell on Wall Street today, the cast of Jersey Shore proved one thing: the New York Stock Exchange no longer has any standards when it comes to selecting 'famous' (and we use that term loosely) people to open up the trading day.

Today, Snooki, the Situation, Pauly D, J-Woww and some other people with weird nicknames made their way to the trading floor to ring the opening bell. This was all to promote season 2 of Jersey Shore, which kicks off on MTV on Thursday. Of course if you're a female between the ages of 15 and 29, you already knew that Jersey Shore kicks off Thursday because you've had your DVR set for it since December.

Our second favorite Jersey Shore cast member, Angelina Pivarnick, had a Facebook status update this morning that said her and the jersey gang were headed to Wall Street to ring the bell. We thought she was playing a terrible joke on humanity. Well it turns out she wasn't lying.

By the way, if you want to see pictures of Pivarnick's cleavage (like the one below), you're going to have to befriend on her on Facebook because Angelina got the boot for season 3 (or she quit, depending on whom you believe). According to every gossip site on the internet, this is Pivarnick's final season on the show.

Unfortunately this isn't the first time we've tortured our readers with a Jersey Shore themed post. In February, we chastised Ochocinco for embarrassing the Bengals organization, his city and his family when he posed for a picture with Pauly D and the Situation.

He still hasn't apologized.

Monday, July 26, 2010

T.O. to the Bengals is Only a Signature Away From Happening

Just what the world needed: the new TMZ Sports Department to start gaining credibility. On the totem pole of respectable sports sites, TMZ ranks right below us and right above this blog. However, thanks to their Terrell Owens report Friday, they are slowly moving up.

On Friday, the same website that shows live feeds of Linsday Lohan court hearings, one upped everyone in the NFL world (Adam Schefter, Everyone at ESPN, Profootballtalk, Chris Mortensen, Jay Glazer, Jason La Canfora, Peter King) when they reported that Terrell Owens signing with the Bengals was 'imminent.'

(Was Adam Schefter asleep at the wheel when the T.O. rumors started. ESPN's favorite insider refuted TMZ's initial Terrell Owens to the Bengals report)

After TMZ broke the news, every sports reporter in the country laughed at them, then they laughed some more and then when they were finally done laughing, they 'rebuked' the Terrell Owens to the Bengals story with their own 'sources.'

Today, it looks like TMZ's tip paid off. At 4:42 p.m., Enquirer Bengals beat writer Joe Reedy tweeted:

Why did this all happen?

Why didn't we just sign T.O. in March?

Great questions.

Back in March, the Bengals went with Antonio Bryant, even though everybody knows that there are middle school chess players with more receiving talent than Antonio Bryant.

The Bengals finally realized this and now they're trying to bring T.O. to town.

Anyway, lets just point out one more thing: there is a currently someone on the Bengals coaching staff that is going to have a resume that looks like this:

Convinced Cincinnati to sign untalented, washed up receiver Laveranues Coles to completely overpriced contract.

Convinced Cincinnati to sign untalented, washed up receiver Antonio Bryant to completely overpriced contract.

Alright, we're going to close with this, here's our final take from Bryant's March signing, as we wrote on March 10:

Final Take: If we were Mike Brown, besides selling the team to a really rich, win-at-all costs owner, we would probably have gone with T.O. It would have been cheaper and we would have only had to sign him to a one or two year deal.

Coming tomorrow: TNT NBA sideline reporter Craig Sager doesn't just wear ridiculous outfits on the basketball court, he wears them on the golf course.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Cincinnati Bengals Fans Will Be Among First to Answer this Question: Can You Kill Someone With New Xbox Kinect?

If you're a normal human being, chances are, you don't follow the video game industry.

On the lowly scale of "people who are huge losers and probably have no friends": there are stamp collectors, male Twilight fans, bloggers (like us) and at the very bottom, there are video game bloggers.

If you know a video game blogger, they're probably not your friend, mainly because there day goes like this: six hours of Playstation 3, eight hours of Xbox, six hours of Wii, three hours and 52 minutes of sleep, eight minutes for eating and going to the bathroom. There's just not a lot of time in there for friends.

Anyway, the point here is that the Nintendo Wii outsells every other system. However, Microsoft is going to try and beat them this fall with something called the Kinect.

We don't want to call the people at Microsoft liars, but here's what they claim the Kinect can do:

1. They claim it can have sex with you.

2. They claim you won't have to go to church anymore because you'll just
be able to worship the system.

3. They claim it can launch surface-to-air-missiles at select Middle Eastern countries.

4. They say it can be played without a controller.

Three of the above claims are lies. To us, number three seems the most believable.

Since we don't know what to believe, lets let an actual video game blogger describe the system:

Microsoft’s big reveal at this year’s E3 was the Xbox 360 Kinect. It is a new peripheral for the 360 that allows players to interact with the console using their body as the controller. The Kinect is essentially a camera mounted on or near your T.V. and is able to detect the movement of the human body. Microsoft boasts that this control method will be the most intuitive way to take control of your games.

So what's the point of this whole post?

Before Kinect comes out in November, Microsoft has decided to force it on the country (like Ben Roethlisberger forcing himself on any underage girl at a bar) by taking the Kinect on a tour of a select few American cities.

August 4-8, the "Kinect the Country" tour will be in Canton for the Hall-of-Fame induction celebrations and the Bengals-Cowboys game.

So if you're a Bengals fan heading to Canton and you get to play the Kinect; please let us know which Middle Eastern Countries you bombed and what sexual position it likes best.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Did the Super Bowl XLIV Game Program Make a Big Mistake or is the Saints Roman Harper a Master of Disguise: You Decide

We don't know who picks out the player photos for the NFL's Super Bowl program, but chances are that person was fired on February 8.

Earlier today, an astute reader sent us New Orleans safety Roman Harper's Super Bowl program picture (Top of page). The only problem, that's not Roman Harper in the picture. It's actually New Orleans second-year wide receiver Rod Harper. (The real Roman Harper is pictured at right, click on Rod Harper's name to see his picture).

Because of this egregious error, INSIC went ahead and put together of a list of mistakes that are OK to make and mistakes that are not OK to make.

Mistakes that are not OK:

1. Getting a stripper pregnant at your bachelor party.
2. Selling low grade cocaine to an undercover cop... at church
3. Putting the wrong picture of Roman Harper in a Super Bowl program.

Mistakes that are OK:

1. Accidentally getting a stripper pregnant during a threesome that consists of you, the stripper and a girl that looks like Megan Fox and might actually be Megan Fox but you can't tell because you are to drunk.

2. Sleeping in a maple syrup filled bath tub after a night of heavy drinking. And then waking up in the morning and beating the shit out of all your friends because they filled a bath tub with maple syrup.

3. Running over your girlfriends cat.

By the way, we don't think anyone ever told Roman about the mistake because he didn't tweet about it back in February.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

What Happens to Ochocinco in Vegas Apparently Doesn't Stay in Vegas

The last time someone from INSIC showed up at a casino in their underwear, three cops were called, four people spent the night in jail and a cat somehow ended up inside of a half empty bottle of tequila.

Of course, if you're The Ocho, you can do whatever you want in your underwear and not worry about consequences.

Chad was up early gambling this morning. He tweeted this photo to America around 9 a.m. Las Vegas time.

For our five Mexican readers out there, we had this next photo saved in case Mexico won the World Cup, but since they didn't, we might as well run it now.

Steelers fans are probably asking themselves: What's more annoying, Ochocinco or a vuvuzela?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Urine Trouble: Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger May or May Not Have Peed in Public Last Week

Just when you thought that Ben Roethlisberger only pulled out his penis in women's restrooms and Nevada hotel rooms, out comes a story today that Big Ben pulled out little Ben last Friday when he needed to relieve himself while playing a round of golf at Muirfield Country Club in Columbus. According to an eyewitness, the only thing that was sexually assaulted was a tree near the 17th green.

Here are the facts of the case:

1. On July 9, Roethlisberger and three buddies played golf at Muirfield. Muirfield is a course owned by Jack Nicklaus and its a course that annually hosts the Memorial.

2. A lady who lives along the course saw someone in the group take a pee between the 17th and 18th holes. So you're probably asking yourself one thing, "Why the hell couldn't he hold it for one more hole and then piss in the clubhouse. Crack babies and 90-year-old men pee whenever and wherever they want too, NFL quarterbacks do not." We were wondering the same thing.

3. When the witness described the anonymous pisser to police, the description fit Roethlisberger, however, the guys that played golf with Big Ben that day claim someone in their group peed on the course, but it wasn't Roethlisberger.

TMZ has more on the story, including the one page report filed with the Dublin Police Department.

Our take: Anyone with a penis between their legs has peed in public at least once
in their lives, but most people don't do it while their behavior is being strictly monitored by the NFL. Plus (and this is just an INSIC theory), when guys are peeing on golf courses, 99 percent of the time its because alcohol was involved. If that's that case here, Roethlisberger is probably going to have a tough time explaining to the commissioner why he's drinking in public (although he's allowed to drink) and why he's hanging out with people who pee in public (if it in fact was not him who peed). The INSIC lame pun machine says Roethlisberger just 'pissed' away his shot at getting his 6-game suspension reduced.

Oh and as an added bonus, it looks like Big Ben may have gotten laid the night before 'Pee-gate,' and it looks like he didn't even have to sexually assault the girl. How do we know? An Ohio State co-ed named Gretchen Cottam tweeted that she knew what room and what hotel Ben was in on Thursday night. Does that mean they had sex? No. But if they did, it looks like Ben's standards are very slowly going up (his 'hookup' is in red in the picture above).

Monday, July 12, 2010

Cincinnati Bengals Get Shout Out on Entourage

97.3 percent of the time, the Bengals get no respect. Sunday night on HBO, their 2.7 percent of national respect finally came, thanks to Dallas owner Jerry Jones.

The Cowboys owner guest starred on the July 11 episode of Entourage and instead of making fun of his NFC East opponents, he sat back and watched as Ari Gold's assistant Lizzy made fun of the NFL's most pathetic franchise, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

If you don't waste your money on HBO (no one smart does), then you might be saying: INSIC, please set up the episode for us.

Well, all right, here we go.

In the Vincent Chase world of Entourage, Ari is trying to earn the TV rights for the NFL. He has to convince a few important owners (like Jones) before he can make this happen.

Anyway, let's stop prefacing, just watch this video: Jones smiles as Ari Gold's assistant makes fun of fictional Steelers employee Lee Gordon -- the Ben Roethlisberger loving, sexual assaualt approving, Pittsburgh executive in the room -- it was a sight to behold.

Entourage is our new favorite show.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

National League Manager Charlie Manuel Explains Joey Votto All-Star Snub in Two Words: "He Sucks"

At a press conference today in Philadelphia, Phillies skipper Charlie Manuel -- who will be managing the 2010 National League All-Star team -- finally told reporters why he didn't put Cincinnati Reds first baseman Joey Votto on the NL roster.

"I'll be blunt," Manuel told the large contingent of media gathered at Citizen's Bank Ball Park. "He sucks. I've been evaluating baseball talent for over 30 years and Votto is the third worst player I have ever seen. The transgendered cashier I had at Kroger last night has more talent in his left hand than Votto has in his whole body."

After Manuel's statement, one reporter quickly pointed out that Votto is in the top five of almost every key statistical category (home runs, walks, on-base percentage, RBI's, slugging percentage, runs scored, batting average). Manuel shrugged that off, saying, "Does he have a World Series ring? Can he hit a triple? Has he ever gone out to a nice dinner at the Olive garden with the Philly Phanatic? No, no and no. He probably doesn't even know what's on the Olive Garden menu. No way he's on my All-Star team."

Manuel, who personally selected 10 of the team's 34 players, decided to give the third and final first baseman's roster spot to the Phillies Ryan Howard rather than Votto. The other first basemen on the team are Albert Pujols of St. Louis and Adrian Gonzalez of San Diego.

(If Votto -- pictured above -- isn't put on the National League roster, we can probably all agree that he'll be spending his All-Star break with the girl with the giant hoop earrings on the left)

"My dog R. How [Ryan Howard] is having a great season," Manuel said of his slugger. "I mean seriously, how could I leave How-Dog off the team? He's batting .296, he has 59 RBI's and 15 home runs. With those stats, forget the All-Star game, he should be named MVP of the World. When do they vote on that?"

When told there is no such award as "MVP of the World," Manuel replied, "There really should be and How-Dog really should win it."

Later in the press conference, Manuel was told that Votto has a National League leading 21 homers, which is actually more than Howard's 15, "That's just not impressive," Manuel said. "If Votto wants to hit his fancy nancy home runs, there's a contest for that, it's called a home run derby. R. How only has 15 home runs this year because he's hitting for average."

When Manuel was alerted to the fact that Votto -- who is batting .318 this season (22 points higher than Howard) -- is also hitting for average, he had a rebuttal for that, "My deaf niece could hit .300 at Great American Ball Park, probably .400 if she wasn't deaf," said Manuel. "If Votto played in Philadelphia at Citizen's Bank Ball Park, he would be batting .172, probably closer to .113 if he was deaf."

One writer then brought up the fact that Votto leads the National League in OPS (on-base percentage plus slugging percentage).

"Great, some crack smoking, meth addicted nut job who's probably related to [Red Sox General Manager] Theo Epstein or [A's GM] Billy Beane invents a stat and Votto leads the league in it, that's impressive." Manuel griped. "Here's one for you: guess who leads the league in most third inning hits after drinking purple Gatorade during day time road games? I'll give you a hint, it's not Joey Votto. It's my boy Ryan Howard. Anyone can make up a stat and make their guy look good."

Manuel did go on to say that although he doesn't know what sabermetrics are, he has always been fascinated by saber-toothed tigers.

After an hour of answering questions, Manuel began to look perturbed. He agreed to field one more question, which was something along the lines of "what if fans vote Votto into the last All-Star slot [The final National League roster spot will be handed out July 8 based on fan voting]."

Manuel had a simple answer for that, "I won't play him. Honestly, the guy is in the National League Central. There are bible camp wiffle ball leagues that are more competitive. If he goes up against a real pitcher in the All-Star game, my guess is that he will strike out three times and probably wet his pants."

(This is a fake story, Charlie Manuel didn't actually say any of these things. But there is a 50/50 chance that he thought them)