Thursday, March 31, 2011

Reds Opening Day 2011: Sorry Jacksonville, Milwaukee is Now the Jorts Capital of the U.S.

If the song YMCA is played at today's game, there's a 96 percent chance these
guys will be leading the choreography. 
Alright Reds fans who can't be at the game today, you're in luck. INSIC is stalking Twitter to bring you the best images from Opening Day.

If you missed the beginning of the game, Edinson Volquez is in playoff form. He gave up back-to-back home runs in the top of the first.

If Volquez's failures brought you to tears, hopefully the picture at the top of the page will make you thrilled that you weren't alive in the 70's and/or don't live in Milwaukee. Both are good things.

Oh and on a non 'Edinson Volquez is horrible' related note, we have an Opening Day tidbit to pass along: an INSIC source has learned that Pete Rose was not banned from baseball because of gambling, he was banned because he has worse taste in clothing than Craig Sager. We think Rose stole the coat below from Kramer who took it from the set of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Gambling didn't get Pete Rose banned from baseball, his
horrible taste in clothing did.

*Update* Several women have emailed us saying they want to see some 'leg' from these Brewers fans. Well ladies, you're in luck, someone at the game is sitting behind them and he got lots of leg in this picture.

INSIC is a family blog and this picture is more graphic than some soft core
pornos, but we're going to run it anyway. 

*Update* Volquez is getting lit up like a porn star in Charlie Sheen's guest house. The Reds trail 5-2 in the fifth inning after a homer by Milwaukee's Ryan Braun. But worry not Reds fans, the force is strong within this team.
"Win, the Reds must," -Yoda

*Update* The first order of business in tomorrow's Cincinnati city council meeting needs to be getting a 24-kt gold Ramon Hernandez statue built. The dude just went 4-for-5 including a walk-off 3-run home run to give the Reds a 7-6 Opening Day win over Milwaukee.

INSIC thinks the Reds need to go 162-0 and win all of their games on walk-off
home runs. 

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Mr. Redlegs + March Madness + St. Patrick's Day = One Drunk Mascot

Mr. Redlegs got to the bar at 6 a.m. this morning proving that everyone in
Cincinnati, is in fact, an alcoholic. Oh and ladies, we talked to Mr. Redlegs,
he would like you to know that mustache rides are not free.
In America, there are more St. Patrick's Day traditions then there are mixed raced babies in Kansas.
Is this a picture of bangers and mash or
is cooked Donkey penis a new St.
Patrick's Day tradition. You Decide!

On the food side of things, there's Bangers and Mash, Corned Beef and Cabbage and of course there's that thing that looks like a frat house toilet bowl that hasn't been cleaned in eight months: Shepherd's Pie.

On the beer side of things, Guiness, Harp and Green Bud Light are always popular. However, it's probably in your best interests not to order Green Miller Lite though, because if you do those stuck up stereotyping, profiling, bartending snobs in the Miller Lite commercials won't serve you.

On the other hand, if you're not into St. Patrick's Day beer or food, there's one tradition that's a little less known but still fun to partake in: drunk mascot sex. If you've never had drunk mascot sex on St. Patrick's Day, then technically you're still a virgin. And as everyone knows, being a virgin sucks, which is why, we are here to tell you how to score with a mascot tonight.

The secret to scoring with a mascot tonight: Find Mr. Redlegs, he was at a bar this MORNING, he is getting drunker by the second and by the time the Bearcat game tips off at 9:50 tonight, there's a good chance he'll be ready to have a 12-some with anyone over the age of 10.

And remember, if you do find Mr. Redlegs: drunk mascot sex is OK, drunk mascot rape is not.

Happy St. Patrick's/You might actually lose your virginity for real Day from INSIC.

By the way, in case you're wondering who to gamble your rent money on this afternoon, we like: Clemson, Old Dominion, Louisville, Temple, Kentucky, Pitt and Richmond. If you get drunk enough, feel free to make it an 7-team parlay.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Reds Will Be Honoring Their Biggest Fan on Opening Day: Charlie Sheen Will Throw Out First Pitch, Base Paths Will be Lined with Cocaine

Charlie Sheen posing with 90's coke partners: 90210's Dylan and Brandon.

Cincinnati Reds Press Release: Opening Day 2011

The Cincinnati Reds would like to announce that for Opening Day 2011, they will be honoring their biggest fan: Charlie Sheen.

"The Cincinnati Reds theme for the 2011 season is 'winning," Reds General Manager Walt Jocketty says. "Over the past six days, Charlie Sheen has made it pretty clear that he's only about 'winning, so we felt honoring him was a pretty logical move for the Cincinnati Reds. Not to mention, Charlie's from Dayton and he's been a huge Reds fan his whole life."

Sheen didn't take the no-hit playoff loss to the Phillies lightly he did
14 lines of coke and had one of the Goddesses give him a blumpkin. 

Jocketty says the team approached Sheen last Monday about throwing out the ceremonial first pitch and Sheen gladly accepted, but with one caveat: he wanted Great American Ball Park to serve tiger's blood instead of beer on Opening Day.

"Look, no one's denying that Charlie has tiger's blood in his veins and no one's denying that tiger's blood is a tasty substitute for beer, but the fact of the matter is that tiger's are an endangered species. The Reds organization didn't feel like we could get the amount of tiger's blood we would need to serve 45,000 thirsty fans, so we compromised with Charlie." Jocketty says.

Krivsky says that instead of tiger's blood, the team will line the base paths with cocaine. Major League Baseball approved the cocaine base paths, but only for Opening Day.

According to the Reds, it will take 900 pounds of cocaine
to line the base paths for Opening Day.
"The cocaine thing almost didn't happen," Krivsky points out. "Charlie wanted pure Colombian-grade stuff, which the Reds haven't had access to since the 1980's, so Charlie put me in touch with Colombian President Alvaro Uribe."

The two sides then hashed out a deal: the Reds would give the Colombian President two opening day Diamond Seats for every 90 pounds of cocaine the Colombian President gave them. It took 900 pounds of coke, so the Reds were forced to give up 20 Diamond Seats.

"I'm very well-aware that 90 pounds of coke is worth more than two baseball tickets," President Uribe says. "However, after the death of Pablo Escobar in 1993, our drug-based economy fell on hard times and since 1995 Charlie has somehow managed to single-handedly keep the Colombian drug market alive. So I consider this a favor to Charlie."

When asked about how good Colombian grade cocaine is, Sheen gave it a ringing endorsement, "If you try it once, you will die," Sheen said of the coke. "Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

Asked if he would throw a strike with the ceremonial first pitch, Sheen answered in typical Sheen fashion, "My success rate is 100 percent, do the math."

First pitch for the Reds will be on March 31 when they play the Milwaukee Brewers.

(The Charlie Sheen quotes are actual quotes that we've completely taken  out of context, but not really because you can't actually take Charlie Sheen out of context)