Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Bengals Running Back Cedric Benson Arrested in Texas

If you're a Cincinnati Bengals fan, over the past 5 years you've probably heard enough 'Bengals arrest' jokes to last a lifetime. Well, we have some bad news. Thanks to Cedric Benson, there is a 107 percent chance that all of your Browns, Ravens and Steeler fan friends will be polishing off their uncreative arsenal of "ha ha ha ha, the Bengals stripes are prison stripes, ha ha ha," jokes.

If they do this, you have every right to punch them in the face. Or casually mention the name Ben Roethlisberger and if it gets real ugly, let your Ravens fan friend know that Baltimore is employing a wide receiver (Donte Stallworth) that actually killed another human being. Even if everyone on the Bengals roster gets arrested this summer, that's always a nice trump card to have, right Donte.

Anyway, here is the report from The Statesman (Austin, TX) on Benson's assault arrest, the arrested occurred today (Benson posted bail and bolted Austin), the actual assault occurred on May 30:

Former University of Texas football player Cedric Benson was arrested and charged with assault with injury early today after an incident last month at Annie’s West at 706 West Sixth Street, where officials said he punched a bar employee in the face.

The 27-year-old current running back for the Cincinnati Bengals had been involved in an altercation at the establishment and was being escorted out when he punched an employee, according to an arrest affidavit.

The affidavit said the May 30 incident began at 1:50 a.m. when a fight began between Benson and an unknown person inside the bar. Club staff separated them, at which time Benson shoved a manager “in an attempt to continue the fight he was previously engaged in,” the affidavit said.

The affidavit said Benson spit blood from his injured lip at a bar employee.

Workers then asked Benson several times to leave.

“Benson refused, and was escorted out of the bar,” the affidavit said.

Outside, the affidavit said employees tried to prevent him from going back in. At that point, he punched “with his right fist to the left side” of an employee’s face, causing the employee to stumble backwards.

Reached on his cell phone, Benson asked the American-Statesman to call him later today.

Benson has posted bail and has been released from the Travis County Jail, according to jail records and officials.

He faces up to a year in jail if convicted of the Class A misdemeanor.

Benson started four years at running back for the University of Texas, from 2001 to 2004, after leading Midland Lee High School to three state championships.

The Chicago Bears drafted him with the fourth selection of the 2005 NFL draft. He was released in 2008. He signed a one-year contract that season with the Cincinnati Bengals and signed a two-year, $7-million contract with the team in 2009. In 2008, Benson was arrested for two alcohol-related incidents, but a Travis County grand jury declined to indict him and charges were dropped.

The most amazing part of this whole thing is that Benson was able to keep this under wraps for almost a month. Oh and in case you're wondering, this is Benson's fifth arrest in his lifetime (third since he's been in the NFL), which means he is slowly creeping into Pacman Jones territory (six arrests). And if the Cincinnati Police Department has any officers working the undercover cocaine beat, Matt Jones will probably be facing his third arrest by mid-July.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The United States Wins 1-0 over Algeria: How Did the World React? Watch the Video and Find Out

We reacted to the U.S. 1-0 win over Algeria by throwing rice, throwing cat litter and throwing small children into the air. Unfortunately, we didn't film it, which is rather ironic because it seems that everyone else in the world DID film their reaction to Donovan's goal. Youtube has the proof. And if you're a soccer fan, get a kleenex before you watch the video, because you might shed a tear of joy knowing that your sport is now almost being taken seriously.

(Editor's Note: Because we're technologically inept, about half the screen in the video below is cut off. If you're a normal person who likes watching non-cutoff videos, here's the link to the the video on Youtube.)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

What a Week for the Nati: Ochocinco Shows up for Camp, Giant Jesus Burns, Kroger is selling Ice Cream that Kills People and its only Tuesday

Last week we made a joke about Giant Jesus burning to the ground. This week it actually happened.

Sick of being mocked by his 62-foot tall son, God decided to finally do something about it.

Late last night, in a vengeance filled rage that the Earth hasn't seen since the 7th plague was unleashed on man, Giant Jesus (or 'Touchdown Jesus' as Non-Notre Dame fans call him) was struck down when fire, water and brimstone shot from the skies. (In non-biblical terms, Giant Jesus was struck by lightning during a crazy thunderstorm. He then caught on fire and slowly burnt over the course of two hours).

Big Butter Jesus (as the people who didn't call him Giant Jesus or Touchdown Jesus called him) was built in 2004. He was 6-years-old. In Giant Jesus time, that is an eternity, so do not feel sorry for him.

Ochocinco Returns to Cincinnati

The good thing about Giant Jesus burning to the ground: Cincinnati doesn't need him this week anyway. Late Monday, the city's other savior that's not Giant Jesus, Chad Ochocinco, flew into town just in time for the Bengals first mandatory mini camp.

Last week quarterback Carson Palmer had some not so nice words to say about Chadly.

What exactly did you say again Carson?

"It would be great to have our No. 1 receiver here and working him in and building around him," Palmer told the media last week. "We've tried moving guys around. Maybe they're trying to find a new No. 1 receiver because it's hard to work your offense in without that guy around."

Carson, you sound like a girl from MTV's Fresh Meat 2, you need to stop complaining. Chad showed up when he had too, not to mention, you have other things to worry about, like the Kroger ice cream that's killing people.

The Kroger Ice Cream that's Killing People, but hasn't Killed Anyone Yet

If you like ice cream and you shop at Kroger, then you should thank God and Giant Jesus that you're not dead right now. The Cincinnati-based grocer announced today that their Deluxe Chocolate Paradise Ice Cream could kill you.

At this point, you're probably asking yourself three questions:

1. Is the ice cream laced with cyanide? (No, it's not cyanide).

2. Is this part of Kroger's diabolical plan to end the obesity epidemic by killing people who overindulge on ice cream? (Lets not rule this one out just yet)

3. Did Kroger accidentally put tree nuts in the ice cream that instantly kills people with nut allergies? (Bingo. Although we're slightly exaggerating when we say 'instantly kills.' It's actually a slow painful death. Like burning for two straight hours, right Giant Jesus?)

*UPDATE* If you're one of those people that likes to take pictures of burnt up Giant Jesus remains, you might want to rethink this. The Cincinnati Enquirer is reporting on their Twitter page that local police will be "ticketing motorists on I-75 who stop to gawk" at the charred skeletal remains of Giant Jesus.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger Wants to Know: Would you Have Sex with Him in This Bathroom?

(On 6/9/10, the Georgia Bureau of Investigation (GBI) released over 50 photos related to the Roethlisberger case. Pictured above is the bathroom in Milledgeville where little Ben got Big Ben into trouble. And no, the irony is not lost on us that the pictures were released on '69' day (6/9/10). The GBI, does in fact, have a since of humor)

Three months ago, Ben Roethlisberger was accused of sexual assault.

Chances are, when you first heard about the story you asked yourself three questions:

1. Shouldn't it be easy for someone worth $100 million to get laid?

2. If I cheer for the Steelers in 2010, does that mean I'm cheering for sexual assault?

3. If Roethlisberger and Lindsay Lohan had a child, would it get drunk every night and sexually assault itself?

4. If you're a girl, you're probably wondering what the victim was wearing, because girls think about stuff like that.

5. And if you're a guy, you probably wondered if the girl was hot, why? Because thats all guys care about.

Well, your favorite Pro-Cincinnati, anti-Roethlisberger/Steelers blog on the internet is going to answer all of those questions with short, simple concise sentences.
1. You would think so.
2. Yes.
3. Most likely.
4. See picture below.
5. The victim's face is blurred out, so we're going to judge her based completely on her body.

As you can clearly see in the picture below, the only person that should have been arrested on March 5 was Ben's accuser, if her dress isn't a crime against fashion, then we don't know what is. (She is posing with the Steeler's Willie Colon in this picture).

Is it just us, or in the picture below, does Ben's face scream "I don't care if its with a guy, a girl or an animal, but I am going to have sex in a bathroom stall tonight,"

As you can plainly see, the VIP areas in Milledgeville bars are rivaled by only those in Las Vegas. This is the roped off area where Ben and his friends were treating underage girls to shots of patron.

For those of you that found this site when you googled "Lindsay Lohan, Illegitimate child, Las Vegas Strip Club, cocaine line with a pirate," you know who you are, you're the people who don't know who Ben Roethlisberger is.

Our lawyer said we have to tell you that Ben was never charged for sexual assault in this case, only accused. However, Ben did admit to having consensual sexual contact with the victim in the bathroom pictured at the top of the page.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Shayne Graham Signs With Ravens, Promises to Make 100% of Field Goals... As Long As They're Attempted in 1st, 2nd or 3rd Quarter And Ravens are up 20

(Above: David Kohl of the Associated Press astutely captures on film the moment Shayne Graham realized he wouldn't be a Bengal anymore. This was taken seconds after his second FG miss against the Jets)

For most Bengals fans, January 9, 2010 was the day Shayne Graham passed Kathy Griffin as the most hated red-head in the world (In case you're wondering, tied for third most hated are Ginger Spice and Lindsay Lohan, however, if Lindsay Lohan is drunk or doing coke lines off of bar stools in West Hollywood night clubs, then she automatically moves to No. 1)

Anyway, back to Graham and today's good news.

Cincinnati, you don't have to hate the red-headed rightie anymore. As of today, Graham will be taking his missed field goal tour to Baltimore where he'll be competing with some guy named Billy (Cundiff) for the Ravens starting kicker job.

Graham held a press conference today in Baltimore and because this is the last time we're ever going to write about him, we decided to break down his press conference quote by quote.

Graham quotes in Bold Black.
What Graham really meant in Bold Orange.

I had the opportunity to go back to [Cincinnati].
However, I would have water-boarded myself in a bucket full of acid-laced cat urine before exercising this option. The fans hate me, the coaches hate me, my priest hates me. So when I say I had the opportunity to go back to Cincinnati, I really mean I didn't.

[Cincinnati] was very good to me. The organization was very good to me. You move on and you make changes in your life.
I hope all babies born in Cincinnati over the next 10 years die. I hope the Freedom Center is bombed and I hope Giant Jesus burns to the ground.

[As a Raven] When I play in [Cincinnati], I'll have friends in the stands and across the sidelines.
I'm lying again, we all know that no one within 16 zip codes of the city likes me. Oh and when I say 'I'll have friends in the stands,' I actually mean 'people who would declare war on me if declaring war on a person was possible and/or legal.'

On playing in Paul Brown Stadium next year:
It'll be different being in a stadium that was home to me for so long. [However] I've always enjoyed that feeling when you walk into a hostile situation where the fans are booing your whole team and you.
I am actually telling the truth here. I swear to God. Stats back it up. I never miss clutch kicks on the road, when I'm playing in a hostile situation. I only miss the ones at home when the Bengals season is on the line (See: Pittsburgh-2006, N.Y. Jets x 2-2010 Playoffs)

Even the best have bad days. That's what I feel had made me better over my career, is when I've had things not go my way, I never folded and just walked away from it. I kind of came back and kept trying and kept fighting.
Baltimore's media must have cut me off here because five months ago against the Jets, things didn't go my way on a 35-yard third quarter field goal. And when I came back for a fourth quarter attempt, I didn't keep fighting, I choked like a first base umpire making the final out call in a perfect game situation.