Friday, November 19, 2010

Is Nike Going to Completely Redesign the Cincinnati Bengals Uniforms? No, but Someone Went Through A Lot of Trouble to Convince you Otherwise

Are these the Bengals new jersey's? Lets pray to Paul Brown that they're not. 

In case you haven't heard, back in October, the NFL announced that Nike will start manufacturing NFL jersey's beginning in 2012. So that jersey you're wearing now, you should just set it on fire because it will be worthless and outdated in two years.

The NFL puts the jersey rights up to bid every few years and Nike, who has a bank account with 77 Bajilliion, million, Bill Gatesillion dollars in it, outbid Reebok for the rights to produce the jerseys.

If you've ever watched an Oregon football game, then you know that Nike designing anything uniform related is a horrible idea. How horrible of an idea is it, it's on par with letting a hungry lion babysit your 9-month old baby.

Anyway, shortly after the Nike-jersey announcement was made, Nike Executive Charlie Denson was quoted as saying that Nike planned on "changing the NFL jersey dramatically, just like we've done with college programs."

Earlier today, a crazy NFL fan with 48 free hours on his hands scared the shit out of every on the internet when he released 32 sketches. The jersey sketches were reported to be leaked from Nike and they were reported to be the jersey that each team will be wearing in 2012.

However, Nike denies that they would sketch something so ugly and they say they have nothing to do with the jersey images that showed up on the internet this morning.

Apparently a fan took it upon himself to design new uniforms for all 32 NFL teams. Now there's crazy (locking your neighbor's cat in a closet without food or water for nine days) and then there's crazy -- wasting three days of your life designing 32 NFL uniforms that are arguably uglier than Joan Rivers plastic-surgery botched, impossible to look at face (Seriously, we dare you to try and stare at that face for more than 30 seconds).

If you want to see all 32 designs, go here. If you ate Count Chocula for breakfast this morning and now have no more and are currently wondering where you can get more, go here. 

Oh and for some reason, even though we're a Cincinnati blog, half of our readers are Pittsburgh fans, so here's a picture of the Steelers sketch.

It is not known if the Steelers pants will have a hole in the crotch so that Ben Roethlisberger won't even have to take them off when he sexually assaults 19-year-old girls. 

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Will the Bengals Win Another Game This Season? INSIC Says No... Wait, No, We Say Yes

(Editor's Note: For all 31 of you out there wondering why we haven't updated the site for two weeks, here's the story: INSIC founder John Breech was dumped by his girlfriend. He's grieving like a 6-year-old that just watched his first stuffed animal get accidentally set on fire. He has spent the last 13 days sitting in a sandbox sculpting what we think is a life size replica of Paul Brown Stadium, however, the sculpture is so bad, it is very possible that he's sculpting a giant taco and not a stadium at all. Hopefully we'll have pictures. There, now lets get to today's post.)

The most common thing we've heard over the past 24 hours is that the sky is falling on the Bengals season. Well, we're here to tell you it's not falling. It has already fallen. It has smashed everybody into an unsightly bloody pulp that only the Jigsaw killer from the Saw movies could appreciate.

So the logical next question is: should you drown yourself in a bathtub full of cat reproductive fluid? No.

The next question after that is: will the Bengals win another game this season? And to that, we say, we hope so, because if they don't, we're setting Breech's sandbox on fire with him still in it.

Anyway, if you're trying to plan your next few football viewing Sundays based on the probability of seeing a Bengals win, then read on, we'll tell you when they're going to win next.

Nov. 14, At Indianapolis: The Bengals have not beat the Colts since 1937. The odds of the Bengals winning this Sunday are about the same as Tiger Woods getting a phone call from his ex-wife asking him if he wants to be in a threesome with her, her twin sister and a putter shaped dildo. And yes, the putter shaped dildo industry paid us handsomely for that plug.

Nov. 21 Buffalo: The Bills are one of three teams in the league with a worse record than the Bengals. That's right, there are actually three teams in the league that have successfully outsucked the Bengals (Carolina, Buffalo and of course Dallas). The Bills are led by Ryan Fitzpatrick. Bengals fans, you remember him, he's the one that single-handedly torpedoed the Bengals 2008 season. Apparently the Bills aren't aware of the fact that letting Fitzpatrick run your offense is like handing over the keys of your Ferrari to a drunken, coked-addicted 9-year-old. Coincidentally, Buffalo is the only city in the country where you might find a drunken, coked-addicted 9-year old. In less vague terms: you should watch football on November 21 because the Bengals will beat Buffalo.

Wow, we go two weeks without posting, then we comeback with a short and crappy 200 word spot where we only predict that the Bengals are going to beat the Bills -- pathetic -- we'll try harder next time. Or maybe we'll give the same amount of effort that Ochocinco gave in the fourth quarter of the Steelers game on Monday. One or the other.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Game Over for Pac-Man: Bengals Adam Jones Out for Season

Just when it looked like the Bengals season couldn't get any worse, Jason LaCanfora of the NFL Network goes and tweets this at 3:40 p.m. today: Adam "Pac Man" Jones out for season with a neck injury. Tough blow for him and the Bengals. He has been excelling on field and off

We're keeping our fingers crossed that a Japanese computer hacker broke into LaCanfora's account and tweeted these horrible lies. However, that is highly unlikely, which means LaCanfora's tweet is accurate, which means Pac Man is out for the season.

It looks like Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde have claimed another victim. 

What did Jones do this season on defense for the Bengals? How about 13 tackles, one interception, a forced fumble, two fumble recoveries and a touchdown.

So basically, the Bengals bad defense just got worse.

Finally, there is one minor bright spot for everyone out there who was wondering why Daniel Coats is on the team. That bright spot: he is no longer on the team. The Bengals released the "tight end" today and we're putting tight end in quotes because calling Coats a tight end is like calling a dog a rabbit, it makes no sense at all.

If Ochocinco and Deion Sanders Daughter Reproduced, the Baby Would Win the Heisman Before it was in Preschool

Ninety-seven percent of NFL players agree, there's only three ways to get over a tough loss:

1. Go to a strip club and stare at boobs for 15 hours. If there are no strip clubs around, then find the nearest senior citizens home and stare at old lady boobs, which are almost as nice.

2. Smoke a quarter-pound of marijuana*

*= If Randy Moss isn't on your team, you probably will not have access to a quarter-pound of marijuana, in which case an eighth will do.

and of course, let us not forget number three:

3. Take a picture with a semi-famous hot chick who happens to be related to Deion Sanders.

Because Ocho hates boobs and weed, he went with option number three to get over Sunday's loss to the Falcons: Yup, that's Ochocinco and Deion's daughter in the picture at the top of the page.

If you're an NFL owner reading this and you find out these two are having a baby, it would probably be in your best interests to sign the kid to a 91-year, $4-billion contract. That is, unless the baby is a girl because then it would only be athletic enough to play for the Bills.

Because we haven't posted in a week, we're including a bonus picture of Deiondra in a bikini. You're welcome. Oh and we are not messing with you at all, her name is Deiondra. Apparently Deion Sanders only knows eight letters of the alphabet, that or he hates his daughter.

(If you're one of the six Bengals fans that reads, then you may have heard that Ocho and Deiondra went out on a date after Sunday's game. However, unless they had a 15-minute Big Mac date at McDonald's --which is possible, because this is Chad we're talking about after all-- the date didn't happen. Chad left the locker room about an hour after the game (when this picture was taken) and was on a plane back to Cincinnati about 90 minutes after that.)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

What Did Ochocinco Send to Atlanta Falcons's DB's? Intimidating Looking T-Shirts that Aren't Intimidating at All

In between breaking stories about Jersey Shore's J-Woww and Lindsay Lohan's dad, took some time yesterday to break the news on a story that's actually not about douche bags (that is, unless you consider everyone in the Falcons defensive backfield douche bags).

Just after midnight last night, TMZ answered the question that 11 percent of Bengals fans have been asking themselves since Monday: What did Ochocinco send the Falcons DB's?

The answer: lame t-shirts.

In 2004, Ocho sent the Cleveland Browns Pepto Bismol. Chad said the Pepto was to help the Browns because they were going to get 'sick to their stomach' trying to cover him. Also, no one likes diarrhea on a football field, so this was successful in two ways.

Last year, Chad sent the Ravens DB's deodorant, so they wouldn't 'sweat' covering him. This was also a great idea, except that no one in the city of Baltimore wears deodorant, so they didn't exactly get the joke.

Lets ranks Chad's gift giving:

1. Pepto Bismol
2. Deodorant
763. Mad Chad T-shirt

If you've never seen the Mad Chad logo, then you obviously don't own Chad's iPhone app.

In other news: Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee got really drunk last night and this girl really hates college. 

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Once-a-Month, One Question INSIC Mailbag Asks: Which Bengals Players are on Facebook?

Dear INSIC: I'm pretty sure that I'm the only girl that reads your blog, because of that, I was wondering if you could do me a big favor. Can you list of all the Bengals players on Facebook. I spend 14 hours a day on FB and I've run out of people to stalk, please help. 

INSIC: First, we should point out that the above letter confirms two things we already knew about females:

1. They now spend as much time on Facebook as they do getting ready to go out on a Saturday night.

2. Facebook stalking is a sport to them. A sport they're good at. A sport where men are the Los Angeles Clippers and women are the Lakers.

Now we also need to point something out: we received this question back in August, but because we're extremely lazy, we decided to take two months to answer it. There are some days here at the INSIC offices where we get less done than a dead hibernating bear.

Luckily for our question asker, the stars aligned last week: the Bengals were off and the Reds season ended, so when we weren't doing trampoline keg stands, we had a lot of free time on our hands. So without further adieu, here is the official list of Bengals players on Facebook.

Keep in mind, if you're a hot girl, the chances of a Bengals player accepting your friendship are 97 percent. If you are not a hot girl, the chances go down to 1.3 percent.

1. Jordan Palmer: If you had to guess one Bengals player that was on Facebook, Palmer would have been your first guess. Just look at the guy on Sunday, he's definitely not looking at plays on his clipboard, he's inventing web sites and writing up tips for

2. Jerome Simpson: Jerome only gets to suit up for one game a season. So he has to do something with his free time, right? Oh and we can't write anything bad about Jerome because of what happened last time. INSIC founder John Breech got death threats. Well, they weren't death threats, but someone did say he was a "small dick loser." We're not arguing either.

3. Dhani Jones: He has his own television show, so a Facebook profile is kind of a step down for him. But he does have one.

4. Keith Rivers: All you need to know about Keith is that his favorite movie is House Party and his favorite show is Doug. Some inventive writer out there needs to combine those two things and make a movie out of it. Assuming they cast the part of Patty Mayonnaise correctly and she shows some boob in the movie; a Doug, House Party movie would make millions.

5. Kyle Cook: Our offensive line is falling apart, so unless you are Anthony Munoz and can actually help with technique, please do not send Kyle any friend requests, we need him to concentrate on football.

Oh and because we love our readers so much, we have two bonus people for you:

Former Bengal Eric Ghiaciuc, who wrote on Oct. 7 that he is "w/o a team right now, hoping to get picked up soon."

And then of course, there is our favorite profile of all:

Ryan D. Leaf: He's arguably the biggest draft bust in NFL history (David Klingler and Akili Smith might argue this), he once got arrested at the Canadian border because he was trying to flee the country and he became addicted to painkillers even though he only played NFL football for about two weeks. If you're a hot girl and you become friends with him, please send us all of his pictures and if you're really hot, you can send us pictures of yourself too.

And of course, if you lose all hope after getting your friendship request denied by all of your favorite Bengals, you can always 'like,' the official fan page, but that's for losers

Now there are some people out there probably saying, "You guys are stupid, how do you know these pages are real." To you, we repeat: we got the question at the top of the page in August. We have spent the last two months eating illegal mushrooms, teaching our pet squirrel to sit and making sure these are real.

Oh and if you're mad at the Bengals because they're 2-3 and would like to relive their glory days, you can do it through the following players: Eric Ball, Ickey Woods, David Grant, David Fulcher, Eric Thomas, Jason Buck, Jeff Blake, Louis Breeden, Reggie Williams, Skip McClendon, Keith Rucker, Tim McGee and Ron Dugans.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Worst Weekend Ever (Handcuffs Edition): Bengals Shocked, Reds Get Swept and Pacman Gets "Arrested"

(That really is Adam Jones pictured above and yes, he really is in handcuffs. The picture came from this guy, via twitter)

Handcuffs are fun in the bedroom, but they're not much fun anywhere else.

Cole Hamels handcuffed the Reds line-up last night.

The Cincinnati police department literally handcuffed Pacman Jones yesterday afternoon and the Bengals metaphorically handcuffed their fan base and bent them over backwards when they lost to the Buccaneers.

By the way, Jones was handcuffed because he drove onto a sidewalk.

According to him and witnesses, Jones drove on the sidewalk to avoid hitting another car. Police decided to detain him because (he's black) someone in their data base named "Adam Jones" had a warrant out for his arrest. When cops realized they had the wrong Adam Jones, they released Pacman. He was in custody for almost an hour.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Bengals Lose to Bucs on Blown Call (And Somewhat Crappy Play)

People on TV have claimed for decades that the camera adds 10 pounds.

But we've never heard that it adds three inches to the size of your right foot.

Well, the refs saw the same image above in the booth, but they still somehow managed to conclude that Michael Spulock's right foot landed in bounds. It never did. His foot didn't drag after the picture above was taken, he was knocked on his left side and his right foot never landed in bounds.

Should the refs die? Probably.

Should Carson have thrown three interceptions? No, but two of them weren't his fault.

Does the blown call matter? Kind of. Kickers hit 31-yard game winning field goals a lot more often than they hit 51-yarders.

Between the no-hitter on Wednesday, the 17 errors on Friday and the impossible loss by the Bengals today, the week from hell only continues for Cincinnati.

To the Refs of today's Bengals game, it's your fault that Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Lance McCalister is the Miss Cleo of Reds Baseball

Love him or hate him, Lance McCalister is smarter than you (but probably has less hair).

At noon today, the 1530am sports host tweeted that Brandon Phillips would lead tonight's game off with a home run. Brandon Phillips led off tonight's game with a home run.

Since Lance can obviously see the future, someone needs to ask him if anyone at INSIC is going to get laid tonight and if they do, will the girl look like Snooki and if she does, should we call a a doctor about genital warts.

Schottzie Says: Don't Get No-Hit Tonight Reds

After Wednesday night's nuclear holocaust that was game one of the National League Divisional Series, we here at INSIC thought long and hard about what the Reds can do to win game two.

Here's what we came up with:

1. Don't get no-hit: This seems like common sense, but after Wednesday night, we realize it's not. It is impossible to win a baseball game without getting a hit. Although, theoretically you could win without a hit if a bunch of people got walked and/or hit by pitches and/or got to base on dropped third strikes in the same inning. But we probably shouldn't count on that strategy tonight.

2. Score a run: as the Braves proved last night, even if you don't get no-hit, it is impossible to win a baseball game without scoring a run. Sure, the only Giants run was scored by a guy that was caught stealing second (pictured below) and yes, if the umpire had made the correct call, the two teams would still be playing right now tied at zero (by our count, the game would be in the 92nd inning and Lincecum would probably have close to 400 strikeouts). But we don't care about that series, we only care about this one. Score a God Damn run Reds.

3. Don't Eat Cheesesteaks: For the love of Marge Schott, if you ate a cheesesteak today, then don't watch the game, you're a horrible fan and you're bad luck. As long as the Reds are playing Philadelphia, there is to be no support of anything Philadelphia. Burn your Rocky DVD's, punch Will Smith in the face if you see him, start an illegal dog fighting ring and frame Michael Vick for it. We don't care what you do, just do something.

Prediction for tonight: Schottzie says 5-3 Reds.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Reds-Phillies: Should They Even Play the Series; Plus the INSIC Quick Pick

If you're a Reds fan and you haven't checked out or today, don't bother. Its like reading the Vatican's take on evolution or David Duke's opinion on black people. Both sites are spewing hate and lies.

Between the two sites, there are 21 "experts" making picks on the Reds-Phillies series, 21-out-of-21 picked Philadelphia to win. You can't even get 21-out-of-21 to agree that smoking pot with a cop in a port-o-let at a Dave Matthews concert is awesome. So how in the crap can 21 people agree that the Reds are going to lose?

That's were we come in, since ESPN and SI won't do it, we're here to tell you why the Reds are going to win in what we're calling "the shortest Reds-Phillies Preview Ever Written."

Fun Fact that you can tell a Phillies fan right before you punch them: The last time these two teams met in a best-of-5 postseason series was 1976. The Reds swept their way to the World Series.

Reason Why its Sad to be a Pro Sports Fan in Cincnnati: The last time a pro sports team in Cincinnati won a playoff game was exactly 15 years ago today. On October 6, 1995, the Reds beat the Dodgers to become the first team ever to win a divsional playoff series.

Important Fact: Between the American and National League, the team that has won game one in the divisional series is 12-0 over the last three years.

Series Thoughts: The experts are saying that the Phillies can't lose game one because Roy Halladay is pitching. Halladay is apparently unbeatable, unless of course he gets beaten, which happened 10 times this season, including once to the Reds.

All the experts out there also seem to have a short memory, lets recap what happened the last time the Reds were in Philadelphia. It was a four game set played July 8-11.

Game 1: Phillies win 4-3 in 12
Game 2: Phillies win 9-7 in 10
Game 3: Phillies win 1-0 in 11 (Reds P Travis Wood took a perfect game into the 9th inning)
Game 4: Phillies win 1-0 in 9

The fact that the Reds lost all four games is irrelevant, what the series proved is that the Reds and Phillies are evenly matched. What happened when the two teams played in Cincinnati? The Reds took the 3-game series 2-1.

So what happens when you put two evenly matched teams in a best-of-5 series? The team with the most pluck wins.

What the hell is pluck? We have no clue, but the Reds have a lot of it. We'll take Cincinnati in five.

By the way, here's the Reds-Phillies schedule through Sunday:

Game two is at Philadelphia on Friday with first pitch at 6:07 p.m.

Game three is Sunday in Cincinnati!!!!!! First pitch is scheduled for 7:07 p.m., however, if the Twins-Yankees series ends Saturday night, then first pitch is moved to 8:07 p.m.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Ochocinco and T.O. Set to Visit the Tonight Show on October 11; T.Ocho Show Premieres October 12

No one here at INSIC has watched the Tonight Show since Jay Leno mop-stick raped Conan O'Brien to get his job back last year (In the picture below, Conan is describing how long the mop stick was). But next Monday, we might actually have to watch.

According to the Cincinnati Enquirer, on October 11, Ochocinco and Terrell Owens will be guests on NBC's staple late night show.

But don't think that will be the only time you see Ocho and T.O. on TV during next week's bye week.

One day later, the dynamic duo will be on a much more obscure network when "The T.Ocho Show" premieres on Versus.

Now if you haven't watched Versus in awhile, there's a reason for that. They show bull riding, bass fishing, UFL games, Mixed Martial Arts, racing, hunting and hockey. Basically any sport that sells their television rights fees for under six hundred dollars, Versus will air. And yes, we do think an argument could be made that the Hallmark Channel has almost as appealing programming as Versus.

The Hallmark Channel is awesome, if you haven't seen Daniel's Daughter, then you need to blow up your TV. Just look at the poster below, if a red head, a bike and a dog can't get you to see a movie, nothing will.

On the other hand, Versus did send us a 30 second promo for The T.Ocho show. The Hallmark Channel definitely didn't send us a promo for Daniel's Daughter, so they can go to hell. Anyway, you can see the promo below (And of course, as with all Youtube clips that we don't know how to embed, you can see the small stupid version below or you can click here to see the giant, fun, full version).

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Do You Have a Box of OchocincO's at Your House? Do You Want to Have Phone Sex Today? Then You're in Luck!

Without even knowing it, Ochocinco and his new cereal have combined the two things that people love most about the morning: breakfast and phone sex.

When OchocincO's cereal was released late last month, one of the reasons it got so much publicity outside of Cincinnati is because a portion of each sale from every three dollar box was going to go to a charity called Feed the Children.

Then Ocho had an even better idea, why not put the phone number for Feed the Children on the OchocincO's box so that people could donate more money. A good idea in theory.

However, someone at PLB Sports (the Pittsburgh based company that makes the cereal) made a big goof. Instead of putting the phone number for Feed the Children on the box (1-888-HELP-FTC), they put something way more exciting: the phone number for a phone sex line (1-800-HELP-FTC).

This is so awesome that someone at PLT Sports is either going to get a huge raise or get fired today.

The bigger question here is: why is everyone in this country an ass? This phone sex number has been on the side of the box for just over 30 days now, which means that for 30 days, pretty much no one called to donate money to this charity. This also means that the children of feed the children are not being fed.

An Ohio family finally called the number yesterday and after hearing a sultry sex siren answer the phone asking them what their favorite position is, the family called WCPO Channel 9, which of course is what most normal people do when asked about sex positions on a phone call that was made using a number from a cereal box.

As far as XXX content goes, we didn't think Chad would be able to top his giant dick towel, but he's done it.

Anyway, Chad's take on the incident is simple, here's what he told the Enquirer's Joe Reedy this morning: Remember, [the cereal] is made in Pittsburgh, something just isn't right.

By the way, all boxes of Ochocinco's are being pulled from the shelves, so if you have one, you may want to hold onto it, it could be a collector's item.

The only way the cereal industry can top this is if Toucan Sam, Lucky the Leprechaun and the Trix rabbit have a foursome with Count Chocula.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Reds Take NL Central; Things Starting to Look Sunny in Cincinnati

We don't like to brag, but we're going to anyway.

In May 2009, we picked the previously 4-11-1 Bengals to go 10-6 for the 2009 season. The Bengals promptly went out and made us look like the Miss Cleo of Cincinnati sports predictions by going 10-6.

Last February, we made our first Reds prediction. Because everyone at INSIC has a man-crush on Jay Bruce, we picked the Reds to go 86-76 and contend for the division crown. Now, with the Reds coming off nine straight losing seasons, we didn't just go out on a limb with our pick, like an unprotected one-night stand with an HIV positive partner, we took a big risk. Well, last night, the Reds made the risk pay off, by not only contending, but winning the division.

Because no one at INSIC has been sober enough to write for the last 18 hours (we celebrated Jay Bruce's walk-off home run by bonging bottles of Crown Royal), it took us until now to get this post up.

We weren't at the game, but it sounds like everyone had fun. Rey Maualuga, who lives downtown, tweeted that he was up until two in the morning because everyone was honking their horns in celebration. Reds fans were probably also celebrating by conceiving babies and its probably a safe bet that those babies will be named Jay Bruce [insert last name].

Its also probably a safe bet that MTV will make a season 3 of Teen Mom. Seriously, we will pay every teenager in the world to stop having sex if it means MTV will have no more material for Teen Mom.

Speaking of teenagers, all of the teenage girls reading this are only asking themselves one question: how old was Justin Bieber the last time the Reds were in the playoffs?

The answer: One year and seven months (Cincinnati's newest hero, Jay Bruce, was only seven).

Think about how long ago 1995 was: current high school freshmen weren't even alive. Instead of bashing Jews and getting DUI's, Mel Gibson was winning Academy Awards.

Lets just all agree that a Cincinnati sports fan was the first one to say "good things come to those who wait." We went 15 years between division titles in football and baseball.

And for the record the AFC North, Big East and National League Central Titles are all in Cincinnati right now. If anyone tries to talk trash to you, punch them in the face.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Panthers Fans Pay Good Money to Sleep as Bengals Smoke Their Team: Sunday's All-Day Diary

If you watched the Bengals game on Sunday and you thought it was boring, imagine being a Panthers fan, it was like being raped by a Triceratops. The Carolina fan above paid $60 for a ticket to the game and then fell asleep/was roofied/passed out/went comatose by the middle of the third quarter.

It was a sight to behold.

My new friend Ickey Woods was more than happy to take a picture with sleeping/roofied/passed out/comatose Panthers guy. And yes, this picture pretty accurately sums up the Carolina fan base.

Alright, no more stalling, here is the non-sensical ramble known as the INSIC day-long diary. Characters include Brad (who hosted us all), Debbie, Nate, Justin, Mel and me.

8:01 a.m.: I wake up when a dog starts licking me. I hate hamsters, I hate most marine animals and I really hate dogs. So I'm pissed. Then I remember that I forgot to set my alarm, so the dog actually did me a favor. As a reward, I gave it two hamburger patties and a hot dog. I don't even know if dogs are allowed to eat that stuff, but I gave it to him anyway. By the way, I also ate hamburger patties and hot dogs for breakfast. We shared a plate, the dog and I are now best friends.

9:45 a.m.: I spend 1-hour and 44-minutes trying to wake everyone up in the house I am at. There were five other people who were all in differing states of alcohol laced slumber. I thought three of them were in comas. There could have been a five-alarm fire in the house, these people were not going to wake up. I made the dog lick them all.

10:18 a.m.: In my mind, we're already two hours late for tailgating, so I start to complain, but every time I would complain, my friend Brad would point outside and casually mention the impending hurricane that was about to engulf all of Charlotte. Tailgating in hurricanes isn't fun, neither is tailgating in snowstorms or hail storms. I've never tailgated in a sand storm, but I bet that sucks too.

11:01 a.m.: Because my Charlotte friends are smart and watch the weather channel 17 hours a day, they knew it was going to rain. So we tailgate inside. Tailgating inside is like having sex with a really fat ugly chick, its nothing you're proud of, but its still sex... or tailgating in this case.

12:48 p.m.: The walk to the stadium is horrible. Imagine taking a shower with all of your clothes on, then drying off and then taking another shower with only your shoes on and then going to a football game. I'm pretty sure this is how everyone in the stadium felt. Except for the people with ponchos. People with ponchos are smarter than everyone. Someone wearing a poncho will cure cancer.

1:07 p.m.: Our tickets for the game are at will call, which means me, Justin, Nate, Mel and Debbie all have to stand in the rain while Brad retrieves them. We have no ponchos, no umbrellas... Lets just say, for some stupid, horribly thought out reason, we all planned for

tropical weather. While we were standing outside the stadium, we notice two Redskins fans LEAVING the game. Yes, seven minutes into the game, they were leaving. I am not making this up. They explained to us that they would rather go watch the Redskins in a bar. Well, I think we can all agree that karma Triceratops raped them because Washington got molested by St. Louis (And yes, I am trying to see how many times I can use the words Triceratops and rape in the same sentence).

1:23 p.m.: We get into the stadium just in time to see Cedric Benson score. It's a historic touchdown for the Bengals. Why? Because it's their first opening quarter touchdown since Nov. 22, 2009. That's right, the Bengals successfully went nine games without a first quarter touchdown. That's the equivalent of being married and going nine years without having sex on a Monday, it's almost unfathomable.

1:58 p.m.: I see a little girl in front of me holding the Batman sign pictured at right. Unfortunately I didn't have the heart to tell her that that Ocho was Robin and that T.O. was Batman. But it wasn't her fault that she got them mixed up, it was her parents fault. Horrible display of parenting here, but we won't go to hard on the parents because they did raise their kid a Bengals fan after all.

2:19 p.m.: I promised myself that if the Bengals were winning at halftime, I wouldn't complain about Carson Palmer. The Bengals are winning 10-0.

2:21 p.m.: It takes me .3 seconds to break my promise, I start complaining right away. What the hell happened at the end of the first half? Panther fans were LAUGHING at us. Panthers fans have not laughed at anyone in five years. Then some stupid Panthers fan says it, "I'm glad we have Jimmy Clausen and not Carson Palmer." They had to be kidding, there are General Managers in the NFL that would rather have AIDS than Jimmy Clausen. By the way, in case you missed the end of the half, Carson managed the clock like Andy Reid and blew a Bengals scoring opportunity.

2:59 p.m.: Jimmy Clausen leads the Panthers on the first (and what will probably be the only) touchdown drive of his career. No one in the stadium cheers and thats mainly because there are only 90 Panthers fans left. Which isn't Tampa Bay Rays fans pathetic, but its pretty bad.

3:02 p.m.: Just to prove how empty the stadium was, I take this picture (below) of the beer line 10 minutes before the beer line was closing. At Paul Brown Stadium, there would be a small riot as people fought to get their last beer. At Bank of America Stadium, there was this guy, all by himself. I think the booth pictured sold $21 worth of beer on the day. Keep in mind, the beers cost $7.

3:19 p.m.: Mike Nugent, who happens to be my early vote for team MVP, hits a 50-yard field goal that would have been good from Canada. Bengals go up 13-7.

3:36 p.m.: Carolina's Jonathan Stewart fumbles and the Bengals recover. Carson Palmer then does something that no one in the stadium thought was possible: he completes three passes in a row. Not only that, but the last one goes for a touchdown. After the game clinching TD pass to Benson, I forgive Carson for his 18 incompletions and 11 interceptions on the day (Note: he actually only threw two interceptions, Panthers defensive backs dropped the other nine).

3:51 p.m.: Carson Palmer takes a knee. As do all the Panthers fans in the stadium. Carson is taking his knee to run the clock out. Panthers fans are taking their knee because they are praying to God that Jimmy Clausen never starts another game for them ever again.

4:41 p.m.: While walking back from the stadium, I run into a group of 19 Panthers fans who are all playing corn hole. We all agree that if Jimmy Clausen and Carson Palmer were on the same team in corn hole, they would score zero points. We also agree that its completely plausible that they would lose a game to a cat and a hamster, but that would only be assuming that the cat doesn't eat the hamster. Anyway, I offer to put my hat and jersey on the line in the game. I go up 9-2 in a game to 11. But then my friends come and tell me its time to go, something about how people have to catch flights and stuff. Can you believe that? My friends thought catching their flights home and not missing work on Monday was more important then my corn hole game! Asses. I told them that I hoped that they all got raped by a triceratops. Then one of them told me that Triceratops' are extinct and that I should come up with a new animal and just drop the dinosaur rape bit all together. I have vowed to never make a dinosaur rape joke ever again.

Next INSIC All-Day Diary will be live from Atlanta

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Bengals-Panthers: Ochocinco is Treating 85 People in Charlotte to Dinner Tonight; Read Below to Find Out Where

Even though Charlotte is a dying town where no one would actually live if they had a choice, you still can't walk into a restaurant on a Saturday night and ask for a table of 85 and expect to be seated. (Actually we love Charlotte, we're there right now. But really we don't, we're just saying that so we don't get beat up while we're here).

Anyway, back to this dinner thing.

This means that if Ochocinco is taking 85 people out to dinner tonight, he definitely had to call ahead to get a reservation. And as most know by now, when a table of 85 is booked at a restaurant the night before the Bengals are playing in your town, it can only mean one thing: Ocho's on his way with 85 friends.

Now in case you're not one of the 1.3 million people following Ocho on Twitter, let us fill you in on what's going on: For every away game the Bengals play this season, Chad has promised to pick a restaurant in the away city and pay for 85 people to eat and drink. He will tweet the location at 4 p.m., we are announcing it right now (its 1:36 p.m.)

So what restaurant did he pick for Charlotte?

Drumroll please...

Now keep in mind that we're a blog, so we're wrong 37 percent of the time that we're right. But we're happy with our sources and we're about 97 percent sure that Chima is where Ocho is heading tonight. He'll officially tweet the location at 4 p.m.

So if you want a free meal tonight, put on your riot gear and make sure you're one of the first 85 people in line at Chima which is located on 139 South Tryon Street.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

INSIC Will Be LIve From Charlotte For Sunday's Bengals-Panthers Showdown* (We're Using the Term Showdown Very Loosely Here)

(The Panthers are averaging about 1,092 people per game this season, so although we have no definitive proof, we have reason to believe that the picture above was taken during the second quarter of last week's thrilling Tampa Bay-Carolina game)

On Monday morning, there was a buzz going around INSIC headquarters that no one here had felt since the last time we got drunk on absinthe. If you've never drank absinthe, don't do it. However, if you absolutely have to do it, make sure there's a hot girl, a piccolo and a ball of yarn around when it happens (Trust us, it will all make sense).

Anyway, why all the buzz on Monday?

Because Carolina Panthers head coach John Fox, who is obviously trying to lose his job as quickly as possible, made the following announcement: Jimmy Clausen will start at quarterback for the Panthers on Sunday against the Bengals.

Here's all you need to know about Clausen:

1. He failed sixth grade.

2. He showed up for his first day of college (at Notre Dame) in a stretch hummer limo.

3. He's an ass hole.

And we should note, that as much as we like to make things up, we made up nothing on the above list.

Now number 3 might sound like our opinion, but really, its not. Clausen dropped to the second round in last April's NFL draft, not because of his lack of talent, but because scouts thought he was "cocky" and had a "smirkness" to him. That's there way of saying that he thinks he has Peyton Manning talent while everyone else only sees a quarterback that got Charlie Weiss fired from Notre Dame.

Speaking of Notre Dame, Clausen said he was going to "win multiple national titles" with them. Clausen came up multiple national titles short of his goal.

So what does this all mean? It means INSIC will be sending someone to the game. The last two times we did this (Baltimore and Minnesota last season) Breech mishmashed together 5,000 words of nonsense that read like a Danielle Steele novel combined with a bad Bill Simmons column combined with a fourth graders biology paper.

If you see someone in Charlotte wearing a purple speedo, it's probably Breech doing his best Jimmy Clausen impression (and yes, that's really Jimmy on the right in the picture below).

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Braves East Division Collapse Can Only Mean One Thing: New Atlanta Blog

When INSIC started two Februaries ago in Pete Rose's basement, we had this Martin Luther King Jr. size dream that one day the Bengals would win the Super Bowl which would come four months after the Reds won the World Series which would come three months after Pete Rose was inducted into the Hall-of-Fame.

Sure it's only been 19 months, but we're currently sitting at 0-for-3. So now, we've decided to put that dream on hold for at least six more weeks (which will be when the Reds win it all) and focus on dream number two.

Our other dream is simple: take the INSIC idea to other cities in the country and pay the new writer's using money we win betting big on Cross-Country pony racing.

Well, our little pony finally hit it big last week and now we have enough capital to start blog number two.

Ladies and gentleman, lets welcome the second blog into the Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati network: Dealing Dominique Wilkins.

What INSIC does for Cincinnati, DDW will now do
for Atlanta. And if you think about it, now is the perfect time to start this blog.

The Braves are falling faster than a dead body thrown off the side of a four-story building.

The Hawks are two weeks away from breaking training camp, but no one in Atlanta actually knows that because there aren't actually any Hawks fans in Atlanta.

The Falcons are so desperate to sell tickets, don't be surprised if they start throwing in German hookers who will probably themselves be encouraged to throw in free blumpkins.

And then of course, there's the bread and butter of Atlanta sports -- the University of Georgia. The Bulldogs season has started off like Kevin Kolb's career in Philadelphia. Which is ironic because Kolb lost his job to Michael Vick, who in two games this season with the Eagles has played 97 times better than he did in 74 games as a Falcon.

Now why is the blog called 'Dealing Dominique Wilkins?'

Good fucking question.

Our new Atlanta writer claims that the downfall of Atlanta sports started in 1994 when the Hawks traded Mr. Wilkins and a first round pick for a washed up Danny Manning. We won't bore you with too much NBA talk (mainly because Cincinnati doesn't have a team), but lets just say, in the NBA, you should never trade away your first round pick. It would be like giving up your first born son, only your first born son is a 6'9" power forward named Jesus C. from Bethlehem.

Oh and as DDW mentions in their inaugural post, the Hawks got taken to the cleaners in the trade by THE CLIPPERS. That sentence has never been written before and it won't be written any time after this. The Clippers will never take anyone to the cleaners ever again. Mainly because they're the Clippers.

Will DDW be as entertaining? Maybe.

Does the guy running it have four kids which means more poop jokes? Yes.

Will Breech ever write for them? If he gets paid in blumpkins, you can count on it.

If you're an Atlanta fan, check out the newest blog in the INSIC network: Dealing Dominique Wilkins.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Because You Asked For it: The Once Every Six Months One Question INSIC Mailbag (Sponsored by McDonald's)

(As always, these are real questions that we either added words too and/or greatly embellished to make them sound more interesting).

Q: Dear INSIC: The Reds are in a pennant chase, the Bengals opened their season last Sunday, yet you, an unabashed Pro-Cincinnati sports blog, managed to go six days without a post. What The Fuck gives. Unless you guys were snorting cocaine with Joaquin Phoenix in a rundown Las Vegas hotel room, this is not OK.

INSIC: Although there's not technically a question above, we're going to answer this one anyway.

Last Thursday, we broke the second rule of blogging, which is never blog about Tom Brady (The first rule of blogging is don't tell a girl you're hitting on at a bar that you're a blogger, this is an easy and surefire way to never get laid).

Anyway, we followed up last Thursday's Brady post SIX days later with ANOTHER BRADY post, which is the blog equivalent of setting small defenseless animals on fire. It's just sick and uncalled for.

Now, why two Brady posts in a row? Why six days with no new offerings at all when the city of Cincinnati is in a sports renaissance that we haven't seen since 1976? Well, here's the bottom line, it's 50 percent our fault and 50 percent Terry's fault. Who is Terry? Read on and find out.

After Brady got in a car accident Thursday, the INSIC staff got on a plane and flew to Grand Rapids, Michigan for a wedding. Yes, we'll admit it, a wedding on NFL kickoff weekend USUALLY has failure written all over it. But not this one. The wedding we went too was so awesome that it made Chelsea Clinton's wedding look like a late night drunken high school after prom party thrown by homeless people. An awesome wedding means there wasn't one spare minute to post. Or was there?

That's where our friend Terry comes in. Terry is a real Bengals fan (that's him and his wife pictured below with Ochocinco), he owns a Horst Muhlman jersey.

Terry went to high school with INSIC founder John Breech.

Terry went to the Patriots-Bengals game on Sunday.

Terry was tasked with two things: take a ton of pictures (so we could post on Monday) and if he see's a skinny girl that's a Patriots fan, tell her she's fat. Simple, right? Wrong.

Tuesday evening at 7:41 p.m., a full 51 hours, 36 minutes and 19 seconds after the game ended, Terry finally checked in on Facebook with the following message (we have not edited this at all):

much to my chagrin, while walking wasted from tailgate to game Sunday the beer in my pocket spilled and engulfed my camera, just as the female MA mounty grabbed my C. Johnson jersey & turned me around to dump out the rest of my beer. So I'm left with a memory card with only tailgate pics that I won't be able to access until the benglas win this Sunday, Please let the staff at INSIC know I'm deeply sorry for blowing my assignment

The first question we had after reading this was: why the hell are their mounties in Massachusetts. There are only two places where a mountie should ever show their face: in Canada or in a WWF ring. A WWF ring IN Canada would be the most ideal place.

So ladies and gentleman, that is why we went six days without posting.

Coming tomorrow: The Jimmy Johnson interview where Jimmy Johnson tells us how long Jerry Jones would last on Survivor (Hint: not long). On Saturday, we'll probably have an incredibly accurate Bengals-Ravens prediction for you too.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Sports Illustrated Rubs in Bengals Loss, Supports Car Accident Victims: Puts Tom Brady on Cover

If you're a Bengals fan and you plan on hitting up a supermarket, gas station or book store this week, make sure you bring the following three things: 1. matches 2. gasoline 3. enough money to make bail. And just so you know, you'll need about $3,000 to make bail on the third degree arson charge you'll face for burning every Sports Illustrated you see this week.

Now why would you want to burn this week's Sports Illustrated?

Because Tom Brady is on the cover. Brady now becomes the first athlete to take advantage of Sports Illustrated's new 'get in a car accident, get on our cover policy.' This is also his 12th SI cover (meaning someone at Sports Illustrated has an extremely non-straight crush on him), which ties him with Joe Montana for most covers by an NFL player.

Anyway, back to Brady. If you thought you had a big week last week, you're wrong, it was probably pretty lame compared to Tom Brady's. Here is what Brady's last seven days have looked like:

1. Survive a car accident
2. Sign a $74 million contract
3. Dissect the Bengals defense like they're a dead cat in an inner city biology class
4. Get on the cover of Sports Illustrated

We haven't read the cover story, but we don't need to. It will probably talk about Brady's hot wife, his bid to cure AIDS, how he keeps Randy Moss happy by buying him weed from offshore marijuana farms, how the Bengals game plan was so bad that Brady didn't even watch film on them.

Tom Brady you're the reason Its Not Sunny in Cincinnati this week.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Patriots QB Tom Brady in Car Accident, Unfazed, Will Play Sunday

Normally, we don't care if bad things happen to other NFL team's quarterbacks, but since the Bengals open with the Patriots on Sunday, we thought we should let you know that earlier this morning, Tom Brady was involved in a 2-car accident. (As everyone knows, manages to score pictures of everything, the picture below is from TMZ and it shows Brady getting out of his car seconds after the accident).

The van pictured below was allegedly running a red light and Brady T-boned them at an intersection he was green lighted through (i.e. it appears the accident was not his fault). The back left corner of the van is ripped apart because emergency personnel had to use the jaws of life to extricate a passenger from the vehicle.

Here are the facts of the incident from radio station WEEI in Boston, who first reported the accident this morning.

Sources have told the Dennis & Callahan Show that Tom Brady was involved in a car accident near his home at the corner of Commonwealth and Gloucester in Boston Thursday morning.

According to the report Brady was "shaken" and it was believed that the jaws of life were used in what is being described as a "serious" two-car accident that took place just after 6:30 Thursday morning. An Audi with New Jersey plates (belonging to Brady) apparently hit the a Ford minivan at an intersection. One report from WHDH-TV said Brady had a green light while the minivan ran the red, and as a result, Brady hit the side of the minivan, causing the crash. As a result, one or both cars struck a pole, and that pole fell.

Sources indicate that Brady had to be extricated from the vehicle, but did not go to the hospital, declining medical attention and walking away from the scene. As of roughly 8:30 a.m. on Thursday, he was reportedly on his way to work at Gillette Stadium.

UPDATE, 9:22 a.m.: Via Twitter, the Patriots have just made a statement: "Patriots QB Tom Brady was in a car accident this AM He was not hospitalized and is expected at Gillette Stadium today."

Lets all hope this goes better than the last early morning accident involving an incredibly famous athlete.