Thursday, September 30, 2010

Do You Have a Box of OchocincO's at Your House? Do You Want to Have Phone Sex Today? Then You're in Luck!

Without even knowing it, Ochocinco and his new cereal have combined the two things that people love most about the morning: breakfast and phone sex.

When OchocincO's cereal was released late last month, one of the reasons it got so much publicity outside of Cincinnati is because a portion of each sale from every three dollar box was going to go to a charity called Feed the Children.

Then Ocho had an even better idea, why not put the phone number for Feed the Children on the OchocincO's box so that people could donate more money. A good idea in theory.

However, someone at PLB Sports (the Pittsburgh based company that makes the cereal) made a big goof. Instead of putting the phone number for Feed the Children on the box (1-888-HELP-FTC), they put something way more exciting: the phone number for a phone sex line (1-800-HELP-FTC).

This is so awesome that someone at PLT Sports is either going to get a huge raise or get fired today.

The bigger question here is: why is everyone in this country an ass? This phone sex number has been on the side of the box for just over 30 days now, which means that for 30 days, pretty much no one called to donate money to this charity. This also means that the children of feed the children are not being fed.

An Ohio family finally called the number yesterday and after hearing a sultry sex siren answer the phone asking them what their favorite position is, the family called WCPO Channel 9, which of course is what most normal people do when asked about sex positions on a phone call that was made using a number from a cereal box.

As far as XXX content goes, we didn't think Chad would be able to top his giant dick towel, but he's done it.

Anyway, Chad's take on the incident is simple, here's what he told the Enquirer's Joe Reedy this morning: Remember, [the cereal] is made in Pittsburgh, something just isn't right.

By the way, all boxes of Ochocinco's are being pulled from the shelves, so if you have one, you may want to hold onto it, it could be a collector's item.

The only way the cereal industry can top this is if Toucan Sam, Lucky the Leprechaun and the Trix rabbit have a foursome with Count Chocula.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Reds Take NL Central; Things Starting to Look Sunny in Cincinnati

We don't like to brag, but we're going to anyway.

In May 2009, we picked the previously 4-11-1 Bengals to go 10-6 for the 2009 season. The Bengals promptly went out and made us look like the Miss Cleo of Cincinnati sports predictions by going 10-6.

Last February, we made our first Reds prediction. Because everyone at INSIC has a man-crush on Jay Bruce, we picked the Reds to go 86-76 and contend for the division crown. Now, with the Reds coming off nine straight losing seasons, we didn't just go out on a limb with our pick, like an unprotected one-night stand with an HIV positive partner, we took a big risk. Well, last night, the Reds made the risk pay off, by not only contending, but winning the division.

Because no one at INSIC has been sober enough to write for the last 18 hours (we celebrated Jay Bruce's walk-off home run by bonging bottles of Crown Royal), it took us until now to get this post up.

We weren't at the game, but it sounds like everyone had fun. Rey Maualuga, who lives downtown, tweeted that he was up until two in the morning because everyone was honking their horns in celebration. Reds fans were probably also celebrating by conceiving babies and its probably a safe bet that those babies will be named Jay Bruce [insert last name].

Its also probably a safe bet that MTV will make a season 3 of Teen Mom. Seriously, we will pay every teenager in the world to stop having sex if it means MTV will have no more material for Teen Mom.

Speaking of teenagers, all of the teenage girls reading this are only asking themselves one question: how old was Justin Bieber the last time the Reds were in the playoffs?

The answer: One year and seven months (Cincinnati's newest hero, Jay Bruce, was only seven).

Think about how long ago 1995 was: current high school freshmen weren't even alive. Instead of bashing Jews and getting DUI's, Mel Gibson was winning Academy Awards.

Lets just all agree that a Cincinnati sports fan was the first one to say "good things come to those who wait." We went 15 years between division titles in football and baseball.

And for the record the AFC North, Big East and National League Central Titles are all in Cincinnati right now. If anyone tries to talk trash to you, punch them in the face.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Panthers Fans Pay Good Money to Sleep as Bengals Smoke Their Team: Sunday's All-Day Diary

If you watched the Bengals game on Sunday and you thought it was boring, imagine being a Panthers fan, it was like being raped by a Triceratops. The Carolina fan above paid $60 for a ticket to the game and then fell asleep/was roofied/passed out/went comatose by the middle of the third quarter.

It was a sight to behold.

My new friend Ickey Woods was more than happy to take a picture with sleeping/roofied/passed out/comatose Panthers guy. And yes, this picture pretty accurately sums up the Carolina fan base.

Alright, no more stalling, here is the non-sensical ramble known as the INSIC day-long diary. Characters include Brad (who hosted us all), Debbie, Nate, Justin, Mel and me.

8:01 a.m.: I wake up when a dog starts licking me. I hate hamsters, I hate most marine animals and I really hate dogs. So I'm pissed. Then I remember that I forgot to set my alarm, so the dog actually did me a favor. As a reward, I gave it two hamburger patties and a hot dog. I don't even know if dogs are allowed to eat that stuff, but I gave it to him anyway. By the way, I also ate hamburger patties and hot dogs for breakfast. We shared a plate, the dog and I are now best friends.

9:45 a.m.: I spend 1-hour and 44-minutes trying to wake everyone up in the house I am at. There were five other people who were all in differing states of alcohol laced slumber. I thought three of them were in comas. There could have been a five-alarm fire in the house, these people were not going to wake up. I made the dog lick them all.

10:18 a.m.: In my mind, we're already two hours late for tailgating, so I start to complain, but every time I would complain, my friend Brad would point outside and casually mention the impending hurricane that was about to engulf all of Charlotte. Tailgating in hurricanes isn't fun, neither is tailgating in snowstorms or hail storms. I've never tailgated in a sand storm, but I bet that sucks too.

11:01 a.m.: Because my Charlotte friends are smart and watch the weather channel 17 hours a day, they knew it was going to rain. So we tailgate inside. Tailgating inside is like having sex with a really fat ugly chick, its nothing you're proud of, but its still sex... or tailgating in this case.

12:48 p.m.: The walk to the stadium is horrible. Imagine taking a shower with all of your clothes on, then drying off and then taking another shower with only your shoes on and then going to a football game. I'm pretty sure this is how everyone in the stadium felt. Except for the people with ponchos. People with ponchos are smarter than everyone. Someone wearing a poncho will cure cancer.

1:07 p.m.: Our tickets for the game are at will call, which means me, Justin, Nate, Mel and Debbie all have to stand in the rain while Brad retrieves them. We have no ponchos, no umbrellas... Lets just say, for some stupid, horribly thought out reason, we all planned for

tropical weather. While we were standing outside the stadium, we notice two Redskins fans LEAVING the game. Yes, seven minutes into the game, they were leaving. I am not making this up. They explained to us that they would rather go watch the Redskins in a bar. Well, I think we can all agree that karma Triceratops raped them because Washington got molested by St. Louis (And yes, I am trying to see how many times I can use the words Triceratops and rape in the same sentence).

1:23 p.m.: We get into the stadium just in time to see Cedric Benson score. It's a historic touchdown for the Bengals. Why? Because it's their first opening quarter touchdown since Nov. 22, 2009. That's right, the Bengals successfully went nine games without a first quarter touchdown. That's the equivalent of being married and going nine years without having sex on a Monday, it's almost unfathomable.

1:58 p.m.: I see a little girl in front of me holding the Batman sign pictured at right. Unfortunately I didn't have the heart to tell her that that Ocho was Robin and that T.O. was Batman. But it wasn't her fault that she got them mixed up, it was her parents fault. Horrible display of parenting here, but we won't go to hard on the parents because they did raise their kid a Bengals fan after all.

2:19 p.m.: I promised myself that if the Bengals were winning at halftime, I wouldn't complain about Carson Palmer. The Bengals are winning 10-0.

2:21 p.m.: It takes me .3 seconds to break my promise, I start complaining right away. What the hell happened at the end of the first half? Panther fans were LAUGHING at us. Panthers fans have not laughed at anyone in five years. Then some stupid Panthers fan says it, "I'm glad we have Jimmy Clausen and not Carson Palmer." They had to be kidding, there are General Managers in the NFL that would rather have AIDS than Jimmy Clausen. By the way, in case you missed the end of the half, Carson managed the clock like Andy Reid and blew a Bengals scoring opportunity.

2:59 p.m.: Jimmy Clausen leads the Panthers on the first (and what will probably be the only) touchdown drive of his career. No one in the stadium cheers and thats mainly because there are only 90 Panthers fans left. Which isn't Tampa Bay Rays fans pathetic, but its pretty bad.

3:02 p.m.: Just to prove how empty the stadium was, I take this picture (below) of the beer line 10 minutes before the beer line was closing. At Paul Brown Stadium, there would be a small riot as people fought to get their last beer. At Bank of America Stadium, there was this guy, all by himself. I think the booth pictured sold $21 worth of beer on the day. Keep in mind, the beers cost $7.

3:19 p.m.: Mike Nugent, who happens to be my early vote for team MVP, hits a 50-yard field goal that would have been good from Canada. Bengals go up 13-7.

3:36 p.m.: Carolina's Jonathan Stewart fumbles and the Bengals recover. Carson Palmer then does something that no one in the stadium thought was possible: he completes three passes in a row. Not only that, but the last one goes for a touchdown. After the game clinching TD pass to Benson, I forgive Carson for his 18 incompletions and 11 interceptions on the day (Note: he actually only threw two interceptions, Panthers defensive backs dropped the other nine).

3:51 p.m.: Carson Palmer takes a knee. As do all the Panthers fans in the stadium. Carson is taking his knee to run the clock out. Panthers fans are taking their knee because they are praying to God that Jimmy Clausen never starts another game for them ever again.

4:41 p.m.: While walking back from the stadium, I run into a group of 19 Panthers fans who are all playing corn hole. We all agree that if Jimmy Clausen and Carson Palmer were on the same team in corn hole, they would score zero points. We also agree that its completely plausible that they would lose a game to a cat and a hamster, but that would only be assuming that the cat doesn't eat the hamster. Anyway, I offer to put my hat and jersey on the line in the game. I go up 9-2 in a game to 11. But then my friends come and tell me its time to go, something about how people have to catch flights and stuff. Can you believe that? My friends thought catching their flights home and not missing work on Monday was more important then my corn hole game! Asses. I told them that I hoped that they all got raped by a triceratops. Then one of them told me that Triceratops' are extinct and that I should come up with a new animal and just drop the dinosaur rape bit all together. I have vowed to never make a dinosaur rape joke ever again.

Next INSIC All-Day Diary will be live from Atlanta

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Bengals-Panthers: Ochocinco is Treating 85 People in Charlotte to Dinner Tonight; Read Below to Find Out Where

Even though Charlotte is a dying town where no one would actually live if they had a choice, you still can't walk into a restaurant on a Saturday night and ask for a table of 85 and expect to be seated. (Actually we love Charlotte, we're there right now. But really we don't, we're just saying that so we don't get beat up while we're here).

Anyway, back to this dinner thing.

This means that if Ochocinco is taking 85 people out to dinner tonight, he definitely had to call ahead to get a reservation. And as most know by now, when a table of 85 is booked at a restaurant the night before the Bengals are playing in your town, it can only mean one thing: Ocho's on his way with 85 friends.

Now in case you're not one of the 1.3 million people following Ocho on Twitter, let us fill you in on what's going on: For every away game the Bengals play this season, Chad has promised to pick a restaurant in the away city and pay for 85 people to eat and drink. He will tweet the location at 4 p.m., we are announcing it right now (its 1:36 p.m.)

So what restaurant did he pick for Charlotte?

Drumroll please...

Now keep in mind that we're a blog, so we're wrong 37 percent of the time that we're right. But we're happy with our sources and we're about 97 percent sure that Chima is where Ocho is heading tonight. He'll officially tweet the location at 4 p.m.

So if you want a free meal tonight, put on your riot gear and make sure you're one of the first 85 people in line at Chima which is located on 139 South Tryon Street.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

INSIC Will Be LIve From Charlotte For Sunday's Bengals-Panthers Showdown* (We're Using the Term Showdown Very Loosely Here)

(The Panthers are averaging about 1,092 people per game this season, so although we have no definitive proof, we have reason to believe that the picture above was taken during the second quarter of last week's thrilling Tampa Bay-Carolina game)

On Monday morning, there was a buzz going around INSIC headquarters that no one here had felt since the last time we got drunk on absinthe. If you've never drank absinthe, don't do it. However, if you absolutely have to do it, make sure there's a hot girl, a piccolo and a ball of yarn around when it happens (Trust us, it will all make sense).

Anyway, why all the buzz on Monday?

Because Carolina Panthers head coach John Fox, who is obviously trying to lose his job as quickly as possible, made the following announcement: Jimmy Clausen will start at quarterback for the Panthers on Sunday against the Bengals.

Here's all you need to know about Clausen:

1. He failed sixth grade.

2. He showed up for his first day of college (at Notre Dame) in a stretch hummer limo.

3. He's an ass hole.

And we should note, that as much as we like to make things up, we made up nothing on the above list.

Now number 3 might sound like our opinion, but really, its not. Clausen dropped to the second round in last April's NFL draft, not because of his lack of talent, but because scouts thought he was "cocky" and had a "smirkness" to him. That's there way of saying that he thinks he has Peyton Manning talent while everyone else only sees a quarterback that got Charlie Weiss fired from Notre Dame.

Speaking of Notre Dame, Clausen said he was going to "win multiple national titles" with them. Clausen came up multiple national titles short of his goal.

So what does this all mean? It means INSIC will be sending someone to the game. The last two times we did this (Baltimore and Minnesota last season) Breech mishmashed together 5,000 words of nonsense that read like a Danielle Steele novel combined with a bad Bill Simmons column combined with a fourth graders biology paper.

If you see someone in Charlotte wearing a purple speedo, it's probably Breech doing his best Jimmy Clausen impression (and yes, that's really Jimmy on the right in the picture below).

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Braves East Division Collapse Can Only Mean One Thing: New Atlanta Blog

When INSIC started two Februaries ago in Pete Rose's basement, we had this Martin Luther King Jr. size dream that one day the Bengals would win the Super Bowl which would come four months after the Reds won the World Series which would come three months after Pete Rose was inducted into the Hall-of-Fame.

Sure it's only been 19 months, but we're currently sitting at 0-for-3. So now, we've decided to put that dream on hold for at least six more weeks (which will be when the Reds win it all) and focus on dream number two.

Our other dream is simple: take the INSIC idea to other cities in the country and pay the new writer's using money we win betting big on Cross-Country pony racing.

Well, our little pony finally hit it big last week and now we have enough capital to start blog number two.

Ladies and gentleman, lets welcome the second blog into the Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati network: Dealing Dominique Wilkins.

What INSIC does for Cincinnati, DDW will now do
for Atlanta. And if you think about it, now is the perfect time to start this blog.

The Braves are falling faster than a dead body thrown off the side of a four-story building.

The Hawks are two weeks away from breaking training camp, but no one in Atlanta actually knows that because there aren't actually any Hawks fans in Atlanta.

The Falcons are so desperate to sell tickets, don't be surprised if they start throwing in German hookers who will probably themselves be encouraged to throw in free blumpkins.

And then of course, there's the bread and butter of Atlanta sports -- the University of Georgia. The Bulldogs season has started off like Kevin Kolb's career in Philadelphia. Which is ironic because Kolb lost his job to Michael Vick, who in two games this season with the Eagles has played 97 times better than he did in 74 games as a Falcon.

Now why is the blog called 'Dealing Dominique Wilkins?'

Good fucking question.

Our new Atlanta writer claims that the downfall of Atlanta sports started in 1994 when the Hawks traded Mr. Wilkins and a first round pick for a washed up Danny Manning. We won't bore you with too much NBA talk (mainly because Cincinnati doesn't have a team), but lets just say, in the NBA, you should never trade away your first round pick. It would be like giving up your first born son, only your first born son is a 6'9" power forward named Jesus C. from Bethlehem.

Oh and as DDW mentions in their inaugural post, the Hawks got taken to the cleaners in the trade by THE CLIPPERS. That sentence has never been written before and it won't be written any time after this. The Clippers will never take anyone to the cleaners ever again. Mainly because they're the Clippers.

Will DDW be as entertaining? Maybe.

Does the guy running it have four kids which means more poop jokes? Yes.

Will Breech ever write for them? If he gets paid in blumpkins, you can count on it.

If you're an Atlanta fan, check out the newest blog in the INSIC network: Dealing Dominique Wilkins.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Because You Asked For it: The Once Every Six Months One Question INSIC Mailbag (Sponsored by McDonald's)

(As always, these are real questions that we either added words too and/or greatly embellished to make them sound more interesting).

Q: Dear INSIC: The Reds are in a pennant chase, the Bengals opened their season last Sunday, yet you, an unabashed Pro-Cincinnati sports blog, managed to go six days without a post. What The Fuck gives. Unless you guys were snorting cocaine with Joaquin Phoenix in a rundown Las Vegas hotel room, this is not OK.

INSIC: Although there's not technically a question above, we're going to answer this one anyway.

Last Thursday, we broke the second rule of blogging, which is never blog about Tom Brady (The first rule of blogging is don't tell a girl you're hitting on at a bar that you're a blogger, this is an easy and surefire way to never get laid).

Anyway, we followed up last Thursday's Brady post SIX days later with ANOTHER BRADY post, which is the blog equivalent of setting small defenseless animals on fire. It's just sick and uncalled for.

Now, why two Brady posts in a row? Why six days with no new offerings at all when the city of Cincinnati is in a sports renaissance that we haven't seen since 1976? Well, here's the bottom line, it's 50 percent our fault and 50 percent Terry's fault. Who is Terry? Read on and find out.

After Brady got in a car accident Thursday, the INSIC staff got on a plane and flew to Grand Rapids, Michigan for a wedding. Yes, we'll admit it, a wedding on NFL kickoff weekend USUALLY has failure written all over it. But not this one. The wedding we went too was so awesome that it made Chelsea Clinton's wedding look like a late night drunken high school after prom party thrown by homeless people. An awesome wedding means there wasn't one spare minute to post. Or was there?

That's where our friend Terry comes in. Terry is a real Bengals fan (that's him and his wife pictured below with Ochocinco), he owns a Horst Muhlman jersey.

Terry went to high school with INSIC founder John Breech.

Terry went to the Patriots-Bengals game on Sunday.

Terry was tasked with two things: take a ton of pictures (so we could post on Monday) and if he see's a skinny girl that's a Patriots fan, tell her she's fat. Simple, right? Wrong.

Tuesday evening at 7:41 p.m., a full 51 hours, 36 minutes and 19 seconds after the game ended, Terry finally checked in on Facebook with the following message (we have not edited this at all):

much to my chagrin, while walking wasted from tailgate to game Sunday the beer in my pocket spilled and engulfed my camera, just as the female MA mounty grabbed my C. Johnson jersey & turned me around to dump out the rest of my beer. So I'm left with a memory card with only tailgate pics that I won't be able to access until the benglas win this Sunday, Please let the staff at INSIC know I'm deeply sorry for blowing my assignment

The first question we had after reading this was: why the hell are their mounties in Massachusetts. There are only two places where a mountie should ever show their face: in Canada or in a WWF ring. A WWF ring IN Canada would be the most ideal place.

So ladies and gentleman, that is why we went six days without posting.

Coming tomorrow: The Jimmy Johnson interview where Jimmy Johnson tells us how long Jerry Jones would last on Survivor (Hint: not long). On Saturday, we'll probably have an incredibly accurate Bengals-Ravens prediction for you too.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Sports Illustrated Rubs in Bengals Loss, Supports Car Accident Victims: Puts Tom Brady on Cover

If you're a Bengals fan and you plan on hitting up a supermarket, gas station or book store this week, make sure you bring the following three things: 1. matches 2. gasoline 3. enough money to make bail. And just so you know, you'll need about $3,000 to make bail on the third degree arson charge you'll face for burning every Sports Illustrated you see this week.

Now why would you want to burn this week's Sports Illustrated?

Because Tom Brady is on the cover. Brady now becomes the first athlete to take advantage of Sports Illustrated's new 'get in a car accident, get on our cover policy.' This is also his 12th SI cover (meaning someone at Sports Illustrated has an extremely non-straight crush on him), which ties him with Joe Montana for most covers by an NFL player.

Anyway, back to Brady. If you thought you had a big week last week, you're wrong, it was probably pretty lame compared to Tom Brady's. Here is what Brady's last seven days have looked like:

1. Survive a car accident
2. Sign a $74 million contract
3. Dissect the Bengals defense like they're a dead cat in an inner city biology class
4. Get on the cover of Sports Illustrated

We haven't read the cover story, but we don't need to. It will probably talk about Brady's hot wife, his bid to cure AIDS, how he keeps Randy Moss happy by buying him weed from offshore marijuana farms, how the Bengals game plan was so bad that Brady didn't even watch film on them.

Tom Brady you're the reason Its Not Sunny in Cincinnati this week.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Patriots QB Tom Brady in Car Accident, Unfazed, Will Play Sunday

Normally, we don't care if bad things happen to other NFL team's quarterbacks, but since the Bengals open with the Patriots on Sunday, we thought we should let you know that earlier this morning, Tom Brady was involved in a 2-car accident. (As everyone knows, manages to score pictures of everything, the picture below is from TMZ and it shows Brady getting out of his car seconds after the accident).

The van pictured below was allegedly running a red light and Brady T-boned them at an intersection he was green lighted through (i.e. it appears the accident was not his fault). The back left corner of the van is ripped apart because emergency personnel had to use the jaws of life to extricate a passenger from the vehicle.

Here are the facts of the incident from radio station WEEI in Boston, who first reported the accident this morning.

Sources have told the Dennis & Callahan Show that Tom Brady was involved in a car accident near his home at the corner of Commonwealth and Gloucester in Boston Thursday morning.

According to the report Brady was "shaken" and it was believed that the jaws of life were used in what is being described as a "serious" two-car accident that took place just after 6:30 Thursday morning. An Audi with New Jersey plates (belonging to Brady) apparently hit the a Ford minivan at an intersection. One report from WHDH-TV said Brady had a green light while the minivan ran the red, and as a result, Brady hit the side of the minivan, causing the crash. As a result, one or both cars struck a pole, and that pole fell.

Sources indicate that Brady had to be extricated from the vehicle, but did not go to the hospital, declining medical attention and walking away from the scene. As of roughly 8:30 a.m. on Thursday, he was reportedly on his way to work at Gillette Stadium.

UPDATE, 9:22 a.m.: Via Twitter, the Patriots have just made a statement: "Patriots QB Tom Brady was in a car accident this AM He was not hospitalized and is expected at Gillette Stadium today."

Lets all hope this goes better than the last early morning accident involving an incredibly famous athlete.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Don't Hate on Jerome Simpson or Bengals Fans will Hate on You

(Beast of the East on is the genius responsible for the photoshop above)

And the Jerome Simpson story has taken on a life of its own.

As such, I think I'll take a page out of Gregg Doyel's book and respond to some of the the postings that have showed up on and Actually, I won't respond, I'll just post them and let the hatred seep out, that will be way more fun.

Now lets get to the excitement.

There seemed to be three schools of thought on the Jerome Simpson piece:

1. People agreed with me

2. People didn't agree with me

3. Agree with me or not, everyone was unanimous in the fact that I came across as a smarmy, self-serving, waffle-eating ass hole who hates the Bengals. I'll go ahead and agree with three out of the four.

For the record, I did not post the Simpson piece on either message board, I posted it here on Its Never Sunny and on Bleacher Report. Then, like a Blood seeing a Crip at the supermarket, things escalated from there.

First up is kday777 from the message board.


John Breech is an idiot and anyone who agrees with his approach is equally an idiot. I hate guys like John, nothing but losers. People like that talk tough using the internet, would never in his life say anything to anyones face, unless of course he was drunk with a gang of friends, because we all know that that is the only way certain folks ever show any balls, drunk and with friends.
Guys who have never played football and will never ever play always talk the most ish about players, learn your role. Your role is to watch and cheer. Your role is to come on boards like this and pretend like you know a lot and talk ish to other people pretending like they know something and thinking what they say is important. Your role is not to confront players and talk ish when you would never say it to their faces. Learn your roles.

Next up, we have scharm from, he was very concise with his point:
I'm sorry John Breech you come off as a small dick loser. As for Jerome Simpson, Who cares?

Now here's a little something from USN Bengals on
What a self serving arrogant ass... just the fact that you feel you had the right to make fun of Jerome Simpson so you could have people pay attention to your sorry little ass is pathetic... then to post about it on another message board so you can get MORE attention possibly is even more indicative of what kind of little asinine fucking geek you are.
How about you just piss off?
If you have such a need to have people pay attention to you so that you feel you might have a future in sitcom track laughter writing... go sing fucking karaoke in front of a mirror and heckle yourself.
Gnarly little fuckstick.

On a lighter note, we have Mcballerson:
[x] john_breech, i hope you get mauled by a bear.
[ ] john_breech, have a nice day free of bear-mauling.

Wait, here's some minor support from Essex Bengal on
So am I the only one who thinks this guy has a point? If you're ever going to get anywhere in the NFL, you're going to have to get used to people taking a cheap shot at you. We all hope (or at least I guess we do) that Jerome is going to get better and end up being a stud for the Bengals and having a great career. If that happens, along the way he's going to have to put up with this sort of stuff only a lot more of it. Imagine if Brett Favre took any notice of all the shit that's written about him. He probably wouldn't get out of bed in the morning. Or what about all the shit that Chad gets thrown at him every day which is about 10,000 times worse than this?

This was just a 'throw away' comment which Simpson should have just ignored. He should just focus on improving his game and the only criticism he should be listening to is from his own coaching staff. John Breech writes stuff, Jerome Simpson plays football. If he lets something as minor as this get to him, he's never going to get anywhere in the game.

Lets get back to the insults, actually forget insults, barkerja on is offering a $5,000 bet:
Well, let's see if Mr. Breech will put his money where his mouth is. I'm willing to throw down a $5,000 bet that Jerome will have 1,000 yards before Briscoe does.

Alright, lets end this with three explanations:

1. I tweet random gibberish 11 hours a day, three days a week. The infamous Briscoe-Simpson HOF tweet was meant tongue-in-cheek. Do I think Briscoe is a Hall-of-Famer, uh, no. Believe it or not, I do know a little bit about football.

On the other hand, I did not direct the tweet at Jerome Simpson's Twitter account (@Rome089). So when I say, I didn't give the tweet a second thought, I'm not kidding. Look at my twitter page, I tweeted about 50 more times that day. When I checked my email on Sunday morning and saw a message from Simpson, I actually had no clue what it was about. I had to go to my Twitter profile and look up everything I wrote Saturday before I figured it out. If I tweet that TJ Houshmandzadeh is a washed up pony-tailed girl that should have retired last year, I don't expect TJ to send me an email.

Think about this, Jerome has a lot on his plate, the last thing he needs to do is scour Twitter, Facebook or any other social network looking to talk trash to people that think he should have been cut. For the record, Jerome didn't tweet me, he sent me a private message on Twitter, which is even more ridiculous when you think about it. If other Bengals fans want to bash my opinion, I'm all for that, that's what message boards are for.

That being said, people who were saying it was a 'cheap insult,' or I was trying to 'instigate' something, the equivalent here would be if Rush Limbaugh got mad over a joke that Jon Stewart made. Stewart's show is supposed to be funny, but there is underlying truth to most of the things he says. Am I Jon Stewart? Hell no. But the tweet was written in the same manner.

2. The piece about Simpson was originally only published on this blog, it was blog material. If I could do things over, the only thing I would have done differently is not publish the piece on Bleacher Report. I would have kept it to Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati where it fits in with what the blog is about.

3. Finally and don't take this as me backtracking at all. But I'm a Bengals fan first, I want to see Simpson succeed. If he does well, then that helps the Bengals. Do I think he should have made the team? No, but that doesn't mean I can't cheer for him. As a Bengals fan, I don't have to agree with every move they make, but I'm sure as hell going to root for anyone wearing the uniform. And as long as Simpson is wearing it, I'll be rooting for him.

Oh and if anyone wants to call me a piece of shit to my face, you can do it on Twitter, Facebook or the comment section of this site.

By the way, I'll be at the Bengals-Falcons, Bengals-Panthers and Bengals-Chargers games this season, so kday77, I won't be hiding behind my computer, I'll be eating stale nachos and heckling the opposing team's fans.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Why Hasn't Bengals WR Jerome Simpson Cracked the Starting Lineup? Probably Because He's Too Sensitive

INSIC founder John Breech wasted his entire day yesterday doing three things: watching college football, tweeting and keeping track of who the Bengals cut from their roster (Since 81 percent of our readers are Bengals fans, we'll figure 59 percent of you knew that yesterday was cut day in the NFL. For the other 41 percent of you, cut day is where each team has to get their roster down to 53 players).

Nine seconds after he heard the news that sixth round draft pick Dezmon Briscoe had been cut, Breech offered this tweet making fun of the Bengals favorite two and a half-year WR project, Jerome Simpson: Dez Briscoe will be in the Hall-of-Fame before Jerome Simpson starts a game for the Bengals.

After sending the tweet, Breech took a bath, ate two waffles, watched the Miami Redhawks almost shock Florida, followed by the Reds pounding the Cardinals before mowing his lawn.

What we're saying here is that he didn't give the tweet a second thought.

But someone did give that tweet a second thought, that person, none other than the Bengals two and a half year WR project himself: Jerome Simpson.

Now, we didn't know that Simpson was more emotional than a teenage girl having her first period, but apparently he is.

At noon today, Simpson sent Breech a personal message on twitter: Why r u following me if wanna talk shit about me? O ya an you will never play an NFL snap.. So I got u!!

No Jerome, Breech probably will never play an NFL snap, but you'll probably never write a grammatically correct sentence, so in that sense, you guys are even.

Jerome, we'll keep this short and sweet:

1. Stop Twitter stalking your haters and learn the playbook. Terrell Owens learned it in two weeks, you're now going on 125 weeks. Unless he's 62.5 times smarter than you, this makes no sense.

2. Pray nightly that offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski never gets fired because it would take you another three years to learn the new coordinator's playbook, which means you would be the first six-year veteran in the history of the NFL to never start a game. That would be an awesome record to hold.

3. Andre Smith sucks worse than you and at this point is a bigger draft bust. The only difference, he actually answers questions and doesn't avoid the media. Stop being a bitch. In every day America, if you work at a job for two years and don't produce, you get fired. So don't be so touchy when Bengals fans want to see some new blood, you've showed us nothing in two years.

By the way, in case anyone is wondering, here are Simpson's stats after two full seasons with the Bengals: eight games played in, one game started, one catch for two yards.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Bengals vs. Colts Preseason Primer

Ha, Ha. Preseason primer.

Unless you're J.T. O'Sullivan's girlfriend, you don't need to watch tonight's game.

The starters will play one series (two if you're lucky).

Jordan Palmer will probably play two quarters and we all know watching him play is more painful than letting your friends use your face as a dartboard.

On the other hand, if fierce preseason kicking battles interest you, then by all means watch the entire game tonight. It's unlikely, but at least possible that Dave Rayner or Mike Nugent could win or lose the kicking job.

If Nugent's placekicking skills were half as awesome as his signature, he would have won the job two months ago. (Yup, that's Nugent signing an autograph below and yes, we also found it shocking that he doesn't sign with his kicking foot).