Friday, February 19, 2010

Cincinnati Reds GM Walt Jocketty turns ?? Today Which Means INSIC's 2010 Season Prediction

Pictured above is Cincinnati Reds General Manager Walt Jocketty. Today is his birthday. Lets play a game of 'Guess how old he is.'

If you guessed 86, you are wrong, Mr. Jocketty turns 59 today (Clearly he is 86, but his people insist he is 59).

So now you're probably wondering, 'why the hell are you wasting my time with a post on Walt Jocketty? Where the crap is you're minute-by-minute breakdown of the Tiger Woods press conference?"

Both good questions.

Here at the blog, there is nothing we like doing more than making ridiculously early predictions about Cincinnati sports teams. Walt Jocketty's birthday provided the perfect segue to our Reds prediction. Plus we want to prove that we're not a one-trick pony, we like to think we know as much about baseball as we do about football.

Anyway, back in May, we predicted the Bengals would go 10-6. The Bengals went 10-6. We wanted to predict the Reds would go 10-6, but apparently they play more than 16 games.

Alright, time to stop stalling: without further Adieu, here is our Cincinnati Reds 2010 prediction:

Reasons the Reds will suck: Dusty Baker

Reasons the Reds will not suck: The team signed a Cuban pitcher in January. For those of you that stopped following baseball in 1997, let us refresh your memory as to the two most important things a baseball team can do in the offseason:

1. Sign a pitcher
2. Sign a Cuban

If you do both of these things in the same offseason, that's like having sex with Brooklyn Decker while Bar Refaeli video tapes (Or for you women, it's like having sex with Josh Duhamel while one of those guys from Twilight video tapes).

Aroldis Chapman, welcome to the team.

Guy who can make the Reds good: Free agent signee Orlando Cabrera. We all know that Joey Votto and Brandon Phillips are awesome. They field, they hit, they can probably bake birthday cakes. What we don't know is what Orlando Cabrera can do for the Reds.

The guy is going to play shortstop and bat second, so he's kind of important. The problem is that he's 35, but the problem is he probably isn't 35. He was born in Colombia where birth certificates are printed on sheep skin, so we're guessing he's probably 41.

The bottom line: Please don't suck Cabrera.

Guy who can make the Reds suck: Dusty Baker. Baker does one thing well. Unfortunately that thing happens to be ruining the career of young pitchers (Just ask Mark Prior or Kerry Wood). This does not bode well for that newly acquired pitcher from Cuba we talked about earlier.

Thankfully, the Reds staff is filled with savvy veterans (Harang, Arroyo, Cordero) who will ignore every other word that comes out of Baker's mouth.

So what does this mean?

The Cincinnati Reds (believe it or not) will finally be in a pennant chase: INSIC thinks the home team will go 86-76. And as always, suck it Cubs fans.


  1. Thank you! I know I couldn't have been the only one whose jaw dropped when his birthday was reported in the news last week. In no way did I think he was anything less than 73. Seriously Walt, get some sleep... or surgery.

  2. Agreed. I think that sleep, surgery and a daily bowl of Cocoa puffs would solve Jocketty's age crisis.
    On the other hand, I don't care if he looks 119 if it means a World Series for the Reds.