Valentine's Day: A Single Guy's Christmas

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you’re probably thinking, “John, what the hell are you talking about, Christmas already came on Dec. 25, I remember because I hated it; my girlfriend got me a sweater, a pair of socks and a Miley Cyrus CD."

OK, so it's true, Christmas already came, but if you think about it, Dec. 25 is the sucky Christmas: Family, fruitcakes, caroling -- nobody likes that stuff. For single guys February 14th is the real Christmas: drunk sex, sober sex, ear sex -- it can all be done on the 14th.

For some reason, on February 14th, all the single girls in the world act like they're on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound, picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

Now you single guys out there (and guys in relationships I guess, I mean, who am I to discriminate against anyone who wants to get some) need to take advantage of this opportunity because like Arbor Day, it only comes along once a year.

If you've talked to any single girl in the past 10 years, she has probably mortified you with at least eight tails of Valentine’s Day disappointment. She probably also let you know that her and her friends refer to the 14th as “Single’s Awareness Day,” (Really desperate girls refer to it by its acronym, SAD).

Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they're basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, a taco; Jesus H. Christ, just give me something that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (Although, please keep in mind, if the porn star she wants to act like is one of the females from 2 girls, 1 cup, you might want to find someone else)

Because God loves men, over the last 10 years Valentine’s Day has turned into the Super Bowl of one night stands. If chivalry is still alive, then we as a male species, need to step up and literally “do” our duty. (And by duty, I really mean “closest girl friend that is single.”)

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me or look like Mort Goldman, well let me assure you, you guys can get laid too. If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything. I once told a girl that I was related to John Candy, the conversation went like this... ME: You know, I'm related to John Candy. HER: Oh my god, I want do him so bad. ME: Umm, he's dead. HER: Really? Oh well, I've never heard of him anyway, let's get naked. Four minutes later, we were doing it in a Waffle House bathroom.

Examples of other famous people you can say you're 'related' to are: Charlie Sheen, Dennis Hopper, Jeffrey Dahmer, Timothy McVeigh -- sure, he's the Oklahoma City bomber -- but if you make it sound cool to be related to him, you're getting laid.

I implore every single guy reading this to remember one thing today: getting a girl home on February 14th is easier than bowling a 37 with bumpers on; an eight-year-old with lumpy skin virus could do it.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are 98.7 percent. The only way you can blow it tonight is if you get hit by a truck or a bus on the way to the bar. Statistics say this is not probable.

Seriously college guys, for you, the math is this simple; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals lots of sex and even more unwanted pregnancies.

Non college guys, don't get your hopes down.

If you’re a male between the ages of 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and voted for Barack Obama, you’re as good as laid.

If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and can name two characters in the movie "Twilight," you’ll go home with someone hot tonight. Hot single girls like Twilight, it's a fact. They'll probably pretend you're Jacob the whole time you're having sex, but who cares, you're having sex.

Finally, if you’re over 45, good god, you don’t even have to try -- just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you.

Oh and one more thing, if you were born on or around November 14 (ahem, Jeff Binkowski, my nephew Simon), you are the product of a drunken Valentine's liaison. You know what that means -- your parents are probably celebrating by doing it right now. Wow that's gross.

John Breech wrote this for Valentine's Day 2005, he has made yearly revisions since, and he would like to say hi to his mom.