Saturday, October 31, 2009

Bengals-Eagles Tie Explained by Vanessa Minnillo's 2008 Halloween Costume

After 11 months of exhaustive research, INSIC has finally found the culprit for what many football experts have termed, 'The game that was more disturbing than a cleft lipped child.'

Our research takes us back to Halloween 2008 when Nick Lachey's girlfriend, Vanessa Minnillo, thought it would be cute if her and her fat ugly friend Donovan Mcnabb went out on the town dressed as NFL quarterbacks. Vanessa, being attractive and smart, decided to be Carson Palmer. The other retard decided to be Donovan McNabb.

Two weeks later, the Bengals would tie the Eagles in a game that was more torture than a botched execution.

Bengals fans, lets pray to Paul Brown that Vanessa and her friend aren't Carson Palmer and Ben Roethlisberger this year.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

INSIC is Drunk with Knowledge

Six hours ago, Its Never Sunny In Cincinnati was the most technologically inept web site in existence. To put this in perspective, the blogs 'Babies for Obama' and 'Amish People Against the Internet' both had more know-how than we did.

Not any more though. After a quick and easy tutorial on how to embed videos, we're embedding anything and everything (As opposed to bedding anything and everything, which most of you will be trying to do Halloween night).

First up, we gave you the 24 season 8 preview. Now, we're giving you the Bengals Chad Ochocinco, who appeared on ESPN's 'First Take' this morning.

The female in between Ocho and Skip Bayless is 'First Take' host Dana Jacobsen (pictured). She once got kicked out of a 'roast' for being too drunk. Read that again. Unless you're showing your breasts to small children, there is no reason to ever be kicked out of a roast.

Both videos can be found in the posts below.

Ochocinco Visits ESPN To Talk Bengals Football: Skip Bayless' Voice Will Hurt Your Ears

Six hours ago, Its Never Sunny In Cincinnati was the most technologically inept web site in existence. The 'Amish against the internet' blog had more technological foresight than we did.

Not any more though. After a quick and easy tutorial on how to embed videos, we're embedding anything and everything (As opposed to bedding anything and everything, which most of you will be trying to do Halloween night).

First up, we gave you the 24 season 8 preview. Now, we're giving you Ochocinco, who appeared on ESPN's 'First Take' this morning. Oh and in case you're wondering, Skip Bayless, the guy Ocho is arguing with, gets paid actual money to spew his worthless nonsense.

The female in the background, that's 'First Take' host Dana Jacobsen. She once got kicked out of a 'roast' for being too drunk. Read that again. Unless you're showing your breasts to small children, there is no reason to ever be kicked out of a roast.

Jack Bauer is Back: Fox Offers First Preview of 24 Season 8

In case you're wondering how I've spent my Bengals bye week; I've been sitting around my house trying to make a life size replica of Paul Brown Stadium using only Cheerios and old cat litter. It's not as easy as it sounds.

Thanks to Fox, I don't have to that any more. Earlier today, the network unveiled a preview for season 8 of 24. Watch and be happy.

On a side note, my brother and I always wanted to write a spin-off of 24 called 25. The premise of the show: Jack would have to figure out why there was an extra hour in the day (Get it, 25).

The hidden twist at the end was going to be that President Palmer was actually Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer. I spent my junior year of college writing 25 episodes. I thought so highly of my work that I even wrote a speech for when I won my Emmy.

If any Fox executives are reading, the rights to 25 are still available.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Bengals Remaining Schedule Spells Playoffs In Four Different Languages

Five and a half months ago, the brilliant minds at INSIC (read: John Breech) put together this AFC North preview.

In case you're too lazy to click on it, John had the teams finishing like this:

Pittsburgh 12-4
Cincinnati 10-6
Baltimore 8-8
Cleveland 6-10, 4-12 (He predicted 6 wins, but then he couldn't find six wins on Cleveland's schedule, so a day later, he lowered the prediction to four).

Now that the Bengals are headed into the bye week, it's time to do two things: 1. pat John on the back for being so smart 2. Predict the rest of the schedule.

Before we look at the Bengals nine remaining games, we have some good news and we have some bad news.

The Good News: Marvin Lewis has a 15-9-1 career record in November.

The Bad News: Lewis is 1-4-1 coming off of a bye week. Although there is a silver lining to the bad news as the one win just happened to come in 2003 against... you guessed it... the same team the Bengals play coming off the bye this year, the Ravens.

So are the Bengals going to make the playoffs, do they have any shot at the Super Bowl, lets find out. (By the way, does the Super Bowl logo at right look orange black to anyone else, is this a good thing, can the Bengals just have the Lombardi Trophy now?)

November 8 and 15: Ravens and Steelers. These two games are lumped together for one reason, the Bengals are not going to lose both of them. Dustin Diamond will win an Academy Award for playing Screech Powers before the Bengals lose both of these games. This team is too good to lose two games in a row. Will they lose to the Steelers? Maybe. Will they lose to the Ravens? Possibly, but they will not lose to both of these teams. Record on November 16: 6-3.

November 22: Bengals at Raiders. The problem for the Raiders is that if Helen Keller were still alive and they signed her, she would be an upgrade at quarterback. Bengals improve to 7-3.

November 29: Browns at Bengals. If Browns coach Eric Mangini was a hostage negotiator, everyone would be dead in under three minutes. Bengals up their record to 8-3.

December 6: Lions at Bengals. Raise your hand if you know when the Lions last beat the Bengals. We'll give you a hint, Barry Sanders scored a touchdown and Beverly Hills 90210 was our favorite show on TV. If you guessed November 22, 1992, slap your self for knowing too much. Bengals claw their way to 9-3.

December 13: Bengals at Vikings. The blog will be live from this game. Brett Favre should be just injured enough by this time to be absolutely useless (just ask the 2008 Jets). Bengals hold All-Day Adrian Peterson to 68 yards and improve to 10-3.

December 20: Bengals at Chargers. Putting the Bengals on the west coast is like putting a mail bomb in Ted Kaczynski's hands and asking him not to blow anyone up. The Chargers are always desperate for a win by this point in the season. Bengals fall to 10-4.

December 27: Chiefs at Bengals. Larry Johnson is a fag. Well actually he called someone that and now he probably won't be playing football the rest of the season, but you have to admit, that's a pretty cool way he's wearing his hat in the picture below. Bengals win and improve to 11-4.

January 3: Bengals at Jets. It's the last regular season game ever at the Meadowlands. If the Bengals can't improve their playoff positioning and this game has no meaning, then they're going to lose. It's that simple. Lets drop them to 11-5.

Steelers are going to go 12-4 or 11-5, Ravens are going 9-7 or 8-8 and the Browns, who blow more than a 3-year-old playing with bubbles, will go 3-13.

Here's how John ended the blog back in May, so let's do it again:

I implore Bengals fans to buy playoff ticket vouchers now. Forget paying rent this month (sorry Preston); I’ll be snatching up about 17 of those bad boys. Ladies and Gentleman, you’re 2009 AFC North.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Bye, Bye, Bye: Bengals Head into Bye Week on Roll After Euthanizing Bears

If you're one of those people that likes to take a shot of whiskey every time the Bengals score a touchdown, then your blackout from Sunday probably just ended today. If you're one of those people that likes to take a shot every time the Bengals score a point, then your probably reading this from the emergency room of your local hospital.
(The Bear at right was pictured throwing up in a trash can after watching Jay Cutler's performance Sunday)
The 45-10 win over the Bears was exciting, but it now brings upon us what should be the two most dreaded words in a Bengals fan's vernacular: 'Bye Week.'

Most people attribute the Bengals lack of success over the past 19 years to Owner Mike Brown, I say shut your mouth before I smack you, because that's just not true. The real culprit: the bye week.

Since the NFL instituted the mandatory week off back in 1990 the Bengals have gone 4-15-1 following the bye. Only Kevin Costner has had less success in the same time period (Seriously Kevin: Waterworld, Swing Vote, Open Range, The Postman. Is your agent illiterate, do you have an agent? Who the hell is picking out your scripts?)

Here's a quick look at the Bengals record going into the bye week since 1990:

1990: 5-4 (TYOTLPW or as most Bengals fans know it, 'The Year of the Last Playoff Win')
1991: 0-4
1992: 2-2 (If it weren't for Brett "F*cking' Favre, the Bengals would have been 3-1 and maybe Dave Shula looks like the best coaching hire in NFL history. I blame Brett Favre for everything from Global warming to the unemployment rate in Detroit)
1993: 0-4, 0-7 (Someone in the NFL offices was smoking a lot of pot prior to the 1993 season, that's the only way to explain why anyone would think two byes in one season would be a good idea. Free hand grenades for homeless people would be a better idea than two byes)
1994: 0-5
1995: 2-4
1996: 1-2
1997: 1-1
1998: 1-3 (Secretly, this is my favorite non-playoff season ever. You're probably thinking, "John, the Bengals went 3-13, I'd rather watch a porn starring Susan Boyle than talk about this season." To that I say, "The Bengals may have gone 3-13, but lets break that down. 2-0 against the Steelers, 1-13 against everyone else. Take that Pittsburgh, put that in your steel city poop pipe")
1999: 4-10
2000: 0-0 (The NFL got so pissed at Mike Brown's ineptitude that they gave the Bengals a week one bye. What in the name of Jeff Query are you supposed to do with an opening week bye?)
2001: 4-3 (It only took a decade, but the Bengals finally go into a bye week over .500. How did they respond? By losing the next 7 games after the bye and finishing 6-10.)
2002: 0-6
2003: 1-4
2004: 1-3
2005: 7-2
2006: 3-1
2007: 1-3
2008: 1-8
2009: 5-2

What does all of this mean? Absolutely nothing. Tomorrow, INSIC will go game by game down the Bengals remaining schedule and predict the outcome of each contest, after we do that, you'll know why Chad's smile is so big in the picture at the bottom of the page.

On a semi-related note, if you stopped watching Letterman because he was having sex with anything that wasn't stapled down in his office (or maybe you stopped watching because he's not funny), you may want to catch his show this Thursday because Ochocinco is going to be a guest.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Cincinnati Bengals Owner Mike Brown Proves He's Not Cheap by Sending INSIC to Atlanta to Scout the Bears

By john breech

It was 7:17 p.m. Sunday evening when the phone call came, it was Bengals owner Mike Brown and he was frantic.

Mike Brown: John, our head scout/only scout Greg Seamon is on vacation. Well, actually, I furloughed him, but that's beside the point, I need a big favor from you.

John: Let me guess, you forgot to DVR 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' again and you want me to tell you what happened.

Mike Brown: No, well yes, wait, I guess I need two favors. First, I need you to tell me what happened on Real Housewives of Atlanta, I heard former Falcon Ed Hartwell is trying to make a comeback, based on the three minutes he was in the episode, do you think he could play tight end for us?

John: No, he's a linebacker. And no I don't think he could play linebacker for us either.

Mike Brown: Whatever, I didn't like him anyway. Favor number two: can you get to the Georgia Dome for tonight's Chicago-Atlanta game and chart every Bears play. Then afterward, can you break down the film and send coach Lewis a detailed 76-page assessment of the Bears offense. It would really help the team out.

John: Sure Mr. Brown, you know I'd do anything for the Bengals. Do you have a press pass waiting for me or should I pick the tickets up at will call?

Mike Brown: Ha, Ha, you definitely have your dad's sense of humor. Come on John, the game is obviously sold out, it's Sunday night. Check stubhub for tickets and remember, we'll reimburse you 12 cents for every $3.00 you spend. Which is three more cents then we were giving Seamon before I furloughed him.

John: I don't know if that seems fair... I mean I would only get reimbursed four dollars if I bought a hundred dollar ticket.

Mike Brown: The answer to that is simple: buy a fifty dollar ticket. John, you have a lot to learn about being a thrifty businessman.

Mike hangs up, three seconds later, I get a text message: Don't forget 2 go 2 game, starts in 1 hr, plz also do asesmnt of Bear dfense, only need 63 pgs 4 that- Katie B. (dad doesn't text)

On the way to the game I discover three things: Everyone tailgates on the publicly provided train, the state's department of health does not recommend drinking tap water at the Georgia dome and all the Bears fans in Atlanta are black (When I found the two white Bears fans pictured below, I felt like I re-discovered a previously extinct species. Black Bears fans are picture above).

Finally after thoroughly scouting the Bears offense (which includes the video below) I think it's safe to say that as long as Matt Forte and Jay Cutler are playing this week, the Bengals are going to win by 26. Call your bookie right now or dial up your Uncle if he takes bets. In case the video is too grainy for you, it shows Dr. Fumble Matt Forte coughing one up at the goal line.

Friday, October 16, 2009

No Blackout for Bengals-Texans? Ocho Says He's Teamed Up with Motorola to Ensure Sunday Sellout (Free Ticket Update at Bottom of Page)

If you're a poor Cincinnatian who can't afford Bengals tickets and you were wondering how in the name of Boomer Esiason you were going to watch the Houston game this Sunday, worry no more.

At 1:05 p.m. on Twitter, our favorite outgoing receiver, Chad Ochocinco, announced that he's teamed up with Motorola to purchase the remaining tickets. There were believed to be about 2,000 left for Sunday's game.

The Bengals went on an all out blitz this week trying to sell tickets. On Monday morning the Bengals ticket office said there were about 7,500 non-premium seats left for Sunday's game.

Wednesday evening, operation "sell tickets or die" continued. Bengals all-time leading scorer Jim Breech hosted a conference call with Marvin Lewis, Ochocinco, Dhani Jones, Ray Maualuga and Andrew Whitworth. Over 13,000 Bengals fans listened in at some point during the hour long call.

By Thursday at 1 p.m., only 3,000 tickets were left. Because the Bengals were able to sell 4,500 tickets in three days, the NFL granted the team a 24-hour extension, a privilege usually reserved for clubs that are only 1,500 tickets short of a sell out.

Under normal circumstances, if an NFL game is not sold out within 72-hours of kickoff, it is not shown on local TV. If a team is close to selling out, the NFL will grant the team a 24-hour extension to sell the tickets. The Bengals had until 1 p.m. today to sell out the game.

Official word of the sell out is not expected from the Bengals until 4 p.m.

Again, no official announcement has come from the team. INSIC puts the sellout at 90-10 percent. We don't think there is anyway Chad would put his fun loving reputation on the line if the sell out wasn't going to happen.

Here's how we think the city should reward Chad, the next 85 kids born in the Greater Cincinnati Area should be named Ocho, Cinco or Awesome-O.

*Update* Cincinnati Enquirer beat writer Joe Reedy has confirmed the sellout with Channel 12 and the station now has a story up on their site.

*Update 2* Just when this story couldn't get any more ridiculously awesome, the Bengals official website announced at 2:35 p.m. that Motorola will be giving away 1200 free tickets to the game, per the website:

"The Bengals, Local 12 (CBS affiliate WKRC-TV in Cincinnati) and Motorola worked together to ensure the blackout would be lifted. As part of this plan, Motorola will give away 1,200 tickets (600 pairs of tickets) to Bengals fans for free, starting at 11:30 am Saturday at the North Ticket Office (next to the Bengals Pro Shop) at PBS. Motorola is a long-time sponsor of the Bengals and has a newly aligned partnership with Ochocinco."

Wow. Tomorrow's INSIC headline, "Riots hit Cincinnati for second time this decade."

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

WTF, We're In First Place: Bengals Knock Off Ravens, Sunday's Official Fan Diary

Montana-to-Rice, Manning-to-Harrison... Child Please.

Carson-to-Caldwell? All day.

For every Bengals fan that wasn't in Baltimore Sunday here's the official day long diary. It would have been up Monday, but 3,000 words is impossible to write on an airplane.

Characters in this story include me, Melissa (in the tiger skirt above), my friend Jeremy, my friend Justin, Justin's girlfriend (who up until Sunday only allegedly existed) and the 467 other Bengals fans in attendance:

10:23 p.m. Arrival in D.C.: We're staying at my buddy Jeremy's place. When I say Jeremy's my buddy, here's how I know him: He's my ex-girlfriend's little sister's ex-boyfriend. I've never read anything more made up either. On our way to his house, Melissa and I ride the Washington Metro (that's the train system for those of you that have never been to the nation's capitol). We spent 45 minutes on the train and out of 35 people we talked to, three spoke English. Turkish, Spanish and French Rosetta stones are now on my Christmas List.

1:24 a.m. At an apartment somewhere in the inner city, Jeremy almost commits involuntary suicide when he somehow breaks two wine glasses even though he wasn't drinking wine or holding glasses. His wrist should have been slit, he should be dead. He was wearing a Bengals 85 jersey when this happened. Every Bengals fan for the rest of the night is ridiculed.

7:54 a.m.: My alarm goes off, but no one wakes up. Lets try this again in 42 minutes. Our goal of being at D.C.'s Union Station by 8:45 a.m. is now shot to hell.

8:36 a.m.: Alarm goes off and I actually wake up this time. Thus starting my Bengals game day ritual. Every Sunday morning I play the Bengals touchdown song when I wake up. Also, I play it loudly, no matter where I am. On this particular Sunday, I was in a house with nine people, six of whom hate the Bengals. After 39 straight minutes of the touchdown song, it is clear that all six non-Bengals fans in the house now hate me, the song, the color orange and all people from Cincinnati.

9:24 a.m.: If you're ever in D.C. and you're looking to catch a train to Baltimore, it's probably a smart idea to look up the train schedule on the internet. For some reason I thought there would be trains leaving every five minutes. Nope, try every hour. Next train: 10:15 a.m. That news meant we were moving the tailgate party from an M&T Bank stadium parking lot to an Amtrak Train. If you've never tailgated on an Amtrak train before, I highly recommend it. Just remember, grills are not allowed. They are generally mistaken for bombs. Moral of the story: Things that look like bombs are frowned upon in Washington D.C.

10:12 a.m.: My girlfriend Mel decided she needed to buy a water, no one is shocked because the night before she drank six cans of nati light. Drinking nati light is always a horrible idea unless you're playing beer pong with a drunk freshman girl you're about to score with. Mel was not doing that. Anyway, Mel goes to get the water and she comes back with seven other things that are not water, among them: honey nut cheerios, oreo cookies, kool-aid, sprite, two percent milk and a taco shell. I didn't even know you could buy taco shells. Way to waste our money Mel. There are four other Bengals fans besides us on the train. We high five them every time we see them.

11:01 a.m.: I do a radio show every Sunday morning in Atlanta at 11 on 920 am WGKA. First problem of the day: I'm on the train at 11:01 a.m., meaning I'm not on the phone to the show. My first thought: I'll do the show by text message. Unfortunately you can't do the show by text message. Seriously, it's 2009, I can set the DVR on my TV from my f*cking cell phone but I can't do a radio show by text message. Technology can go to hell.

11:08 a.m.: Finally the train stops and I have a brilliant idea: "Hey Jeremy and Mel, while I'm doing the radio show, lets start walking to the stadium!!!"

"Hey John, how about we wait until the show is over and we take a cab."

"Gayest idea ever guys, the stadium is like one mile away."

Lesson learned here: The stadium is not one mile away from Penn Station. I did my radio show for 30 minutes, we walked at least three miles and the stadium was nowhere in site. So then, I had another brilliant idea:

"Lets take a cab"

Mel and Jeremy in unison, "You're the Browns offense of this trip. You suck more than words describe."

We get a cab.

11:41 a.m.: Cabbie drops us off at a Hilton hotel by the stadium. He says there is no way the Bengals can win today. If I've learned one thing in life it's this: cabbies know a lot about cricket, but nothing about professional football. We were meeting Justin and his girlfriend Lesley at a restaurant down the street. Jeremy and Mel noted that we needed some sprite for tailgating purposes. I run into a local Subway to buy a large sprite.

Me to the person behind the Subway counter: Hey yo, here's some money, can I have a large cup for Sprite?

Please keep in mind that there are 12 people in line at Subway and they're all Ravens fans. To them, me asking for a cup = me cutting in line.

Huge Ravens fan: If you get that cup and cut in front of me, you'll be leaving this place with something besides sprite.

Me: Like what, a fist to my face.

Ravens fan does not laugh, he gives me the "If you're not out of here in 11 seconds, I'm going to do something to you and then probably go to jail and I won't care one bit" face. I leave Subway sprite-less.

11:58 a.m.: After asking several pedestrians, I find out that the closest gas station is 11 miles away. Seriously!?! Where the hell do people get gas downtown. My crusade ends with no sprite, I head to the restaurant to meet the others.

12:14 p.m.: Mel has been at the restaurant for 16 minutes trying to get a drink for herself. Because she's a Bengals fan, she gets no service. Talk about profiling. To a .00001 percent degree, Mel can now empathize with black people in the 19th century.

12:31 p.m.: What I'm about to describe, I don't ever advocate doing. Mel orders a sprite from the waitress. Mel disappears into the bathroom for 8 minutes. Mel comes back with a sprite that is no longer clear. It now looks like Ginger Ale. We spend the next eight minutes guessing what she added to the drink and how long it will be before someone in our party gets arrested.

12:44 p.m.: After eating more Buffalo chicken spring rolls then should be legal, we go to the stadium.

12:58 p.m.: I'm not sure if Baltimore's newspapers are prominently featuring events that happened in 2006, but the number one thing we hear on the way to the stadium is, "hope none of your players got arrested last night (that's original retard)" and "We dey." I don't care who you are or what team you cheer for: We-dey wasn't funny when Bill Cowher said it the first time and it's gotten less funny since.

1:20 p.m.: As we near our seats, we hear the crowd roar. Thanks to an update from my sister, we knew the Bengals were driving, so in my head I thought two things: "St. Louis just F*cked us over or Carson threw a pic." 38 seconds later I get a text from my dad, a former Bengals kicker himself. The text says "high snap." For the rest of the game, I enjoy every Brad St. Louis snap because I know he's gone 8 seconds after the game ends (Update: it ended up being 48 hours, but who's counting).

1:24 p.m.: As Mel and I walk up to our seats someone yells, "SLUT," I say "why would you call her that," he says, "I'm talking to you." Third time in 18 years I've been called a slut, gets better every time.

1:52 p.m.: Why is the guy in the picture to the right pointing at my camera, why is his buddy making a face like he's about to french kiss an underage orphan... because Ed Reed takes an interception 52-yards to the house. At that exact point, about 17 Raven's fans say the same thing, "Ha ha, you're still the Bungles."

2:01 p.m.: The Bungles drive right down the field and quickly respond with a Shayne Graham field goal. Ravens fans say, "oh we're a bend and don't break defense." Um, no you're not. You're a break everyone's will defense and you're doing a horrible job of breaking our will today. The Bengals O is treating the Ravens D like Bobby Brown used to treat Whitney Houston.

Halftime 7-3 Ravens: At halftime I learn something fun, Ravens fans absolutely hate being called the Browns. There team is from Cleveland and every fan knows it. But they don't like to acknowledge it. It's kind of like when your kid grows up to be Jeffrey Dahmer, you try to keep that on the down low.

In the bathroom line I tell a few Ravens fans that the Browns defense was more impressive last week. Even though I back my statement up with facts and several examples, I am still exiled from the bathroom, forcing me to find a different one.

On my way to the next bathroom, I take a photo of the couple above who apparently got married and came straight to the game. If the game ends up foreshadowing their marriage, divorce is probably only days away.

Third Quarter: Back in my seat, me and some other Bengals fans spot this guy (Pictured right): the only thing more embarrassing than getting beat up by a girl would be getting beat up by this guy. All seven Bengals fans in my section agreed that there is no way the Ravens have ever won a game with him in attendance.

3:15 p.m.: Stadium security is called to our section because of an incident four rows in front of us. Why do I mention this? Because Cedric Benson scores on a 28-yard run and I'm not allowed to stand and cheer because the security guy says I am 'taunting' Ravens fans. I take a picture of the security guy, he is now on my list of people who I am going to set on fire if I ever become a crazed, revenge seeking murderer.

3:40 p.m.: The Ray Rice touchdown. Ravens fans have a smug look on their face, I ask them why and they tell me "You guys lucked into your 10 points today," (We didn't, our offense has rocked the Raven defense, but I can't wait to hear the rest of this guy's statement) "And our defense never gives up game-winning scores." (Bingo, that's what I wanted to hear). This is like Ronald Goldman saying to Nicole Brown Simpson, "I'm kind of scared of your ex-husband," and she says, "Oh don't worry, he would never commit double-murder."

3:56 p.m.: Ravens fans are crying about the penalties. Apparently they don't understand the helmet-to-helmet rule. One fan actually tried to tell me the Ray Lewis hit on Ocho should have been a no-call. He said this with a straight face.

3:57 p.m.: Palmer to Caldwell. Silence from Ravens fans. 500 Bengals fans started screaming in a way that made you think they won the lottery and lost their virginity at the same time. Everyone in purple starts leaving the stadium. Bengals fans start high fiving anyone with at least one hand.

4:08 p.m.: Pictured right, Bengals fans decided to convene after the game and "who dey" every Ravens fan that walked by. An officer that happened to be a Steelers fan made sure no one got the piss beaten out of them. We all agreed that the guy in the blue shirt giving the 'shocker' probably should have been punched at least once.

4:19 p.m.: Jeremy exits the stadium parking lot in style as Mel trails behind calling every number in her cell phone to tell them the Bengals won. Mel doesn't seem to understand that CBS broadcasts the game nationally to Bengals fans all over the country. Kudos to any of her friends who acted surprised at the news.

Quick Epilogue: At 9:30 p.m. Sunday night, Jeremy, Mel and I ordered $60 of chinese food. We seriously could have fed half of China with what we ordered.

Monday night on the way home from the airport, a homeless drifter jumped in front of our car and Mel had to swerve at the last second to keep from killing him. After 13 awkward seconds, I say, "Mel, I'll be honest, I don't think I could date anyone with vehicular manslaughter to their name." Mel makes me walk the rest of the way home.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Guess Who's In the AFC North Driver's Seat After Sunday's Bengals-Ravens Game?

It's Never Sunny In Cincinnati presents its weekly victory video. Denver suicide girl has two new co-stars. Check back tomorrow night for a full diary on what the F*ck happened in Baltimore.

Friday, October 9, 2009

The Blog Will Be Live From Baltimore Sunday For Ravens-Bengals

INSIC is well aware that most Bengals fans won't be able to make it to Baltimore for this Sunday's AFC North showdown with the Ravens. That's why we decided to send someone.

If no one is arrested for assault, lewd conduct or kicking a Ravens fan's ass, then you can be confident that the blog will be updated with something fun by Monday night.

We had a longer post planned today, but we thought that instead we would send our condolences out to Bengals defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer who lost his wife Vikki Thursday night. The two had been married for 27 years. The cause of her death is currently unknown. The Cincinnati Enquirer has the details.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

United & Delta Airlines to Bengals Fans: Get Your Asses to Baltimore

Just as a drug addict spends their week looking for cheap meth. Bengals fans should be spending their week looking for cheap flights to Baltimore.

Well, you can stop looking for cheap flights now because INSIC has done the dirty work for you.

If you're a rich, die-hard Bengals fan (and by rich, we mean if you have $300 in disposable income) YOU can afford to go the first Bengals game in four years that involves a battle for FIRST PLACE in the division.

United Airlines, you know, the airline that everyone has heard of but no one has actually flown on, has a sweet deal for Bengals fans in Cincinnati. You can fly from Cincy (CVG) to Wash D.C. (DCA, 40 minutes from Baltimore) for a mere $113 round trip. (By the way, we should mention that since Delta has a monopoly at CVG, they went ahead and undercut United's price. Delta is offering a flight for $105 that leaves Saturday and returns Monday, check expedia)

Buy a $100 ticket to the game on Craigslist and bam, you have $87 left to spend on cheap vodka or a hotel. Actually, Baltimore is such a trashy city that you might be able to stretch that $87 to pay for cheap vodka AND a hotel.

As Boomer Esiason always says, 'the more Bengals fans in Baltimore, the better.'

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Vegas to Cincinnati Bengals Fans: Your Team Still Sucks

For a second, lets forget about Brad St. Louis, blocked extra points and how worthless Chris Henry has been this season. The only thing INSIC is pissed about this week is the spread for Sunday's Bengals-Ravens game.

Since most Bengals fans out there aren't degenerate gamblers like everyone here at INSIC, you probably haven't seen the line for Sunday's Bengals-Ravens game. (If you've never gambled, done drugs or killed someone before, here's how you gamble: Vegas bookmakers set a line on a game that favors one team to win. Their ultimate goal is to get 50 percent of the bets on one team and 50 percent on the other team, so they favor one team by a certain amount of points. You, the degenerate gambler then decide who to bet on after the line is revealed)

Usually when two one loss teams play a week five game, the line is close: for example, the 49ers (3-1) and Falcons (2-1) play this Sunday in San Francisco. San Fran is favored by 2.5. This means, if you bet on San Francisco to cover, they would have to win by three for you to win money.

So how many points are the Ravens favored by in this Sunday's AFC North showdown? Three? Four? Five and a half? No, No and no.

The bookies in Vegas have Baltimore as 8.5 point favorites. Are you serious? The only team that opened up as a bigger underdog was the Detroit Lions. Is this for real? I haven't been this pissed since NBC canceled Knight Rider.

Do the oddsmakers really think the second biggest blowout of the day is going to be Baltimore over our Bengals? Really?

I hope Amy Winehouse gives every bookie in Vegas some incurable STD this weekend because their basically saying, 'we have more faith that god is a polar bear who eats starving orphans then we do that the Bengals are going to win the AFC North.'

So yes Bengals fans, kind of like 82 percent of all breasts in the Greater Los Angeles area, most people don't think we're for real.

INSIC will be dropping $20 on the Bengals to win Sunday and when they do, we're taking our $63 in winnings to Blackfinn and giving it to the newest member of the Bengals bandwagon: Danity Kane's Aubrey O'Day. Thanks to someone at Who Dey Revolution for providing us with this awesome picture.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Bengals Over Browns in OT: INSIC Founder John Breech Discovers the 'Browns' on His Patio and Smashes the 'Browns' in Celebration

Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati Founder John Breech couldn't go to the bathroom during Overtime because there are no commercials. So what did he do?

Breech let the 'Browns' out on his patio after the game and then smashed them in honor of the Bengals victory.

By the way, he sang the touchdown song in ocapella, so we should probably cut him some slack.

**We think Breech used fake poop, but we cannot be sure because we did not sniff his shoe.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Boomer Esiason Spotted In Atlanta After Bengals Big Win Over Pittsburgh Steelers

Two days after the Bengals sucker punched the Steelers in a win that had all of Cincinnati on a high that only a coke addict could understand, Boomer Esiason was spotted in Atlanta.

An intrepid INSIC reporter took this photo of Boomer walking down the street of a suburb in Atlanta. The former Bengals quarterback appears to be carrying a Mattress Firm newspaper insert and sporting jeans that are seven sizes to big.

*UPDATE* Many people have written in telling us that Boomer Esiason is white, so they don't believe it's him. We can explain that away in four words, 'reverse Michael Jackson disease.'

Another astute reader made this point, "Even if the guy in the picture was white, why would Boomer wear his jersey around the city, that's just stupid, like this website."

We wrote back, "This web site may be stupid, but we're not the ones responding to Boomer Esiason sightings made by random blogs."

INSIC'S Thoughts on the Pic: When Atlanta residents are wearing Boomer Esiason throwback jerseys, you know the country is catching Bengal fever. That or this guy got the jersey free from Goodwill in December of last year when we were sitting at 1-11-1.

Who cares why he's wearing it, Bengals 31-10 over the Brownies.