Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Cincinnati Bengals Owner Mike Brown Proves He's Not Cheap by Sending INSIC to Atlanta to Scout the Bears

By john breech

It was 7:17 p.m. Sunday evening when the phone call came, it was Bengals owner Mike Brown and he was frantic.

Mike Brown: John, our head scout/only scout Greg Seamon is on vacation. Well, actually, I furloughed him, but that's beside the point, I need a big favor from you.

John: Let me guess, you forgot to DVR 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' again and you want me to tell you what happened.

Mike Brown: No, well yes, wait, I guess I need two favors. First, I need you to tell me what happened on Real Housewives of Atlanta, I heard former Falcon Ed Hartwell is trying to make a comeback, based on the three minutes he was in the episode, do you think he could play tight end for us?

John: No, he's a linebacker. And no I don't think he could play linebacker for us either.

Mike Brown: Whatever, I didn't like him anyway. Favor number two: can you get to the Georgia Dome for tonight's Chicago-Atlanta game and chart every Bears play. Then afterward, can you break down the film and send coach Lewis a detailed 76-page assessment of the Bears offense. It would really help the team out.

John: Sure Mr. Brown, you know I'd do anything for the Bengals. Do you have a press pass waiting for me or should I pick the tickets up at will call?

Mike Brown: Ha, Ha, you definitely have your dad's sense of humor. Come on John, the game is obviously sold out, it's Sunday night. Check stubhub for tickets and remember, we'll reimburse you 12 cents for every $3.00 you spend. Which is three more cents then we were giving Seamon before I furloughed him.

John: I don't know if that seems fair... I mean I would only get reimbursed four dollars if I bought a hundred dollar ticket.

Mike Brown: The answer to that is simple: buy a fifty dollar ticket. John, you have a lot to learn about being a thrifty businessman.

Mike hangs up, three seconds later, I get a text message: Don't forget 2 go 2 game, starts in 1 hr, plz also do asesmnt of Bear dfense, only need 63 pgs 4 that- Katie B. (dad doesn't text)

On the way to the game I discover three things: Everyone tailgates on the publicly provided train, the state's department of health does not recommend drinking tap water at the Georgia dome and all the Bears fans in Atlanta are black (When I found the two white Bears fans pictured below, I felt like I re-discovered a previously extinct species. Black Bears fans are picture above).

Finally after thoroughly scouting the Bears offense (which includes the video below) I think it's safe to say that as long as Matt Forte and Jay Cutler are playing this week, the Bengals are going to win by 26. Call your bookie right now or dial up your Uncle if he takes bets. In case the video is too grainy for you, it shows Dr. Fumble Matt Forte coughing one up at the goal line.

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