Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Bye, Bye, Bye: Bengals Head into Bye Week on Roll After Euthanizing Bears

If you're one of those people that likes to take a shot of whiskey every time the Bengals score a touchdown, then your blackout from Sunday probably just ended today. If you're one of those people that likes to take a shot every time the Bengals score a point, then your probably reading this from the emergency room of your local hospital.
(The Bear at right was pictured throwing up in a trash can after watching Jay Cutler's performance Sunday)
The 45-10 win over the Bears was exciting, but it now brings upon us what should be the two most dreaded words in a Bengals fan's vernacular: 'Bye Week.'

Most people attribute the Bengals lack of success over the past 19 years to Owner Mike Brown, I say shut your mouth before I smack you, because that's just not true. The real culprit: the bye week.

Since the NFL instituted the mandatory week off back in 1990 the Bengals have gone 4-15-1 following the bye. Only Kevin Costner has had less success in the same time period (Seriously Kevin: Waterworld, Swing Vote, Open Range, The Postman. Is your agent illiterate, do you have an agent? Who the hell is picking out your scripts?)

Here's a quick look at the Bengals record going into the bye week since 1990:

1990: 5-4 (TYOTLPW or as most Bengals fans know it, 'The Year of the Last Playoff Win')
1991: 0-4
1992: 2-2 (If it weren't for Brett "F*cking' Favre, the Bengals would have been 3-1 and maybe Dave Shula looks like the best coaching hire in NFL history. I blame Brett Favre for everything from Global warming to the unemployment rate in Detroit)
1993: 0-4, 0-7 (Someone in the NFL offices was smoking a lot of pot prior to the 1993 season, that's the only way to explain why anyone would think two byes in one season would be a good idea. Free hand grenades for homeless people would be a better idea than two byes)
1994: 0-5
1995: 2-4
1996: 1-2
1997: 1-1
1998: 1-3 (Secretly, this is my favorite non-playoff season ever. You're probably thinking, "John, the Bengals went 3-13, I'd rather watch a porn starring Susan Boyle than talk about this season." To that I say, "The Bengals may have gone 3-13, but lets break that down. 2-0 against the Steelers, 1-13 against everyone else. Take that Pittsburgh, put that in your steel city poop pipe")
1999: 4-10
2000: 0-0 (The NFL got so pissed at Mike Brown's ineptitude that they gave the Bengals a week one bye. What in the name of Jeff Query are you supposed to do with an opening week bye?)
2001: 4-3 (It only took a decade, but the Bengals finally go into a bye week over .500. How did they respond? By losing the next 7 games after the bye and finishing 6-10.)
2002: 0-6
2003: 1-4
2004: 1-3
2005: 7-2
2006: 3-1
2007: 1-3
2008: 1-8
2009: 5-2

What does all of this mean? Absolutely nothing. Tomorrow, INSIC will go game by game down the Bengals remaining schedule and predict the outcome of each contest, after we do that, you'll know why Chad's smile is so big in the picture at the bottom of the page.

On a semi-related note, if you stopped watching Letterman because he was having sex with anything that wasn't stapled down in his office (or maybe you stopped watching because he's not funny), you may want to catch his show this Thursday because Ochocinco is going to be a guest.

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