Saturday, May 23, 2009

Mass Suicide Averted in Cleveland After LeBron Hits Three-Point Prayer to Beat Magic

By John Breech/Staff

LeBron James' miraculous game-winning basket Friday night not only won the Cavaliers game two of the Eastern Conference Finals, but it looks like the shot also saved the lives of over one million Clevelanders.

"I don't care what anybody tells you, a mass suicide was going to happen," says Joe Fagerton who was leaving the only downtown bar in the city that stays open past 6:30 p.m. "After we lost the Browns to Baltimore in 1996, everyone in the city agreed that if we got [pooped] on again, we were going to kill ourselves."

According to Fagerton, Mayor Frank Jackson requires every citizen in the city to carry around a cyanide pill. Jackson, who says he refers to Cleveland as 'Jonestown' sometimes, didn't deny Fagerton's accustation.

"First of all, we live in Cleveland which is bad enough, then you throw in the whole Elway 'Drive' thing, the Jordan shot in 1989 that knocked the Cavs out of the playoffs, the 1995 and 1997 World Series where we lose to the Braves and Marlins. I mean the Braves, are you kidding, they lost like 20 World Series in the 90's and the only one they win is against us. Then the Marlins, what the [expletive removed], they had been a team for like three months when they beat us and now they've won more championships then every pro sports team in the city combined."

Jackson continued further, "Then Art Modell moves our beloved Browns, which you can't really blame him for because living here is like living in a cat's litter box that hasn't been cleaned in four years. But still, he moved the team. LeBron James is all we have going for us... Well that and we might win the 'who's been the butt of the most jokes since 1985' contest against Michael Jackson."

The Mayor later explained that for some Clevelanders, the losses are taking their toll.

"After the game one loss [to the Magic], some people just couldn't take it anymore, so they took their pill," laments the Mayor. "And I can't blame them, I mean if I had a choice between living in Cleveland or being dead, lets just say I wouldn't be living in Cleveland."

The Mayor said that thanks to Lebron's shot, the city's collective suicide is now on hold... unless the Cavs lose the series that is. "It's definitely possible that they lose, I mean we're prepared for that. What most people don't understand is how serious we are," the Mayor says. "But we proved our point back in 97, a small group of Clevelanders out in San Diego said that if the Indians lost to the Marlins in the World Series, they would end their lives and they did exactly that..."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Hot White Female Hotel Employees Under the Age of 25 Given Weekend Off in Colorado

It's Never Sunny in Cincinnati was shocked to learn today that young attractive white females in the Colorado hotel industry will not have to show up for work this weekend per a gubernatorial order.

Although details are still murky, it appears that governor Bill Ritter Jr. sent a memo out to every Marriott, Hilton, and Motel 6 in the state asking managers not to schedule any employees that have "huge breasts and/or a round ass."

"We're not sure exactly what's going on," said a Marriot concierge who asked not to be indentified because of the sensitive nature of the situation. "However, the rumor is that Ritter is worried because this is the first time Kobe will spend more than 24 hours in Colorado since.... uh.... well, you know..."

When reached for comment, the governor refused to admit such a memo existed, although he did state that his incredibly hot 22-year-old daughter Heather, who works at a Denver area Doubletree Hotel, would be spending the weekend "somewhere really far away, probably Canada."

A spokesperson for the governor did offer this statement, "It is very common in the state of Colorado for one gender or age group or race to be given time off once in awhile. During black history month, we let black people come to work five minutes late on a day of their choosing. On Cinco De Mayo, the state wide Mexican population was given a coupon for a free Taco Bell nachos supreme. This weekend, we just happen to be requesting that incredibly attractive young females don't work their hotel jobs."

This may all relate to the Kobe Bryant rape incident (charges were dropped) that took place in Cordillera, Co. in 2003, but without more information, it's hard to say. INSIC will offer further details on the matter as they become available.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

If You Love Incredibly Bad Movies, Then You're Going to Love: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

(Periodically, INSIC will review movies so that you don't get stuck wasting your hard-earned money on flicks like 'Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.' Since our Baby Mama review was an internet sensation, we decided it was time for another one. Remember, all movie reviews on It's Never Sunny In Cincinnati will be limited to a maximum of one paragraph. Note: this week we are previewing a movie that has blockbuster written all over it, and you'll be thanking us afterward)

This is INSIC's pick for picture of the week. The only thing that could have beaten it would have been a picture of a six-month-old human baby breast feeding from a starving polar bear, but we couldn't find one of those.

If the above picture doesn't make you want to see Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, we don't know what will. As everyone knows, nothing is cooler then sharks, except for super giant sharks.

If a shark eating the Golden Gate Bridge intrigues you, check out the trailer for this future Oscar winner here.

A review may follow, but its probably safe to say it won't.

Monday, May 11, 2009

John Breech Takes a Ridiculously Early Look at the AFC North

Here’s the cold hard truth football fans; the AFC North is the toughest division in football. If you need too, grab a glass of water and take a second to swallow that last statement.

After last year’s AFC Championship game was over, I had to ice both my knees, down a bottle of Advil and get a kidney removed… and I only watched the game. Who knows how Ray Lewis or Ben Roethlisberger felt afterward.

Year in and year out the North lays the proverbial smack down on the rest of the NFL. Just think about it. The Steelers defense has more hits then Pete Rose. Ray Lewis has been killing people (both on and off the field) for the better part of a decade. The Bengals offense has been virtually unstoppable (at least when Ryan Fitzpatrick isn’t running it) and the Browns, well they’re like a cute three-legged puppy that you kind of hope someone will put to sleep.

As hard as it is to believe, there’s actually been parity in the division over the last five years. As a matter of fact, three different teams have won it since 2005. That makes trying to do a prediction almost impossible.

If I was writing about the AFC West, it would take me 23 words and two paragraphs. Chargers, Broncos, Chiefs, Raiders; there I’m already done.

For the last three years the West has been the football equivalent of Enron. It’s getting to the point where the winning team should just get a DVD player and season three of MacGyver instead of a playoff berth.

That being said, let’s stop making fun of the West and start looking at the 2009 AFC North. I’ll list the team, their predicted record and the percentage chance that they make the playoffs.

Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4) 88 Percent

Last year the Steelers won the Super Bowl with the hardest schedule in football. This year they get to play the Lions. That’s like telling Chuck Liddell, “Hey Chuck, remember last year when we put you in a cage match with Anderson Silva and a 1,000 pound black bear and somehow you managed to pin both of them, tough I know, well this year we’re thinking about having you wrestle Screech Powers and a house cat.”

Trust me, the Steelers are laughing at their schedule and that’s mainly because it only contains six games against playoff teams, four of which are at home.

Besides stealing WR Shaun McDonald from the Lions, this will virtually be the same Super Bowl winning cast of characters that you saw last season.

Cincinnati Bengals (10-6) 61 percent

The Bengals offseason has been like a four-year-old’s birthday party. It’s as if they just sent out invitations to every free agent alive that said something like, “Ryan Fitzpatrick is no longer our quarterback, please come play for us.”

Apparently this ploy worked because Tank Johnson, J.T. O’Sullivan, Laveranues Coles and Roy Williams all showed up bearing gifts. Johnson brought the gift of being the baddest man alive. O’Sullivan isn’t exactly an upgrade at the backup quarterback position, considering he lost his starting job in San Francisco to Shaun Hill, which is actually pretty embarrassing when you think about it.

Lets put O’Sullivan’s San Francisco situation in perspective, that would be like your boss coming in your office and saying, “Mike, we’re firing you and not only are we firing you, but we’re replacing you with a chipmunk. Mainly it’s because he’s cheaper, but some of the higher ups actually do think he does a better job.”

Anyway, Coles is here to replace Housh and Roy Williams is here to show the defensive vets how to make a horse collar tackle without being flagged for it. This season has success written all over it. Anything less than eight wins means it’s time for Marvin Lewis to move on. Oh and by the way, if Carson Palmer gets injured the Bengals playoff percentage falls to (-3.1%)

Baltimore Ravens (8-8) 50 percent

The problem with the Ravens is that every time a new season starts they get one year older. Father time says this defense only has one or two more good years in them.

If you stay up late at night watching old episodes of M*A*S*H, then you know that Baltimore’s sideline was like last year. Ed Reed, Fabian Washington and Samari Rolle all spent time nursing injuries to some part of their body. You could also throw in CB Chris McAlister and LB Terrell Suggs. Actually, now that I think about it, it would probably save some space if I just named defensive people who didn’t get injured last year.

Offensively, it doesn’t look any better for Balitmore. NFL quarterbacks tend to struggle in their sophomore seasons for one reason; opposing defensive coordinators adjust to them. Joe Flacco should be the last person picked in every fantasy draft this year, he’s going to fail, trust me. He’ll be handing the ball off to Willis McGahee 40 times a game and when he does throw it, everyone in the front row should take cover. That’s right Ravens fans, you’re topping out at 8-8.

Cleveland Browns (6-10) 31 percent

The only thing that you need to know about the Browns is actually nothing. They signed WR’s Mike Furrey and David Patten which would have been good moves if Brady Quinn didn’t hit his prime his junior year at Notre Dame. The NFL obviously has some sick sadistic obsession with Cleveland because really, there is no other way to explain their two primetime games.

Let’s just put it this way, the Browns would be 3-13 material if the AFC North wasn’t matched up with the NFC North and AFC West. Browns fans, I’ll save you the suspense of the 2009 season and go ahead and tell you who you’re going to beat this year: Lions, Packers, Chiefs, Raiders, Broncos and the Ravens once. There that was easy. Oh and the Packers and Ravens predictions are both stretches, so lets say 4-12.

As the New England Patriots proved last year, double digit wins doesn’t always mean playoffs. However, I implore Bengals fans to buy playoff ticket vouchers now. Forget paying rent this month (sorry Preston); I’ll be snatching up about 17 of those bad boys. Ladies and Gentleman, you’re 2009 AFC North.

And for all of you Mike Brown haters out there, yes, I am still trying to create an illegal money laundering scheme that would keep Mr. Brown from making money on Bengals tickets. So far I've been unsuccessful, but I've been watching a lot of McGyver lately, so I should make some headway soon.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Favre Watch, Day 472: Reports Say Favre Might Play for Every NFL Team This Season

By John Breech/Staff

In what comes as a shock to absolutely no one, Brett Favre announced today that he will attempt to play for all 32 NFL teams during the upcoming 2009 football season. His only stipulation so far is that he must be named the starter for any and all clubs he would play for. Favre, who hates the media and is more emotional than a teenage girl that just saw The Notebook, held a press conference via cell phone text message earlier this afternoon.

Minutes into his press conference, the former Packer legend was insulted when Ed Werder from ESPN sent him a text that read:

“How u going 2 start 4 32 teams n 16 games, math doesn’t add up.”

Favre annoyingly answered Werder’s question by explaining that if he plays one half of football each week for a different team, then his goal would be highly attainable. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell then immediately sent out a mass text to the media elaborating on what was surely going to be the next question:

“Can you legally trade a player at halftime?”

According to Goodell, the answer is yes. However, Goodell did note that if the answer actually isn't 'yes,' he would make it 'yes' as soon 'as humanly possible.'

John Clayton, who was reporting from a trash can on Favre’s driveway, sent in this text:

“2 questions, rumors say you were going 2 Vikings and do u think a 7-year-old girl could take me in a fist fight?”

Favre answered that one with, “Yes, the Vikings were an option, but then I thought, ‘we all know I’m not retiring until I play for all 32 teams except the Lions, so why not just get it over with now.’ So that’s what I’m going to do. And to answer your second question, if the young girl was blindfolded or sleeping, you might have a chance.”

Twelve minutes into the interview, the press conference abruptly ended when Favre changed his mind and decided he didn’t want to have a press conference any more. Seconds after the press conference concluded, Favre reportedly killed his cat because he decided he likes dogs better.

Just like ESPN, Its Never Sunny In Cincinnati will extensively cover every decision Brett Favre makes this offseason, no matter how trivial. As a matter of fact, Chris Mortenson just reported seconds ago that Favre will be eating Kix for breakfast tomorrow morning. Keep reading for the latest updates.