Saturday, May 23, 2009

Mass Suicide Averted in Cleveland After LeBron Hits Three-Point Prayer to Beat Magic

By John Breech/Staff

LeBron James' miraculous game-winning basket Friday night not only won the Cavaliers game two of the Eastern Conference Finals, but it looks like the shot also saved the lives of over one million Clevelanders.

"I don't care what anybody tells you, a mass suicide was going to happen," says Joe Fagerton who was leaving the only downtown bar in the city that stays open past 6:30 p.m. "After we lost the Browns to Baltimore in 1996, everyone in the city agreed that if we got [pooped] on again, we were going to kill ourselves."

According to Fagerton, Mayor Frank Jackson requires every citizen in the city to carry around a cyanide pill. Jackson, who says he refers to Cleveland as 'Jonestown' sometimes, didn't deny Fagerton's accustation.

"First of all, we live in Cleveland which is bad enough, then you throw in the whole Elway 'Drive' thing, the Jordan shot in 1989 that knocked the Cavs out of the playoffs, the 1995 and 1997 World Series where we lose to the Braves and Marlins. I mean the Braves, are you kidding, they lost like 20 World Series in the 90's and the only one they win is against us. Then the Marlins, what the [expletive removed], they had been a team for like three months when they beat us and now they've won more championships then every pro sports team in the city combined."

Jackson continued further, "Then Art Modell moves our beloved Browns, which you can't really blame him for because living here is like living in a cat's litter box that hasn't been cleaned in four years. But still, he moved the team. LeBron James is all we have going for us... Well that and we might win the 'who's been the butt of the most jokes since 1985' contest against Michael Jackson."

The Mayor later explained that for some Clevelanders, the losses are taking their toll.

"After the game one loss [to the Magic], some people just couldn't take it anymore, so they took their pill," laments the Mayor. "And I can't blame them, I mean if I had a choice between living in Cleveland or being dead, lets just say I wouldn't be living in Cleveland."

The Mayor said that thanks to Lebron's shot, the city's collective suicide is now on hold... unless the Cavs lose the series that is. "It's definitely possible that they lose, I mean we're prepared for that. What most people don't understand is how serious we are," the Mayor says. "But we proved our point back in 97, a small group of Clevelanders out in San Diego said that if the Indians lost to the Marlins in the World Series, they would end their lives and they did exactly that..."

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