Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Carson Palmer Traded to Raiders plus Bengals Fans Rejoice and is Mike Brown the new Thomas Jefferson?

Carson Palmer's fake smile is Oakland's problem now.
The only way Tuesday could have been better for Bengals fans is if Mike Brown would have fired himself.

Brown's incredibly crazy, stubborn strategy of holding on to Carson Palmer paid off in a huge way Tuesday morning when the Raiders gave the Bengals a 2012 first round pick and 2013 second round pick for the much maligned quarterback. The 2013 pick becomes a first round pick if the Raiders make the AFC Championship game in 2011 or 2012.

Is Mike Brown the new
Danny Ocean? INSIC
says yes.
I haven't seen a heist like this since the third time I saw Ocean's 11. And the fact that it was masterminded by Mike Brown makes it even harder to believe.

But lets be honest, Brown didn't exactly mastermind this, it fell into his lap. This would be like dumping your girlfriend and then going to Costco and having a 3-some with two of the cashiers there who also happen to be lingerie models.

Three thoughts from the biggest in-season trade in NFL history.


I'm going to compare Mike Brown to Thomas Jefferson. I completely understand the shocking nature of the prior sentence, if you aren't prepared for the comparison, please feel free to skip to the next thought. Also feel free to punch me in the face next time you see me.

The Palmer-to-Raiders trade is the Louisiana Purchase of NFL deals.

For you non-history buffs or people who are too drunk right now to remember anything from sixth grade, here's the Louisiana Purchase in a nut shell: Napoleon was dealing with all sorts of crap in Europe and he needed money really, really, really, really bad (Kind of like the Raiders needed a quarterback really, really, really, really bad).

Napoleon was so desperate that he was willing to do anything non-sexual for money. He called up his boy Thomas Jefferson and offered the Louisiana Territory at a below market price.

Sidebar: The Louisiana Territory is made up of a bunch of great plains states that no one likes to visit, but it doubled the size of the country.

Better deal: Louisiana Purchase, getting two first round picks
for Carson Palmer or paying $5 to get to second base with a bear.

Long story short: Jefferson had all the leverage (Mike Brown had all the leverage in the Palmer trade) and T. Jeff ended up paying 3 CENTS a square mile for the Louisiana Territory.

Napoleon got what he wanted ($15 million), Jefferson got what he wanted -- he took advantage of Napoleon like a guy takes advantage of a drunk girl who's on her first rebound date after being dumped -- and everyone was happy.

Mike Brown got what he wanted -- two first round picks. And lets not kid ourselves, the Raiders probably threw in a Kroger Plus card.

The Raiders got what they wanted -- a starting quarterback. Everyone went home happy.


Mike Brown doesn't make this deal under the old collective bargaining agreement (CBA).

If you bore easily, skip the next five paragraphs.

The NFL lockout was because of the old CBA. Prior to 2009, contracts for first round picks were gigantic, for instance, Matthew Stafford, the 2009 first round pick, signed for 6-years, $72 million with $41.7 million of that guaranteed.

Mike Brown is the stingiest person in the world. Its common knowledge that he hangs around homeless people and asks them for change. Mike Brown doesn't want to give $41.7 million to anyone.

Under the new CBA, he doesn't have too. Cam Newton, the first pick of the 2011 draft, only signed for $22 million guaranteed. That's $20 million less than Stafford got. You know what that means. It means Brown can afford two 2012 first round picks for the price of one 2009 first round pick. The Bengals also save about $40 million in contract money by getting rid of Palmer.

Bottom line: Mike Brown is still a cheap skate. If there were no NFL lockout he wouldn't have made this deal. Wasting money on first round picks is why he turned down the Redskins offer for Ochocinco in 2008 and why he turned down the Saints offer for Ricky Williams in the 1998 draft.

Quick refresher: in 1998, the Saints were going to pretty much give the Bengals all of their picks just so they could move up in the draft and take Ricky Williams. Because Mike Brown has the football acumen of a hairless cat, he passed up the offer.

Carson's only friend left in
Cincinnati is this guy.

Carson Palmer is going to kick ass in Oakland. This one's obvious right?

All Bengals fans know how Bengals karma works. A player leaves the team only to find incredible success somewhere else.

Exhibit A: Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Exhibit B: Everyone that's ever played for the Bengals and gone onto to play for another team.**

**This does not apply to Shayne Graham. There can only be one productive red-head in the league at a time. Luckily for Bengals fans, its Andy Dalton right now.

Anyway, using this logic, we can ascertain that Palmer will win 11 Super Bowls, four MVP awards and the Powerball lottery while he's playing for the Raiders.

Oh and look for Carson Palmer to start Sunday against the Chiefs because God knows Kyle Boller isn't going too.

Bengals-Colts Pick, plus Absolutely Nothing Else

Week 6 picks were put up late, here's proof they were finished on time.
by john breech

(Editor's note: the INSIC internet connection was down this weekend, for the sake of continuity, we're publishing our picks from week 6)

There was one email in the INSIC inbox this week, which is one more than there was last month. It said something about "blah, blah, blah, please explain the picks you make each week and stop with the power rankings, no one cares about power rankings that don't make sense."

First of all, they do make sense. Second of all, they kind of don't. So with that in mind. We're going all game picks this week.

Week 6 Picks

Indianapolis at Cincinnati: If you would have told me last April that the starting quarterbacks in this game would be Andy Dalton and Curtis Painter. I would have punched you in the face, set your car on fire and then stolen your shoes. Curtis Painter is going to get punched in the face today by the Bengals defense. Bengals 24-17. 

Cleveland at Oakland: The Raiders are planning some sort of wild celebration/funeral for the game Sunday. You have to figure they can milk at least three victories out of Al Davis' death. By the way, Raiders fans are so crazy that no one should be surprised if riots break out in Oakland if the Raiders win this game. Let the riots start, Raiders 28-20 over the Browns.

San Francisco at Detroit: When I can't decide who to pick in a game, I generally go with the team that Alex Smith doesn't play for. Lions 27-20 over San Francisco. 

Carolina at Atlanta: The formula for picking Panthers games is pretty simple this season: Cam Newton will throw for 900 yards and Carolina will lose. So I'll say Newton throws for 900 yards and Carolina loses 31-28. 

St. Louis at Green Bay: If the Packers lose this game, I will do one of two things: I will cut Aaron Rodgers from my fantasy team and get made fun of by everyone in my league or I will cut the big toe off of my left foot. Please vote in the comments section which you would like to see, but only if the Packers lose. Green Bay 34-17 over St. Louis.

Is Homeless to Harvard actually
the Ryan Fitzpatrick story?
Buffalo at New York Giants: Three years ago I got drunk and watched a movie on Lifetime called "Homeless to Harvard." Its about some homeless girl who eventually goes to Harvard. I also feel like its Ryan Fitzpatrick's life story, so I'm picking the Bills. Buffalo 27-24 over the Giants.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh: When it comes to picking NFL games, I have three rules: never pick the Steelers, never bet on Blaine Gabbert and always take the Steelers at home against a team quarterbacked by Blaine Gabbert. I think some these rules contradict each other, so I'm just going to take the Steelers 31-21. 

Philadelphia at Washington: If the Eagles lose this game THEIR SEASON IS OVER. Andy Reid only loses important games at the end of the season, which means the Eagles win this one 30-27.

Houston at Baltimore: Unfortunately for Houston, they only do two things in Maryland: crab cakes and football. Ravens 27-21 over the Texans.

Dallas at New England: Tony Romo in a big game is like letting an anorexic loose in an all-you-can eat buffet. Its not going to be pretty. Patriots over the Cowboys 34-24. 

New Orleans at Tampa Bay: Drew Brees to Jimmy Graham is the new Montana to Rice. I'll take the Saints 30-24.

The Dolphins have to be the frontrunners
in the "Suck for Luck" campaign.
Minnesota at Chicago: Chicago is a decent team and decent teams don't get embarrassed on national television two weeks in a row. Using my horrible logic, this means since the Bears lost last week, they can't lose this week. Bears 24-17 over the Vikings.

Miami Dolphins at New York Jets: Hey Miami, its called "Suck for Luck," not "Give up in the second quarter and forfeit for Luck." So anyway, I think the Dolphins give up in the second quarter and forfeit. I'll take the Jets 27-14. 

Week 5 Picks

Straight-up: 9-4
SU Overall: 55-22
Against the Spread: 8-5
ATS Overall: 43-34
Exact Week 5 Picks: 0
Exact Picks Overall: 2

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Bengals-Jaguars Pick, Plus How Al Davis Indirectly Started INSIC

"Al, I am your father."
Since Al Davis died Saturday, it only makes sense to start today's post off with a quick Al Davis story.

Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati founder John Breech is the son of former Bengals kicker and all around bad ass Jim Breech. Unbeknownst to many Bengals fans, Jim was drafted by the Detroit Lions in 1978. Yup, that's right, the Lions.

Jim Breech played for the Raiders?
Anyway, the Lions cut Breech in '78 and he was left without a job. For one year, Breech was out of the NFL, it looked like he was going to spend the rest of his life making homemade diapers for a living.

That is until 1979 when Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders called. Breech went to training camp in '79, won the kicking job, and then ended up in the NFL for 13 more years.

"He gave me the opportunity [to play] in Oakland," Breech said of Davis. "If he hadn't, I might have never kicked in the league."

So props to you Al Davis for taking a chance on a 5-foot-6, 155 pound smurf from the University of California at Berkeley.

OK, enough Al Davis talk, lets get to the power rankings that aren't really power rankings.

INSIC's Weekly Power Rankings that have Nothing to do with Power

We explained how our power rankings work two weeks ago, if you need a refresher, click here.


1. New England Patriots (3-1): Wes Welker is on pace to have 13 million catches for 9 billion yards this season. If the team you're playing in fantasy this week has Welker, you should probably just forfeit.

2. San Diego Chargers (3-1):  The chances of San Diego losing to Denver Sunday are negative 4 percent.

3. Baltimore Ravens (3-1): Due to the Ravens bye, there is no way the Bengals can be in first place after tomorrow. We don't want to live a world where the Bengals can't be in first place. The NFL should either eliminate byes or make the Ravens play 17 games.

4. Houston Texans (3-1): On a normal Sunday, Raiders-Texans would rank behind Never Ending Story II on a list of things exciting to watch. Al Davis passing away though makes this a must watch game.

Could the Bengals win an all "C" division?
5. Tennessee Titans (3-1): Would you rather be red headed or bald? That needs to be a post game question for Matt Hasselbeck.

6. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2): If there were an all "C" division in the NFL (Cincinnati, Cleveland, Chicago, Carolina), the Bengals would be tied for first. We really wish there were an all "C" division in the NFL.


1. Green Bay Packers (4-0): The Packers should just get a bye to the Super Bowl.

2. New Orleans Saints (3-1): Drew Brees and Cam Newton might combine to throw for 3,000 yards Sunday.

3. New York Giants (3-1): Someone at said that of all of the QB's in the NFL, Eli Manning is the best husband material. Someone at is sticking heroin needles in places they shouldn't stick heroin needles.

4. San Francisco 49ers (3-1): Alex Smith is starting to look like Joe Montana, except not at all.

5. Detroit Lions (4-0): Talk about getting ripped off. The Lions are on Monday Night Football for the first time in 97 years this week and they don't even get the Monday Night Football song. If there's no song, its not really Monday Night Football.

6. Washington Redskins (3-1): The PC police want the Redskins to change their name. If they went with the Foreskins, would that be more or less offensive? 

Week 4 Picks
Straight-up: 12-4
SU Overall: 46-18
Against the Spread: 11-5
ATS Overall: 35-29
Exact Week 2 Picks: 0
Exact Picks Overall: 2

Week 5 Picks
Cincinnati 20-13 over Jacksonville
Philadelphia 27-21 over Buffalo
Tennessee 24-20 over Pittsburgh
N.Y. Giants 31-17 over Seattle
New Orleans 38-27 over Carolina
Houston 27-20 over Oakland
Kansas City 24-21 over Indianapolis
Minnesota 31-24 over Arizona
San Francisco 20-14 over Tampa Bay
New England 34-27 over N.Y. Jets
San Diego 31-20 over Denver
Green Bay 38-31 over Atlanta
Detroit 27-20 over Chicago