Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Game Over for Pac-Man: Bengals Adam Jones Out for Season

Just when it looked like the Bengals season couldn't get any worse, Jason LaCanfora of the NFL Network goes and tweets this at 3:40 p.m. today: Adam "Pac Man" Jones out for season with a neck injury. Tough blow for him and the Bengals. He has been excelling on field and off

We're keeping our fingers crossed that a Japanese computer hacker broke into LaCanfora's account and tweeted these horrible lies. However, that is highly unlikely, which means LaCanfora's tweet is accurate, which means Pac Man is out for the season.

It looks like Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde have claimed another victim. 

What did Jones do this season on defense for the Bengals? How about 13 tackles, one interception, a forced fumble, two fumble recoveries and a touchdown.

So basically, the Bengals bad defense just got worse.

Finally, there is one minor bright spot for everyone out there who was wondering why Daniel Coats is on the team. That bright spot: he is no longer on the team. The Bengals released the "tight end" today and we're putting tight end in quotes because calling Coats a tight end is like calling a dog a rabbit, it makes no sense at all.

If Ochocinco and Deion Sanders Daughter Reproduced, the Baby Would Win the Heisman Before it was in Preschool

Ninety-seven percent of NFL players agree, there's only three ways to get over a tough loss:

1. Go to a strip club and stare at boobs for 15 hours. If there are no strip clubs around, then find the nearest senior citizens home and stare at old lady boobs, which are almost as nice.

2. Smoke a quarter-pound of marijuana*

*= If Randy Moss isn't on your team, you probably will not have access to a quarter-pound of marijuana, in which case an eighth will do.

and of course, let us not forget number three:

3. Take a picture with a semi-famous hot chick who happens to be related to Deion Sanders.

Because Ocho hates boobs and weed, he went with option number three to get over Sunday's loss to the Falcons: Yup, that's Ochocinco and Deion's daughter in the picture at the top of the page.

If you're an NFL owner reading this and you find out these two are having a baby, it would probably be in your best interests to sign the kid to a 91-year, $4-billion contract. That is, unless the baby is a girl because then it would only be athletic enough to play for the Bills.

Because we haven't posted in a week, we're including a bonus picture of Deiondra in a bikini. You're welcome. Oh and we are not messing with you at all, her name is Deiondra. Apparently Deion Sanders only knows eight letters of the alphabet, that or he hates his daughter.

(If you're one of the six Bengals fans that reads mediatakeout.com, then you may have heard that Ocho and Deiondra went out on a date after Sunday's game. However, unless they had a 15-minute Big Mac date at McDonald's --which is possible, because this is Chad we're talking about after all-- the date didn't happen. Chad left the locker room about an hour after the game (when this picture was taken) and was on a plane back to Cincinnati about 90 minutes after that.)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

What Did Ochocinco Send to Atlanta Falcons's DB's? Intimidating Looking T-Shirts that Aren't Intimidating at All

In between breaking stories about Jersey Shore's J-Woww and Lindsay Lohan's dad, TMZ.com took some time yesterday to break the news on a story that's actually not about douche bags (that is, unless you consider everyone in the Falcons defensive backfield douche bags).

Just after midnight last night, TMZ answered the question that 11 percent of Bengals fans have been asking themselves since Monday: What did Ochocinco send the Falcons DB's?

The answer: lame t-shirts.

In 2004, Ocho sent the Cleveland Browns Pepto Bismol. Chad said the Pepto was to help the Browns because they were going to get 'sick to their stomach' trying to cover him. Also, no one likes diarrhea on a football field, so this was successful in two ways.

Last year, Chad sent the Ravens DB's deodorant, so they wouldn't 'sweat' covering him. This was also a great idea, except that no one in the city of Baltimore wears deodorant, so they didn't exactly get the joke.

Lets ranks Chad's gift giving:

1. Pepto Bismol
2. Deodorant
763. Mad Chad T-shirt

If you've never seen the Mad Chad logo, then you obviously don't own Chad's iPhone app.

In other news: Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee got really drunk last night and this girl really hates college. 

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Once-a-Month, One Question INSIC Mailbag Asks: Which Bengals Players are on Facebook?

Dear INSIC: I'm pretty sure that I'm the only girl that reads your blog, because of that, I was wondering if you could do me a big favor. Can you list of all the Bengals players on Facebook. I spend 14 hours a day on FB and I've run out of people to stalk, please help. 

INSIC: First, we should point out that the above letter confirms two things we already knew about females:

1. They now spend as much time on Facebook as they do getting ready to go out on a Saturday night.

2. Facebook stalking is a sport to them. A sport they're good at. A sport where men are the Los Angeles Clippers and women are the Lakers.

Now we also need to point something out: we received this question back in August, but because we're extremely lazy, we decided to take two months to answer it. There are some days here at the INSIC offices where we get less done than a dead hibernating bear.

Luckily for our question asker, the stars aligned last week: the Bengals were off and the Reds season ended, so when we weren't doing trampoline keg stands, we had a lot of free time on our hands. So without further adieu, here is the official list of Bengals players on Facebook.

Keep in mind, if you're a hot girl, the chances of a Bengals player accepting your friendship are 97 percent. If you are not a hot girl, the chances go down to 1.3 percent.

1. Jordan Palmer: If you had to guess one Bengals player that was on Facebook, Palmer would have been your first guess. Just look at the guy on Sunday, he's definitely not looking at plays on his clipboard, he's inventing web sites and writing up tips for Runpee.com.

2. Jerome Simpson: Jerome only gets to suit up for one game a season. So he has to do something with his free time, right? Oh and we can't write anything bad about Jerome because of what happened last time. INSIC founder John Breech got death threats. Well, they weren't death threats, but someone did say he was a "small dick loser." We're not arguing either.

3. Dhani Jones: He has his own television show, so a Facebook profile is kind of a step down for him. But he does have one.

4. Keith Rivers: All you need to know about Keith is that his favorite movie is House Party and his favorite show is Doug. Some inventive writer out there needs to combine those two things and make a movie out of it. Assuming they cast the part of Patty Mayonnaise correctly and she shows some boob in the movie; a Doug, House Party movie would make millions.

5. Kyle Cook: Our offensive line is falling apart, so unless you are Anthony Munoz and can actually help with technique, please do not send Kyle any friend requests, we need him to concentrate on football.

Oh and because we love our readers so much, we have two bonus people for you:

Former Bengal Eric Ghiaciuc, who wrote on Oct. 7 that he is "w/o a team right now, hoping to get picked up soon."

And then of course, there is our favorite profile of all:

Ryan D. Leaf: He's arguably the biggest draft bust in NFL history (David Klingler and Akili Smith might argue this), he once got arrested at the Canadian border because he was trying to flee the country and he became addicted to painkillers even though he only played NFL football for about two weeks. If you're a hot girl and you become friends with him, please send us all of his pictures and if you're really hot, you can send us pictures of yourself too.

And of course, if you lose all hope after getting your friendship request denied by all of your favorite Bengals, you can always 'like,' the official fan page, but that's for losers

Now there are some people out there probably saying, "You guys are stupid, how do you know these pages are real." To you, we repeat: we got the question at the top of the page in August. We have spent the last two months eating illegal mushrooms, teaching our pet squirrel to sit and making sure these are real.

Oh and if you're mad at the Bengals because they're 2-3 and would like to relive their glory days, you can do it through the following players: Eric Ball, Ickey Woods, David Grant, David Fulcher, Eric Thomas, Jason Buck, Jeff Blake, Louis Breeden, Reggie Williams, Skip McClendon, Keith Rucker, Tim McGee and Ron Dugans.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Worst Weekend Ever (Handcuffs Edition): Bengals Shocked, Reds Get Swept and Pacman Gets "Arrested"

(That really is Adam Jones pictured above and yes, he really is in handcuffs. The picture came from this guy, via twitter)

Handcuffs are fun in the bedroom, but they're not much fun anywhere else.

Cole Hamels handcuffed the Reds line-up last night.

The Cincinnati police department literally handcuffed Pacman Jones yesterday afternoon and the Bengals metaphorically handcuffed their fan base and bent them over backwards when they lost to the Buccaneers.

By the way, Jones was handcuffed because he drove onto a sidewalk.

According to him and witnesses, Jones drove on the sidewalk to avoid hitting another car. Police decided to detain him because (he's black) someone in their data base named "Adam Jones" had a warrant out for his arrest. When cops realized they had the wrong Adam Jones, they released Pacman. He was in custody for almost an hour.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Bengals Lose to Bucs on Blown Call (And Somewhat Crappy Play)

People on TV have claimed for decades that the camera adds 10 pounds.

But we've never heard that it adds three inches to the size of your right foot.

Well, the refs saw the same image above in the booth, but they still somehow managed to conclude that Michael Spulock's right foot landed in bounds. It never did. His foot didn't drag after the picture above was taken, he was knocked on his left side and his right foot never landed in bounds.

Should the refs die? Probably.

Should Carson have thrown three interceptions? No, but two of them weren't his fault.

Does the blown call matter? Kind of. Kickers hit 31-yard game winning field goals a lot more often than they hit 51-yarders.

Between the no-hitter on Wednesday, the 17 errors on Friday and the impossible loss by the Bengals today, the week from hell only continues for Cincinnati.

To the Refs of today's Bengals game, it's your fault that Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Lance McCalister is the Miss Cleo of Reds Baseball

Love him or hate him, Lance McCalister is smarter than you (but probably has less hair).

At noon today, the 1530am sports host tweeted that Brandon Phillips would lead tonight's game off with a home run. Brandon Phillips led off tonight's game with a home run.

Since Lance can obviously see the future, someone needs to ask him if anyone at INSIC is going to get laid tonight and if they do, will the girl look like Snooki and if she does, should we call a a doctor about genital warts.

Schottzie Says: Don't Get No-Hit Tonight Reds

After Wednesday night's nuclear holocaust that was game one of the National League Divisional Series, we here at INSIC thought long and hard about what the Reds can do to win game two.

Here's what we came up with:

1. Don't get no-hit: This seems like common sense, but after Wednesday night, we realize it's not. It is impossible to win a baseball game without getting a hit. Although, theoretically you could win without a hit if a bunch of people got walked and/or hit by pitches and/or got to base on dropped third strikes in the same inning. But we probably shouldn't count on that strategy tonight.

2. Score a run: as the Braves proved last night, even if you don't get no-hit, it is impossible to win a baseball game without scoring a run. Sure, the only Giants run was scored by a guy that was caught stealing second (pictured below) and yes, if the umpire had made the correct call, the two teams would still be playing right now tied at zero (by our count, the game would be in the 92nd inning and Lincecum would probably have close to 400 strikeouts). But we don't care about that series, we only care about this one. Score a God Damn run Reds.

3. Don't Eat Cheesesteaks: For the love of Marge Schott, if you ate a cheesesteak today, then don't watch the game, you're a horrible fan and you're bad luck. As long as the Reds are playing Philadelphia, there is to be no support of anything Philadelphia. Burn your Rocky DVD's, punch Will Smith in the face if you see him, start an illegal dog fighting ring and frame Michael Vick for it. We don't care what you do, just do something.

Prediction for tonight: Schottzie says 5-3 Reds.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Reds-Phillies: Should They Even Play the Series; Plus the INSIC Quick Pick

If you're a Reds fan and you haven't checked out ESPN.com or SI.com today, don't bother. Its like reading the Vatican's take on evolution or David Duke's opinion on black people. Both sites are spewing hate and lies.

Between the two sites, there are 21 "experts" making picks on the Reds-Phillies series, 21-out-of-21 picked Philadelphia to win. You can't even get 21-out-of-21 to agree that smoking pot with a cop in a port-o-let at a Dave Matthews concert is awesome. So how in the crap can 21 people agree that the Reds are going to lose?

That's were we come in, since ESPN and SI won't do it, we're here to tell you why the Reds are going to win in what we're calling "the shortest Reds-Phillies Preview Ever Written."

Fun Fact that you can tell a Phillies fan right before you punch them: The last time these two teams met in a best-of-5 postseason series was 1976. The Reds swept their way to the World Series.

Reason Why its Sad to be a Pro Sports Fan in Cincnnati: The last time a pro sports team in Cincinnati won a playoff game was exactly 15 years ago today. On October 6, 1995, the Reds beat the Dodgers to become the first team ever to win a divsional playoff series.

Important Fact: Between the American and National League, the team that has won game one in the divisional series is 12-0 over the last three years.

Series Thoughts: The experts are saying that the Phillies can't lose game one because Roy Halladay is pitching. Halladay is apparently unbeatable, unless of course he gets beaten, which happened 10 times this season, including once to the Reds.

All the experts out there also seem to have a short memory, lets recap what happened the last time the Reds were in Philadelphia. It was a four game set played July 8-11.

Game 1: Phillies win 4-3 in 12
Game 2: Phillies win 9-7 in 10
Game 3: Phillies win 1-0 in 11 (Reds P Travis Wood took a perfect game into the 9th inning)
Game 4: Phillies win 1-0 in 9

The fact that the Reds lost all four games is irrelevant, what the series proved is that the Reds and Phillies are evenly matched. What happened when the two teams played in Cincinnati? The Reds took the 3-game series 2-1.

So what happens when you put two evenly matched teams in a best-of-5 series? The team with the most pluck wins.

What the hell is pluck? We have no clue, but the Reds have a lot of it. We'll take Cincinnati in five.

By the way, here's the Reds-Phillies schedule through Sunday:

Game two is at Philadelphia on Friday with first pitch at 6:07 p.m.

Game three is Sunday in Cincinnati!!!!!! First pitch is scheduled for 7:07 p.m., however, if the Twins-Yankees series ends Saturday night, then first pitch is moved to 8:07 p.m.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Ochocinco and T.O. Set to Visit the Tonight Show on October 11; T.Ocho Show Premieres October 12

No one here at INSIC has watched the Tonight Show since Jay Leno mop-stick raped Conan O'Brien to get his job back last year (In the picture below, Conan is describing how long the mop stick was). But next Monday, we might actually have to watch.

According to the Cincinnati Enquirer, on October 11, Ochocinco and Terrell Owens will be guests on NBC's staple late night show.

But don't think that will be the only time you see Ocho and T.O. on TV during next week's bye week.

One day later, the dynamic duo will be on a much more obscure network when "The T.Ocho Show" premieres on Versus.

Now if you haven't watched Versus in awhile, there's a reason for that. They show bull riding, bass fishing, UFL games, Mixed Martial Arts, racing, hunting and hockey. Basically any sport that sells their television rights fees for under six hundred dollars, Versus will air. And yes, we do think an argument could be made that the Hallmark Channel has almost as appealing programming as Versus.

The Hallmark Channel is awesome, if you haven't seen Daniel's Daughter, then you need to blow up your TV. Just look at the poster below, if a red head, a bike and a dog can't get you to see a movie, nothing will.

On the other hand, Versus did send us a 30 second promo for The T.Ocho show. The Hallmark Channel definitely didn't send us a promo for Daniel's Daughter, so they can go to hell. Anyway, you can see the promo below (And of course, as with all Youtube clips that we don't know how to embed, you can see the small stupid version below or you can click here to see the giant, fun, full version).