Monday, October 18, 2010
The Once-a-Month, One Question INSIC Mailbag Asks: Which Bengals Players are on Facebook?
Dear INSIC: I'm pretty sure that I'm the only girl that reads your blog, because of that, I was wondering if you could do me a big favor. Can you list of all the Bengals players on Facebook. I spend 14 hours a day on FB and I've run out of people to stalk, please help.
INSIC: First, we should point out that the above letter confirms two things we already knew about females:
1. They now spend as much time on Facebook as they do getting ready to go out on a Saturday night.
2. Facebook stalking is a sport to them. A sport they're good at. A sport where men are the Los Angeles Clippers and women are the Lakers.
Now we also need to point something out: we received this question back in August, but because we're extremely lazy, we decided to take two months to answer it. There are some days here at the INSIC offices where we get less done than a dead hibernating bear.
Luckily for our question asker, the stars aligned last week: the Bengals were off and the Reds season ended, so when we weren't doing trampoline keg stands, we had a lot of free time on our hands. So without further adieu, here is the official list of Bengals players on Facebook.
Keep in mind, if you're a hot girl, the chances of a Bengals player accepting your friendship are 97 percent. If you are not a hot girl, the chances go down to 1.3 percent.
1. Jordan Palmer: If you had to guess one Bengals player that was on Facebook, Palmer would have been your first guess. Just look at the guy on Sunday, he's definitely not looking at plays on his clipboard, he's inventing web sites and writing up tips for Runpee.com.
2. Jerome Simpson: Jerome only gets to suit up for one game a season. So he has to do something with his free time, right? Oh and we can't write anything bad about Jerome because of what happened last time. INSIC founder John Breech got death threats. Well, they weren't death threats, but someone did say he was a "small dick loser." We're not arguing either.
3. Dhani Jones: He has his own television show, so a Facebook profile is kind of a step down for him. But he does have one.
4. Keith Rivers: All you need to know about Keith is that his favorite movie is House Party and his favorite show is Doug. Some inventive writer out there needs to combine those two things and make a movie out of it. Assuming they cast the part of Patty Mayonnaise correctly and she shows some boob in the movie; a Doug, House Party movie would make millions.
5. Kyle Cook: Our offensive line is falling apart, so unless you are Anthony Munoz and can actually help with technique, please do not send Kyle any friend requests, we need him to concentrate on football.
Oh and because we love our readers so much, we have two bonus people for you:
Former Bengal Eric Ghiaciuc, who wrote on Oct. 7 that he is "w/o a team right now, hoping to get picked up soon."
And then of course, there is our favorite profile of all:
Ryan D. Leaf: He's arguably the biggest draft bust in NFL history (David Klingler and Akili Smith might argue this), he once got arrested at the Canadian border because he was trying to flee the country and he became addicted to painkillers even though he only played NFL football for about two weeks. If you're a hot girl and you become friends with him, please send us all of his pictures and if you're really hot, you can send us pictures of yourself too.
And of course, if you lose all hope after getting your friendship request denied by all of your favorite Bengals, you can always 'like,' the official fan page, but that's for losers
Now there are some people out there probably saying, "You guys are stupid, how do you know these pages are real." To you, we repeat: we got the question at the top of the page in August. We have spent the last two months eating illegal mushrooms, teaching our pet squirrel to sit and making sure these are real.
Oh and if you're mad at the Bengals because they're 2-3 and would like to relive their glory days, you can do it through the following players: Eric Ball, Ickey Woods, David Grant, David Fulcher, Eric Thomas, Jason Buck, Jeff Blake, Louis Breeden, Reggie Williams, Skip McClendon, Keith Rucker, Tim McGee and Ron Dugans.