Saturday, July 30, 2011

Ochocinco Traded to Patriots for Two Future Drafts Picks and Magic Beans

In only one practice, Ochocinco already has a better relationship with
Tom Brady then he ever had with Carson Palmer. Boston Herald Photo
If you're a  new Bengals fan or a fan under the age of seven, you may not remember this, but back in 2008, the Washington Redskins really wanted Ochocinco.

The Redskins wanted Ocho so badly in fact, that they were willing to give up two first round draft picks, the cure to cancer, a solid 24 carat gold Koala Bear statue (worth over $4 billion), Miley Cyrus' virginity and 93 percent ownership in the team.
The Redskins offered Miley's virginity for Ocho in
2008, but the Bengals turned it down. 

Of course, if you're an old Bengals fan or a fan over the age of seven, you know what happened: Mike Brown vetoed the deal.

Mike Brown loves vetoing deals.

He's vetoed more deals than the last 23 Presidents of the United States combined.

If the Colts offered Mike Brown, Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne for Morgan Trent and the Bengals water boy, Brown would laugh at the offer for 30 minutes, explain to everyone that Trent and the water boy are under contract with the team and then veto the deal. And then he would take a crap in a Paul Brown Stadium bathroom and ask a Hamilton County official to wipe. 

Anyway, back to Ocho.

Ocho was officially traded to the Patriots on Friday for two draft picks, only they weren't first round draft picks, they were fifth and sixth round draft picks. And they're not even for the same year. The fifth round pick is for 2012 while the sixth round pick is for 2013.

The Bengals only have one and a half scouts, so the last thing they need to be doing is trading anyone for draft picks.

Usually, the Bengals don't let their fans down until at least week three of the regular season, this year it looks like they're trying to break new ground.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Despite What Bleacher Report and 50 Percent of Twitter Think: Bengals Roy Williams is Not Engagement Ring Mailing, Lawsuit Filing Roy Williams

More surprising: that Bleacher Report got the headline wrong or that they spelled Cincinnati right?

Sometimes cases of mistaken identity are awesome, like the time a super hot drunk girl at the bar thought I was her boyfriend. That ended well for everyone, except the boyfriend.

Other times, cases of mistaken identity are bad for everyone, like the time someone decided to put John Travolta and Nicolas Cage in the same movie and then they switched faces and then everyone got confused, except no one was confused because the movie actually kind of made sense and the movie was kind of good and both their careers were peaking, but then one of them made Battlefield Earth. And then the one that didn't make Battlefield Earth one upped (or one-downed) the one who did by making National Treasure 2 and beating up his girlfriend in New Orleans.

If you didn't follow that last paragraph, you shouldn't have, I was trying to lose you, kind of like Bill Simmons completely lost me four sentences into his last column.

Anyway, back to mistaken identity. Sometimes, mistaken identity isn't good or bad, it's just funny. Like the case of Bengals safety Roy Williams.

If you're still drunk from July 4th, you may have missed today's news involving Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams.

Williams, who should probably be at least third in line to be ABC's next Bachelor,  mailed his girlfriend a $76,000 engagement ring in February along with a proposal on tape. Yes, he proposed on tape and yes, he mailed it.

For all of you single guys out there, everything in that last paragraph is a probably a bad idea, except for the $76.000 ring, but if you're going to mail it, you might as well clip off your big toe nail, fashion it into a ring and propose with that.

Lets make the rest of this story short.

Cowboys WR Roy Williams' proposal was turned down by Brooke Daniels, his then girlfriend. Daniels then did the diligent thing and decided to keep the ring. Girls love bright shiny things, Daniels is a girl, keeping the ring only made sense. Williams then filed suit in Texas state court  because he wants the ring back. Yes, he sued his girlfriend that he just proposed to five months ago. Click here to read the whole story.

Roy Williams almost married Miss Texas, but then he proposed through the mail
and she said no, something that any girl not named Amy Winehouse would do. To be fair
to Winehouse, she would say no too, unless the envelope was full of meth. 

This is where the fun begins. Bleacher Report, along with everyone on Twitter, thought that Cowboys WR Roy Williams was Bengals Safety Roy Williams (@RoyWilliams31 on Twitter).

Here's a small sample of what Bengals safety Roy Williams (not "I mailed a $76,000 engagement ring  to my girlfriend and then sued her" Roy Williams) had to endure today:

Not only does Roy need to wake up, but the next tweeter says the Bengals safety doesn't have any swag. That's a given though, no one on the Bengals has swag.

Are women easy to please? I'd say the next tweeter is, she thinks the mail proposal was romantic. Trust me it wasn't, it's about as romantic as having a candlelight dinner in your bathroom with the toilet seat serving as the dinner table.

This next tweeter did not follow rule number one of calling people retarded, which is, if they can spell retarded, they're probably not retarded. Based on his tweets tonight, Roy Williams can spell retarded because he in fact is not retarded. 

To read all the torture that Williams suffered through last night, check out his Twitter page.