Saturday, July 25, 2009
Roethlisberger Sexual Assault Civil Suit: Is McNulty in it for the Money, Lets Take a Peak at Her Finances So You Can Decide For Yourself
If you've been following the Roethlisberger case, you're probably as burnt out as us. That's why this post is up two days late.
On Thursday, we promised we would take a look at Andrea McNulty's finances, but we decided we had better things to do, like get our streak up to 6 on ESPN's streak for the cash. Well, after taking the BC Lions over Calgary in a hotly contested Canadian Football game, our streak is over (By hotly contested, we mean BC lost 48-10).
So lets get back to McNulty. Oh and just so you know, we've brought in out senior financial correspondent to help us our, he is formerly of Bear Stearns, but that doesn't concern us.
First, McNulty lays out her promotional history at Harrah's in the lawsuit. For those of you that don't have a friend at the drudge report or at smokinggun.com, we'll provide a link to the lawsuit here.
When Harrah's first hired McNulty in March 2003, she was a saucy 25-year-old looking to make it big in the land of opportunity, otherwise known as Lake Tahoe.
McNulty started her Harrah's career off as a Hotel Shift Manager. Can you really go up from that? We didn't think so, but in July 2004, she got promoted to Reflection's Spa Manager.
Now we're not usually sexist here, but isn't spa manager what all women aspire to be some day, why would she even accept another promotion? Well, we can sit here all day and ask stupid questions about why woman do the things they do or we can tell you that in January 2005, she got promoted again, this time to VIP Shift Manager.
Are we done? Wait, I think we might have something behind door number two, what is it...holy sexual assault lawsuit, it's another promotion, this time, in July 2005, McNulty is named VIP Services Manager, which actually sounds like a step down from VIP Shift Manager.
Finally, the promotional monsoon that McNulty was apart of slows down. She doesn't get another one until February 2008. Now you're probably asking yourself, 'In the casino industry, how does one go up from VIP Services Manager?' Glad you asked, how about a promotion to Executive Casino Host. We won't lie, that actually sounds important.
So now you're probably saying, 'great, I just wasted four minutes reading some filthy blabber about this psycho's job history, where does the money come in?'
Glad you stuck with us. According to our Harrah's source, the rate for her first three positions is $24,000-$42,000. She's a girl and girls never start at the bottom of the pay scale, so lets put her at $29,000 to start. Not much. But she's 25, single and has no children.
Now in her first 28 months, she received three promotions (which is more then Breech has received in his whole life) so its probably safe to say her salary was rising pretty quickly. We'll put her at $40,000/year starting with the July '05 promotion. Not bad. You can't exactly afford good heroin on that salary, but its not bad.
With her next promotion things get interesting, because with her next two titles, our Harrah's source says the salary range is $36,000-$75,000 PLUS commission... and maybe tips.
Lets cut to the chase because everyone is getting tired. Its highly probable that someone getting her fifth promotion in five years is near the top of the food chain when it comes to salary. When we got promoted to high wizard in our Harry Potter card game, we also got two free mail delivery cards courtesy of Hedwig the owl... Wow, that was weird, sorry.
So she's raking in $65,000-$70 a year plus commission, which means her salary is theoretically limitless. Is everyone ready, hold your breath, based on the salary numbers from our Harrah's source, we are going to put McNulty at $75,000-$80,000 a year including commission.
Kobe Bryant's accuser was a 20-year-old who worked at a glorified bed and breakfast. She probably made poverty wages and ate ramen noodles.
Roethlisberger's accuser is a 31-year-old raking in at least $75,000 a year. What does this mean, absolutely nothing. However, when you argue with your friends this weekend, and they say, "I'm going to kill that bitch, she waits a year and then doesn't even press charges, she just wants his dime yo,"
You can counter with, "Well, she does pull in $75,000 a year, with that kind of salary, does she really need his money,"
Then they can say, "Damn yo, you got that Erin Andrews video on your laptop. Lets watch that shit."
Oh and our source ended their email with this statement: I think Harrahs is going to settle with her. The kind of pressure they can put on someone is unbelievable and if she can take that, then there is something to her case.
First, casinos are notorious for strong arming people. McNulty has dealt with Harrah's wrath AND managed to keep her job while doing it (Again, our senior legal correspondent is pretty sure an employer can fire you for filing frivolous civil lawsuits), that certainly says something.
Second, Harrah's isn't named in the suit, but eight of their employees are, it will be interesting to see if they step to the plate and help their employees with anything (legal bills, liability payment if they lose) or if they pay the out of court settlement as our source suggests.
There you are everyone, we've had a fun week rehashing everything Ben Roethlisberger with you, but we're getting out of here. Remember, don't kick any dogs this weekend, unless of course the Reds get swept by the Cubs, then kick two.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Anyway, here is the statement from Ben, just in case you can't transcribe as fast we can:
"I did not sexually assault Andrea McNulty. Saturday was the first that I learned of her accusations. Her false and vicious allegations are an attack on my family and on me. I would never, ever force myself on a woman. I want to fight to protect my family and my reputation. I'm not going to discuss my private life or this civil case in the media."
"I'll respond to her outrageous allegations in the appropriate form. I have an obligation to our fans, to my teammates, to my coaches and everyone in the organization to remain focused on the Pittsburgh Steelers, and I will do that. The allegations against me are reckless and false. As much as I'd like to answer everyone's questions, I'm going to respect the legal process and I am confident that the truth will prevail. Thank you."
As we theorized earlier, Ben was served Saturday July 18 (Case was filed Fri. July 17) and he was blindsided by the charges.
We have no clue why we have tirelessly covered this case, but we have and as such, we have even more information that the national media doesn't have yet.
Most people (read all men and Steelers fans) think Ben is innocent. If you're between 18-34, ask your closest male buddy if he did it, the answer your most likely to get, "That bitch is after Ben's money."
Well, if she's after the money, one would presume that she needs it. Thus, we just did what you would think any intrepid reporter would do in this situation: find out how much ANDREA MCNULTY makes per year.
That's right America, we asked our Harrah's source about McNulty's salary and we'll be releasing that later on tonight. Hopefully we don't get 'scooped' by RADAR online again.
July 11, 2008: Alleged events are said to have taken place in the late evening hours of July 11.
Our source says that soon after the incident, McNulty went to Guy Hyder (Head of Casino Security) and he said he would take care of it.
Our source also seems to think that Hyder went to John Koster (Regional President of Harrah's, Northern Nevada) and watered down the truth.
For example (This is a guess based on our sources information), if McNulty told Hyder she was sexually assaulted, Hyder probably went to Koster and said something like, "Oh, there was a little problem with Andrea up in Ben's penthouse, but I took care of it." Koster, being a president, probably trusts his head of security implicitly and therefore didn't give this another thought.
August-December 2008: Andrea McNulty was treated at five different hospitals during this time period. McNulty alleges that she was being treated for anxiety and depression directly related to the incident with Roethlisberger.
TMZ.com reported that their sources told them that McNulty was being treated because she was on an emotional swoon thanks to the death of a fictional soldier that she was in love with (It's a long story that we will never rehash again, search our past posts if you really want the details). Several sites have suggested that this tale has been fabricated in order to discredit McNulty.
March 2009: Harrah's informs McNulty that Roethlisberger will be playing in the 2009 American Century Celebrity Golf Tournament. This is the same tournament Roethlisberger was playing in when the alleged events occurred in 2008.
*Important* McNulty says Harrah's ordered her to take a paid two week vacation during the tournament to, as her suit puts it, "accommodate her assailant."
March Continued: At this point, McNulty hires her legal council in the form of Calvin Dunlap. Dunlap is no pushover, he's the man representing Nevada's first lady Dawn Gibbons in her divorce from state Governor Jim Gibbons. Not to mention, in 2007 he was named Nevada's Trial Lawyer of the Year (Only in Nevada).
Please reread that sentence and at least pretend to be a little shocked: Not only did McNulty retain a famous and high-powered lawyer she HIRED HIM IN MARCH.
When the suit was uncovered Monday night by Pro Football Talk, it was unclear if McNulty still worked at Harrah's, that is of course, until our own Deep throat sent us a Tuesday night email with this sentence, "I'm sure she has evidence to prove her allegations. There is no way she would still be employed at that Casino if she didn't."
We don't have high IQ's here at INSIC, but the sentence in BOLD pretty much spells out that McNulty still has her job.
So we had her work status Tuesday night, by Wednesday afternoon everyone was reporting that McNulty would be returning to work today (Thursday). Returning from what, why was she off... how about she was returning from her vacation that she said Harrah's made her go on.
First sign of bad news for Steelers fans: McNulty says she was asked to take a two week vacation during the tournament and she just happened to be on a two week vacation during the tournament.
So McNulty had a lawyer for a period of four months before filing the suit. Now before you say, "This is the stupidest chick in the world," keep in mind that for a civil suit to serve its best purpose, the papers need to be served in the state where said events took place. Since the sexual assault occurred in Nevada, McNulty had to wait until Roethlisberger returned to the state.
This means Ben got a rude surprise last weekend in the form of some fun paperwork. Now this also suggests that Roethlisberger didn't know he was going to be served. Because, lets face it, if you knew you were going to be hit with a sexual assault suit in Nevada, would you ever travel there again, HELL NO... What in the name of Terry Bradshaw is the point here you ask?
There are people out there under the impression that maybe McNulty and her lawyer tried to negotiate with Roethlisberger and when negotiations broke down, they dropped the civil suit on him. Well, if negotiations had broken down, then Roethlisberger would have known that he might be hit with some criminal or civil charges and he would have avoided being anywhere near this lady. We think its safe to say that Roethlisberger was blindsided by these charges.
April 2009: McNulty's lawyer makes request for security footage from night in question, he is turned down and has been repeatedly turned down for the past three months.
July 9, 2009: McNulty two week vacation starts.
July 16, 2009: First round of American Century Celebrity Golf Classic.
July 17, 2009: Civil suit is filed in Washoe County court at 3:55 PDT.
July 18-19: Roethlisberger is served on one of these two days. He obviously vets his friends closely because his camp kept the lid on the charges for at least two days.
July 20: Pro Football Talk breaks the story and all hell breaks loose. Roethlisberger's lawyer, David Cornwall issues a statement one hour after story breaks. Obviously Ben knew it was only a matter of time before the story broke, so he hired a lawyer. This takes us back to square one.
Oh and a quick aside, as we mentioned yesterday, we were the first anything (blog, web site, children's television show) to report that McNulty still had her job at Harrah's.
Just to get an idea of how stupid web journalism is, consider this, RADAR online reported yesterday exclusively that they were the first people to report that McNulty still had her job. Sorry RADAR, we beat you by about two and a half hours and the email with the job information even sat unread in our email box for seven hours. So suck our nipples.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Roethlisberger-McNulty Sexual Harassment Civil Case: Source with Ties to Harrah's Gives INSIC the Lowdown in an Exclusive Second Email
(Click here to read contents of first email)
Our anonymous source strikes again. While TMZ was busy wasting thousands of dollars on a piece of crap LeBron James video that looks like it was filmed in 1974, we were exchanging emails with our very own Deep Throat.
In case you haven't had a chance to read Andrea McNulty's lawsuit (and unless your a lawyer or a deranged Steelers fan, you probably haven't). She contends that Harrah's, specifically Guy Hyder (director of security at Harrah's) impeded her from filing charges.
She says she went to him and things just went down hill from there. Well, Deep throat seems to agree, here is some of the email sent earlier today (email content is in red because we have a tendency to be confusing and we don't you to mix up the source's thoughts with our thoughts):
I was really upset when I heard this. I love watching Ben Play and I always thought and still do that he is one of the good guys when it comes to sports, as far as playing the game. How he treats others on the field and so on.
This is pretty cut and dry, our source is a Ben Roethlisberger fan, what red-blooded American doesn't love a 27-year-old two-time Super Bowl winner (Besides, Bengals, Browns and Ravens fans that is).
Next up, the source tells us how they are associated with Harrah's, but that's none of your business because it's our source. So lets cut straight to the next excerpt.
Yeah I have heard a few things about the situation. Guy Hyder [Head of security at Harrah's] seems like he may have downplayed the situation to John Koster [Regional President Harrah's Northern Nevada] and then it rolled downhill from there. So I think they will look to Guy for some major responsibility. No matter what really occurred in that room. A crime was reported to him and he did nothing.
Bingo, our source brings up a very valid point. McNulty claims she told Hyder about the incident, but he did nothing. We're not lawyers here at INSIC, but our senior legal correspondent assures us you can get in trouble for not reporting a crime.
These guys that head security in Casinos are like former Marines, many of them hard core. Previous Special Forces. Things like that. They are very intimidating. However, not everyone reacts to trauma in the same way. I don't know, Andrea may just be the kinda of person that can't handle a situation like the one that came up with Ben. A different woman may have handled that situation with him a lot differently. She definitely was in the room and there was physical contact.
Interpret as you wish, McNulty was in the room. Hyder may or may not have intimidated her into doing and saying what he wanted. We think our source is also saying that different ladies would have handled this in a smarter manner (like not filing the civil suit one year later).
I am sure the suit was filed the way it was not only because of Ben but because of the lack of support from Harrah's, which is par for their course [read first email, par for the course for Harrah's is apparently only reporting murders and cocaine induced suicides]. Again, In John Koster's defense, people are paid to handle things before they even make it to his level.
To an extent, this excerpt explains why criminal charges were not filed. McNulty felt that Harrah's would have attempted to discredit her, which means she would have no way to win the case. The source also seems to be saying that Hyder is the worst head of security ever seeing that he couldn't protect Ben and Koster from being implicated in this.
Guy Hyder should have used better judgment and brought this to John [Koster] and the police right away. That penthouse is out of the public eye and it could have all been handled up there. I think the key thing here is that Andrea went to security right away and they did nothing.
Is that a pulitzer I smell? So McNulty went to Hyder, who did absolutely nothing. McNulty, in her suit even alleges that Hyder said something to the effect of, "it's Ben Roethlisberger, do you know how many woman would like to sleep with him." Funny you asked, I know the answer, it's four and they are all female Steelers fans that got beat with the ugly stick for the duration of their childhood.
The other key thing is when you go to a lawyer with a case like this you need solid proof or they will not take your case. Its a waste of money and a waste of time.
Hey source, if we wanted your opinion, we'll ask, keep your stupid conjecture to yourself. Alright, we don't want our source to stop returning emails, so lets put it like this, our source thinks that McNulty's case is even more convincing because a lawyer took it (we disagree, lawyers are dirtier than Amy Winehouse's bed sheets, they'll take anything that might make them some money).
Last thing, in case you missed it (the source also mentions it, but we don't feel like excerpting things anymore). Hyder is alleged to have gotten one of McNulty's house keys from her parents. While McNulty was in the hospital with her mental 'fatigue,' Hyder was gaining the trust of her parents.
Hyder gained their trust, got McNulty's keys, went into her house and allegedly erased some computer files.
Judging by this email, Hyder looks to be the fall guy and he appears to be the most expendable.
My take, put Hyder in jail for being a dumb ass and make Harrah's give McNulty $100,000 worth of casino chips.
Roethlisberger Case Gets More Interesting: Person with Intimate Knowledge of Harrah's Thinks that McNulty May Have Some Leverage *INSIC EXCLUSIVE*
Anyway, INSIC received an interesting thing in our email box last night, allegedly from a casino employee in the Tahoe area (we can't say where because we don't want to get anyone in trouble or killed, including ourselves. Casino owners are ruthless, watch Oceans 11-13 if you don't believe us).
Without further adieu, the contents of the message (we put the stuff in bold in bold):
First of all let me say. I love this Quarter Back. However, I know first hand about the politics at Harrah's Tahoe. Under no circumstances are you to call 911 unless you go through security. You are not allowed to file any kind of police report unless you go through security. These are grounds for immediate termination. In this Casino as well as many others. They constantly hold your job over your head. You have to put up with so much "BS" that you couldn't even imagine. So many people/celebrities come through the casino and do things that are caught on camera its despicable. Keep this in mind. I'm sure she has evidence to prove her allegations. There is no way she would still be employed at that Casino if she didn't. <--- McNulty still employed... Interesting.
Now why the hell anyone would send us a message like this is beyond us. However, thanks to Google analytics, INSIC knows two things: yesterday was the second biggest day in history of the blog (in terms of unique visitors) and along those same lines, the visits from the State of Nevada were number one.
Let me elucidate this a bit more: in two months, Nevada has sent, oh, lets say 12 visitors to this site. In one day, they go almost 15 times that.
Anyway, back to the message. If your a Steelers fan there is good news and there is bad news here.
The bad news is that the AP reported today that this young lady does still have her job, which means this messenger knew that before the AP reported it. So if McNulty does indeed have leverage, Mr. Super Bowl winning quarterback could be in trouble.
The good news Steeler fans, Mike Florio, in his weekly article for sportingnews.com, sees this ending one of two ways. Roethlisberger is found not liable for anything or he settles out of court days before the hearings begin (Florio also pointed out that the average civil suit takes 1-2 years to hit the courts, but he doesn't think that will be the case here.)
Back to the bad news, if Roethlisberger settles out of court, Commissioner Goodell, who is punishing NFL players for not using crest toothpaste these days, would almost have to suspend him for something. My guess is that an out of court settlement would lead to at least an eight game suspension for Big Ben.
For any Steelers fans with a gun in their mouth, you probably don't want to read what we write next, more bad news.
This is from today's AP story:
The woman's lawsuit says she didn't file a criminal complaint because she feared Harrah's would side with Roethlisberger and she would be fired.
Unless Andrea McNulty herself is feeding me information (which given the wackiness that has ensued in this case would not surprise me), the above email confirms McNulty's complaint as far as her getting fired and Harrah's covering it up (the email does not confirm any of the sexual allegations).
This thing is going to get worse before it gets better.
The only way Ben gets out of this clean is if he wins the court case. INSIC hates the Steelers more then life itself, but we did go to college with Roethlisberger, so if Ben is innocent, we wish him the best of luck.
**Update: INSIC has received a second email from our casino friend. Contents of email will be available later on.**
(Excerpt from second email, anything in red added by INSIC):
I have heard a few things about the situation. Guy Hyder [Harrah's head of security] seems like he may have down played the situation to John Koster [Regional President, Harrah's Northern Nevada] and then it rolled down hill from there.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Its Never Sunny In Pittsburgh: Roethlisberger Hit With $440,000 Sexual Assault Suit by Andrea McNulty (Pictured Way Below in Full Cowgirl Getup)
*If you're a facts kind of person (only about 3 percent of the media is these days), you can read below about the Roethlisberger incident, I've chosen not to make fun of it just yet, so I've written just a standard news story (yes, I am capable of that). Underneath the standard news story is the newest and craziest update from TMZ.com.
Oh and in case you just want the juicy stuff, in italics below is the details of what McNulty alleges happened.
Also, in case you're wondering what kind of girl Ben likes, in the inset are McNulty's myspace stats, she's 5'7", SINGLE!!! and a blonde, although, judging by the picture above, it doesn't look like Ben discriminates.
If bad news keeps following him around after Super Bowl victories, Ben Roethlisberger may not ever want to win another Lombardi Trophy.
Everyone remembers Roethlisberger's motorcycle accident in the offseason following Super Bowl XL. This offseason has brought a new surprise: a sexual assault lawsuit.
Pro Football Talk (an NBC affiliate) has confirmed that a casino employee in Nevada (pictured below) has levied five charges against Roethlisberger. The Steelers' QB was served with the suit this weekend while playing in a celebrity golf tournament in Nevada.
The two-time Super Bowl winner is being charged with one civil count of assault, one civil account of sexual assault and battery, one civil account of false imprisonment, one civil count of false pretenses, and one civil account of intentional infliction of emotional distress.
The complainant, Andrea McNulty, claims that in July 2008 she was called up to Roethlisberger's room to fix a television. While she was up there, McNulty claims Roethlisberger forced her to have sex with him.
Roethlisberger's lawyer David Cornwall vehemently denied the allegations in this statement that was released late Monday night:
"This weekend Andrea McNulty served Ben Roethlisberger with a civil complaint accusing him of sexually assaulting her in July 2008. Ben has never sexually assaulted anyone; especially Andrea McNulty. The timing of the lawsuit and the absence of a criminal complaint and a criminal investigation are the most compelling evidence of the absence of any criminal conduct.
"If an investigation is commenced, Ben will cooperate fully and Ben will be fully exonerated. Ben will not be baited into a public discussion about his personal life, but we will defend him vigorously. The limited value that Ms. McNulty derived from public disclosure of these viciously false allegations is the only value she will ever receive from Ben in this case."
Cornwall makes a solid case for the innocence of his client. The first and most obvious question is: If Roethlisberger is actually guilty, why didn't McNulty file criminal charges? Why go straight after his money?
Keep in mind, these are civil charges. This means that if Roethlisberger was found guilty, the court could only financially punish him, and there would be no jail time.
Details of the allegations became available Tuesday morning and they go as follows:
McNulty claims that Roethlisberger was walking a woman out of his room to an elevator. After the girl reached the elevator, Roethlisberger chatted it up with several Harrah's employee's, including McNulty.
Roethlisberger allegedly told McNulty that the sound sysytem on his TV wasn't working (I've tried that one before Ben, it doesn't work). McNulty told Ben that she would send someone to fix it, but he asked that she do it.
When McNulty couldn't find anyone to send to the room to repair the television, Harrah's staff allegedly told her to go so that Roethlisberger would have no complaints about his stay.
McNulty says that Roethlisberger was in a T-shirt and athletic shorts and that after she tested the TV and sound system, she found nothing to be wrong.
The suit then says that as McNulty tried to exit the room, Roethlisberger, "grabbed [her] and started to kiss her."
McNulty says that Roethlisberger fondled her, pushed her into the bed and then did the deed. She claims she "communicated her objection and lack of consent." She even says she told him, "you don't want to do this."
McNulty says she then told Roethlisberger she wasn't on any type birth control, but apparently Ben calmed any pregnancy fears by telling her, "I'll pull out."
When Roethlisberger asked if there were cameras in the room and McNulty answered, "Yes," Roethisberger allegedly became stern, telling her, "If anyone asks, you fixed my television. You fixed my television, now go."
The alleged incident is said to have taken place on Friday, July 11, 2008. McNulty is seeking $440,000 in the suit.
According to Washoe County's web site, the charges were filed Friday, July 17 at 3:55 p.m., the summons for Roethlisberger was issued three minutes later.
The eight other defendants in the case are: Debbie Neall, Mike Rosenow, Dave Monroe, Mark Masters, Guy Hyder (Harrah's Tahoe Chief of Security), John Koster (President of the Hotel), Stacy Dingman (former director of hotel operations at Harrah's), and Bryan Casuscelli (marketing staffer at Harrah's).
Koster, the president of the hotel, allegedly has such a man crush on Roethlisberger that his head of security, Hyder, says Koster would "suck [Ben's] dick if Roethlisberger would let him."
The big questions for Steelers fans is: If Ben is innocent, will the charges mess with his head as he trains for the upcoming season?*TMZ.com is reporting some crazy stuff, but they always do and there never wrong, from TMZ:
Sources tell us Roethlisberger and McNulty had a sexual liaison at the time but Ben insists it was purely consensual. We're told the two knew each other because Ben had stayed at Harrah's in Lake Tahoe over the last several years for golf tournaments -- and she worked at the hotel.
Lets sum this one up: TMZ says they had sex.
TMZ continued: Sources connected with the case tell us a former co-worker of McNulty's at Harrah's came forward with this incredible story -- that around the time McNulty hooked up with Roethlisberger, she was allegedly involved with a married man.
The man's wife, we're told, created an email account, posing as a U.S. soldier in Iraq. The wife began corresponding with McNulty to gain information.
We're told the former co-worker has said McNulty fell in love with the fictitious soldier and began telling people she was engaged to him.
When the wife stopped the correspondence, McNulty then began telling people the soldier was killed in action.
We're told McNulty told at least one co-worker she began seeing a psychiatrist because of the phantom soldier.
Lets Sum this one Up: Holy Super Bowl Sunday, I don't know if summing this one up is even possible. McNulty told a co-worker she was having an affair. A soldier's wife started sending McNulty emails from a 'fake' soldier.
McNulty thought this soldier was real. McNulty tells friends that her and the fake soldier are engaged. 'Fake' soldier stops emailing her, McNulty tells friends he died in action.
McNulty seeks psychiatric help. WOW. You really can't make this stuff up, trust me, I've tried.
McNulty pic courtesy of tmz.com
Original story broken by profootballtalk.com
my research led me to washoe county web site
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Bengals Frustrate Everyone, Including Their Kicker, INSIC Has Contract Negotiation Audio to Prove It
(The picture above is from the actual Facebook profile of Cincinnati Bengals Kicker Shayne Graham. Click on it to see it more clearly and yes, he is wearing a bad-ass motorcycle helmet)
What's it like negotiating with the Cincinnati Bengals? Glad you asked.
We've obtained a recording that took place between Shayne Graham, his agent Rob Roche and Bengals management. The two sides were trying to negotiate a long term deal for Shayne and they had until 4 p.m. on July 15 to do it. Currently, as the franchise player, Shayne is only signed for one year.
Lets see how well you know the Bengals: raise your hand if you think something productive actually happened at this meeting... Good, everyone here knows the Bengals, lets get to the juicy stuff:
(Negotiating for the Bengals are the hot husband and wife tandem of Troy and Katie Blackburn)
Roche: Alright guys, lets keep this short and sweet, you tagged Shayne at $2.48 million, lets say 4-years, $10 million and call it a day.
K. Blackburn: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, hold on a second. You ever heard of a little guy named Jim Breech, the team's all-time leading scorer. He only made like $90,000 in his seventh year with the team.
Roche: Uh, Katie, that was in 1986, the average salary wasn't even a half million, I really don't think that any former player's salary should come into play here, especially a player from the 1980's.
K. Blackburn: Oh, so now you're better than Boomer Esiason, I bet you want to make more money then him. You're a selfish head.
Roche: Katie, I want to make sure my client gets market value.
T. Blackburn: Ahhh, we feel you Roche, alright. How about 4-years, $500,000 and we'll throw in free HBO... You know everyone on the team gets free HBO this season, that is so cool, god my father-in-law is awesome.
K. Blackburn: Yea he is honey, good one (Troy and Katie high-five), remember Thanksgiving in 1993 when dad didn't bring home a Turkey because he said he was robbed but then we found out later it was because Bigg's wouldn't give him a discount for being Mike Brown and then he killed a chipmunk and we ate that thinking it was Turkey, oh my gosh, being related to my father is a trip.
Roche: Can we please get back to negotiations.
Graham: Look, I was going to keep quiet, but Troy, that offer you gave me isn't even the league minimum, I couldn't accept it if I wanted too.
T. Blackburn: Oh so now you're too good for free HBO, you punk kids really bother me.
Roche: What the hell are you talking about, I think Shayne was referring to the 4-year, $500,000 part of the deal, that's only $125,000 a year.
T. Blackburn: You know Boomer Esiason never turned down free HBO.
Shayne: Rob lets go.
K. Blackburn: Shayne you can't leave, this is called negotiating, it doesn't happen overnight. Ask Justin Smith.
Roche: Alright lets get serious, Rob Bironas in Tennessee just signed a 4-year, $12-million offer. Can we do it or not.
K. Blackburn: Oh he deserves that, he's my favorite player ever, he never misses any kicks.
Roche: With all due respect Ms. Blackburn, my client is the most accurate kicker in NFL history, this means that he misses less kicks than Mr. Bironas.
T. Blackburn: Honey, remember when we saw Rob Bironas play tennis with Boomer Esiason. Shayne, have you ever played tennis with Boomer Esiason.
(Graham looks at Roche, makes a gun with his hand and puts it to his head)
K. Blackburn: You know what Shayne, I was just thinking, who cares if you played tennis with Boomer Esiason. I mean it's fun because Boomer is really good at tennis, but I suppose it's irrelevant. We'll go up to 2-years, $2-million, we'll give you a $100 gift certificate to Babies 'R' Us and you can use the team's Kroger plus card for two weeks. Now come on Shayne, no intelligent human being would turn that down.
Graham: Lets see, I'm single, I don't even know what a baby looks like and Kroger Plus Cards are FREE to anyone that wants one, what the hell would the upside be to taking this offer.
T. Blackburn: You know Shayne, if you think about the money you save at Kroger with the card and then add that to the deal, I think that moves it right up to the numbers you want.
K. Blackburn: Corlin Palmer saved $800 dollars at Kroger last year. That is a lot of money Shayne.
Graham: Jesus lord of God, his name is Carson. Rob, we're leaving.
T. Blackburn: Come on Shayne-O, it's 3:58 p.m., we have two minutes to make a deal, give us a chance.
Roche: Alright, make your final offer.
K. Blackburn: OH LOOK HONEY, its Boomer Esiason...
T. Blackburn: She has to take this, sorry guys. We'll talk next year.
[Roche fires himself on the way out so that he no longer has to deal with the Bengals]
Friday, July 10, 2009
So I read about this story last night on AOL Fanhouse and got kind of pissed, but it was late and I was tired, so I went to bed.
Then I wake up this morning and the guys at Who Dey Revolution write something about it. As I read their take, I get even more pissed. So, instead of drowning my cat, I decided to write something about it myself...
Now, if you somehow managed to miss the headline, let me fill you in on the nature of this blog entry. Mike Brown, the awesomely successful General Manager/Guy that won't hire any scouts/Owner of the Bengals makes more money than the Steelers incredibly woeful Dan Rooney.
Wait, I think I completely butchered that. Let's try this again. Since 1991, when Mike Brown took over the Bengals GM/Owner spot, the Bengals have been to exactly zero Super Bowls while making one trip to the playoffs.
The Steelers on the other hand, have made three trips to the Super Bowl (winning two) and so many trips to the playoffs that I stopped keeping track in 1998.
So the shocker here is this, over the past two seasons, Mike Brown has made an average of about $2 million in salary while Dan Rooney has pulled in, wait, wait for it.... about $1.5 million per year.
Are you serious Mike Brown.
Rooney's numbers became public last week when he had to reveal his income as a stipulation for accepting his new job as Ambassador to Ireland.
This is absolutely nuts.
Imagine if I was directing a movie starring Paris Hilton and Meryl Streep and I was like, 'Look Meryl, we all know you've been nominated for a record 12 academy awards, but I think we're going to pay Paris more money, she's been in a Hardee's commercial, plus she has a cooler last name.' I'm thinking Meryl walks right off the set, the only question is if she runs over Paris Hilton with her hybrid on the way out.
Brown's salary was revealed by the Cincinnati Enquirer back in April. Since 1991 Brown has made anywhere between $2-2.6 million per year ($700,000 salary and a GM bonus that has fluctuated between $1.2-1.9 million since 1991).
I'm a Bengals fan, so I won't bash Brown completely, but if we're all lucky, a few Steelers fans will after they read this.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Roller Skating Rinks: You've probably been to one before, but that was probably back in 1994 when they still existed.
Many people have fond memories of these Palatial Palaces. For some, memories include receiving their first kiss, holding their first hand or smoking their first joint with their substitute gym teacher.
About a week ago, I received an e-mail from a reader in Canada (apparently I'm huge in Canada) who wanted to know if roller rinks still existed.
My first thought was 'wow, what a great question.' It really wasn't a great question, but it was a lot more uplifting than the only other e-mail question I received which was from a dying kid in Africa who wanted to know if malaria still existed. I e-mailed him the symptoms, he e-mailed me back a living will and a frowny face and then we never talked again, I'm still trying to figure that one out.
Anyway, I felt the need to appease my huge Canadian fan base, so I decided to answer the roller skating question.
To find out more about roller rinks, I called my buddy Brad. Brad is a renowned roller skating expert. He did his college thesis on how blue slushies sales helped the skating rink industry thrive in the 90's.
He found that as people began to drink more red slushies and less blue slushies, rinks began to close. By 1999, blue slushie sales had hit rock bottom, causing 100 percent of the rinks in the country to close.
Brad had a lot of information, but unfortunately, he didn't know where I could find an open rink.
Next I put in a call out to my buddy Chris Hansen. Hansen, of Dateline NBC fame, is known for two things: making child molesters say 'damn, I'm screwed,' and getting incredibly drunk. After talking with Hansen for 48 minutes, I found out that 1 out of every 2 child molesters probably lives in Cleveland and absolutely nothing about roller skating rinks.
I finally hung up on him just as he was belligerently babbling something about a goat, a stripper and Tom Brokaw's last birthday party.
After two hours of effort and two wasted phone calls, I was about to give up. That was until Brad called back saying, 'hey I think we have a place, but you have to dress like one of the guys from Milli Vanilli and we have to blindfold you to get you there.'
I was skeptical at first, mainly because I hadn't been blindfolded since my sophomore year of college when a game of KY Jelly Twister got really out of hand.
Anyway, a 17-hour car ride and 3-day Hot Air balloon excursion later, we were in the parking lot of something that looked like a terrorist prison. However, there was no torturing going on inside, unless of course you consider waterboarding someone in a barrel full of grape kool-aid torture.
As an added bonus, I was able to make a short video while I was inside.
The video in and of itself isn't that funny, but it's not suppose to be. It's only purpose is to prove to people in Canada that roller skating rinks are awesome and that they still exist.
Oh and Just so you know, I have not seen a video this sloppy since Lindsay Lohan's first DUI was caught on a police cam. Please watch at your own discretion and keep in mind three things: The commentary is so bad, you're going to think Joe Buck did it, I don't know the words to Michael Jackson's 'Black or White' and there is a man in a gorilla suit... Only at the roller rink people, only at the roller rink.