Tuesday, July 7, 2009
John Breech Investigative Report Reveals that Roller Skating Rinks Still Exist (Video at Bottom)
Roller Skating Rinks: You've probably been to one before, but that was probably back in 1994 when they still existed.
Many people have fond memories of these Palatial Palaces. For some, memories include receiving their first kiss, holding their first hand or smoking their first joint with their substitute gym teacher.
About a week ago, I received an e-mail from a reader in Canada (apparently I'm huge in Canada) who wanted to know if roller rinks still existed.
My first thought was 'wow, what a great question.' It really wasn't a great question, but it was a lot more uplifting than the only other e-mail question I received which was from a dying kid in Africa who wanted to know if malaria still existed. I e-mailed him the symptoms, he e-mailed me back a living will and a frowny face and then we never talked again, I'm still trying to figure that one out.
Anyway, I felt the need to appease my huge Canadian fan base, so I decided to answer the roller skating question.
To find out more about roller rinks, I called my buddy Brad. Brad is a renowned roller skating expert. He did his college thesis on how blue slushies sales helped the skating rink industry thrive in the 90's.
He found that as people began to drink more red slushies and less blue slushies, rinks began to close. By 1999, blue slushie sales had hit rock bottom, causing 100 percent of the rinks in the country to close.
Brad had a lot of information, but unfortunately, he didn't know where I could find an open rink.
Next I put in a call out to my buddy Chris Hansen. Hansen, of Dateline NBC fame, is known for two things: making child molesters say 'damn, I'm screwed,' and getting incredibly drunk. After talking with Hansen for 48 minutes, I found out that 1 out of every 2 child molesters probably lives in Cleveland and absolutely nothing about roller skating rinks.
I finally hung up on him just as he was belligerently babbling something about a goat, a stripper and Tom Brokaw's last birthday party.
After two hours of effort and two wasted phone calls, I was about to give up. That was until Brad called back saying, 'hey I think we have a place, but you have to dress like one of the guys from Milli Vanilli and we have to blindfold you to get you there.'
I was skeptical at first, mainly because I hadn't been blindfolded since my sophomore year of college when a game of KY Jelly Twister got really out of hand.
Anyway, a 17-hour car ride and 3-day Hot Air balloon excursion later, we were in the parking lot of something that looked like a terrorist prison. However, there was no torturing going on inside, unless of course you consider waterboarding someone in a barrel full of grape kool-aid torture.
As an added bonus, I was able to make a short video while I was inside.
The video in and of itself isn't that funny, but it's not suppose to be. It's only purpose is to prove to people in Canada that roller skating rinks are awesome and that they still exist.
Oh and Just so you know, I have not seen a video this sloppy since Lindsay Lohan's first DUI was caught on a police cam. Please watch at your own discretion and keep in mind three things: The commentary is so bad, you're going to think Joe Buck did it, I don't know the words to Michael Jackson's 'Black or White' and there is a man in a gorilla suit... Only at the roller rink people, only at the roller rink.