Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Former Falcons Coach Dan Reeves Feels Sorry For Matthew Stafford, Why? Because Detroit Drafted Him

Who doesn't love getting 9 p.m. calls from their boss?

The crappy thing is, when this happens, you only have two options: ignore the call and deal with it the next day or answer the phone, pretend you're drunk and tell him you're having a threesome.

Either one of these works. However, since I wasn't drunk or having a threesome yesterday, I answered the fateful call.

My Boss: Breech, I have some good news and some bad news.

Me: Let me guess, I'm fired and we don't really have health insurance.

My Boss: Close. The bad news, you need to cover an event tomorrow at 7:30 a.m., the good news, you get a free breakfast.

Me talking to you, the reader: As everyone knows, the only way getting up before 9 a.m. is OK is if there's free food involved.

After 37 minutes of a back and forth conversation that went nowhere, I find out the assignment: I get to eat a free breakfast and then listen to a speech by former Falcons, Giants and Broncos coach, Dan Reeves.

For those of you who didn't read the last paragraph or if you're one of those people that regularly visits TMZ.com, you might not know who Dan Reeves is.

He's a former NFL head coach. He took the Broncos to three Super Bowls and the Falcons to one (I guess I should throw in that he went 0-4). He also coached the New York football Giants. And he won a Super Bowl as a Cowboy, so don't throw a pity party for the man because he lost four big ones.

Anyway, back to the breakfast. I'm the only media member in attendance, but I'm still required to sit at a table while the meal is being served. So I sit with a bunch of strangers, one guy who is apparently running for Governor of Georgia, and since I'm the worst non-sports reporter in the world, I can't tell you his name, but I think it's DuBose, can someone google that please.

Lets see, after pocketing my free $2 dollar bill (some company put two dollar bills on everyone's placemat, obviously thinking this was the most brilliant marketing ploy ever, my thoughts, 'thanks for the gallon of gas,') and then eating my sausage and eggs, I listened intently to Mr. Reeves.

Here are my favorite quotes from Mr. Reeves, who might be the nicest person in the world:

Reeves: I say this as affectionately as possible, but people don't want to live in Detroit.

That's right coach, jump on Detroit when they're down, I've already done it, just check out my piece on the unemployment rate in Michigan. When a 67-year-old man is making fun of your decrepit city, you're in trouble.

To be fair, Reeves made this statement when asked about Matt Stafford's chance at success, which are zero. Anyway, he said no player in their right mind wants to be in Detroit during the offseason, so it will be hard for Stafford to build a rapport with any of his players. (Stafford definitely should fire his agent, sure he got Matt $40 million guaranteed, but there's a big catch: Stafford has to live in Detroit year round... Our advice Matt, give the money back and move out of there as quickly as possible)

Guys don't want to spend the offseason in Detroit. After they play their last game, they're ready to leave, their bags are already packed.

I went to Detroit in 2005, here is a brief synopsis of my stay: Drink beer so I don't remember visit to ugly city, make fun of Lions fans who were all wearing Bengals colors because it was 'fire Matt Millen' day, give beer to homeless person, (which is now my favorite go-to joke ever), watch Bengals destroy Lions in 'battle of who is the worse team ever,' which the Bengals settled emphatically by putting up 41 on the hapless Lions.

That's right Detriot, we ripped your soul out before General Motors, Chrysler and your philandering Mayor did.

Reeves: Detroit is going to be a difficult place for him to win.

The best thing about my whole morning is that Reeves doesn't sugar coat anything. He knows what I know about the Lions; Joe Montana in his prime couldn't turn the team around. They're like the Bengals, except worse. Jim Schwartz is going to go 1-15 and get a 3-year extension because that would be an improvement on last season.

Reeves: I just wish Matt had taken another year in college. One more year in school doesn't sound like a lot, but it is, especially for maturity at the quarterback position.

This is Reeves way of saying 'Matt, you would have been a success if you had played for any other team, but the Lions have less hope then a quadriplegic in a paddle boat heading towards a waterfall. Retire now.

Moral of the story kids: Stay in school or you'll end up homeless in Detroit.

1 comment:

  1. Sooooo...is Cincinnati now the land of promise? Seriously, dude - hate to say it, but Reeves could've said the same thing about Cincy that he said about Detroit. Both are rust belt cities on the decline. Have you ever heard of anybody vacationing in Cincy?

    They even made a song about how bad Cincy sucks: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kle_m3TtMaU