Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Phoenix Suns Superstar Amare Stoudemire Gets Shot Down at Buckhead Hotel

A Special Report on Racism By John Breech

Note: John won a Pulitzer with his last special report: Why You Shouldn't Punch Your Girlfriend in Front of a Cop

Just when it looked like racism was over forever, two ugly stories rear their heads this week, one of them an Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati exclusive.

First up, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported yesterday that four black men are suing the Waffle House for discriminatory practices. Its alleged that the men went into the well-known waffle establishment around 2:30 a.m. in October and were basically refused service.

According to the men, they were told they would have to wait 30 to 40 minutes to have their order taken. While they were waiting the 30 to 40 minutes to have their order taken, several people who aren't black and who most would call white, walked into the restaurant and promptly placed an order.

The waitress, who probably didn't vote for Obama, kicked the four men out after one of them made a smart ass comment when she tried to take their order. The man said something to the effect of 'it hasn't quite been 40 minutes, we can keep waiting,' the waitress, for whatever reason was offended by this and tossed the men out of the restaurant.

Two white patrons at the restaurant were allegedly so offended by what happened that they went outside and apologized to the black men.

The kicker of the whole incident is that when police arrived, instead of aiding the men, one of them simply said, "Next time, go to IHOP."

First of all F*ck face, if I want waffles, I'm going to a waffle place not IHOP, second of all, there's only three IHOP's in all of the greater Cincinnati area.

Leave it to the West Chester Twp. police to make a lame-ass IHOP joke.

Anyway, here's my take: I've been into a Waffle House at 2:30 a.m. and let me say this, it is borderline impossible to get kicked out of there. Unless you're committing third degree murder or doing an eight ball of coke off of your girlfriends exposed breast, you're not going to be asked to leave.

Verdict: I hope they win $10 Bajillion dollars and free waffles for life.


Next up is the case of Amare Stoudemire, the nicest guy in the NBA. As everyone probably knows already, with the exception of JJ Redick and Adam Morrison, everyone in the NBA is either black or european.

This brings us to the black Mr. Stoudemire who was recently in Atlanta doing what rich 26-year-olds do: wasting as much money as possible and having fun.

On a certain Monday, Stoudemire and his entourage rolled into the posh W hotel in Buckhead. Stoudemire's crew, which was rolling about 20 people deep, was two things: hungry and mostly black.

After the powers that be at the W consulted, they decided that they didn't have enough staff on duty to take a party of 20. Stoudemire and company would probably have spent upwards of $3,000.

After Stoudemire was told that the restaurant was understaffed, he politely left without raising a ruckus.

My take on the situation: I worked in the restaurant industry for seven years, I don't care if the only two people on duty are a quadriplegic cook and a dead squirrel, no manager worth anything would turn down $3,000 worth of business.

Whoever was running the W that night absolutely crapped their pants when they saw 8 escalades and 19 black guys roll up. It's too bad Stoudemire didn't make a stink of this whole thing because if there is one place in Atlanta that thinks there sh!t doesn't stink, it's the W.

Oh and the kicker in the Stoudemire situation is that no one at the W knew it was millionaire basketball player Amare Stoudemire. You can bet that if they had known, they would have seated the man faster then you can say "emancipation proclamation."

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