Monday, September 28, 2009

How Awesome Are These Bengals? Andre Caldwell Threw $1,000 Into Stands After Huge Win Over Steelers

(AP Photo/Tom Uhlman)

by john breech / staff

If you're one of those cool people with a Twitter account and you're a Bengals fan, then you probably follow Mr. Ochocinco.

Leading up to Sunday's game with the Steelers, Chad tweeted to anyone that would listen that he had a huge Spanish themed touchdown celebration planned. The only bad thing about yesterday's game, Chad didn't make it into the end zone, so no one got to see his new celebration... Or so we thought.

It looks like Chad gave Andre Caldwell permission to steal his touchdown celebration after yesterday's game-winning score.

On a completely unrelated note, sales of of shots of tequila went up ten fold in bars across Cincinnati after Caldwell's touchdown.

Anyway, back to the celebration. Caldwell said on his twitter page today that he threw a Pinata into the crowd after the game. What was in the Pinata? Lets just say it wasn't candy (Unless of course you eat money pretending its candy, which wouldn't be normal). Ochocinco filled a pinata with $1,000 in cold hard cash (all one dollar bills) and Caldwell threw it into the stands.

Here's Caldwell on Twitter: Do anybody know what was in the piñata that I threw in the stands after the game yesterday?

it was part of Ocho's celebration it's was a piñata with a 1,000 dollars in one dollar bills.

If anyone has any pictures of this or would like to share any money with INSIC, please let me know.

On a semi-related note, Andre Caldwell is my new God, I will be praying to him at church this Sunday. Sorry old God.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Steve McNair Photo Fallout: Damnit Kings Island, Things Were Looking Up In Cincinnati

By John Breech / Staff

Bengals players stopped getting arrested and they beat Green Bay. The Reds have won something like 23 of their last 24 games. Yes everyone, life in Cincinnati was starting to look good.

Until yesterday, when Channel 5 (WLWT) unveiled to the world Kings Island's Halloween showcase...

From the channel 5 website: Kings Island will employ some unusual tactics to scare park-goers this Halloween -- including the use of live animals and dead celebrities.

Wow, that sounds like fun Kings Island, deceased celebrities are both scary and amusing. I'm definitely showing up and I'd pay at least $90 to get in.

Lets see which famous dead people Kings Island included in their Halloween horror-town: Michael Jackson, Dave Thomas (Wendy's Founder), Ted Williams... STEVE "I just got a bullet put through my head two months ago" McNair.

Seriously Kings Island, you put a Steve McNair skeleton on a couch with a Sahel Kazemi skeleton on top of him and then you topped it off with a Tennessee Titans trick-or-treat basket... Trick or fucking treat McNair family.

That's right everyone. Two months removed from being gunned down and killed is not too soon to be included in a public Halloween display.

Awesome Kings Island. Awesome.

On a side note, it's funny if college kids dress up like the Crocodile Hunter or Steve McNair two weeks after those people die. But it is not OK for a family theme amusement park to do this.

Kings Island, you are the reason its not sunny in Cincinnati this week.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Official Bengals Skewed NFL Week 3 Power Rankings (Top 15)

If there is one thing we love to do here at Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati, its this: create an NFL power rankings that only takes into account how awesome the Bengals are.

As most Cincinnati fans know, the Bengals have slowly been creeping up on the NFL for the last 18 seasons. Its been the world's longest and most cleverly planned sneak attack.

Most Bengals fans like to call Mike Brown stupid, here at INSIC we prefer incredibly intelligent.

For the last 18 years, Brown has successfully made every NFL franchise believe that the Bengals are the French Army of the NFL, horribly organized and a threat to no one.

However, after two decades, Brown's plan is just beginning to take shape. What is that plan you ask?

Obviously it's that the Bengals are going to sneak up on every team they play this season, beat them to a pulp and then win the division. There is no other word to describe this except for brilliant.

Everyone at INSIC agrees that Brown only has one intellectual equivalent: MacGyver. Unfortunately, five minutes before we wrote this, we found out that MacGyver is a fictional character, which by default, makes Brown the smartest man on earth.

Anyway, here is the Bengals Skewed Week 3 Power Rankings:

1. Denver Broncos (2-0): You can't argue this one. Any team that beats the Bengals has to be number one. Yes, this means we had 11 teams tied at number one after last season was over. Don't ask where we had the Eagles after the tie.

2. Cincinnati Bengals (1-1): Bill Simmons is never wrong. Bill Simmons picked the Packers to win the Super Bowl. The Bengals beat the Packers, so right now, using basic elementary syllogism, we can ascertain that the Bengals are now Simmons' pick to win the Super Bowl. (Sorry for using ascertain and syllogism in the same sentence, Daniel Webster wrote the first eight paragraphs of this post).

3. Indianapolis Colts (2-0): Peyton Manning spent more time in the post game shower Monday night than his offense did with the football (14:53). If you can hold the pigskin for under 15 minutes and still win an NFL football game, your team should not only win the game, they should get free Waffle House for life...

4. Atlanta Falcons (2-0): Matt Ryan hooked up with Tony Gonzalez Sunday more times than he hooked up with his girlfriend all of last week.

5. New York Giants (2-0): Every time Eli Manning orchestrates anything resembling a comeback, everyone in the country thinks it's a fluke. That's how we know Sunday night was a fluke.

6. San Francisco 49ers (2-0): The NFC West is like a giant game of Twister being played by four blind people, three of whom are on crutches. Lucky for the 49ers, they're the team not on crutches this year.

7. New Orleans Saints (2-0): Here's the most interesting question to come out of week 3, who scored more last weekend, the Saints or Justin Timberlake?

8. New York Jets (2-0): Note to Mark Sanchez: Rookie quarterbacks do not win Super Bowls. Yes, they get laid all the time, yes they get all the free maple syrup they want, but they don't win Super Bowls.

9. Minnesota Vikings (2-0): Old Man Favre is like Taco Bell. You hate it and you won't go near it until your drunk off 18 shots of tequila and it's the only thing open. Then and only then can you enjoy it.

10. Baltimore Ravens (2-0): Ravens fans, you're lucky you're this high. Sure ESPN has you number one, but they must be forgetting that you have to play the Bengals twice this season. That's two losses. Combine that with the surefire losses to Indianapolis, Minnesota, Pittsburgh (once) and New England and that puts you at 10-6, hope its good enough to make the playoffs.

11. Green Bay Packers (1-1): Green Bay should not be punished for losing to the eventual Super Bowl champs. That's like getting pissed at your grandpa for losing to Garry Kasparov in chess.

12. Chicago Bears (1-1): Beating the Steelers usually means a jump to number three, but everyone at INSIC hates Jay Cutler. If we had a choice between viewing a Cutler post game press conference or watching Spencer Pratt have sex with a dying panda bear in a truck stop shower, well... lets just hope we're never stuck with that choice.

13. San Diego Chargers (1-1): People being suffocated to death don't choke as much as this team. Will they ever win a big game against a good team? And no, that is not a rhetorical question, the answer is, "Not as long as Norv Turner is coach."

14. New England Patriots (1-1): Maybe if Tom Brady would stop impregnating his Supermodel wife, he could find some time to win a fricking football game.

15. Buffalo Bills (1-1): The Bills won't be ranked long, we're just already tired of Terrell Owens complaining about the Bills ranking in our blog.

31. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1): This is obvious, if anything, we are over ranking them. The Steelers are horrible. They lost to the Bears, the whole city is a flammable piece of trash and Hines Ward hates old people.

32. Cleveland Browns (0-2): As if the city of Cleveland doesn't have enough problems, they now have to deal with a completely inept football team that might somehow manage to lose more games than the Indians (As of this writing the Indians have 89 losses, so this might not seem mathematically possible, but its the Browns, so you never know.)

Friday, September 18, 2009

Bengals-Packers Have History of Fun: Top 5 Games in Series

Bengals and Packers fans, grab a cup of coffee, your crack pipe, a mango or whatever you like to read with and get ready to relive the most exciting five games in series history.

And yes, you will read about the birth of Brett Favre. Not his real birth of course, but his metaphorical football birth.

Also, I was Greg Gall last halloween, if you don't know who he is, punch yourself in the face and skip straight to number two on this list

Alright, without further ado, let's take a closer look at the all-time Cincinnati-Green Bay series.

Fact to impress drunk people with: Most Packers fans know this, but Bengals fans might not. From 1953-1994, the Packers played up to three home games per year in Milwaukee. The Bengals are 2-0 in trips to Milwaukee.

All-time series: Tied 5-5*

* = will be 6-5 Bengals after Sunday

Let's start the countdown.

5. Oct. 3, 1971, at Green Bay

The very first game in the Bengals-Packers series was a good one. Dan Devine, in his first season as Packers head coach, watched his team jump out to a 10-0 lead.

However, the Bengals jumped right back into the game thanks to a 65-yard interception return for a touchdown by defensive back Lemar Parrish.

At halftime, Bengals coach Paul Brown decided that starting quarterback Virgil Carter was a talentless hack, so he replaced him with rookie Kenny Anderson (Reason number 9,474 why Paul Brown is brilliant).

Anderson would throw the first touchdown pass of his storied career in the fourth quarter to wide receiver Eric Crabtree, but it wouldn't be enough.

Devine would spend four years with the Packers before leaving for Notre Dame where he single-handedly almost made sure Rudy's storied one-play career never happened. Dan Devine can go to hell, I'm Rudy chanting my nephew to bed tonight.

Result: Green Bay 20, Cincinnati 17

4. Oct. 5, 1986, at Milwaukee

This game had then Packers coach Forrest Gregg emotionally torn. The 1986 meeting marked the first time that Gregg had faced off against the Bengals since leaving the organization after the 1983 season to take the Packers job. (We will not be making fun of Gregg because we love him in Cincinnati).

When Gregg left Cincinnati, he was only two seasons removed from guiding the Bengals to Super Bowl XVI.

The Packers came into the game 0-4 (many think the 1986 team was one of the worst in Packers history) and really shouldn't have been any sort of match for the high-flying Bengals. At the beginning of the game, they weren't.

Behind three touchdown passes from Boomer Esiason, two of which went to Cris Collinsworth, the Bengals jumped out to a 34-14 lead. Seriously, highlights from this game should be the intro to both the NBC Sunday night game (Collinsworth) and the CBS studio show (Esiason). Esiason to Collinsworth touchdown passes should be dubbed over with Gus Johnson's announcing.

Anyway, the Packers would score two late touchdowns, but they wouldn't be able to get the big win for the always emotional Gregg.

Result: Cincinnati 34, Green Bay 28

3. Oct. 5, 1980, at Green Bay

Once again, Forrest Gregg is the story. However, this time, it's because he's the Bengals coach.

The 1980 game represented the first time Gregg, who was a legendary lineman for the Packers in the 1960's, returned to Green Bay as a coach to face the team he once played for (Gregg coached the Browns from 1975-77, but never faced the Packers).

Once again, Gregg's team didn't come out on top. Kenny Anderson threw two interceptions. Bengals Hall-of-Fame left tackle Anthony Munoz caught his first career pass but got dropped for a six-yard loss.

And to make things worse, Munoz didn't even have the worst stat line among receivers. Fullback Nathan Poole took that honor as he managed one catch for negative seven yards.

Kicker Ian Sunter (20, 34, 31) would score all of Cincinnati's points, but the difference in the game proved to be Packer quarterback Lynn Dickey, who threw two touchdown passes, one of which went to James Lofton.

Bottom line: both teams sucked in 1980 (Bengals 6-10, Packers 5-10-1), this game is only on the list because of Forrest Gregg.

Result: Green Bay 14, Cincinnati 9

2. Oct. 20, 2005, at Cincinnati

No self-loving Packers or Bengals fan will forget this game any time soon. Brett Favre threw five interceptions, got stripped by a Bengals fan, and still almost willed his team to a win.

Favre's five-pick performance wasn't completely out of character considering he was in the middle of one of his worst seasons as a pro.

Not to mention the Bengals had picked off both Daunte Culpepper (Vikings) and Kyle Orton (Bears) five times earlier in the season (the Bengals were the first team since the 1970 Chiefs to have five interceptions in three different games).

The biggest shocker of the game came with under two minutes left in the fourth quarter. As the Packers were driving to tie, Bengals fan Greg Gall ran out of the stands and onto the field. He didn't stop there though, Gall ran right up to Favre and took the ball out of the right hand of the startled superstar.

After Gall gets the ball from Favre, we get an example of how pathetic Mike Brown's scouting department really is: some BENGALS SECURITY GUY who hits harder than Mike Singletary did in his prime, takes Gall down with a blow that made my head and my liver hurt. The security guy should have been signed three hours later, no questions asked.

Anyway, thanks to the smart-thinking fan, the Bengals defense caught a breather and kept Favre and his offensive friends out of the end zone.

Carson Palmer's three touchdown passes would end up being just enough for the win.

Result: Cincinnati 21, Green Bay 14

1. Sept. 20, 1992, at Green Bay

Where did the legend of Brett Favre begin? It all started on a sunny September day in 1992 against the 2-0 Cincinnati Bengals.

Packers fans, this game is the genesis of the Brett Favre bible, the first step in his soon to be Hall-of-Fame career.

This game was also a crossroads for both franchises. The Bengals came into the week three game undefeated, while the Packers were 0-2.

As the game headed into the fourth quarter, 33-year-old rookie Bengals coach Dave Shula looked like a boy genius. He was only minutes away from starting his coaching career 3-0.

On the other sideline was Packers first-year head coach Mike Holmgren. The Packers had gone 4-12 the year before Holmgren's arrival and an 0-3 start just might have been enough to put him on the hot seat.

Fast forward to the fourth quarter.

Bengals kicker Jim Breech nails a 41-yard field goal with 1:11 showing on the clock, his second one of the fourth quarter, and it puts his team up 23-17.

The kick is huge for one reason; if he had missed, the Bengals would have been up 20-17 and a rookie head coach (Holmgren) desperate for his first win would have surely played for a tie.

As it is though, the Packers know they need a touchdown or the games over.

Favre is in an impossible situation (think Davey Crockett at the Alamo, except give the Mexicans three tanks, 12 machine guns and a surface-to-air missile); with 1:07 left, he's on his own eight-yard line with no timeouts knowing he needs a touchdown to win.

Right off the bat, Favre hits Sterling Sharpe for a 42-yard gain that has the cheeseheads at Lambeau going crazy. However, Sharpe would injure himself on the play and have to leave the game.

Undeterred, the Packers run two more plays that advance them to the Bengals 35-yard line. From there... Favre retires for the first time, everyone cheers, the Bengals go 3-0, Holmgren is fired, Boomer Esiason is named best football player ever...

OK, that's not what happened...

From there...

Favre splits the Bengals corner and safety with a 35-yard laser down the right sideline. Kitrick Taylor catches the ball in full stride at the two-yard line and walks into the end zone. Chris Jacke completed the improbable comeback with the PAT. By the way, Favre was making his first hold of the season on the PAT and no one in Lambeau seemed worried that Jacke would miss it, that only happens in Cincinnati.

Even more improbable, Taylor would only catch two passes on the season, one of which was the aforementioned touchdown.

As for Bengals fans, it was a nightmare relived because it wasn't the first time a quarterback finished a 92-yard game-winning drive with a touchdown pass to somebody named Taylor (see Super Bowl XXIII).

This is the game that Dave Shula thinks about before he goes to bed every night.

Post game interview with Brett Favre which is even more priceless because OJ Simpson is in the studio with Bob Costas.

Result: Green Bay 24, Cincinnati 23

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Thought Sunday's Loss Was Bad: This is the Cincinnati Bengals, It's Not Even In The Top Five

(The 49ers handed the Bengals three of the most excruciating losses in team history. In two of them, Bill Walsh's [right] 49ers beats Sam Wcyhe's Bengals)

For most NFL fan bases, losing a game on an 87-yard tipped touchdown pass would probably be the low point in franchise history. Not in Cincinnati though. Nightmares happen here more often than on Elm Street.

The truth is that no Cincinnati fan over the age of six actually thought the game was over after Cedric Benson's touchdown.

With :38 seconds left in the game, I swear to David Klingler I had this exact thought,

"I bet Orton throws a high liner for Marshall that Leon Hall tips into the air, it will be caught by Brandon Stokely, who hasn't had a catch all day and he'll scamper 87-yards for a touchdown."

OK, so I didn't think that. I was thinking more along the lines of, "I bet Matt Prater makes a 68-yard field goal left-footed with no shoe on."

Hopefully you get the point here—Bengals fans have very active imaginations when it comes to ways to lose a game.

Anyway, let's get to the five most gut punching losses ever, please get out the puke bucket because your stomach is going to get queasy....

Honorable Mention:

Sept. 19, 1976 at Baltimore 28-27: Maybe the Bengals should just forfeit weeks one and two to make things easier on the fans. In week two of 1976, the Bengals watch their 27-21 lead disappear late in the fourth quarter on a Roosevelt Leaks two-yard touchdown run. Cincinnati would finish 10-4 and out of the playoffs, the Colts would go 11-3 and be the last team in.

Jan. 24, 1982, Super Bowl XVI: The Bengals' first foray into the big game almost turned into embarrassment when they found themselves down 20-0 at halftime. However, the Bengals came within inches of a miraculous third quarter comeback.

On first-and-goal from the one, Cincinnati had four chances to punch the ball in for a touchdown that would have cut the 49er lead to 20-14.

However, this is the Bengals, so we all know what happens. Bengals don't get in, 49ers end up winning 26-21.

Sept. 13, 2009 vs. Broncos 12-7: You know what happened. The immaculate deflection. Lets just say that historically, the Bengals do not respond well to adversity, see the last 18 seasons.

Sept. 12, 1999 vs. Tennessee 36-35:
On opening day 1999, the Bengals managed to blow a 35-26 lead in the fourth quarter. Al Del Greco hit the game winner as time trickled down in the game. Tennessee would finish the season one-yard shy of a World Championship, the Bengals would end the year 4-12.

Dec. 31, 2006 vs. Pittsburgh 23-17 OT
-Mr. Almost Always Automatic Shayne Graham goes wide on a 39-yard attempt that would have put the Bengals in the playoffs. This wasn't as painful as a week earlier which starts off this list.

5. Dec. 24, 2006 at Denver

99 percent of Bengals fans had a flashback to this game on Sunday. Either you did it when St. Louis crapped out the snap on the first half field goal. Or you kept saying to yourself after Cedric Benson's touchdown, 'they're going to botch the extra point, damnit, I know it.'

We all remember this Christmas Eve classic. St. Louis and holder Kyle Larsen look like they've never held or snapped a ball in their lives. Blah, blah, blah, read this post for the rest of the story. Bottom line this game cost us a playoff spot, Bengals lose 24-23.

4. TIE October 30, 1994 vs. Dallas, October 20, 1996 at San Francisco

I think you'll notice that the 49ers are on this list 17 times. Anyway, in the Dallas game, the 0-8 Bengals are 17-point underdogs to the defending Super Bowl champs. Jeff 'Shake n' Blake comes out firing and hits Darnay Scott with two long touchdown passes (67, 55) as the Bengals shoot out to a 14-0 lead. Um, lets see, how does this game end again. How about Cowboys kicker Chris Boniol hitting a late fourth quarter field goal for a 23-20 Cowboys win.

49ers-Bengals also involves a bomb or two to Darnay Scott. Only this time the Bengals would jump out to a 21-0 lead. Then Steve Young, who, if you believe the announcers, was dying of cancer in the second half, made a miraculous comeback. 49ers win 28-21 with a fourth quarter touchdown, Young is called a hero, a trooper and he probably would have been named Pope if he wasn't mormon. Blah, blah, blah.

3. September 20, 1987 at Cincinnati vs. San Francisco

Former Bengals Kicker Jim Breech is going to love this list because 3 of the 5 losses listed cost him fame, fortune and probably his own Cessna.

In this game that most fans don't remember and pretty much is the equivalent of getting hit in the face with a tire iron, Breech hit four field goals (23, 42, 41, 46) including two in the fourth quarter that gave Cincy a 26-20 lead.

With :06 seconds showing on the clock, the Bengals had the ball on their own 31. Coach Sam Wyche didn't want to risk a blocked punt, so he had running back James Brooks run a sweep. The thought being that the speedy Brooks could run out :06. But this is the Bengals, so we all know that didn't happen.

Brooks loses six yards and is tripped up at the 25-yard line with :02 left. That turns out to be all the time Joe Montana needs to hit Jerry Rice for a game-winning touchdown. Ray Wersching's extra point means the 49ers escape Riverfront with a 27-26 win. If you're looking for a gut punching last second loss where there is no time left on the clock, this is it.

2. September 20, 1992 (Is Sept. 20 cursed, WTF, this game, the 49er game, what the hell is going to happen this Sunday)

I won't go into detail here about this game because on Thursday INSIC will be producing a Bengals-Packers top five games ever. Lets just say Jim Breech hits a 41-yard field goal to give the Bengals a 23-17 lead with 1:11 showing on the clock.

The ensuing kickoff leaves the Pack at their own eight-yard line.

What do the Packers have going against them?

Top receiver Sterling Sharpe goes out two plays into the drive thanks to an injury. Starting quarterback Don Majkowski had already gone down in the first half, so Green Bay needed their backup quarterback (a second-year castoff from Atlanta) to drive them 92 yards, which is the equivalent of putting a homeless guy in a chemistry lab and asking him to cure AIDS.

What do you think happens? It's the Bengals, and it's the game that makes Brett Favre a legend. Packers 24-23.

Even more heartbreaking, the Bengals were 2-0 going into this game. They would finish the season 5-11.

1. I'll let Youtube explain this one.

But lets just say, Jim Breech makes his cameo appearance with 3:16 left in this game when he hits a 40-yard field goal to put the team up 16-13.

Bengals fans get happy.

Bengals fans realize they will probably lose.

Bengals fans knew this was coming, so crying was kept to a minimum.

This link is Montana-to-Taylor only, the above link begins at 3:16 with Breech's field goal.

I say Bengals lose to Packers 12-11 this week, but all of Green Bay's points are scored on safeties.

Oh and in case you're some sort of masochist and you still haven't had enough, here's the clip from number three. Keep in mind, the Bengals were up 26-20 and had the ball with six seconds left. They couldn't run out the clock and the 49ers got the ball back with two seconds left on the Bengals 25-yard line.

Cincinnati Bengals-San Francisco 49ers, 1987

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Bengals-Broncos: Bengals Fans Have Suicidal Reaction to Impossible Loss

Its Never Sunny In Cincinnati is sad to report that we received this video 3 minutes after the Bengals game ended. RIP friend.

On a side note, only a Bengals fan would watch a football game with a bottle of tequila and a giant steak knife on their coffee table.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Football History 101: Bengals-Broncos Top 5 Games Ever

Will Sunday's Bengals-Broncos game be a classic? Probably not. No game involving Kyle Orton ever is.

However, these two franchises have had several sweet battles in the past. In honor of Sunday's opener, INSIC has decided to look at the top 5 games in Bengals-Broncos history.

If you're lucky, you can use this knowledge on Sunday to get laid.

If you're not lucky, you'll probably use this knowledge to relive the time in 2006 when you didn't celebrate Christmas because Brad St. Louis did the long snapper's equivalent of a Scott Norwood in the Bengals 24-23 loss to the Broncos.

Fun Fact that can be used to outsmart drunk know-it-alls: The Bengals and Broncos were actually division rivals in 1968 and '69. During Cincinnati's first two season's in the league, they played in the AFL's West Division with Oakland, Kansas City, San Diego, and Denver.

All-time series: Broncos lead 16-8*

*=will be 16-9 after Sunday

Let's start the countdown:

5. Sept. 2, 1984, at Denver

The 2009 season won't be the first time these two teams have met in the opener. In 1984, expectations were high for both squads.

The Broncos were coming off their first playoff appearance in three years, while the Bengals were in the midst of a run that saw them get to the playoffs in two of the previous three seasons.

In his first game as Bengals head coach, Sam Wyche watched his team lose on a fourth-quarter touchdown pass—only second-year Broncos quarterback John Elway didn't throw it.

Gary "Nobody has ever heard of me" Kubiak, playing in one of only two games he started on the season, hit tight end Clarence Kay with an eight-yard strike that gave his team the lead late in the game.

The game was filled with errors. Broncos kicker Rich Karlis missed his first extra point attempt on the day. Bengals kicker Jim Breech uncharacteristically missed two field goals (he made a 46-yarder), and Bengals quarterback Ken Anderson threw a pick that set up Denver's second touchdown.

The Bengals would finish the 1984 season at 8-8 and one game out of the playoffs, while the Broncos would take the AFC West with a 13-3 record.

Result: Denver 20, Cincinnati 17

4. Oct. 25, 2004, at Cincinnati

This game was big for one reason and one reason only: the return of Monday Night Football to Cincinnati. After a 15-year absence (MNF's last visit to Cincinnati had been on Sept. 25, 1989) the Bengals returned with a vengeance.

Cincinnati was 1-4 going into the game, and ABC may have regretted bringing prime-time football back to the Queen City.

However, a 50-yard touchdown pass from Carson Palmer to Chad Johnson resulted in the first score of the game and the Bengals never looked back.

Result: Cincinnati 23, Denver 10

3. Sept. 15, 1968, at Cincinnati

This game could arguably be No. 1, considering its historical significance for the Bengals franchise. The 24-10 win over Denver represented both the Bengals' first home game ever and the first win in team history.

Bengals quarterback John Stofa threw for 224 yards and two touchdowns on the day. Stofa's TD passes were both long bombs. The first one was a 58-yarder to Bengals great Bob Trumpy, the second one a 54-yard beauty to Warren McVea.

Stofa only started seven games in his Bengals career, with this win over Denver undoubtedly being the highlight. McVea would end his lone season in Cincinnati with a mere two touchdown catches.

Result: Cincinnati 24, Denver 10

2. Dec. 24, 2006, at Denver

The very thought of this game makes most Bengals fans want to bathe in used cat litter. After Denver took a 24-17 lead late in the game on a Jason Elam field goal, it was up to Carson Palmer and the Bengals offense to prove that they were not only fun to watch, but clutch as well.

Palmer did his part, running a perfect two-minute drill in the fourth quarter. He then capped the remarkable drive with a 10-yard touchdown pass to T.J. Houshmandzadeh, which tied the game at 24...

Hold on—no it didn't. The Bengals still had to make the extra point. After a low Brad St. Louis snap was bobbled by Kyle Larson in the cold Denver snow, kicker Shayne Graham never got a chance to put his right foot on the ball.

Overtime averted, Broncos win, and Bengals fans spend Christmas Eve drinking egg nog laced Captain Morgan and cursing Santa Claus.

Result: Denver 24, Cincinnati 23

1. Oct. 22, 2000, at Cincinnati

On paper, this game had all the makings of a blowout. The lowly Bengals came into the game 0-6, having already been shut out twice in the season's first six weeks.

Denver, on the other hand, came into the game 4-3 and on its way to claiming an AFC Wildcard at 11-5. The wildcard slot would have been a division title if the Broncos had won this game.

However, with the Broncos' defensive front seven seemingly on a mental vacation, Bengals running back Corey Dillon exploded for a then-NFL record 278 rushing yards.

As the Bengals averaged a dismal 6.2 points in their first six games, nobody in the world could have seen this coming. Dillon scored on runs of 65 and 41 yards while averaging an unimaginable 12.6 yards per carry.

To put into perspective how bad this Bengals team was, this would be the first and only time all season Cincinnati scored more than 30 points. The offense would finish the season ranked 30th (out of 31) in the NFL.

Result: Cincinnati 31, Denver 21

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Bengals-Broncos on Verge of Not Selling Out, Crazy Tailgate Contraptions May Not be Used

As the clock ticks toward 1 p.m. Friday, it's looking more and more like the Bengals will not sell out Sunday's home opener (there are over 4,000 tickets left. Usually a team must sell out by 1 p.m. Thursday, but the Bengals were granted a 24 hour extension).

What does this mean for you, the loyal Bengals fan. This means that if you live within 75 miles of Cincinnati, the game will not be on in your market.

And yes, this includes you, you sneaky Lexingtonians (KY) who thought you might get the game. You're considered a Bengals market which means one thing (cue the soup nazi), no Bengals game for you.

What it comes down to is this, the only way you're going to be able to watch the game is if I set up a slingbox at my house in Atlanta (If you're like 97 percent of the country and don't know what a slingbox is, click here, basically, I can send my Directv feed to your computer.)

Although I should note that the NFL this morning partially waived the black out rule. To most Bengals fans, this news is on par with hearing that Andre Smith only partially ate a fried twinkie dinner last night (The good news: Andre didn't eat the whole meal. Bad news: Smith is still eating fried twinkie dinners. Good news: NFL partially waives blackout rule. Bad News: You still can't watch the game live.)

The NFL will now rebroadcast each game on for free, beginning at 12:01 am Monday (Sunday night if you will). So if you're one of those people that has no TV, no computer, no cell phone, no pager and no friends that will spoil the outcome of the game, then this is perfect for you.

Oh there is one more thing, Bengals owner Mike Brown could do what Falcons owner Artur Blank did last season: drop ticket prices $10 for the game, have sponsors buy 1,500 and sell any remaining season tickets in the top deck for $300. But that would make too much sense.

By the way, since my NFL picks won't be up until Saturday, my prediction for tonight: the team I hate more than Hitler 20, Titans 13.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Reds Sweep Up Atlanta Over Labor Day Weekend

John helps Turner Field security sweep up the park after the Reds take 3 of 3 from the Braves.

The Reds have caused me more stomach pain this season than a glass of unfiltered Mexican tap water. I gave up on them sometime around mid-July.

Once August rolls around, there's really only two reasons to go to a game: to see if Michah Owings will die and to cross your fingers and hope that there is a "Bark in the Park" promotion going on so that you can feed the dogs chocolate and give them fake names.

After attending exactly ZERO Reds games all season, I finally hit up my first one on Sunday. It was me, four friends, my broom, my brother, my sister-in-law, someone who followed us from a Taco Bell parking lot and two strangers we picked up in a seedy part of the city. The perfect combination of people if you ask me.

While everyone got drunk on $8.00 beers, I refrained, instead I ate dippin' dots. The Reds are an astonishing 11-0 when I eat 'The Ice Cream of the Future.' And thanks to Michah Owings left temple, they're now 12-0.

For anyone that missed SportsCenter Sunday night. The Reds and Braves were tied 2-2 in the top of the 11th. It was bases loaded for Cincinnati and everyone's favorite pitcher who also pinch hits, Michah Owings, was batting.

Twelve seconds later, Braves pitcher Kenshin Kawakami drilled Owings in the head. Kawakami drilled him so hard that 40 percent of the people in the stadium thought Owings was dead. Miraculously, Owings didn't die. What occurred turned out to be the sweetest game-winning RBI ever.

Because the bases were loaded, Owings getting hit by the pitch scored a run for the Reds. Me and my new dog friend (Pete Rose Jr, pictured below) were the only ones that brought a broom to the stadium. So we were pretty excited. (Pete Rose Jr's broom was around his neck, mine was not.)

By the way, the dog's name was not Pete Rose Jr., that's just what I called him.

I think his real name was spot, so we can probably all agree that Pete Rose Jr. is a way better name.

Now that the Reds season is unofficially over, it's time to buy a dog, name him Ickey Woods Jr and get ready for the Bengals.

Oh, and here's why I don't make friends with anyone in Atlanta. In the 11th inning, some guy below us had eight undranken beers. Seriously dude, those things are $8.00 a piece, I could have bought a new Wii game with the amount of money you spent on beer.

(By the way, I know undranken is not a word, that is why I have highlighted it, please no emails unless you work for Merriam-Webster and you're writing to tell me undranken and Breechesque will be included in this year's edition of the dictionary.)

Douchebag with his 8 beers pictured below. In his defense the one he is holding is half empty, so he actually is only wasting 7 and a half beers.

And in case you're wondering, yes, Turner Field does stop selling beer in the seventh. How does this guy still have 8 beers in the 11th, only God and Pete Coors know.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Bengals Owner Mike Brown Not too Popular With Other NFL Owners

Yesterday, Yahoo! sport's Michael Silver wrote a piece ranking NFL Owners.

Now Silver was probably drunk when he did it because he ranked Mike Brown a little high at 31 (We all know he should be 32), but the most telling part of the article is this quote Silver extracted from an anonymous NFL Owner,

"Anything that's going to force him to do any extra work, he speaks out against it," the anonymous owner says about his Bengals counterpart.

According to the article, Brown also hates the people of New Orleans. Saints Owner Tom Benson was trying to do something or other to help the city and Mike Brown was against it, "It's a great American story, Tom Benson defying the skeptics and keeping the Saints in New Orleans and [expletive] Mike Brown speaks out against it."

If I just read this correctly and I like to think that I did, an NFL owner just got so pissed thinking about Mike Brown that he cussed. Wow. Raise your hand if you've ever done that.

Finally, Mr. Anonymous Owner ends with this, "Meanwhile, the guy has the best stadium deal ever. It was completely built for him and he has no operating expenses. He probably makes more money than any of us." I can feel the hatred.

So there you have it Bengals fans, the list of people who think Mike Brown is more useless than a used roll of toilet paper is longer than you think.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Bengals-SteelersTickets Aren't Exactly Sold Out

Earlier this morning, the Bengals announced that their Sept. 27 home game with the Steelers was sold out.

Well, that's not completely accurate. If you're a diehard Bengals fan who wants to buy tickets at face value so that you can turn around and sell them to your Steeler fan friends at an inflated price, you still can. All you have to do is go to and purchase the tickets individually. (Meaning, you can't buy them in pairs).

Now, if you're the Bengals, announcing the sell-out when there are probably 100-200 tickets left doesn't make much sense. Sure they're single seat and you'd have to sit by your self, but my friends are usually so drunk by the time the game starts that I might as well be sitting by myself.

Plus, if a potential ticket buyer thinks the game is sold out, they'll never make it to ticketmaster or the Bengals ticket office to buy the remaining tickets.

Anyway, the screen grab at the top of the page is from 2:20 p.m. today, it was taken from roughly four hours after announced the sell out.

In the Bengals defense, teams commonly declare sell outs when very few tickets remain, but if you're in the Bengals situation (that being, you haven't won a playoff game in 18 years, have only had one winning season in the last 19 and you have not even sold out your home opener), it's probably not a good idea to go declaring sell outs until all the tickets are actually sold. Especially considering the fact that the guys at Who Dey Revolution have made it their life's work to see that Zero people attend the Kansas City game in December. (Well, that's not exactly what they're doing, they just don't want people to buy tickets, and if there plan works to perfection, zero people at the Kansas City game would mean every single one of them would wet their pants in simultaneous euphoria.)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Its Never Not Sunny in the ATL: Hotlanta to Have Sportsgasm Labor Day Weekend and the Reds will be Here to Enjoy Every Second of it

(Drunk college students from Alabama and Virginia Tech will be taking over Atlanta this weekend)

By John Breech/staff

Guess what's going on in Atlanta this weekend. If you guessed 'everything,' then you're right. For three straight nights over Labor Day weekend, the ATL is going to be a sports fans wet dream. The fun starts Friday night at 7:30 p.m. when the Cincinnati Reds FINALLY come to Atlanta for a baseball game.

(Oh, by the way, if you happen to be a girl who hates sports, you can go to the Britney Spears concert instead, that starts at 7:30 p.m. also)

Fifteen years ago, these former division rivals played each other 15 times a season, now it seems like the only time the Reds are in Atlanta is if they get traded here. (On a completely unrelated airport side note: Hartsfeld-Jackson Airport is the bubonic plague of North American airports, avoid it at all costs, for god's sake, walk to your destination if you have to, do not go through this airport. If you have a layover here, kill your self, it will be less painful).

Living in Atlanta and being a Reds fan is impossibly sucky. The day the 2009 schedule was released, I crapped my pants. Why? Because I found out the Reds were making one trip to Atlanta, ONE F-ing trip. On top of that, the trip was scheduled for September. Any half intelligent retard of a Reds fans knows that the team is usually 37 games out of first and has traded all their stars by this point.

So basically, I get to watch a Triple-A team wearing Reds uniforms. Awesome. The only thing that could possibly make up for watching this abomination of a team would be if for some reason thousands of 18-22 year old drunk girls were making their way to town.

Wait, what's that you just said? College Gameday is in Atlanta this Saturday!

Next to Las Vegas, Halloween and New Years Eve, the Gameday set comes in at a close number four in the highly underrated 'times where girls get the skankiest' rankings. Thank you Chik-Fil-A for bringing in Alabama and Virginia Tech to kickoff the College Football Season, every male in the city is deeply indebted to you.

Oh, and keep reading, because the weekend isn't even half way over. After Gameday concludes and after the APD makes at least 31 disorderly conduct arrests, there's an actual game to be played. Football fans will head to the Ga. Dome at 8 pm to see how drunk the college girls got (or to actually watch some of the game), pathetic Reds fans like myself will be at Turner Field slitting our wrists to the thought of Drew Stubbs and Wladimir Balentien on the same team.

After reading the first five paragraphs, you're probably doing one of two things right now: mapquesting directions to Atlanta or googling 'Hot SEC chicks.' Well, stop that and keep reading because the weekend still isn't over.

After 90 percent of the city rolls out of bed at 11 am Sunday smelling like burnt latex and citrus vodka, the fun starts all over.

Adam Rosales and the high-powered Reds take the field once again at 1:30 p.m. Do you think I can do it? Sit through three Reds games in three days. The way the Reds have played this season, trying to kill myself with a clothes hanger might be less painful.

If the Reds play so poorly that they make me want to drown my cat, my cat just might get to keep all of his nine lives because there is something awesome that will distract me Sunday night: drunk rednecks. Drunk rednecks do so many stupid things that they put everyone in a good mood. Lucky for me, my cat and depressed Reds fans all over Atlanta, Drunk Redneck Revival hits the city Sunday night when NASCAR brings the Pep Boys 500 to town.

Is this even safe? Rednecks, drunk college kids and Reds fans all in the same town on one weekend. Might the city implode on itself, will the record for unintended pregnancies be broken, will the CDC be fighting an AIDS outbreak by Saturday afternoon? Will redneck men even be interested in hot chicks that aren't their daughter? So many questions, and only three days until all the answers are revealed.