Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day: A Single Guy's Christmas

By John Breech

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you might be saying to yourself right now, “Jesus, Breech, have you been doing coke lines with Charlie Sheen again because Christmas already came on Dec. 25, I remember because I hated it; my girlfriend got me a sweater, a pair of socks and a box of slightly used condoms."

OK, so it's true, Christmas already came, but if you think about it, Dec. 25 is the sucky Christmas: family, fruitcakes, caroling -- nobody likes that stuff. Plus no one gets to have sex during the holidays because it's impossible to do it when you're aunt and grandma are sleeping in the bedroom next to you.

So single guys, listen up, because here's the secret: the real Christmas is February 14 – there's no family, fruitcakes or caroling on Valentine's Day. There's only three things: chocolate, flowers and sex: drunk sex, sober sex, ear sex, chocolate flower sex -- it can all be done on the 14th.

Now why can it call be done on the 14th? Because for some reason, on February 14th, all the single girls in the world act like they're on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound, picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

If you've talked to any single girl in the past 10 years, she has probably mortified you with at least eight tails of Valentine’s Day disappointment.

Give a girl a taco and you might get laid.
Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they're basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, a taco or hell, a throat lozenge; just give me something that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (Editor's Note: girls acting like porn stars is a good thing: unless the porn star she wants to act like is one of the females from 2 girls, 1 cup in that case you might want to find another girl)

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but over the last 10 years, Valentine’s Day has turned into the Super Bowl of one-night stands. If 110 million people watched the Super Bowl, twice that many times three will be having sex on Valentine's Day, you do the math. Did you do the math? Because here's another number: 80 percent of the people having sex on Valentine's Day are single girls. Sure the numbers don't add up, but they will once you find a drunk girl at the bar on the 14th.

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me or look like Mort Goldman, well let me assure you, you guys can get laid too.

If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything.
Not being related to John Candy can get you
 laid on Valentine's Day

I once told a girl that I was related to John Candy, the conversation went like this:

ME: You know, I'm related to John Candy.

HER: Oh my god, I want to do him so bad.

ME: Umm, he's dead.

HER: Really? Oh well, I've never heard of him anyway, let's get naked.

Four minutes later, we were doing it in a Waffle House bathroom.

Examples of other famous people you can say you're 'related' to are: Hosni Mubarek, Dennis Hopper, Jeffrey Dahmer, Timothy McVeigh -- sure, he's the Oklahoma City bomber -- but if you make it sound cool to be related to him, you're getting laid.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are 98.7 percent. The only way you can blow it is if you get hit by a bus on the way to the bar. Statistics say you getting hit by a bus is not probable. Statistics say that you're getting laid.

Seriously college guys, for you, the math is this simple; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals lots of sex and thousands of unwanted pregnancies. However college guys, please stay away from the 16-year-olds because the last thing this country needs is another season of 16 and pregnant. That show is torture, I would rather have feline AIDS than watch it.

Knowing two Lady Gaga songs is enough to get a
single guy laid on Valentine's Day. 
Oh and you non-college guys, don't get your hopes down. If you’re a male between the ages of 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and know the words to at least two Lady Gaga songs, you’re as good as laid.

If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and can name two characters in the movie "Twilight," you’ll go home with someone hot tonight. Hot single girls like Twilight, it's a fact. They'll probably pretend you're Jacob the whole time you're having sex, but who cares, you're having sex.

Finally, if you’re over 45, good god, you don’t even have to try -- just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you. Although if you do have sex with a 19-year-old make sure she's 19 and not 16 because A. it's illegal B. that whole 16 and pregnant thing again.

Oh and one more thing, if you were born on or around November 14, you are the product of a drunken Valentine's liaison. It's a fact, which means one thing -- your parents are probably celebrating Valentine's Day by having sex and lots of it.

John Breech would like to say hi to his mom. 

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Carson Palmer Goes Brady Quinn/Jay Cutler on Bengals Fans; Getting Ready to Put Indian Hill Residence Up for Sale

(Carson Palmer and his wife Shaelyn [left] are packing their bags and getting ready to leave town)

It looks like Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer is doing something that no self respecting football player has ever done: that being, acting like Brady Quinn and Jay Cutler. Back in October of 2009, Quinn put his Cleveland area house on the market after Derek Anderson was named the Browns starter.

Brady Quinn doesn't have Myspace...
or a starting job in the NFL.
Quinn made it clear he wasn't interested in being a backup (which is ironic because that's exactly what he did in Denver once he got traded there), so he told the Browns to trade him. The Browns told Quinn to F-off, which is a common thing to say to Quinn -- however, the Browns secretly shopped Quinn around, before pulling off the trade of the year: Quinn for Denver Broncos running back Peyton Hillis.

Former Denver quarterback Jay Cutler actually invented the "I'll force a trade by putting my house up for sale" strategy in March 2009, when, you guessed it, he tried to force a trade by putting his house up for sale. The ploy worked, to some extent, when Cutler was traded to the Bears. However, the trade could also be labeled a failure because had he not been traded to the Bears, he never would have played in the NFC Championship game and therefore never would have been labeled "the biggest vagina that ever played in an NFL football game."

So now it looks like Palmer is going the house selling route too.

Earlier this morning, WCPO in Cincinnati reported that Palmer has officially gone Cutler/Quinn on Bengals fans: he's scheduled to put his home up for sale in March. In the story -- by Ch. 9's Dennis Janson -- Janson interviews an Indian Hill real estate agent who spoke with Palmer today. The agent's opinion of the quarterback after talking to Palmer "He's not coming back."

Palmer lives in Indian Hill and ironically enough, his house is less than five miles away from Mike Brown's palace. They probably hang out all the time.

By the way, INSIC is back, so be sure to check in every day or once a week or at least twice a month.