Valentine's Day: A Single Guy's Christmas

By John Breech

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you might be saying to yourself right now, “Jesus, Breech, have you been doing meth hits with homeless people again because Christmas already came on Dec. 25, I remember because I hated it; my girlfriend got me a sweater, a pair of socks and a box of slightly used condoms."

OK, so it's true, Christmas already came, but if you think about it, Dec. 25 is the sucky Christmas: family, fruitcakes, caroling -- nobody likes that stuff. Plus no one gets to have sex during the holidays because it's impossible to do it when you're aunt and grandma are staying in the same house and sleeping in the bedroom next to you.

So single guys, listen up, because here's the secret: the real Christmas is February 14 – there's no family, fruitcakes or caroling on Valentine's Day. There's only three things: chocolate, flowers and sex. And if you're real kinky, there's also chocolate flower sex -- anything can be done on the 14th.

Now why can it all be done on the 14th? 

Because for some reason, on February 14th, all the single girls in the world act like they're on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound. Picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

If you've talked to any single girl in the past 10 years, she has probably mortified you with at least eight stories involving a Valentine’s Day disappointment.

Give a girl a taco and you might get laid.

Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they're basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, a taco or hell, an animal cracker will do; just give me something that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (Editor's Note: girls acting like porn stars is a good thing: unless the porn star she wants to act like is one of the females from 2 girls, 1 cup. In that case you might want to find another girl)

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but over the last 10 years, Valentine’s Day has turned into the Super Bowl of one-night stands. If 110 million people watched the Super Bowl, twice that many times three will be having sex on Valentine's Day, you do the math. Did you do the math? Because here's another number: 80 percent of the people having sex on Valentine's Day are single girls. Sure the numbers don't add up, but they will once you find a drunk girl at the bar on the 14^th.

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me or look like a fatter, less attractive version of Peter Griffin, well let me assure you, you guys can get laid too.

If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything.

Not being related to John Candy can get you

 laid on Valentine's Day

I once told a girl that I was related to John Candy, the conversation went like this:

ME: You know, I'm related to John Candy.

HER: Oh my god, I want to do him so bad.

ME: Umm, he's dead.

HER: Really? Oh well, I've never heard of him anyway, let's get naked.

Four minutes later, we were doing it in the salsa aisle at a nearby supermarket.

Examples of other famous dead/non-existent people you can say you're 'related' to are: A.C. Slater, Dennis Hopper, anyone from the Full House cast or even Timothy McVeigh -- sure, he's the Oklahoma City bomber -- but if you make it sound cool to be related to him, you're getting laid.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are 98.7 percent. The only way you can blow it is if you get hit by a bus on the way to the bar. Statistics say you getting hit by a bus is not probable. Statistics say that you're getting laid.

Seriously college guys, for you, the math is this simple; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals lots of sex and thousands of unwanted pregnancies. However college guys, please stay away from the 16-year-olds because the last thing this country needs is another season of 16 and pregnant. That show is torture, I would rather contract feline AIDS from a feral cat than watch it.

Oh and you non-college guys, don't get your hopes down. If you’re a male between the ages of 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and know all the words to "Sexy and I know it" by LMFAO, you're as good as laid. 

If you know who Jacob from Twilight is, you're as good as
laid on Valentine's Day.

If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and can name two characters in the movie "Twilight," you’ll go home with someone hot tonight. 

Hot single girls like Twilight, it's a fact. They'll probably pretend you're Jacob the whole time you're having sex, but who cares, you're having sex.

Finally, if you’re over 45, good god, you don’t even have to try -- just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you. Although if you do have sex with a 19-year-old make sure she's 19 and not 16 because A. it's illegal B. that whole 16 and pregnant thing again.

Oh and one more thing, if you were born on or around November 14, you are the product of a drunken Valentine's liaison. It's a fact, which means one thing -- your parents are probably celebrating Valentine's Day by having sex and lots of it.

John Breech would like to say hi to his mom. 

2012 NFL Wildcard Weekend Pressing Questions: Will the Bengals Win? If they do, Will the World Implode?

What do Kim and Kris have to do with the Bengals? We don't know either.

It's been 106.4 Kim Kardashian marriages since the Bengals last won a playoff game.

To comprehend how long that is, you'd need to know how long Kim Kardashian was married.

If you don't know how long Kim Kardashian was married, ask your wife. If she doesn't know, ask a  high school junior. If you don't know a high school junior, buy an US Weekly. If you can't afford an US Weekly, go to a New Jersey Nets game the next time they're in town and ask Kris Humphries. If the Nets aren't coming to your town, Google it.

But Google it last. I want to see everyone go through the above effort because we're getting lazy as a society.

Anyway, lets go straight to the picks.


Saturday


Cincinnati at Houston: Because Saturday's playoff game is being played indoors, the Bengals did the logical thing this week and practiced outdoors -- in 22 degree weather -- and their quarterback had the flu.

But lets not use logic to make this pick, lets use facts:

The Undefeated Factor

1. The Bengals are undefeated against Houston in playoff games. Sure, they've only played once. Sure it was in 1991 and sure Justin Bieber wasn't alive when it happened, but it still counts, whether Bieber was alive or not.

"Marty, two redheaded QB's on the same field: Great Scott."

The Redhead Factor

2. In Back to the Future II, Doc Brown theorized that if two red-headed quarterbacks were on the field at the same time in an NFL football game, the Space time-continuum would collapse on itself.

Texans 3rd string QB Jeff Garcia is a redhead, which means we're exactly two injured Houston quarterbacks from the end of the world. Somehow, I think this works in the Bengals favor.

The Non-Factor Factor Factor

3. If there are any mathematicians reading: can you confirm that the law of averages is a real law? Because if it is, then the Bengals have to win.

Their wide receiver is being investigated for having a marijuana farm delivered to his front door. Their starting running back spent the first two nights of the season in jail. They haven't won a playoff game in 7,659 days. If the law of averages exists, then something eventually has to go right, RIGHT? (And yes, this entire season went right, but lets not count that).

The INSIC quick pick: Bengals 23-20 over Houston. 


Detroit at New Orleans: I saw a kid in Target's parking lot last week smoking marijuana. He was also eating cheetos. He was also wearing a Saints hat. He also offered me a hit. So basically, yes, I'm picking the Saints based on the fandom of a high school kid in a Target parking lot who offered me a hit of marijuana.

Saints 41-31 over Detroit.


Sunday


Atlanta at New York Giants: I like the Falcons a lot. I really do. I lived in Atlanta for three years, I have a lot of homeless friends there and several friends with homes. Its a great city.

But lets be honest, watching the Falcons play outdoors is like going to Planned Parenthood on a Saturday morning and looking at the morning after pill line: there's panic on everybody's face.

In the last four years, the Falcons have played 41 indoor games and 23 outdoor games. The numbers suggest the Falcons should have more losses indoors because they've played more games, but the numbers are wrong. Atlanta is 12-11 outdoors and 31-10 indoors. Advantage: Giants.

Long story short, the morning after pill fails and the Falcons lose to the Giants 27-24.

Is there a Pope sex tape?

Pittsburgh at Denver: If you would've asked me in week 1 what was more likely to happen this season: Tim Tebow leading the Broncos to the playoffs or a sex tape being released of the Pope having a threesome with two of the Hanson brothers, I would've said, "there's no way Tebow's making the playoffs."

So here we are on Wildcard weekend and Tebow's in the playoffs  and thank God, there's no Pope sex tape, which is good, because really, no one wants to see any of the Hanson brothers naked.

If this game were being played on Saturday, I'd take the Broncos, but its being played on Sunday and as everyone knows, God rests on the sabbath, so Tebow's on his own. Steelers 17-10 over Denver. 


How much does INSIC know about football, here's an exact quote from our Bengals preview: With an early season schedule that's easier than a drunk Deena, the Bengals could top out at 9-7 this season.


Week 17
ATS: 10-6 
Straight up: 13-3


Final Regular Season Tally
ATS: 147-109
SU: 182-74

Justin Bieber says: Baby's not mine, Bengals in a Blowout, Buy my Christmas Album

Justin Bieber says call your bookie and bet Bengals.

Because pop culture is my second favorite thing to write about, we need to make one thing clear right now: there is no way Justin Bieber fathered a kid with that 20-year-old California girl.

How do I know this?

Because Bieber is either A. a virgin or B. gay and as far as I know, both of those things would preclude him from impregnating a girl.

In case this picture isn't clear enough, Peter King thinks
the Bengals are going to lose Sunday. 

OK, so how does this relate to the Bengals? Like this. Vegas, Peter King and all the talking heads on ESPN seem to think the Bengals are going to lose tomorrow. Well, they're not going too.

How do I know this?

Because the Bengals A. do not suck and B. are awesome and as far as I know, either one of those things would preclude the Bengals from losing.

The Bengals-Titans game on Sunday has Bengals-Bears 2009 written all over it.

The 3-2 Bears were playing the 4-2 Bengals in Cincinnati and the BEARS were favored.

The Bengals wins were far more impressive --Steelers, Ravens, Packers were three of the four -- plus, the Bears had Jay Cutler at quarterback and as most football fans know: Jay Cutler sucks. They could play football for 8 billion more years, Jay Cutler could be immortal and live all 8 billion of those years and play a trillion more football games and he'd still suck.

Long story short: Bengals won 45-10. 

Matt Hasselbeck also kind of isn't good. Sure Hasselbeck's been to a Super Bowl and sure he beat the Saints in the playoffs last season, but lets be honest, if someone was holding a gun to your head and you had to pick a QB to start a game with your life on the line, Hasselbeck would be like the 56th choice. There's college QB's you'd pick before Hasselbeck.

Anyway, if you're bored, read all my picks, if you're in a hurry, skip to the bottom for my Bengals prediction.

Week 9 Picks

Kansas City at Miami: I'd rather staple a raw steak to my genitalia and be put in a cage with a hungry lion than have to watch this game. On a completely unrelated  note, if you drafted a fantasy team this season that includes Matt Cassel, Jackie Battle or any Miami Dolphins player, you should think about joining a fantasy chess league because you suck at fantasy football. Chiefs 17-10 over the Dolphins. 

Atlanta at Indianapolis: If you're a girl reading this, you probably know a guy or two that performs better in bed when their drunk. The Falcons are the drunk sex guys of the NFL. They only play perform well in domes.  Last time I checked, Indianapolis is in a dome. Falcons fans will probably have lots of drunk sex after Atlanta bashes Indy 31-17. 

Tampa Bay at New Orleans: Two weeks ago, the Saints bitch slapped the Colts 62-7. It was uglier than the last 3 years of Lindsay Lohan's movie career. After the 55-point win, the Saints promptly went out and lost to the Rams. THE RAMS. This would be like a boxer beating Mike Tyson in his prime and then losing to a blind baby the next week. Unimaginable. That being said, I see the Saints overcoming their loss to the blind babies and rebounding with a 31-24 win.

Anchor Bar is the only form of entertainment in Buffalo.

N.Y. Jets at Buffalo: Every time I watch a game that's in Buffalo, I feel sorry for the fans and that's mostly because they live in Buffalo. I went there once, asked someone for something cool to do and they said go to the Anchor Bar because that's where Buffalo wings were invented. If going to a wing bar is the coolest thing to do in your city, then YOUR CITY SUCKS. Now I'm pissed at Buffalo, so I'm picking the Jets 24-20. 

Seattle at Dallas: Two weeks ago, the Cowboys beat the Rams 34-7. Last week they lost to the Eagles 34-7. I'm not a big pattern person, but I see a pattern there. Cowboys 34-7. 

Cleveland at Houston: Generally, I pick the Browns to lose every game they play in. This strategy has me at 4-3 picking their games. I see no reason to stop now. Texans 30-14 over Cleveland. 

San Francisco at Washington: The Redskins season is falling apart faster than Herman Cain's presidential bid. West Coast teams don't usually win 10 a.m. PT games, but the 49ers have already done it twice this season. One more can't hurt. San Francisco 20-13 over the Redskins.

Denver at Oakland: There's a 50 percent chance that Tim Tebow will not be the worst quarterback in this game. The over/under on Carson Palmer pick six's is 1.5. Don't go under. Its a trap bet. The Broncos score on three pick six's but still manage to lose 31-21. 


N.Y. Giants at New England: Reasons I can't pick the Giants: A. David Tyree is not playing in this game. B. Tom Brady is 312-0 at home and 464-2 after a loss. I'll take the Patriots 34-27. 

Do man-eating rhinos exist?

St. Louis at Arizona: Scroll back to the top. Read what I wrote about the Kansas City-Miami game. However, instead of raw steak, use AIDS and instead of hungry lion, use man-eating rhinoceros. On that note, I think the "Suck for Luck" campaign is over for the Rams because they're going to make it two in a row with a 27-17 win.

Green Bay at San Diego: Picking who's going to win between Aaron Rodgers and Philip Rivers is like trying to decide who's going to win best actress at the Academy Awards between Meryl Streep and Lindsay Lohan. Only Lohan wasn't nominated and she's in jail. That probably doesn't make sense, but my pick will, Packers 38-31 over the Chargers. 

Baltimore at Pittsburgh: I don't care who wins this game, as long as 19 Steelers starters get hurt and can't play next week against the Bengals. That's right. I'm cheering for injuries. Oh, and the refs. I'm cheering for them too. And world peace. But mostly injuries. Steelers 20-17 over Baltimore. 

Chicago at Philadelphia: The Bears don't have a win on the road this year. They're going on the road. I think you know where I'm going with this. By the way, don't try and tell me the Bears do have a road win and it was in England. Because here's what I say to that: nothing that happens in England counts for anything. If you lost your virginity in England, you're still a virgin. If you kill someone in England, they were English, so they probably deserved it. Also, I will not be watching the summer Olympics. Eagles 31-24 over the Bears. 

What's bigger: Kim's butt or Kim's boobs?
What's longer:  Kim's marriage or the Bengals winning streak?
As always, INSIC asks the tough questions. 

Cincinnati at Tennessee: The Bengals win streak is now over half as long as Kim Kardshian's marriage was. Maybe its just me and maybe its just because I watch E! 14 hours a day, but I'm impressed by that stat.

You want more positive statistics? How about this: The last time the Bengals had a 5-game winning streak: 1988. The last time the Bengals went to the Super Bowl: the 1988 season. I say the Carrot Top Cannon comes out on fire and the Bengals win 34-17. 

Week 8 Picks

Straight-up: 10-3

SU Overall: 84-32

Against the Spread: 6-7

ATS Overall: 64-52

Exact Week 8 Picks: 0

Exact Picks Overall: 2

Carson Palmer Traded to Raiders plus Bengals Fans Rejoice and is Mike Brown the new Thomas Jefferson?

Carson Palmer's fake smile is Oakland's problem now.

The only way Tuesday could have been better for Bengals fans is if Mike Brown would have fired himself.

Brown's incredibly crazy, stubborn strategy of holding on to Carson Palmer paid off in a huge way Tuesday morning when the Raiders gave the Bengals a 2012 first round pick and 2013 second round pick for the much maligned quarterback. The 2013 pick becomes a first round pick if the Raiders make the AFC Championship game in 2011 or 2012.

Is Mike Brown the new
Danny Ocean? INSIC
says yes.

I haven't seen a heist like this since the third time I saw Ocean's 11. And the fact that it was masterminded by Mike Brown makes it even harder to believe.

But lets be honest, Brown didn't exactly mastermind this, it fell into his lap. This would be like dumping your girlfriend and then going to Costco and having a 3-some with two of the cashiers there who also happen to be lingerie models.


Three thoughts from the biggest in-season trade in NFL history.

THOUGHT ONE

I'm going to compare Mike Brown to Thomas Jefferson. I completely understand the shocking nature of the prior sentence, if you aren't prepared for the comparison, please feel free to skip to the next thought. Also feel free to punch me in the face next time you see me.

The Palmer-to-Raiders trade is the Louisiana Purchase of NFL deals.

For you non-history buffs or people who are too drunk right now to remember anything from sixth grade, here's the Louisiana Purchase in a nut shell: Napoleon was dealing with all sorts of crap in Europe and he needed money really, really, really, really bad (Kind of like the Raiders needed a quarterback really, really, really, really bad).

Napoleon was so desperate that he was willing to do anything non-sexual for money. He called up his boy Thomas Jefferson and offered the Louisiana Territory at a below market price.

Sidebar: The Louisiana Territory is made up of a bunch of great plains states that no one likes to visit, but it doubled the size of the country.

Better deal: Louisiana Purchase, getting two first round picks
for Carson Palmer or paying $5 to get to second base with a bear.

Long story short: Jefferson had all the leverage (Mike Brown had all the leverage in the Palmer trade) and T. Jeff ended up paying 3 CENTS a square mile for the Louisiana Territory.

Napoleon got what he wanted ($15 million), Jefferson got what he wanted -- he took advantage of Napoleon like a guy takes advantage of a drunk girl who's on her first rebound date after being dumped -- and everyone was happy.

Mike Brown got what he wanted -- two first round picks. And lets not kid ourselves, the Raiders probably threw in a Kroger Plus card.

The Raiders got what they wanted -- a starting quarterback. Everyone went home happy.

THOUGHT TWO

Mike Brown doesn't make this deal under the old collective bargaining agreement (CBA).

If you bore easily, skip the next five paragraphs.

The NFL lockout was because of the old CBA. Prior to 2009, contracts for first round picks were gigantic, for instance, Matthew Stafford, the 2009 first round pick, signed for 6-years, $72 million with $41.7 million of that guaranteed.

Mike Brown is the stingiest person in the world. Its common knowledge that he hangs around homeless people and asks them for change. Mike Brown doesn't want to give $41.7 million to anyone.

Under the new CBA, he doesn't have too. Cam Newton, the first pick of the 2011 draft, only signed for $22 million guaranteed. That's $20 million less than Stafford got. You know what that means. It means Brown can afford two 2012 first round picks for the price of one 2009 first round pick. The Bengals also save about $40 million in contract money by getting rid of Palmer.

Bottom line: Mike Brown is still a cheap skate. If there were no NFL lockout he wouldn't have made this deal. Wasting money on first round picks is why he turned down the Redskins offer for Ochocinco in 2008 and why he turned down the Saints offer for Ricky Williams in the 1998 draft.

Quick refresher: in 1998, the Saints were going to pretty much give the Bengals all of their picks just so they could move up in the draft and take Ricky Williams. Because Mike Brown has the football acumen of a hairless cat, he passed up the offer.

THOUGHT THREE

Carson's only friend left in
Cincinnati is this guy.

Carson Palmer is going to kick ass in Oakland. This one's obvious right?

All Bengals fans know how Bengals karma works. A player leaves the team only to find incredible success somewhere else.

Exhibit A: Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Exhibit B: Everyone that's ever played for the Bengals and gone onto to play for another team.**

**This does not apply to Shayne Graham. There can only be one productive red-head in the league at a time. Luckily for Bengals fans, its Andy Dalton right now.

Anyway, using this logic, we can ascertain that Palmer will win 11 Super Bowls, four MVP awards and the Powerball lottery while he's playing for the Raiders.

Oh and look for Carson Palmer to start Sunday against the Chiefs because God knows Kyle Boller isn't going too.

Bengals-Colts Pick, plus Absolutely Nothing Else

Week 6 picks were put up late, here's proof they were finished on time.

by john breech

(Editor's note: the INSIC internet connection was down this weekend, for the sake of continuity, we're publishing our picks from week 6)

There was one email in the INSIC inbox this week, which is one more than there was last month. It said something about "blah, blah, blah, please explain the picks you make each week and stop with the power rankings, no one cares about power rankings that don't make sense."

First of all, they do make sense. Second of all, they kind of don't. So with that in mind. We're going all game picks this week.


Week 6 Picks


Indianapolis at Cincinnati: If you would have told me last April that the starting quarterbacks in this game would be Andy Dalton and Curtis Painter. I would have punched you in the face, set your car on fire and then stolen your shoes. Curtis Painter is going to get punched in the face today by the Bengals defense. Bengals 24-17. 

Cleveland at Oakland: The Raiders are planning some sort of wild celebration/funeral for the game Sunday. You have to figure they can milk at least three victories out of Al Davis' death. By the way, Raiders fans are so crazy that no one should be surprised if riots break out in Oakland if the Raiders win this game. Let the riots start, Raiders 28-20 over the Browns.

San Francisco at Detroit: When I can't decide who to pick in a game, I generally go with the team that Alex Smith doesn't play for. Lions 27-20 over San Francisco. 

Carolina at Atlanta: The formula for picking Panthers games is pretty simple this season: Cam Newton will throw for 900 yards and Carolina will lose. So I'll say Newton throws for 900 yards and Carolina loses 31-28. 


St. Louis at Green Bay: If the Packers lose this game, I will do one of two things: I will cut Aaron Rodgers from my fantasy team and get made fun of by everyone in my league or I will cut the big toe off of my left foot. Please vote in the comments section which you would like to see, but only if the Packers lose. Green Bay 34-17 over St. Louis.

Is Homeless to Harvard actually
the Ryan Fitzpatrick story?

Buffalo at New York Giants: Three years ago I got drunk and watched a movie on Lifetime called "Homeless to Harvard." Its about some homeless girl who eventually goes to Harvard. I also feel like its Ryan Fitzpatrick's life story, so I'm picking the Bills. Buffalo 27-24 over the Giants.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh: When it comes to picking NFL games, I have three rules: never pick the Steelers, never bet on Blaine Gabbert and always take the Steelers at home against a team quarterbacked by Blaine Gabbert. I think some these rules contradict each other, so I'm just going to take the Steelers 31-21. 


Philadelphia at Washington: If the Eagles lose this game THEIR SEASON IS OVER. Andy Reid only loses important games at the end of the season, which means the Eagles win this one 30-27.


Houston at Baltimore: Unfortunately for Houston, they only do two things in Maryland: crab cakes and football. Ravens 27-21 over the Texans.

Dallas at New England: Tony Romo in a big game is like letting an anorexic loose in an all-you-can eat buffet. Its not going to be pretty. Patriots over the Cowboys 34-24. 


New Orleans at Tampa Bay: Drew Brees to Jimmy Graham is the new Montana to Rice. I'll take the Saints 30-24.

The Dolphins have to be the frontrunners
in the "Suck for Luck" campaign.

Minnesota at Chicago: Chicago is a decent team and decent teams don't get embarrassed on national television two weeks in a row. Using my horrible logic, this means since the Bears lost last week, they can't lose this week. Bears 24-17 over the Vikings.

Miami Dolphins at New York Jets: Hey Miami, its called "Suck for Luck," not "Give up in the second quarter and forfeit for Luck." So anyway, I think the Dolphins give up in the second quarter and forfeit. I'll take the Jets 27-14. 


Week 5 Picks

Straight-up: 9-4

SU Overall: 55-22

Against the Spread: 8-5

ATS Overall: 43-34

Exact Week 5 Picks: 0

Exact Picks Overall: 2

Bengals-Jaguars Pick, Plus How Al Davis Indirectly Started INSIC

"Al, I am your father."

Since Al Davis died Saturday, it only makes sense to start today's post off with a quick Al Davis story.

Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati founder John Breech is the son of former Bengals kicker and all around bad ass Jim Breech. Unbeknownst to many Bengals fans, Jim was drafted by the Detroit Lions in 1978. Yup, that's right, the Lions.

Jim Breech played for the Raiders?

Anyway, the Lions cut Breech in '78 and he was left without a job. For one year, Breech was out of the NFL, it looked like he was going to spend the rest of his life making homemade diapers for a living.

That is until 1979 when Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders called. Breech went to training camp in '79, won the kicking job, and then ended up in the NFL for 13 more years.

"He gave me the opportunity [to play] in Oakland," Breech said of Davis. "If he hadn't, I might have never kicked in the league."

So props to you Al Davis for taking a chance on a 5-foot-6, 155 pound smurf from the University of California at Berkeley.

OK, enough Al Davis talk, lets get to the power rankings that aren't really power rankings.

INSIC's Weekly Power Rankings that have Nothing to do with Power

We explained how our power rankings work two weeks ago, if you need a refresher, click here.

AFC

1. New England Patriots (3-1): Wes Welker is on pace to have 13 million catches for 9 billion yards this season. If the team you're playing in fantasy this week has Welker, you should probably just forfeit.


2. San Diego Chargers (3-1):  The chances of San Diego losing to Denver Sunday are negative 4 percent.

3. Baltimore Ravens (3-1): Due to the Ravens bye, there is no way the Bengals can be in first place after tomorrow. We don't want to live a world where the Bengals can't be in first place. The NFL should either eliminate byes or make the Ravens play 17 games.

4. Houston Texans (3-1): On a normal Sunday, Raiders-Texans would rank behind Never Ending Story II on a list of things exciting to watch. Al Davis passing away though makes this a must watch game.

Could the Bengals win an all "C" division?

5. Tennessee Titans (3-1): Would you rather be red headed or bald? That needs to be a post game question for Matt Hasselbeck.


6. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2): If there were an all "C" division in the NFL (Cincinnati, Cleveland, Chicago, Carolina), the Bengals would be tied for first. We really wish there were an all "C" division in the NFL.

NFC

1. Green Bay Packers (4-0): The Packers should just get a bye to the Super Bowl.

2. New Orleans Saints (3-1): Drew Brees and Cam Newton might combine to throw for 3,000 yards Sunday.

3. New York Giants (3-1): Someone at Grantland.com said that of all of the QB's in the NFL, Eli Manning is the best husband material. Someone at Grantland.com is sticking heroin needles in places they shouldn't stick heroin needles.


4. San Francisco 49ers (3-1): Alex Smith is starting to look like Joe Montana, except not at all.

5. Detroit Lions (4-0): Talk about getting ripped off. The Lions are on Monday Night Football for the first time in 97 years this week and they don't even get the Monday Night Football song. If there's no song, its not really Monday Night Football.



6. Washington Redskins (3-1): The PC police want the Redskins to change their name. If they went with the Foreskins, would that be more or less offensive? 

Week 4 Picks
Straight-up: 12-4
SU Overall: 46-18
Against the Spread: 11-5
ATS Overall: 35-29
Exact Week 2 Picks: 0
Exact Picks Overall: 2

Week 5 Picks
Cincinnati 20-13 over Jacksonville
Philadelphia 27-21 over Buffalo
Tennessee 24-20 over Pittsburgh
N.Y. Giants 31-17 over Seattle
New Orleans 38-27 over Carolina
Houston 27-20 over Oakland
Kansas City 24-21 over Indianapolis
Minnesota 31-24 over Arizona
San Francisco 20-14 over Tampa Bay
New England 34-27 over N.Y. Jets
San Diego 31-20 over Denver
Green Bay 38-31 over Atlanta
Detroit 27-20 over Chicago

INSIC's Bengals-49ers Pick, Plus How the Week Could Have Been Worse for the Bengals

Worst week ever? Obviously you weren't a Bengals fan in 1989.

If you're a Bengals fan, then you probably realize that this week has been straight out of a Stephen King novel, that is, if Stephen King wrote sports novels about illegal marijuana deliveries.

As bad as this week has been though, please keep in mind that it could have been worse... and we'll tell you why.

Lets review:

Monday: the Bengals announce that Jordan Shipley has a torn ACL and will miss the rest of the season.

Shipley's lucky he's not a gopher.

But it could have been worse, the Bengals could have announced that Shipley has a flesh eating virus that turns you into a gopher and causes AIDS. They didn't though. They announced it was only a torn ACL. ONLY a torn ACL.

Tuesday: Authorities track a 2.5 pound shipment of high-grade marijuana to Jerome Simpson's house. Simpson is now under investigation and because of that, he missed practice on Thursday and Friday. Based on the situation, Simpson might also miss Sunday's game against the 49ers, along with every Bengals game for the next 2-4 years.

But it could have been worse, Simpson could have had a dump truck full of cocaine delivered to a Cincinnati area foster home and then forced the poor foster children to do coke lines at gun point. Not only would have this been worse, it would have been 11 times more illegal than having 2.5 pounds of high-grade marijuana delivered to your house.

Thursday: Mike Silver from Yahoo! sports reports that the NFL has suspended Cedric Benson for three games. Silver says Benson will be allowed to play Sunday against the 49ers and will have the chance to appeal the suspension on Tuesday. Of course, it could have been worse, Benson could have shot himself in the leg at a nightclub.

INSIC's Weekly Power Rankings that have Nothing to do with Power

We explained how our power rankings work last week, if you need a refresher, click here.

AFC

1. New England (2-0): Do you think Ochocinco finds irony in the fact that the Jerome Simpson marijuana investigation involves ocho point cinco ounces of pot? He has too. Right?

2. San Diego (1-1): In week one, Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding tore his ACL on the first play of the game. This week against the Chiefs, every player on San Diego's roster could tear their ACL on the first play of the game and the Chargers would still win.

3. Baltimore (1-1): Last Sunday, the Ravens defense got torched like a stunt double in Backdraft. Matt Hasselbeck threw for over 300 yards and Tennessee rolled. The Ravens defense will be mad Sunday against the Rams, which means there's a very good chance that at least 12 Rams players will suffer season ending injuries this weekend.

4. Houston (2-0): If the Texans are good at anything, its completely collapsing after a 2-0 start. In 2007, the Texans started 2-0, only to lose five of their next six. In 2010, the Texans started 2-0, only to lose six of their next eight. This year, the Texans are 2-0 and oh, lets look at their next four games: Saints, Raiders, Steelers, Ravens. Best case scenario there: 1-3.

Harvard QB's are undefeated this season.

5. Buffalo (2-0): The Bills and their Harvard quarterback came back from down 21-3 Sunday to beat the Raiders, that's the surprising part. The non-surprising part, Ryan Fitzpatrick divided the Quadratic Equation by the Pythagorean Theorem and then multiplied it by Murphy's Law to figure out the velocity he needed to throw the ball for the winning touchdown. Its OK to hate Harvard and anyone that's ever gone there.

6. Cincinnati (1-1): After two weeks, the Bengals are tied for first in the AFC North, which is three places higher than where most people thought they would be.

NFC

1.  Green Bay Packer (2-0): If the Packers were in the NFC West, they would have already clinched a playoff berth... and its only been two weeks.

2. New Orleans (1-1): The Saints play the Houston Texans this week and here's an interesting stat for you: since entering the league in 2002, the Texans are 1-8 in week three. What we're trying to say here, is that basically, New Orleans has a bye this week.

3. Philadelphia (1-1): There were reports that Michael Vick was coughing up blood at halftime of Sunday's game against the Falcons. Now, no one here at INSIC has a medical degree, but we saw a squirrel coughing up blood once and it died the next day. So someone should probably keep an eye on Vick. 

Why isn't there an all-bird division in the NFL?
INSIC asks the tough questions.

4. San Francisco 49ers (1-1): Due to the general suckiness of the NFC West, a record of 5-11 is going to win it this season. This works out well for the 49ers because they only have four winnable games left on their schedule and no, one of them is not the Bengals.


5. Atlanta Falcons (1-1): If there was a bird division in the NFL (Falcons, Cardinals, Seahawks, Eagles), the Falcons would win it this year. Unfortunately for Atlanta, the NFL doesn't let 6-year-olds pick the divisions, so they're going to have to get past New Orleans if they want to win the NFC South.


6. Detroit Lions (2-0): As a city, Detroit really has nothing going for it. They have a high murder rate, no economy to speak of and nine out of every 10 people there are unemployed. Detroit's really like a combination of Cleveland and a state prison. These people need the Lions. Everyone cheer for the Lions.

Week 3 Picks

In week one, we threw a bunch of cats off of a tall building to make our picks. We went 10-6. Last week we used the slightly more animal friendly strategy of picking the team that sucks less. We went 14-2.

INSIC will be using the Toys R Us strategy for making picks this week.

This week, we're going the Jerome Simpson route. We're going to hot box a Toys 'R' Us bathroom and then ask the cop who eventually arrests us who he thinks is going to win. Got it. Good.

Week 2 Picks
Straight-up: 14-2
SU Overall: 24-8
Against the Spread: 9-7
ATS Overall: 19-13
Exact Week 2 Picks: 1 (We picked Atlanta over Philly 35-31, Atlanta beat Philly 35-31).
Exact Picks Overall: 2

Week 3 Picks
Cincinnati 24-20 over San Francisco
Philadelphia 31-24 over N.Y. Giants
New Orleans 38-31 over Houston
Carolina 27-17 over Jacksonville
New England 38-34 over Buffalo
Cleveland 24-17 over Miami
Tennessee 27-20 over Denver
Detroit 31-20 over Minnesota
Baltimore 35-24 over St. Louis
N.Y. Jets 24-13 over Oakland
San Diego 34-17 over Kansas City
Seattle 20-17 over Arizona
Atlanta 34-28 over Tampa Bay
Pittsburgh 31-13 over Indianapolis
Chicago 24-20 over Green Bay
Dallas 28-20 over Washington