Monday, June 3, 2013

Cris Collinsworth's son had a better high school graduation party than you

Cris Collinsworth is the new Jay Gatsby.
After a four month hiatus, INSIC is back to do what we do best: write about high school kids' graduation parties. In this case, the kid is Jac Collinsworth, the son of former Bengals wide receiver and current NBC Sunday Night Football announcer Cris Collinsworth.   

So what kind of graduation party did Jac Collinsworth get? 

Imagine House Party 4, an episode of 'My Super Sweet 16' and the Great Gatsby all rolled into one. Then combine that imaginary party with the plot of Can't Hardly Wait and you might have an idea of what the party Cris Collinsworth threw for his son on Saturday was like. 

First, it's probably worth mentioning there was live music there. Michael Ray -- a country music singer based in Nashville -- gave a concert. We have no idea who Michael Ray is, but he has over 15,000 'likes' on Facebook, so someone's heard of him. 

Second, it's definitely worth mentioning that there was an ice cream sandwich lady, who's sole purpose was to walk around and offer people ice cream sandwiches. Because of course there was. Seriously though, this is really taking party planning to a new level and someone should be commended for this brilliant idea. A lady handing out dippin' dots probably would have been better, but dippin' dots are hard to attain because the company filed for bankruptcy. What did you EXPECT Dippin' Dots management? You're the ice cream of the FUTURE and now is not the future, it's the present. Your dumb idea was doomed from the start.

Forget Dippin' Dots for a second though because there were glow sticks at the party. Lots of them.

Finally, we'll point out that the party was apparently in a giant tent. So basically, it was like combining a wedding, a circus and a belligerent camping trip. Here's a picture from inside the 'tent' during the Michael Ray concert. Cris Collinsworth should probably be in charge of planning all graduation parties for the rest of time.
The next time you're going to bash Cris Collinsworth because you don't like his announcing, keep in mind that he's the Jay Gatsby of our generation. By the way, the party was so amazing, the smart kids were already thinking about the next one.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine's Day: A Single Guy's Christmas

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you might be saying to yourself right now, “Jesus, Breech, have you been doing meth hits with homeless people again because Christmas already came on Dec. 25, I remember because I hated it; my girlfriend got me a Miley Cyrus poster, a pair of socks and a home pregnancy kit that I think she had already opened and used."

OK, so it's true, Christmas already came, but if you think about it, Dec. 25 is the no fun Christmas: family, fruitcakes, caroling -- nobody likes that stuff. Plus no one gets to have sex during the holidays because it's impossible to do it when you're aunt and grandma are staying in the same house and sleeping in the bedroom next to you.

So single guys, listen up, because here's the secret: the real Christmas is February 14 – there's no family, fruitcakes or caroling on Valentine's Day. There's only three things: chocolate, flowers, wine and sex. OK, so that's four things, but that's not important, because as you're about to find out, you don't have to be able to count or read or be able to do anything well to take advantage of single girls on Valentine's Day.

Now why is it so easy to take advantage of single girls on Valentine's Day? 

Because for some reason, on February 14th, all the single girls in the world act like they're on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound. Picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

If you've talked to any single girl in the past 10 years, she has probably mortified you with at least eight stories involving a Valentine’s Day disappointment.

Give a girl a taco and you might get laid.
Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they're basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, a taco or hell, an animal cracker will do; just give me something that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (Editor's Note: girls acting like porn stars is a good thing: unless the porn star she wants to act like is one of the females from 2 girls, 1 cup. That is not a good thing. In that case you might want to find another girl)

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but over the last 10 years, Valentine’s Day has turned into the Super Bowl of one-night stands. If 110 million people watched the Super Bowl, twice that many times three will be having sex on Valentine's Day, you do the math. Did you do the math? Because here's another number: 80 percent of the people having sex on Valentine's Day are single girls. Sure the numbers don't add up, but they will once you find a drunk girl at the bar on the 14th.

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me or look like a fatter, less attractive version of Peter Griffin, well let me assure you, you guys can get laid too.

If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything.
Not being related to John Candy can get you
 laid on Valentine's Day

I once told a girl that I was related to John Candy, the conversation went like this:

ME: You know, I'm related to John Candy.

HER: Oh my god, I want to do him so bad.

ME: Umm, he's dead.

HER: Really? Oh well, I've never heard of him anyway, let's get naked.

Four minutes later, we were doing it in the soup aisle at a nearby supermarket.

Examples of other famous dead/non-existent people you can say you're 'related' to are: A.C. Slater, Dennis Hopper, anyone from the cast of Full House or even Kim Jong Un -- sure, he's the dictator of North Korea and Hopper's dead -- but girls are willing to look past that on Valentine's Day. 

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are 98.7 percent. The only way you can blow it is if you get hit by a bus on the way to the bar. Statistics say you getting hit by a bus is not probable. Statistics say that you're getting laid.

Seriously college guys, for you, the math is this simple; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals lots of sex and thousands of unwanted pregnancies. However college guys, please stay away from the 16-year-olds because the last thing this country needs is another season of 16 and pregnant. Also, it's illegal. In most states. Unfortunately, I don't have a list handy for you. 

If you know who was eliminated from the most recent
episode of the Bachelor, you're as a good as laid on
Valentine's Day (Hint: her name's Kat)
Oh and you non-college guys, don't get your hopes down. If you’re a male between the ages of 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and know all the words to at least one Taylor Swift song, you're as good as laid. 

If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and can name the last two girls that were eliminated from the Bachelor, you’ll go home with someone hot tonight. 

Hot single girls like the Bachelor, it's a fact. They'll probably pretend you're Juan Pablo the whole time you're having sex, but who cares, you're having sex.

Finally, if you’re over 45, good god, you don’t even have to try -- just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you. Although if you do have sex with a 19-year-old make sure she's 19 and not 16 because A. it's even more illegal than it was four paragraphs ago B. that whole 16 and pregnant thing again.

Oh and one more thing, if you were born on or around November 14, you are the product of a drunken Valentine's liaison. It's a fact, which means one thing -- your parents are probably celebrating Valentine's Day by having sex and lots of it.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

NFL Preseason: Tim Tebow versus the Bengals is more important than the Arena Bowl

This was Tim Tebow's haircut the last time he was in
Cincinnati for a preseason game. 

Tim Tebow is the gift that keeps on giving for Cincinnati Bengals fans.

Way back on January 1, on the final week of the NFL regular season, Tebow purposely played a horrible game against Kansas City (6/22, 60 yards, 1 INT) in a 7-3 Broncos loss. The Denver loss propelled the Bengals into the playoffs. Tebow could have used some of his Tebow magic to beat Kansas City, but instead he threw an interception on the Broncos final offensive play of the game, sealing the win for the Chiefs. Praise Tebow. Had the Broncos won, Tennessee would have been in the postseason and the Bengals would have stayed home.

One week later, Bengals fans were depressed after their playoff loss to Houston -- which is weird because you'd think we Bengals fans would be used to playoff losses by now. Anyway, as any Bengals fan knows, the only way Wild Card weekend was going to be salvaged was if the Steelers lost to the Broncos. Cue Tebow. Tebow's 80-yard touchdown pass to Demaryius Thomas on the first play of overtime sent the Broncos to the Divisional round and sent the Steelers home. Praise Tebow.

Now, Bengals fans have another reason to thank Tebow and here's why: the Bengals Aug. 10 preseason opener against the New York Jets is now going to be nationally televised. The NFL Network decided to bump Arena Bowl XXV in favor of Tebow vs. the Bengals. And yes, you read that right, an NFL PRESEASON game is being shown instead of the Arena Bowl, which is the Super Bowl of arena football. We're guessing that had more to do with Tebow than it did with the Bengals. Either way, Cincinnati fans that don't live in Cincinnati can now watch the game.

Oh and if you care about the Arena Bowl, it was set to kickoff at 7 p.m. ET on Aug. 10, the AFL has now moved the game to 10:30 p.m. ET from New Orleans.

You're probably thinking right now, "I didn't know Tebow was so awesome, well I did, but I didn't know he was Bengals awesome."

We would tell you to go to and get a TEBOW Bengals jersey made, but unfortunately, NFLshop won't allow it (trust us, we tried 112 times). However, there is an equally appealing alternative: you can get a Bengals jersey that says JESUS on the back, which is almost the same thing as TEBOW.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Former Bengal Nate Webster gets 12 years in prison for sex with a minor

Nate Webster was sentenced to 12 years
in prison Wednesday.
(Photo from
Having sex is almost always a good idea, unless you're having sex with someone who's underaged. Then it's a bad idea.

Former Bengals linebacker Nate Webster found that out Wednesday when he was sentenced to 12 years in prison after being convicted on four counts of unlawful sexual conduct with a minor.

The original conviction came on April 25, however, Webster wasn't sentenced until today. He was facing up to 20 years in prison for the charges.

Webster took the sentencing hard
(Photo by Glenn Hartong/Cincinnati
Although Webster, 34, played for the Bengals, Buccaneers and Broncos, the "former Bengals player" part of the story is being emphasized because the incident occurred in Cincinnati where Webster currently resides.

The underage girl that Webster had sex with was the daughter of a former Bengals assistant coach. However, neither the girl nor the coach were identified in court as to protect the identity of the girl.

Webster admitted to authorities in 2009 that he had sexual relations with the then-15-year-old girl. However, in 2010, Webster changed his story and said he didn't have sex with the girl until she was 16 -- the age of legal consent in Ohio.

The alleged victim, now 18, said that the encounters began when she agreed to babysit Webster's kids at his home in the summer of 2009.

Before the case went to trial, Webster had been offered a plea deal that would have only required four years in prison, however, he turned it down.

Despite signing a 5-year, $11.3 million contract in 2004, Webster never panned out with the Bengals, he started only three career games during his two seasons with the team.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

RIP Dallas Latos' Twitter Page

Dallas Latos quit Twitter Saturday, but she left us these pictures.
Four days ago, Dallas Latos was inventing Reds drinking games with her Twitter followers, but it looks like she won't be doing that anymore because Dallas doesn't have any Twitter followers: she closed her account.

Latos closed her Twitter account Saturday, presumably sometime around the third inning of the Reds road game against the Astros. That's when Dallas' husband Mat was on the Rodney King end of a 7-run Astros beating. The male Latos was pulled from his start against Houston after only 3.1 innings, he surrendered seven hits and seven runs (four earned) in a game the Reds won 12-9.

Josh Campbell is not a big Dallas Latos fan. If you're not a
fan of Josh Campbell, you can let him know on Twitter.

The problem for Dallas this season has been that when Mat sucks on the mound, Reds fans usually head to Twitter and take it out on her. And then instead of ignoring stuff, Dallas gets defensive.

For example, back on April 18, Mat started against the Cardinals and things didn't go to well. Latos gave up eight earned runs in 5.2 innings of work and the Reds lost 11-1. The division favorite Reds dropped to 4-8 on the season and Mat Latos instantly became the least popular person in Cincinnati.

This guy decided to give Dallas Latos sex advice.

Fans took to Twitter that night and it wasn't pretty. One fan called Mat Latos a bum, another fan told Dallas to not give Mat a blow job that night. Things got so bad, Dallas threatened to close her Twitter account, although she didn't.

Dallas threatened to quit Twitter on April 18.

So it appears that instead of dealing with another round of Mat-bashing Saturday, Dallas decided it would probably just be easier to close up shop.

Dallas doesn't exactly shy away from
Now Dallas does look like the innocent victim here, but that's not completely the case. She seems to enjoy the attention, because if she didn't, why else would she start her own blog on and do national interviews with outlets like CBS Sports.

Dallas is naive if she thought she could get on a public forum like Twitter and assume that everyone was going to be nice to her. Before closing her account Saturday, Latos had several thousand followers on Twitter and had branded herself as a smart, funny follow. In the baseball world, she was known as Mat Latos' wife, but on Twitter, Mat was Dallas Latos' husband.

If Dallas gets back on Twitter, she'll need to do a better job of ignoring Mat's critics. Once the anti-Mat fans realized how thin-skinned Dallas was, they went after her and they went after her hard. And then they sat back and enjoyed her going on the defensive.

Our advice: come back to Twitter Dallas. We actually liked you. Stop Google/Twitter searching your and Mat's names every 30 seconds because when you do that, you're not going to like what you see and you're going to get mad. Instead, keep being funny. Keep tweeting about how the TSA stole your underwear. Keep making up Reds drinking games. Block people if you don't like them. And please keep in mind that five or six times a year, Mat is going to suck on the mound and when he does, people are going to say crappy things. And when they do, you don't have to defend him, you can simply log off Twitter and come read our blog because that's what people do when they're really bored.

Dallas needs to stay relevant so we can
keep posting pictures of her. 

***6/6/12 Update: After scaring us into believing that she would never be on Twitter again, Dallas Latos has returned, exactly 83 hours and 59 minutes after she left. Here's a link to her Twitter account, here's her explanation for leaving***

Friday, June 1, 2012

Aroldis Chapman Hotel Room Robbery Update: Chapman's "Girlfriend" is a Married Stripper

This is what a married Colombian stripper looks like. 
On Wednesday we wrote about a robbery involving Aroldis Chapman's "girlfriend" -- and keep in mind, we're using the term girlfriend as loosely as possible here, actually we're only using it because that's what Pittsburgh media called her in their initial reports. The truth is, depending on you believe, she may be an escort, a stripper or both.

Anyway, according to police reports, Chapman's "girlfriend," Claudia Manrique, was tied up and robbed in a Pittsburgh area hotel Tuesday night. That's the only known fact so far, everything after that is kind of dicey.

Following the robbery, Manrique was interviewed for over 10 hours by Pittsburgh area police. Generally, authorities don't talk to people for over 10 hours unless they think there's something fishy going on. And as you're about to see, this thing is fishier than the plot of Free Willy 3.

After interviewing Manrique, the PPD came to the conclusion that Chapman probably wasn't the target in the robbery and that the target was in fact, Manrique.

During her 10-hour interview, Manrique, who works as a stripper in Baltimore, told authorities that someone posing as a hotel maintenance worker came into her room and then tied her up and robbed her. Well, police aren't exactly buying that according to KDKA in Pittsburgh.

Chapman had a rough month of May, he was
arrested in Ohio two weeks ago. 
Authorities now believe that Manrique knew the suspect and that the suspect was there to collect a debt from Manrique. Which would explain why the suspect only took $5,000 in valuables and didn't take the $200,000 in jewelry that was in Chapman's hotel room.

The suspect is believed to be associated with drug dealers in Baltimore. And of course, as everyone knows, Baltimore is known for three things: crabcakes, football and drug dealers.

Besides the fact that Manrique may have known the suspect, there's also this: Manrique was accused of stealing money from a man in December. Manrique allegedly stole $2,000 from Shahryar Kamouei during a December trip to Las Vegas. Kamouei pressed charges and that case is now pending in Maryland state court.

Wait, that's not all.

When Manrique was released after police questioning Wednesday, she was picked up at the Zone 2 Precinct by her husband, who she may or may not be separated from.

But don't worry, there's an explanation for her having a husband. Manrique, who's originally from Colombia, allegedly told Kamouei that she only got married to get a green card. And let's be honest here: who hasn't done that?

Oh and if you're wondering how Chapman and Manrique met, Chapman says the pair met two months ago in Washington D.C.

OK, that's enough for now, we don't want to overwhelm you on a Friday.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Aroldis Chapman's Girlfriend Gets Robbed and Tied up in Pittsburgh Hotel Room

Aroldis Chapman's hotel room was robbed Tuesday,
however, the suspect did not get away with
Chapman's prized princess backpack.
Aroldis Chapman is having a bizarre month. And because we don't use the word bizarre lightly here at INSIC, here's what we mean: in the last two weeks, Chapman has A. been arrested B. had an $18 million lawsuit filed against him and C. had his hotel room robbed. That's all in two weeks. To put that in perspective, it takes 21.5 weeks for a baby dairy goat to go from conception to birth.

Anyway, lets get back to letter C., the 'hotel room robbed' thing. 

While Chapman was at PNC Park in Pittsburgh Tuesday night -- the Reds were in the middle of an 8-1 win over the Pirates -- a man knocked on Chapman's hotel room door. Of course, Chapman wasn't there, because again, he was at PNC Park. 

According to reports, Chapman's 26-year-old girlfriend answered the door and let the man in. Now why did she let a stranger in you ask? The man claimed to be a maintenance person who was there to fix a broken toilet. 

After entering the room, the fake maintenance man demanded items from Chapman's girlfriend. When she refused, the man tied her up with dinner napkins and proceeded to steal anything he could get his filthy paws on, including: a computer, clothing, some jewelry and a credit card.  

Chapman's girlfriend was eventually freed when fellow hotel guests heard her crying for help.

Pittsburgh police are currently investigating the situation, but if they're as bad at their jobs as the Pirates are, the investigation could take years. 

On a somewhat positive note, Chapman has seemingly been unfazed by the robbery, his arrest and the pending lawsuit: the Cuban missile has given up exactly zero earned runs this season in 26 innings pitched.