Sunday, November 29, 2009

Bengals-Browns: Newest Victory Video Proves That Browns Fans Are Lame and Should Never Date

Are Browns fans pathetic (yes)? Are Bengals fans awesome(yes)? Should a girl Bengals fan ever go on a blind date with a boy Cleveland Browns fan? INSIC's newest Bengals victory video says no.

By the way, a 4-year-old Browns fan filmed this and it appears the 4-year-old cropped out the head of our female Bengals fan.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

UFL Championship: Does DeDe Dorsey's MVP Award Mean Ced Benson is Winning Super Bowl MVP? That's Our Theory

While you were eating Thanksgiving leftovers and heading out to packed malls to 'accidentally' touch women's butts yesterday, guess what former Bengal DeDe Dorsey was doing? If you guessed 'eating turkey at a homeless shelter because he lost everything after the Bengals cut him,' you're wrong.

Mr. Dorsey was in Las Vegas winning the inaugural UFL Championship. Oh and not only did his team win, but Dorsey was named game MVP. Dorsey has now won more professional football championships than the Bengals franchise.

In case you missed the game (and we're assuming you did because only 14,000 people were there and nobody gets Versus), Dorsey rushed for 66 yards on 11 carries, caught four passes for 32 yards and scored two touchdowns as his Las Vegas Locomotives beat the Orlando Tuskers 20-17 in overtime.

The way we see it, why would the Bengals cut a future UFL Championship game MVP unless they have a Super Bowl MVP to replace him. Cedric, the pressure is on.

One last thing, we've never read the UFL rulebook (actually, we've even debated whether or not the UFL even has a rulebook), so we're not sure if they play two-hand touch or tackle in the United Football League. Either way, could someone please explain to us why the Orlando Tuskers (in blue) are lifting Dorsey off the ground. Apparently the UFL got it backwards. Usually when you carry someone off the field, it's someone from your own team (See Ruettiger, Rudy) and you only do it after a win.

By the way, if you looked at the blue Tuskers jerseys below and your first thought was "Jesus, who designed those? Tim Gunn, a Care Bear and Lloyd from Entourage?" We thought that too.

For real though, congrats to DeDe, who was one of the three reasons we watched Hard Knocks.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Bengals-Raiders: Bo Knows It's Been a Horrible Series, But INSIC Dug Up Three Non-Horrible Games

Bengals and Raiders fans, grab a five hour energy drink, your favorite fur coat and an eye patch and get ready to relive the three most exciting games in series history. (Editor's note: Men are only allowed to wear fur coats if they are older than 60, have dementia and/or are near death. Ironically, all three of these describe Raider's owner Al Davis, pictured below).

And when we say get ready to relive the three most exciting games in history, we're slightly exaggerating. These two teams never play in exciting games against each other. It's like watching two blind people play tennis, only less fun. However, after a week of looking, we think we found three fun games.

Fact to Impress Drunk People With: Bengals all-time leading scorer Jim Breech spent 13 of his 14 career NFL seasons in Cincinnati. The one that wasn't in Cincinnati: Breech's rookie year of 1979, which he spent with Oakland.

All-Time Series: Oakland/Los Angeles leads 17-8 in regular season*, 2-0 in the playoffs.

* = will be 17-9 Raiders after Sunday

Lets get to the countdown:

3. Sept. 13, 1992, at Cincinnati

Bengal legends Harold Green and Derek Fenner (pictured) both scored touchdowns in this game, but it almost wasn't enough for the win. A 1-yard touchdown run by Marcus Allen late in the fourth quarter tied the game at 21 and sent it to overtime.

Most teams hate overtime, but not the Bengals because their kicker at the time was Mr. "NFL record for overtime kicks" Jim Breech. Breech nailed a 34-yard field goal in the sudden death period that sent the Bengals and rookie head coach Dave Shula to 2-0. And yes, you read that correctly, Dave Shula started a season 2-0 and it would have been 3-0 if not for this game, involving this person that INSIC wants to do this too.

Result: Bengals 24, Raiders 21

2. Dec. 28, 1975, at Oakland

The Bengals traveled to Oakland in 1975 for only the third playoff game in franchise history. The mighty Raiders had gone 12-2 in the regular season, but Bengals fans had high hopes for the game. Why? Because one of the Raider's two losses came at the hands of Cincinnati. Not to mention, the Bengals themselves had finished the regular season with the highest winning percentage in team history (11-3, .783).

Unfortunately for Cincinnati, for three quarters, the Bengals looked a lot like the 2009 Cleveland Browns. Early in the fourth quarter, Cincinnati found themselves trailing 31-14. Game over? Not so fast my friend.

Ken Anderson threw fourth quarter touchdown passes to Issac Curtis and Charlie Joiner to cut the Raider lead to 31-28. On Oakland's next possession, JaMarcus Russell wasn't the quarterback, but the Raider's still went three-and-out. The Bengals then got the ball back with a chance to win or tie. Or neither. Cincy would go four-and-out and fall to 0-3 in playoff games.

Result: Raiders 31, Bengals 28

1. January 13, 1991, at Los Angeles

This game put Tecmo out of business and ruined Nike's sweetest ad campaign ever. And we have Kevin Walker to thank. In the second half of a tantalizingly close game, Walker ended Bo Jackson's football career with a tackle that damaged Bo's hip (Pictured at the top of the page).

This game was also exhibit A for why Bo was unstoppable in Tecmo Super Bowl. In the three quarters preceding the injury, Jackson had racked up 77 yards on SIX carries. We can probably all agree that if Bo doesn't get injured, Tecmo Super Bowl would have sold 6 billion copies and the Madden franchise would have never started. Which means Playstation 2 would have never existed, which means Playstation 3 wouldn't be here which means that X-box would be a cool name for a dog, but not a video game machine and everyone in the world would be dead. So Kevin Walker single-handedly stopped the apocalypse, OK, he didn't stop it, he just delayed it until 2012.

Lets get back to the game though. After Jackson went out with his team up 10-3, the Bengals came back and tied it in the fourth. However, the Raiders would score 10 more points to win the game. The most embarrassing part of the loss is that Jay Schroeder was the Raider quarterback at the time. Say that again, 'Jay Schroeder.' There are paper plates with more talent than Schroeder. The Bengals lost to a glorified paper plate.

For the next 19 years, when broadcasters would say 'The Bengals have only been to the playoffs once since the 1990 season,' this is that game. The game that started the playoff drought.

Result: Raiders 20, Bengals 10

Monday, November 16, 2009

Miami (Ohio)-Kentucky: Redhawks Fall In In Thriller To Team That Spends $40 Million More on Their Basketball Program

Miami was a 20-point underdog Monday, but somebody forgot to tell them.

Redhawk forward/all-around bad ass Nick Winbush hit eight 3-pointers in a game where Miami jumped out to a 36-18 lead.

Of course, UK didn't bring in John Calipari to lose games to MAC schools.

They brought him in to cheat and win national championships. Calipari's number one recruit John Wall (who was suspended for Kentucky's first game against Morehead State) hit the game-winning shot with .5 seconds left. Wall finished the game with 19 points.

If you're wondering why Wall went to Kentucky, our guess is that he's $50,000 richer and his parents are both driving Ferrari's.

Here's the heart stopping final 19 seconds.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Friday, November 13, 2009

Should Bengals Just Forfeit to Steelers: National Pundits Seem to Think So

In case you haven't watched ESPN this week, let me update you on what's happened. Since Tuesday at 8 a.m., the Worldwide leader has only been talking about one NFL game: Bengals-Steelers. Hold on, we're completely lying. Check that, the real only game they've been talking about: Colts-Patriots.

Now you're probably asking yourself: "Wow, the Bengals-Steelers game is being played between two first place teams in the SAME DIVISION, why isn't ESPN showing the game some love?"

The answer: no one thinks the Bengals are going to win. Wait, let's carefully rephrase that: one person thinks the Bengals are going to win, ESPN's Eric Allen. That's right, everyone else in the country is either high on low grade meth or picking the Steelers (Or in Michael Irvin's case, both).

We here at INSIC are pretty lazy, so we didn't track down every expert's pick, but we tracked down enough of them to prove our point.

As a history lesson, lets see how the Bengals have fared this year when they're the underdog:

Ravens vs. Bengals no.2(Bengals are 2.5 point underdogs) Bengals win 17-7
Bengals vs. Bears 3 weeks ago (Bengals are 1 point underdogs) Bengals win 45-10
Bengals vs. Ravens no.1 (Bengals are 5.5 point underdogs) Bengals win 17-14
Bengals vs. Steelers in Sept. (Bengals are 6.5 point underdogs) Bengals win 23-20
Bengals vs. Packers in Sept. (Bengals are 8.5 point underdogs) Bengals win 31-24.

Yup, the Bengals are 5-0.

INSIC says the Bengals will all but sew up a playoff berth Sunday with a 24-20 win over the Steelers. Keep in mind that the Bengals played their WORST first half of the season in game one against the Steelers and STILL WON.

By the way, the blog will have a live report from Pittsburgh Sunday if John Breech's brother Joe stays sober long enough to provide one. Joe will be at the game and will be beating up any Steeler's fans that dont't know what color their head coach is.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Ochocinco Rewriting NFL Rulebook for Bengals-Steelers Week Plus Two Other '09 Rule Changes

(This sign is currently hanging over Chad's locker at Paul Brown Stadium)

After a 2008 season where Tom Brady got Bernard Pollard-ed, where Chad Ochocinco only caught four passes for 12 yards and the Steelers won the Super Bowl, the NFL new they had to change some rules before the 2009 season started. So they decided to make three rule changes this year.

Rule 1: Anyone that follows the NFL knows about this rule change, but in case you missed it here it is: If any defensive player looks at Tom Brady in a threatening manner, that player will be penalized 15-yards, fined $19,000 and suspended for three games.

Several defensive players have already complained about the new 'Brady' rule, including Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter.

The NFL explained the rule by saying that Brady should be treated like an 18th century Japanese emperor at all times, meaning no one can look at him or touch him. In a rare turn of events, the NFL mandated that this rule is also applicable off the field. This means that if Bengals safety Roy Williams were to take Brady out to lunch, he would not be able to make eye contact with the pro bowl quarterback without risking a fine, a 15-yard penalty and a suspension.

Rule 2: See above, otherwise known as the Ochocinco rule. This rule was in effect from 2003-07 and it has been reinstated for this season.

Finally, there is Rule 3: This rule only applies to Pittsburgh Steelers fans who are not capable of producing witty comebacks when made fun of.

On August 2 of this year, the NFL decreed that no Steelers fan is allowed to use as a comeback any combination of the following words and/or phrases: 'Six-burgh,' 'We have six super bowl titles,' 'we're world champions six times over' basically, any comeback with the number six in it has been outlawed.

The only exception to this rule is if said Steelers fan can name the year and Super Bowl number in which the six victories came. If they can't, then they are to be immediately demoted from Steelers fan to Rams fan until further notice.

On the other hand, if the fan can name the Super Bowl MVP from each Steelers win, then that will earn the intelligent fan a lifeline which they can use to have one of their douche bag Steeler fan friends saved from the Rams demotion.

INSIC promises to scour the NFL rule book for the next 12 hours looking for any more peculiar changes.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Bengals-Ravens: Win Over Baltimore Costs Cincinnati More Than One Dollar

If you're a Bengals fan, you have absolutely nothing to complain about after yesterday's undressing of the Ravens.

Actually undressing might be a compliment. Stripped naked and beaten with a hacksaw is probably more accurate.

The only negative thing to come out of yesterday's game: the injury to Chris Henry. In case you were one of the 60,000 fans at the game, you probably didn't notice that Henry's arm more or less broke in half (it's officially a forearm injury). The Bengals haven't announced it yet, but INSIC would bet our first born baby's first born baby that Henry is out for the season.

We're going to make a positive out of negative here though: with the emergence of Andre Caldwell, Henry has almost been a non-factor this year. Basically, this is like your ex-girlfriend getting hit by a car, you'll be sad for a second, but then you'll look at your hot new girlfriend and get over it. Get well soon Chris.

Oh and one more thing, in case you were at Sunday's game, or maybe you missed the CBS telecast, the top picture is of Ochocinco trying to buy off the ref. An Ocho third-down catch in the second half was challenged by Baltimore. Chad thought that if he slipped the ref a dollar, the ref might make the call in his favor. Nope. Ocho's toe was out-of-bounds on the play and the call was reversed to incomplete pass.

Bengals Beat Ravens, but WAIT, Did Bengals Beat Broncos?

Everyone saw the Bengals dominate the Ravens today like a meth addict dominate his bathroom lab.

The win brought the Bengals to 6-2 on the season. Now, we hate to bring up the Denver game, but it has to be done. Why? Because someone sent us a picture of number 27 Knowshon Moreno getting his cheat on.

Yes, in the top middle right corner of this photo, that is former UGA star Knowshon Moreno, illegally on the field during Stokley's crap ass touchdown catch. If you can get a hold of the replay, you'll plainly see that Moreno was ILLEGALLY ON the field and the play should have been called back (Knowshon was not in on the Stokley play, he was on the sideline watching like 60,000 other people).

Please make note of the fact that EVERY OTHER PERSON on the Bronco sideline knows how to properly cheer: by not running on the field before the play is over.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Who Dey or Who Dat: Bengals and Saints Fans Want to Know Why Stuart Scott Still Has a Job

In case you've never applied for a job at the Worldwide Leader (or ESPN if you will), here's how it works: you send in a resume and if they like you, they have you come in and take a sports quiz that you couldn't pass if you had google, a sports encyclopedia and Howie Schwab at your disposal.

The first question on the quiz is usually something like, 'name the last 10 Heisman trophy winners?' That's one question, not ten questions rolled into one.

After that, the test only gets harder.

What's the point here?

Stuart Scott, the guy ESPN loves to shove down your throat, has the sports knowledge of a Central American orphan. For example, last night after the Saints knocked off the Falcons, Scott made a big boo-boo: he mixed up who-dey with who-dat. There is a reason Central American orphans are not employed by the sports media.

For those of you Bengals fans who wouldn't know Drew Brees from Drew Barrymore, the Saints chant is similar to the Bengals, it goes: Who-dat, Who-dat, Who-dat say day gonna beat dem Saints.

Of course, the Bengals much cooler version goes: Who-dey, Who-dey, Who-dey think gonna beat them Bengals...

Now it's OK if the average fan gets this wrong, but it's not OK for Stuart 'My Lazy eye should have relegated me to radio four years ago' Scott. If your the on-site host for Monday Night Football, you should be pretty familiar with the home team's cheer. Of course, this post would be useless without the video, so here it is.

Scott opens the video with his worthless babble, then it happens again at the 23 second mark.