Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Ochocinco Rewriting NFL Rulebook for Bengals-Steelers Week Plus Two Other '09 Rule Changes

(This sign is currently hanging over Chad's locker at Paul Brown Stadium)

After a 2008 season where Tom Brady got Bernard Pollard-ed, where Chad Ochocinco only caught four passes for 12 yards and the Steelers won the Super Bowl, the NFL new they had to change some rules before the 2009 season started. So they decided to make three rule changes this year.

Rule 1: Anyone that follows the NFL knows about this rule change, but in case you missed it here it is: If any defensive player looks at Tom Brady in a threatening manner, that player will be penalized 15-yards, fined $19,000 and suspended for three games.

Several defensive players have already complained about the new 'Brady' rule, including Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter.

The NFL explained the rule by saying that Brady should be treated like an 18th century Japanese emperor at all times, meaning no one can look at him or touch him. In a rare turn of events, the NFL mandated that this rule is also applicable off the field. This means that if Bengals safety Roy Williams were to take Brady out to lunch, he would not be able to make eye contact with the pro bowl quarterback without risking a fine, a 15-yard penalty and a suspension.

Rule 2: See above, otherwise known as the Ochocinco rule. This rule was in effect from 2003-07 and it has been reinstated for this season.

Finally, there is Rule 3: This rule only applies to Pittsburgh Steelers fans who are not capable of producing witty comebacks when made fun of.

On August 2 of this year, the NFL decreed that no Steelers fan is allowed to use as a comeback any combination of the following words and/or phrases: 'Six-burgh,' 'We have six super bowl titles,' 'we're world champions six times over' basically, any comeback with the number six in it has been outlawed.

The only exception to this rule is if said Steelers fan can name the year and Super Bowl number in which the six victories came. If they can't, then they are to be immediately demoted from Steelers fan to Rams fan until further notice.

On the other hand, if the fan can name the Super Bowl MVP from each Steelers win, then that will earn the intelligent fan a lifeline which they can use to have one of their douche bag Steeler fan friends saved from the Rams demotion.

INSIC promises to scour the NFL rule book for the next 12 hours looking for any more peculiar changes.


  1. i must agree with you about the Six-Burgh stuff. It is just not creative at all. Oh well. I will give this a shot. I didn't look the years up, Johnny. Believe me there. Anthony Vispisiano and/or Dave Hayes would not like that if I did... 70s MVPs are just a guess as to which guy won which year.

    Super Bowl IX was in 1974-75 MVP: Harris
    Super Bowl X was 1975-76 MVP: Bradshaw
    Super Bowl XIII was 1978-79 MVP: Swann
    Super Bowl XIV was 1979-80 MVP: Bradshaw
    Super Bowl XL was 2005-06 MVP: Ward
    Super Bowl XLII was 2008-09 MVP: Holmes

    Should be a good one this Sunday. Worst of luck to you and Keith Rivers' jaw!

  2. Conte, I have to say that you just moved up to number one on my short list of favorite steelers fans:

    1. Dan Conte
    2. Billiam Wisby
    98. Jeff Binkowski

    If you're an identity thief reading this and have run out of online hits, I'm pretty sure all three of these guys are on facebook.

  3. Someone let D. Conte know Maria Fleishman will be in attendance to wish Big Ben luck this weekend!

    Also, Chris Crocker wants to introduce himself to Santonio Holmes, because I don't believe he remembers him. At all.