Ochocinco Rewriting NFL Rulebook for Bengals-Steelers Week Plus Two Other '09 Rule Changes

(This sign is currently hanging over Chad's locker at Paul Brown Stadium)

After a 2008 season where Tom Brady got Bernard Pollard-ed, where Chad Ochocinco only caught four passes for 12 yards and the Steelers won the Super Bowl, the NFL new they had to change some rules before the 2009 season started. So they decided to make three rule changes this year.

Rule 1: Anyone that follows the NFL knows about this rule change, but in case you missed it here it is: If any defensive player looks at Tom Brady in a threatening manner, that player will be penalized 15-yards, fined $19,000 and suspended for three games.

Several defensive players have already complained about the new 'Brady' rule, including Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter.

The NFL explained the rule by saying that Brady should be treated like an 18th century Japanese emperor at all times, meaning no one can look at him or touch him. In a rare turn of events, the NFL mandated that this rule is also applicable off the field. This means that if Bengals safety Roy Williams were to take Brady out to lunch, he would not be able to make eye contact with the pro bowl quarterback without risking a fine, a 15-yard penalty and a suspension.

Rule 2: See above, otherwise known as the Ochocinco rule. This rule was in effect from 2003-07 and it has been reinstated for this season.

Finally, there is Rule 3: This rule only applies to Pittsburgh Steelers fans who are not capable of producing witty comebacks when made fun of.

On August 2 of this year, the NFL decreed that no Steelers fan is allowed to use as a comeback any combination of the following words and/or phrases: 'Six-burgh,' 'We have six super bowl titles,' 'we're world champions six times over' basically, any comeback with the number six in it has been outlawed.

The only exception to this rule is if said Steelers fan can name the year and Super Bowl number in which the six victories came. If they can't, then they are to be immediately demoted from Steelers fan to Rams fan until further notice.

On the other hand, if the fan can name the Super Bowl MVP from each Steelers win, then that will earn the intelligent fan a lifeline which they can use to have one of their douche bag Steeler fan friends saved from the Rams demotion.

INSIC promises to scour the NFL rule book for the next 12 hours looking for any more peculiar changes.