Justin Bieber says: Baby's not mine, Bengals in a Blowout, Buy my Christmas Album

Justin Bieber says call your bookie and bet Bengals.

Because pop culture is my second favorite thing to write about, we need to make one thing clear right now: there is no way Justin Bieber fathered a kid with that 20-year-old California girl.

How do I know this?

Because Bieber is either A. a virgin or B. gay and as far as I know, both of those things would preclude him from impregnating a girl.

In case this picture isn't clear enough, Peter King thinks
the Bengals are going to lose Sunday. 

OK, so how does this relate to the Bengals? Like this. Vegas, Peter King and all the talking heads on ESPN seem to think the Bengals are going to lose tomorrow. Well, they're not going too.

How do I know this?

Because the Bengals A. do not suck and B. are awesome and as far as I know, either one of those things would preclude the Bengals from losing.

The Bengals-Titans game on Sunday has Bengals-Bears 2009 written all over it.

The 3-2 Bears were playing the 4-2 Bengals in Cincinnati and the BEARS were favored.

The Bengals wins were far more impressive --Steelers, Ravens, Packers were three of the four -- plus, the Bears had Jay Cutler at quarterback and as most football fans know: Jay Cutler sucks. They could play football for 8 billion more years, Jay Cutler could be immortal and live all 8 billion of those years and play a trillion more football games and he'd still suck.

Long story short: Bengals won 45-10. 

Matt Hasselbeck also kind of isn't good. Sure Hasselbeck's been to a Super Bowl and sure he beat the Saints in the playoffs last season, but lets be honest, if someone was holding a gun to your head and you had to pick a QB to start a game with your life on the line, Hasselbeck would be like the 56th choice. There's college QB's you'd pick before Hasselbeck.

Anyway, if you're bored, read all my picks, if you're in a hurry, skip to the bottom for my Bengals prediction.

Week 9 Picks

Kansas City at Miami: I'd rather staple a raw steak to my genitalia and be put in a cage with a hungry lion than have to watch this game. On a completely unrelated  note, if you drafted a fantasy team this season that includes Matt Cassel, Jackie Battle or any Miami Dolphins player, you should think about joining a fantasy chess league because you suck at fantasy football. Chiefs 17-10 over the Dolphins. 

Atlanta at Indianapolis: If you're a girl reading this, you probably know a guy or two that performs better in bed when their drunk. The Falcons are the drunk sex guys of the NFL. They only play perform well in domes.  Last time I checked, Indianapolis is in a dome. Falcons fans will probably have lots of drunk sex after Atlanta bashes Indy 31-17. 

Tampa Bay at New Orleans: Two weeks ago, the Saints bitch slapped the Colts 62-7. It was uglier than the last 3 years of Lindsay Lohan's movie career. After the 55-point win, the Saints promptly went out and lost to the Rams. THE RAMS. This would be like a boxer beating Mike Tyson in his prime and then losing to a blind baby the next week. Unimaginable. That being said, I see the Saints overcoming their loss to the blind babies and rebounding with a 31-24 win.

Anchor Bar is the only form of entertainment in Buffalo.

N.Y. Jets at Buffalo: Every time I watch a game that's in Buffalo, I feel sorry for the fans and that's mostly because they live in Buffalo. I went there once, asked someone for something cool to do and they said go to the Anchor Bar because that's where Buffalo wings were invented. If going to a wing bar is the coolest thing to do in your city, then YOUR CITY SUCKS. Now I'm pissed at Buffalo, so I'm picking the Jets 24-20. 

Seattle at Dallas: Two weeks ago, the Cowboys beat the Rams 34-7. Last week they lost to the Eagles 34-7. I'm not a big pattern person, but I see a pattern there. Cowboys 34-7. 

Cleveland at Houston: Generally, I pick the Browns to lose every game they play in. This strategy has me at 4-3 picking their games. I see no reason to stop now. Texans 30-14 over Cleveland. 

San Francisco at Washington: The Redskins season is falling apart faster than Herman Cain's presidential bid. West Coast teams don't usually win 10 a.m. PT games, but the 49ers have already done it twice this season. One more can't hurt. San Francisco 20-13 over the Redskins.

Denver at Oakland: There's a 50 percent chance that Tim Tebow will not be the worst quarterback in this game. The over/under on Carson Palmer pick six's is 1.5. Don't go under. Its a trap bet. The Broncos score on three pick six's but still manage to lose 31-21. 


N.Y. Giants at New England: Reasons I can't pick the Giants: A. David Tyree is not playing in this game. B. Tom Brady is 312-0 at home and 464-2 after a loss. I'll take the Patriots 34-27. 

Do man-eating rhinos exist?

St. Louis at Arizona: Scroll back to the top. Read what I wrote about the Kansas City-Miami game. However, instead of raw steak, use AIDS and instead of hungry lion, use man-eating rhinoceros. On that note, I think the "Suck for Luck" campaign is over for the Rams because they're going to make it two in a row with a 27-17 win.

Green Bay at San Diego: Picking who's going to win between Aaron Rodgers and Philip Rivers is like trying to decide who's going to win best actress at the Academy Awards between Meryl Streep and Lindsay Lohan. Only Lohan wasn't nominated and she's in jail. That probably doesn't make sense, but my pick will, Packers 38-31 over the Chargers. 

Baltimore at Pittsburgh: I don't care who wins this game, as long as 19 Steelers starters get hurt and can't play next week against the Bengals. That's right. I'm cheering for injuries. Oh, and the refs. I'm cheering for them too. And world peace. But mostly injuries. Steelers 20-17 over Baltimore. 

Chicago at Philadelphia: The Bears don't have a win on the road this year. They're going on the road. I think you know where I'm going with this. By the way, don't try and tell me the Bears do have a road win and it was in England. Because here's what I say to that: nothing that happens in England counts for anything. If you lost your virginity in England, you're still a virgin. If you kill someone in England, they were English, so they probably deserved it. Also, I will not be watching the summer Olympics. Eagles 31-24 over the Bears. 

What's bigger: Kim's butt or Kim's boobs?
What's longer:  Kim's marriage or the Bengals winning streak?
As always, INSIC asks the tough questions. 

Cincinnati at Tennessee: The Bengals win streak is now over half as long as Kim Kardshian's marriage was. Maybe its just me and maybe its just because I watch E! 14 hours a day, but I'm impressed by that stat.

You want more positive statistics? How about this: The last time the Bengals had a 5-game winning streak: 1988. The last time the Bengals went to the Super Bowl: the 1988 season. I say the Carrot Top Cannon comes out on fire and the Bengals win 34-17. 

Week 8 Picks

Straight-up: 10-3

SU Overall: 84-32

Against the Spread: 6-7

ATS Overall: 64-52

Exact Week 8 Picks: 0

Exact Picks Overall: 2

Carson Palmer Traded to Raiders plus Bengals Fans Rejoice and is Mike Brown the new Thomas Jefferson?

Carson Palmer's fake smile is Oakland's problem now.

The only way Tuesday could have been better for Bengals fans is if Mike Brown would have fired himself.

Brown's incredibly crazy, stubborn strategy of holding on to Carson Palmer paid off in a huge way Tuesday morning when the Raiders gave the Bengals a 2012 first round pick and 2013 second round pick for the much maligned quarterback. The 2013 pick becomes a first round pick if the Raiders make the AFC Championship game in 2011 or 2012.

Is Mike Brown the new
Danny Ocean? INSIC
says yes.

I haven't seen a heist like this since the third time I saw Ocean's 11. And the fact that it was masterminded by Mike Brown makes it even harder to believe.

But lets be honest, Brown didn't exactly mastermind this, it fell into his lap. This would be like dumping your girlfriend and then going to Costco and having a 3-some with two of the cashiers there who also happen to be lingerie models.


Three thoughts from the biggest in-season trade in NFL history.

THOUGHT ONE

I'm going to compare Mike Brown to Thomas Jefferson. I completely understand the shocking nature of the prior sentence, if you aren't prepared for the comparison, please feel free to skip to the next thought. Also feel free to punch me in the face next time you see me.

The Palmer-to-Raiders trade is the Louisiana Purchase of NFL deals.

For you non-history buffs or people who are too drunk right now to remember anything from sixth grade, here's the Louisiana Purchase in a nut shell: Napoleon was dealing with all sorts of crap in Europe and he needed money really, really, really, really bad (Kind of like the Raiders needed a quarterback really, really, really, really bad).

Napoleon was so desperate that he was willing to do anything non-sexual for money. He called up his boy Thomas Jefferson and offered the Louisiana Territory at a below market price.

Sidebar: The Louisiana Territory is made up of a bunch of great plains states that no one likes to visit, but it doubled the size of the country.

Better deal: Louisiana Purchase, getting two first round picks
for Carson Palmer or paying $5 to get to second base with a bear.

Long story short: Jefferson had all the leverage (Mike Brown had all the leverage in the Palmer trade) and T. Jeff ended up paying 3 CENTS a square mile for the Louisiana Territory.

Napoleon got what he wanted ($15 million), Jefferson got what he wanted -- he took advantage of Napoleon like a guy takes advantage of a drunk girl who's on her first rebound date after being dumped -- and everyone was happy.

Mike Brown got what he wanted -- two first round picks. And lets not kid ourselves, the Raiders probably threw in a Kroger Plus card.

The Raiders got what they wanted -- a starting quarterback. Everyone went home happy.

THOUGHT TWO

Mike Brown doesn't make this deal under the old collective bargaining agreement (CBA).

If you bore easily, skip the next five paragraphs.

The NFL lockout was because of the old CBA. Prior to 2009, contracts for first round picks were gigantic, for instance, Matthew Stafford, the 2009 first round pick, signed for 6-years, $72 million with $41.7 million of that guaranteed.

Mike Brown is the stingiest person in the world. Its common knowledge that he hangs around homeless people and asks them for change. Mike Brown doesn't want to give $41.7 million to anyone.

Under the new CBA, he doesn't have too. Cam Newton, the first pick of the 2011 draft, only signed for $22 million guaranteed. That's $20 million less than Stafford got. You know what that means. It means Brown can afford two 2012 first round picks for the price of one 2009 first round pick. The Bengals also save about $40 million in contract money by getting rid of Palmer.

Bottom line: Mike Brown is still a cheap skate. If there were no NFL lockout he wouldn't have made this deal. Wasting money on first round picks is why he turned down the Redskins offer for Ochocinco in 2008 and why he turned down the Saints offer for Ricky Williams in the 1998 draft.

Quick refresher: in 1998, the Saints were going to pretty much give the Bengals all of their picks just so they could move up in the draft and take Ricky Williams. Because Mike Brown has the football acumen of a hairless cat, he passed up the offer.

THOUGHT THREE

Carson's only friend left in
Cincinnati is this guy.

Carson Palmer is going to kick ass in Oakland. This one's obvious right?

All Bengals fans know how Bengals karma works. A player leaves the team only to find incredible success somewhere else.

Exhibit A: Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Exhibit B: Everyone that's ever played for the Bengals and gone onto to play for another team.**

**This does not apply to Shayne Graham. There can only be one productive red-head in the league at a time. Luckily for Bengals fans, its Andy Dalton right now.

Anyway, using this logic, we can ascertain that Palmer will win 11 Super Bowls, four MVP awards and the Powerball lottery while he's playing for the Raiders.

Oh and look for Carson Palmer to start Sunday against the Chiefs because God knows Kyle Boller isn't going too.

Bengals-Colts Pick, plus Absolutely Nothing Else

Week 6 picks were put up late, here's proof they were finished on time.

by john breech

(Editor's note: the INSIC internet connection was down this weekend, for the sake of continuity, we're publishing our picks from week 6)

There was one email in the INSIC inbox this week, which is one more than there was last month. It said something about "blah, blah, blah, please explain the picks you make each week and stop with the power rankings, no one cares about power rankings that don't make sense."

First of all, they do make sense. Second of all, they kind of don't. So with that in mind. We're going all game picks this week.


Week 6 Picks


Indianapolis at Cincinnati: If you would have told me last April that the starting quarterbacks in this game would be Andy Dalton and Curtis Painter. I would have punched you in the face, set your car on fire and then stolen your shoes. Curtis Painter is going to get punched in the face today by the Bengals defense. Bengals 24-17. 

Cleveland at Oakland: The Raiders are planning some sort of wild celebration/funeral for the game Sunday. You have to figure they can milk at least three victories out of Al Davis' death. By the way, Raiders fans are so crazy that no one should be surprised if riots break out in Oakland if the Raiders win this game. Let the riots start, Raiders 28-20 over the Browns.

San Francisco at Detroit: When I can't decide who to pick in a game, I generally go with the team that Alex Smith doesn't play for. Lions 27-20 over San Francisco. 

Carolina at Atlanta: The formula for picking Panthers games is pretty simple this season: Cam Newton will throw for 900 yards and Carolina will lose. So I'll say Newton throws for 900 yards and Carolina loses 31-28. 


St. Louis at Green Bay: If the Packers lose this game, I will do one of two things: I will cut Aaron Rodgers from my fantasy team and get made fun of by everyone in my league or I will cut the big toe off of my left foot. Please vote in the comments section which you would like to see, but only if the Packers lose. Green Bay 34-17 over St. Louis.

Is Homeless to Harvard actually
the Ryan Fitzpatrick story?

Buffalo at New York Giants: Three years ago I got drunk and watched a movie on Lifetime called "Homeless to Harvard." Its about some homeless girl who eventually goes to Harvard. I also feel like its Ryan Fitzpatrick's life story, so I'm picking the Bills. Buffalo 27-24 over the Giants.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh: When it comes to picking NFL games, I have three rules: never pick the Steelers, never bet on Blaine Gabbert and always take the Steelers at home against a team quarterbacked by Blaine Gabbert. I think some these rules contradict each other, so I'm just going to take the Steelers 31-21. 


Philadelphia at Washington: If the Eagles lose this game THEIR SEASON IS OVER. Andy Reid only loses important games at the end of the season, which means the Eagles win this one 30-27.


Houston at Baltimore: Unfortunately for Houston, they only do two things in Maryland: crab cakes and football. Ravens 27-21 over the Texans.

Dallas at New England: Tony Romo in a big game is like letting an anorexic loose in an all-you-can eat buffet. Its not going to be pretty. Patriots over the Cowboys 34-24. 


New Orleans at Tampa Bay: Drew Brees to Jimmy Graham is the new Montana to Rice. I'll take the Saints 30-24.

The Dolphins have to be the frontrunners
in the "Suck for Luck" campaign.

Minnesota at Chicago: Chicago is a decent team and decent teams don't get embarrassed on national television two weeks in a row. Using my horrible logic, this means since the Bears lost last week, they can't lose this week. Bears 24-17 over the Vikings.

Miami Dolphins at New York Jets: Hey Miami, its called "Suck for Luck," not "Give up in the second quarter and forfeit for Luck." So anyway, I think the Dolphins give up in the second quarter and forfeit. I'll take the Jets 27-14. 


Week 5 Picks

Straight-up: 9-4

SU Overall: 55-22

Against the Spread: 8-5

ATS Overall: 43-34

Exact Week 5 Picks: 0

Exact Picks Overall: 2

Bengals-Jaguars Pick, Plus How Al Davis Indirectly Started INSIC

"Al, I am your father."

Since Al Davis died Saturday, it only makes sense to start today's post off with a quick Al Davis story.

Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati founder John Breech is the son of former Bengals kicker and all around bad ass Jim Breech. Unbeknownst to many Bengals fans, Jim was drafted by the Detroit Lions in 1978. Yup, that's right, the Lions.

Jim Breech played for the Raiders?

Anyway, the Lions cut Breech in '78 and he was left without a job. For one year, Breech was out of the NFL, it looked like he was going to spend the rest of his life making homemade diapers for a living.

That is until 1979 when Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders called. Breech went to training camp in '79, won the kicking job, and then ended up in the NFL for 13 more years.

"He gave me the opportunity [to play] in Oakland," Breech said of Davis. "If he hadn't, I might have never kicked in the league."

So props to you Al Davis for taking a chance on a 5-foot-6, 155 pound smurf from the University of California at Berkeley.

OK, enough Al Davis talk, lets get to the power rankings that aren't really power rankings.

INSIC's Weekly Power Rankings that have Nothing to do with Power

We explained how our power rankings work two weeks ago, if you need a refresher, click here.

AFC

1. New England Patriots (3-1): Wes Welker is on pace to have 13 million catches for 9 billion yards this season. If the team you're playing in fantasy this week has Welker, you should probably just forfeit.


2. San Diego Chargers (3-1):  The chances of San Diego losing to Denver Sunday are negative 4 percent.

3. Baltimore Ravens (3-1): Due to the Ravens bye, there is no way the Bengals can be in first place after tomorrow. We don't want to live a world where the Bengals can't be in first place. The NFL should either eliminate byes or make the Ravens play 17 games.

4. Houston Texans (3-1): On a normal Sunday, Raiders-Texans would rank behind Never Ending Story II on a list of things exciting to watch. Al Davis passing away though makes this a must watch game.

Could the Bengals win an all "C" division?

5. Tennessee Titans (3-1): Would you rather be red headed or bald? That needs to be a post game question for Matt Hasselbeck.


6. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2): If there were an all "C" division in the NFL (Cincinnati, Cleveland, Chicago, Carolina), the Bengals would be tied for first. We really wish there were an all "C" division in the NFL.

NFC

1. Green Bay Packers (4-0): The Packers should just get a bye to the Super Bowl.

2. New Orleans Saints (3-1): Drew Brees and Cam Newton might combine to throw for 3,000 yards Sunday.

3. New York Giants (3-1): Someone at Grantland.com said that of all of the QB's in the NFL, Eli Manning is the best husband material. Someone at Grantland.com is sticking heroin needles in places they shouldn't stick heroin needles.


4. San Francisco 49ers (3-1): Alex Smith is starting to look like Joe Montana, except not at all.

5. Detroit Lions (4-0): Talk about getting ripped off. The Lions are on Monday Night Football for the first time in 97 years this week and they don't even get the Monday Night Football song. If there's no song, its not really Monday Night Football.



6. Washington Redskins (3-1): The PC police want the Redskins to change their name. If they went with the Foreskins, would that be more or less offensive? 

Week 4 Picks
Straight-up: 12-4
SU Overall: 46-18
Against the Spread: 11-5
ATS Overall: 35-29
Exact Week 2 Picks: 0
Exact Picks Overall: 2

Week 5 Picks
Cincinnati 20-13 over Jacksonville
Philadelphia 27-21 over Buffalo
Tennessee 24-20 over Pittsburgh
N.Y. Giants 31-17 over Seattle
New Orleans 38-27 over Carolina
Houston 27-20 over Oakland
Kansas City 24-21 over Indianapolis
Minnesota 31-24 over Arizona
San Francisco 20-14 over Tampa Bay
New England 34-27 over N.Y. Jets
San Diego 31-20 over Denver
Green Bay 38-31 over Atlanta
Detroit 27-20 over Chicago

INSIC's Bengals-49ers Pick, Plus How the Week Could Have Been Worse for the Bengals

Worst week ever? Obviously you weren't a Bengals fan in 1989.

If you're a Bengals fan, then you probably realize that this week has been straight out of a Stephen King novel, that is, if Stephen King wrote sports novels about illegal marijuana deliveries.

As bad as this week has been though, please keep in mind that it could have been worse... and we'll tell you why.

Lets review:

Monday: the Bengals announce that Jordan Shipley has a torn ACL and will miss the rest of the season.

Shipley's lucky he's not a gopher.

But it could have been worse, the Bengals could have announced that Shipley has a flesh eating virus that turns you into a gopher and causes AIDS. They didn't though. They announced it was only a torn ACL. ONLY a torn ACL.

Tuesday: Authorities track a 2.5 pound shipment of high-grade marijuana to Jerome Simpson's house. Simpson is now under investigation and because of that, he missed practice on Thursday and Friday. Based on the situation, Simpson might also miss Sunday's game against the 49ers, along with every Bengals game for the next 2-4 years.

But it could have been worse, Simpson could have had a dump truck full of cocaine delivered to a Cincinnati area foster home and then forced the poor foster children to do coke lines at gun point. Not only would have this been worse, it would have been 11 times more illegal than having 2.5 pounds of high-grade marijuana delivered to your house.

Thursday: Mike Silver from Yahoo! sports reports that the NFL has suspended Cedric Benson for three games. Silver says Benson will be allowed to play Sunday against the 49ers and will have the chance to appeal the suspension on Tuesday. Of course, it could have been worse, Benson could have shot himself in the leg at a nightclub.

INSIC's Weekly Power Rankings that have Nothing to do with Power

We explained how our power rankings work last week, if you need a refresher, click here.

AFC

1. New England (2-0): Do you think Ochocinco finds irony in the fact that the Jerome Simpson marijuana investigation involves ocho point cinco ounces of pot? He has too. Right?

2. San Diego (1-1): In week one, Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding tore his ACL on the first play of the game. This week against the Chiefs, every player on San Diego's roster could tear their ACL on the first play of the game and the Chargers would still win.

3. Baltimore (1-1): Last Sunday, the Ravens defense got torched like a stunt double in Backdraft. Matt Hasselbeck threw for over 300 yards and Tennessee rolled. The Ravens defense will be mad Sunday against the Rams, which means there's a very good chance that at least 12 Rams players will suffer season ending injuries this weekend.

4. Houston (2-0): If the Texans are good at anything, its completely collapsing after a 2-0 start. In 2007, the Texans started 2-0, only to lose five of their next six. In 2010, the Texans started 2-0, only to lose six of their next eight. This year, the Texans are 2-0 and oh, lets look at their next four games: Saints, Raiders, Steelers, Ravens. Best case scenario there: 1-3.

Harvard QB's are undefeated this season.

5. Buffalo (2-0): The Bills and their Harvard quarterback came back from down 21-3 Sunday to beat the Raiders, that's the surprising part. The non-surprising part, Ryan Fitzpatrick divided the Quadratic Equation by the Pythagorean Theorem and then multiplied it by Murphy's Law to figure out the velocity he needed to throw the ball for the winning touchdown. Its OK to hate Harvard and anyone that's ever gone there.

6. Cincinnati (1-1): After two weeks, the Bengals are tied for first in the AFC North, which is three places higher than where most people thought they would be.

NFC

1.  Green Bay Packer (2-0): If the Packers were in the NFC West, they would have already clinched a playoff berth... and its only been two weeks.

2. New Orleans (1-1): The Saints play the Houston Texans this week and here's an interesting stat for you: since entering the league in 2002, the Texans are 1-8 in week three. What we're trying to say here, is that basically, New Orleans has a bye this week.

3. Philadelphia (1-1): There were reports that Michael Vick was coughing up blood at halftime of Sunday's game against the Falcons. Now, no one here at INSIC has a medical degree, but we saw a squirrel coughing up blood once and it died the next day. So someone should probably keep an eye on Vick. 

Why isn't there an all-bird division in the NFL?
INSIC asks the tough questions.

4. San Francisco 49ers (1-1): Due to the general suckiness of the NFC West, a record of 5-11 is going to win it this season. This works out well for the 49ers because they only have four winnable games left on their schedule and no, one of them is not the Bengals.


5. Atlanta Falcons (1-1): If there was a bird division in the NFL (Falcons, Cardinals, Seahawks, Eagles), the Falcons would win it this year. Unfortunately for Atlanta, the NFL doesn't let 6-year-olds pick the divisions, so they're going to have to get past New Orleans if they want to win the NFC South.


6. Detroit Lions (2-0): As a city, Detroit really has nothing going for it. They have a high murder rate, no economy to speak of and nine out of every 10 people there are unemployed. Detroit's really like a combination of Cleveland and a state prison. These people need the Lions. Everyone cheer for the Lions.

Week 3 Picks

In week one, we threw a bunch of cats off of a tall building to make our picks. We went 10-6. Last week we used the slightly more animal friendly strategy of picking the team that sucks less. We went 14-2.

INSIC will be using the Toys R Us strategy for making picks this week.

This week, we're going the Jerome Simpson route. We're going to hot box a Toys 'R' Us bathroom and then ask the cop who eventually arrests us who he thinks is going to win. Got it. Good.

Week 2 Picks
Straight-up: 14-2
SU Overall: 24-8
Against the Spread: 9-7
ATS Overall: 19-13
Exact Week 2 Picks: 1 (We picked Atlanta over Philly 35-31, Atlanta beat Philly 35-31).
Exact Picks Overall: 2

Week 3 Picks
Cincinnati 24-20 over San Francisco
Philadelphia 31-24 over N.Y. Giants
New Orleans 38-31 over Houston
Carolina 27-17 over Jacksonville
New England 38-34 over Buffalo
Cleveland 24-17 over Miami
Tennessee 27-20 over Denver
Detroit 31-20 over Minnesota
Baltimore 35-24 over St. Louis
N.Y. Jets 24-13 over Oakland
San Diego 34-17 over Kansas City
Seattle 20-17 over Arizona
Atlanta 34-28 over Tampa Bay
Pittsburgh 31-13 over Indianapolis
Chicago 24-20 over Green Bay
Dallas 28-20 over Washington

Bad News for Non-Pot Smoking Bengals Fans: Jerome Simpson's House Might be a Marijuana Distribution Center

This sign, in Jerome Simpson's front yard, gave him away.

If you're a Bengals player reading this right now, we have great news: you're probably going to get drug tested in the next 30 minutes and you can thank Jerome Simpson and Anthony Collins.

Simpson

The two Bengals teammates are being investigated by Kentucky and California authorities after 2.5 pounds of high-grade marijuana was delivered from Northern California to Simpson's Northern Kentucky home.

You can read all about how police got involved here, but if you're lazy, we'll break it down into two sentences.

Authorities tracked the California marijuana shipment to Simpson's house where his girlfriend, Aleen Smith, signed for it. Police tracking the package then searched Simpson's home where they found six more pounds of marijuana, some packaging material and scales for weighing the pot.

"The house was setup as a potential distribution network," one investigator said.

Now, its not clear if Simpson was running an international drug cartel out of his house, but lets just say that 2.5 pounds of pot delivered to your house when you already have six pounds there is a good start for running one.

Simpson's house had more pot than the set of Half-Baked

Now, although Simpson's house had more marijuana than the set of Half-Baked, police didn't arrest anyone after four hours of interviews Tuesday, which in itself is interesting.

Eight pounds of pot and no one gets arrested? We'll let this one play out, but our best bet is that at least one of the three (Simpson, Collins or Simpson's girlfriend) involved here will eventually get busted.

Simpson closed his Twitter account (@Rome089) early Wednesday with one last tweet that read, "Keep the faith." Also, his personal web page no longer exists.

So there's that.

There are two pieces of good news here though:

1. Even if Simpson gets arrested, he's still won't be the worst NFL player turned criminal named Simpson (O.J. obviously wins that)

2. Simpson only had 8.5 pounds of pot in his house, its not like he had 213 pounds in a van, like a certain former Dallas Cowboys offensive lineman.

Finally, we here at INSIC would like to point out one odd coincidence: the marijuana shipped to Simpson's house came from Eureka, Calif., a town with a population of exactly 27,191.

So we asked ourselves, "Does Simpson, who is from North Carolina, know anyone from Eureka, Calif.?"

The answer is yes. Bengal middle linebacker Rey Maualuga has some ties to Eureka, he graduated from high school there in 2005. Coincidence? You tell us.

NFL Week 2 Bengals-Broncos: INSIC Makes a Pick and Puts Out a Power Ranking

F Brandon Stokley Photo by the Cincinnati Enquirer

Hottest twins ever?

Every Friday for the rest of the NFL season, we're going to post INSIC's quick picks and power rankings. Unless of course Nick at Night starts showing reruns of Sister, Sister on Fridays.

If that happens, this blog has no future because everyone here will dance around naked and eat pudding while watching the highly entertaining twin duo of Tia and Tamara Mowry. Tia and Tamara are the hottest twins of all-time not named Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Anyway, a few quick facts about the power rankings:

1. Because we're a Cincinnati blog, we'll be devising the rankings under the pretense that the Bengals are the best team in the NFL (which shouldn't be difficult because they are).

2. We'll only be ranking 12 teams.

Why only 12 you ask?

First Glen Rice, who's next?

A. because we're lazy and B. because that's how many teams make the playoffs. Teams number 13 thru 32 will have one thing in common on Jan. 2: they'll all be free to go try and have a one-night stand with Sarah Palin because their season will be over.

3. To clarify further, these rankings are basically playoff projections, so the 12 teams we rank will include six teams from the AFC and six teams from the NFC.

AFC

1. New England (1-0): If Carson Palmer threw for 517 yards in a game and Ochocinco only had 14 of them, Chad would have gone to the Paul Brown Stadium parking lot and set Carson's car on fire. Ocho didn't do this to Brady, which means one of two things: Ocho didn't have any matches or he respects Brady...

2. Baltimore (1-0): No, the Ravens didn't take the Steelers into a Milledgeville, Georgia bar bathroom, but they definitely took advantage of them.

3. San Diego (1-0): Charger kicker Nate Kaeding tore his ACL on the opening kickoff Sunday. The only injury we can think of that's worse: your hair catching on fire while you try and blow out your birthday candles... and the hair we're talking about isn't on your head.

4. Houston (1-0): Beating the Colts without Peyton Manning is like having hot sex with a Kardashian... Rob Kardashian. Its nothing to brag about, as a matter of fact, you probably shouldn't tell anyone.

5. Buffalo (1-0): Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard, which means for fun, he likes to do calculus, herd cats and learn foreign languages.

6. Cincinnati (1-0): Mike Brown's diabolical plan of being mediocre for 20 years and then waiting until 2011 to surprise attack every team in the NFL is starting to take shape.

NFC

Are you a Packers fan? If so, this could be you every Sunday.

1. Green Bay (1-0): If you're an alcoholic and you're a Packers fan, here's an easy game to play this season: take a shot every time Green Bay scores.

2. Philadelphia (1-0): The Eagles beat the Rams Sunday, but their strategy of injuring the other team's three best players probably isn't going to work every week (They injured Sam Bradford, Steven Jackson and Danny Amendola). Andy Reid better think of something new for Sunday night's game with Atlanta.

3. New Orleans (0-1): The Saints might be the best 0-1 team in NFL history. However, going forward, Sean Payton may want to let Drew Brees' mole make all goal line calls.

4. San Francisco (1-0): The 49ers are shaping up to be the date rape drug of the NFL this season, just when you think they have no chance to win/get laid, you wake up six hours/four months later and wonder how they won the division/got you in bed.

5. Chicago (1-0): The Bears had the most impressive win in the NFL Sunday, which is amazing because outside the National Geographic channel, the words 'Bears' and 'impressive' are never used in the same sentence.

6. Atlanta (0-1): Instead of writing anything about the Falcons, we're just going to show you this commercial because its funny and if you're a Falcons fan, you didn't have anything to laugh about last Sunday:



WEEK 2 PICKS

How many cute kittens died so that we could make our  week 

one picks?

To make our week one picks, we threw 16 cats off a 12-story roof, if they lived, we picked the home team, if they didn't, we picked the away team. Unfortunately, we picked the away team a few times, which means not all the cats lived, but don't fret: Sprinkes, Ted and Tiny Nick didn't die in vain, we went 3-0 in those picks.

However, due to complaints by the police, the SPCA and our neighbors who are looking for their missing cats, we decided to change strategies this week. We're just going to pick the team that doesn't suck.

Week 1 Picks:
Straight-up: 10-6
SU Overall: 10-6
Against the Spread: 10-6
ATS Overall: 10-6
Exact picks: 1 (We picked Detroit 27-20 over Tampa, Detroit beat Tampa 27-20)

Week 2 picks:
Cincinnati 20-17 over Denver
Detriot 34-17 over Kansas City
Buffalo 31-20 over Oakland
Tampa Bay 20-13 over Minnesota
New Orleans 34-31 over Chicago
Baltimore 27-17 over Tennessee
Cleveland 24-17 over Indianapolis
Jets 30-13 over Jacksonville
Pittsburgh 34-10 over Seattle
Washington 27-13 over Arizona
Green Bay 35-21 over Carolina
Dallas 24-20 over San Francisco
New England 31-27 over San Diego
Houston 27-20 over Miami
Atlanta 35-31 over Philadelphia
Giants 28-20 over St. Louis

INSIC's Seven Question/Six Answer 2011 Cincinnati Bengals Preview

Should you bust out the bag now or wait until week two?

Here at INSIC, we've realized three things in the past month:

Number one: drunk babies have longer attention spans than people on the internet.

We realize that if something on the internet takes you more than five minutes to read, you're probably not going to read it. That's why we're going to keep this preview relatively short (it will be 67 paragraphs shorter than anything you've ever read on Grantland.com)

Number two: We're trying so hard to keep this preview short, we're not even going to finish this list.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to 2011 Bengals preview.

Did Ben Savage's career peak with Boy Meets World?

No Bengals preview can start without talking about Carson Palmer. That would be like starting a Ben Savage conversation and not talking about "Boys Meets World".

So lets talk about Carson Palmer.

You can do some risky things in life -- having an unprotected one-night stand with someone who has AIDS comes to mind -- but Carson Palmer one-upped even that.

Palmer got into a $45 million game of chicken with the stingiest owner in professional sports.

Bad idea.

The odds of Palmer winning this standoff with Mike Brown are about the same as Hanson and 50 Cent touring together next summer.

Thanks to Palmer's poorly planned power play, Carson is now in retirement and the Bengals had to pick up Andy Dalton in the second round of the 2011 NFL draft.

Once the lockout ended and it became clear that Dalton would be the Bengals starter this season, we here at INSIC did something that we've never done before: research.

If you get bored easily, have A.D.D or are putting off sex with your girlfriend until you've finished reading this preview, you may want to stop reading now.

The first two paragraphs were a complete lie to get you to read this, this preview isn't going to be short at all. It's going to be twice as long as anything you've ever read at Grantland and three times as long as anything we've ever written. It will rival the dictionary in length.

On that note, lets start the real preview, which isn't a preview at all, but actually a seven question quiz that's going to convince Bengals fans that Cincinnati can win this season.

Q1: Since the AFL-NFL merger in 1970, how many quarterbacks picked in the second round of the NFL draft have been the opening day starter for their team?

Bengals fans will be bonging Captain this season.

A: ZERO. Now this is based on INSIC research, which is done after bonging three bottles of Captain Morgan and taking shots of grapefruit flavored vodka, but we're fairly confident it's accurate.

This means Andy Dalton is doing something that's never been done before. He is the first second round pick to be his team's opening day starter.

Since 2000, there's been several second round draftees that started for their teams during their rookie year -- Brian Brohm, Tavaris Jackson, John Beck, Quincy Carter and Jimmy Clausen are all on the list -- but none of them have ever started the opening game.

This means Andy Dalton is the man. Also, now that Jeff Garcia is no longer playing, Dalton is now the only red-headed starting QB in the league.

Q2: What's the most wins a second round QB has ever had in his rookie season?

A: The answer is five wins (Tony Banks-1996, Charlie Batch-1998).

Q3: Is Andy Dalton going to obliterate this record?

A: Probably. Dalton is walking into an ideal situation (its not acutally an ideal situation, but its as ideal as a situation like this gets). He has a strong running game behind him, so he won't be forced to take over games. Batch was in a similar situation with the Lions (Barry Sanders at RB). Batch went 5-7 in 12 starts and four of those seven losses were by one score. Is Cedric Benson Barry Sanders? No. But the Bengals 2011 defense should be a lot better than the Lions 1998 D was, so it evens out.

Will Andy Dalton ever be on the SI cover?

Q4: Talk about Boomer Esiason. He's the best Bengal ever. If you can use a Boomer Esiason fact to convince me that Andy Dalton is going to be awesome, then I'll believe you that Andy Dalton is going to be awesome.

A: Nothing beats a good Boomer Esiason fact - except being laid by a J-woww lookalike in a Paul Brown Stadium bathroom - but we digress. Esiason was a second round pick in 1984 and guess what? Esiason started four games for the Bengals.

Boomer is one of 21 second round draft picks since 1970 that have started at least one game in their rookie season. Guess what else? Boomer went 3-1 as a starter, which gives him the record for best winning percentage by a second round draft pick in his rookie season. If Dalton ties Boomer's record, that means the Bengals go 12-4 this year.

Q5: Everyone is saying that Dalton will be a liability this season, but seriously, can he suck more than Carson Palmer did last year?

Carson Palmer single-handedly cost the Bengals several games last season. The Bengals lost eight of their 12 games last year by one score. However, Carson Palmer didn't suck-suck, he just kind of sucked. He threw more pick-6's then Antonio Cromartie has children, but in his defense, he did have to put up with Ocho and T.O.

Q6: What's your prediction for 2011?

A: 7-9

Q7: WTF, 7-9, no way, please explain.

A: The Bengals lucked out with the easiest opening seven games ever. Lets take a look real quick:

9/11 @Browns: Cleveland has won exactly one season opener since 1999. Advantage Bengals.

9/18 @Broncos: If there's one AFC team that could outsuck everyone this year, its Denver. Advantage Bengals.

Can the Carrot Top Cannon get the Bengals off to a quick start?

9/25 San Fran: When experts talk about the worst teams in the NFL this year, the 49ers are usually in the conversation. Advantage Bengals.

10/2 Buffalo: Everyone in Cincinnati witnessed the shit show that was the 2008 Bengals season. Ryan Fitzpatrick engineered that. He is now QB for the Bills. Advantage Bengals.

10/9 @Jaguars: Jacksonville CUT their starting QB five days before the season opener. In terms of winning games, that doesn't usually work out to well for you. Advantage Bengals.

10/16 @Colts: If Kerry Collins is the Colts QB in this game, bet your first child's second child on the Bengals. No Manning. Advantage Bengals.

With an early schedule
easier than Deena, the
Bengals could top out
at 9-7 this year.

10/30 @Seahawks: On the national scene, the Seahawks are the Bengals of the NFC, everyone's predicting them to be horrible and by Oct. 30, people might be calling this the Suck Bowl. As any Bengals fans knows, the Bengals are undefeated in Suck Bowls. Advantage Bengals.

These opening seven games are easier than a drunk Deena, if the Bengals can go 5-2 or 6-1 in this stretch, Dalton's confidence will shoot up faster than the BAC of a college freshman at their first frat party. If this happens, then anything is possible.

We think they'll go 4-3 in this stretch and then 3-6 the rest of the way.

This post is probably still too short for Grantland, isn't it?

Week One Picks: 
Green Bay 28-21 over New Orleans
Cincinnati 20-19 over Cleveland
Atlanta 24-17 over Chicago
Kansas City 20-17 over Buffalo
Philadelphia 21-20 over St. Louis
Detroit 27-20 over Tampa Bay
Tennessee 17-13 over Jacksonville
Pittsburgh 21-13 over Baltimore
Houston 31-17 over Indianapolis
NY Giants 20-14 over Washington
San Diego 35-24 over Minnesota
Seattle 24-16 over San Francisco
Arizona 24-10 over Carolina
NY Jets 20-17 over Dallas
New England 35-20 over Miami
Oakland 17-14 over Denver

Ochocinco Traded to Patriots for Two Future Drafts Picks and Magic Beans

In only one practice, Ochocinco already has a better relationship with
Tom Brady then he ever had with Carson Palmer. Boston Herald Photo

If you're a  new Bengals fan or a fan under the age of seven, you may not remember this, but back in 2008, the Washington Redskins really wanted Ochocinco.

The Redskins wanted Ocho so badly in fact, that they were willing to give up two first round draft picks, the cure to cancer, a solid 24 carat gold Koala Bear statue (worth over $4 billion), Miley Cyrus' virginity and 93 percent ownership in the team.

The Redskins offered Miley's virginity for Ocho in
2008, but the Bengals turned it down. 

Of course, if you're an old Bengals fan or a fan over the age of seven, you know what happened: Mike Brown vetoed the deal.

Mike Brown loves vetoing deals.

He's vetoed more deals than the last 23 Presidents of the United States combined.

If the Colts offered Mike Brown, Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne for Morgan Trent and the Bengals water boy, Brown would laugh at the offer for 30 minutes, explain to everyone that Trent and the water boy are under contract with the team and then veto the deal. And then he would take a crap in a Paul Brown Stadium bathroom and ask a Hamilton County official to wipe. 

Anyway, back to Ocho.

Ocho was officially traded to the Patriots on Friday for two draft picks, only they weren't first round draft picks, they were fifth and sixth round draft picks. And they're not even for the same year. The fifth round pick is for 2012 while the sixth round pick is for 2013.

The Bengals only have one and a half scouts, so the last thing they need to be doing is trading anyone for draft picks.

Usually, the Bengals don't let their fans down until at least week three of the regular season, this year it looks like they're trying to break new ground.

Despite What Bleacher Report and 50 Percent of Twitter Think: Bengals Roy Williams is Not Engagement Ring Mailing, Lawsuit Filing Roy Williams

More surprising: that Bleacher Report got the headline wrong or that they spelled Cincinnati right?

Sometimes cases of mistaken identity are awesome, like the time a super hot drunk girl at the bar thought I was her boyfriend. That ended well for everyone, except the boyfriend.

Other times, cases of mistaken identity are bad for everyone, like the time someone decided to put John Travolta and Nicolas Cage in the same movie and then they switched faces and then everyone got confused, except no one was confused because the movie actually kind of made sense and the movie was kind of good and both their careers were peaking, but then one of them made Battlefield Earth. And then the one that didn't make Battlefield Earth one upped (or one-downed) the one who did by making National Treasure 2 and beating up his girlfriend in New Orleans.

If you didn't follow that last paragraph, you shouldn't have, I was trying to lose you, kind of like Bill Simmons completely lost me four sentences into his last column.

Anyway, back to mistaken identity. Sometimes, mistaken identity isn't good or bad, it's just funny. Like the case of Bengals safety Roy Williams.

If you're still drunk from July 4th, you may have missed today's news involving Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams.

Williams, who should probably be at least third in line to be ABC's next Bachelor,  mailed his girlfriend a $76,000 engagement ring in February along with a proposal on tape. Yes, he proposed on tape and yes, he mailed it.

For all of you single guys out there, everything in that last paragraph is a probably a bad idea, except for the $76.000 ring, but if you're going to mail it, you might as well clip off your big toe nail, fashion it into a ring and propose with that.

Lets make the rest of this story short.

Cowboys WR Roy Williams' proposal was turned down by Brooke Daniels, his then girlfriend. Daniels then did the diligent thing and decided to keep the ring. Girls love bright shiny things, Daniels is a girl, keeping the ring only made sense. Williams then filed suit in Texas state court  because he wants the ring back. Yes, he sued his girlfriend that he just proposed to five months ago. Click here to read the whole story.

Roy Williams almost married Miss Texas, but then he proposed through the mail
and she said no, something that any girl not named Amy Winehouse would do. To be fair
to Winehouse, she would say no too, unless the envelope was full of meth. 

This is where the fun begins. Bleacher Report, along with everyone on Twitter, thought that Cowboys WR Roy Williams was Bengals Safety Roy Williams (@RoyWilliams31 on Twitter).

Here's a small sample of what Bengals safety Roy Williams (not "I mailed a $76,000 engagement ring  to my girlfriend and then sued her" Roy Williams) had to endure today:

Not only does Roy need to wake up, but the next tweeter says the Bengals safety doesn't have any swag. That's a given though, no one on the Bengals has swag.

Are women easy to please? I'd say the next tweeter is, she thinks the mail proposal was romantic. Trust me it wasn't, it's about as romantic as having a candlelight dinner in your bathroom with the toilet seat serving as the dinner table.

This next tweeter did not follow rule number one of calling people retarded, which is, if they can spell retarded, they're probably not retarded. Based on his tweets tonight, Roy Williams can spell retarded because he in fact is not retarded. 

To read all the torture that Williams suffered through last night, check out his Twitter page. 

2011 NFL Draft Preview: Its Not Earth Day, but Look for Bengals to go Green

Finally, its here, the INSIC Mock Draft that's not actually a Mock Draft because we're only going to tell you who the Bengals are going to pick.

Forget Mel Kiper, Mike Mayock, Don Banks or Todd 'really gay' McShay, if you want to know who the Bengals are going to draft tonight, grab a glass of the cheapest whiskey you can find and read on. If you don't like whiskey, then you're obviously not a Bengals fan. As everyone knows, thanks to 20 years of suckiness, all Bengals fans are alcoholics who love whiskey... and vodka and gin and tequila and anything else that blacks out memories of Bengal Sundays. 

If you really want to know if you're a Bengals fan, then ask yourself these two questions: am I an alcoholic? Do I love whiskey... and gin and vodka and tequila? If you did not answer "Yes" to these questions, you are not a Bengals fan. 

Anyway, lets move on. 

Most experts like to point at a teams 'needs' when they're trying to figure out who a certain team is going to draft. We like to point at naked pictures of women, because basically with the Bengals, pointing at team 'needs' does nothing for you, there's a 90 percent chance the pick will be a bust -- and we're not talking about a Hall-of-Fame bust in Canton. 

Before we tell you who the Bengals are going to blow their first round pick on this year, lets look at their current situation: 

Carson Palmer is confused about where he'll be playing next year. 

First, lets be clear about something: the Bengals have a quarterback under contract. His name is Carson Palmer. Carson Palmer has taken the Bengals to the playoffs two more times in the past 20 years then the 10 starting quarterbacks that came before him (free used heroin needles if you can name all 10 starting quarterbacks since 1992 and Boomer doesn't count). 

So technically, the Bengals don't need a QB. If they draft one tonight with pick No. 4, it means Marvin Lewis is wearing the pants in the draft room, but we all know he's not, Mike Brown is. i.e. Marvin knows Carson would rather set his genitals on fire than play for the Bengals, Mike Brown doesn't care. Brown would play Palmer even if his genitals were on fire. 

If the Bengals do draft a QB, look for it to happen in the second round or possibly later in the first round if they trade down. 

You don't think Mike Brown is awesome? Well think again.
Not every second round draft pick gets a Chuck E. Cheese
gift certificate as a signing bonus. Ray Maualuga did in 2009. 

Now lets talk about defense. The Bengals defense sucked in 2010. And by suck, we mean watching them was more painful then having all of your teeth knocked out by a drunk donkey who kicks you in the mouth with its hind legs. Drunk donkeys are dangerous, which is why you should never give donkey's alcohol. 

Drunk donkey's aside, there is a point here: if the Bengals draft a defensive player, no one at INSIC will be mad. 

Someone at ESPN horribly screwed up this graphic, the words "Bengals" and "Draft Party"
should never be in the same sentence. Unless of course, that sentence is "I drank a lot of
DRAFT beer at a PARTY and then blacked out because I'm an alcoholic BENGALS fan."

So who will the Bengals pick? 

Rumor has it that a certain University of Georgia receiver has been praying every night that he doesn't get drafted by the Bengals, his name: A.J. Green. Well A.J., god works in mysterious ways, sometimes condoms rip, sometimes they don't. For A.J. Green, the condom will rip tonight, the Bengals will draft him. 

If you're on Twitter, feel free to send your condolences his way after the Bengals pick him tonight. 

Out at Second! Mike Leake Caught Stealing (From Downtown Cincinnati Macy's)

"Who's going to be at the ballpark tonight?" Probably not Mike Leake because he's in jail. 

We understand that you might not believe the next sentence you read, but we're going to write it anyway.

Did Pac Man Jones frame Mike Leake?
INSIC asks the tough questions. 

A Cincinnati pro sports player was arrested today for doing something criminal and it WASN'T a Bengal. Seriously, it wasn't a Bengal. It was Reds pitcher Mike Leake (and no it wasn't Pac-Man Jones trying to frame Leake by wearing a Mike Leake jersey. Jesus, that wouldn't even work, they're not even the same color.)

Anyway, here's the arrest report.  

Apparently Leake decided to pull a Winona Ryder when he tried to walk out of Macy's with some clothing that he didn't exactly pay for.  The second year pitcher grabbed six American Rag t-shirts off the rack (street value: $59.88), tore off the security tags and then proceeded to walk out of the store. In most states, including Ohio, this is known as stealing.

Since stealing is illegal, police were forced to arrest Leake. At 2:32 p.m. today, the pitcher was booked into the Hamilton County Justice Center. At 3:20 p.m., he was already tweeting about the incident, he wants to know who will be at the ballpark tonight. Lets all agree that there's a 95 percent chance Leake won't be.

Mike Leake's mugshot.

Somewhere, Peter Warrick is smiling (if Peter Warrick references aren't your thing, lets just say he used to play for the Bengals and he too once stole from Macy's).

Also, Macy's hasn't announced it, but if the wheels are turning in the PR Department, the store will be handing out $59.88 gift cards to the first 1,000 fans at tonights game.

Oh and in case you're wondering, Leake's salary this year is $425,000. Meaning he could have bought the six shirts, then bought six prostitutes to put the shirts on, then bought each prostitute their own 8-ball of coke and then still had money left for the penicillin he'd have to buy to cure the STD's the hookers give him.