Saturday, September 24, 2011

INSIC's Bengals-49ers Pick, Plus How the Week Could Have Been Worse for the Bengals

Worst week ever? Obviously you weren't a Bengals fan in 1989.
If you're a Bengals fan, then you probably realize that this week has been straight out of a Stephen King novel, that is, if Stephen King wrote sports novels about illegal marijuana deliveries.

As bad as this week has been though, please keep in mind that it could have been worse... and we'll tell you why.

Lets review:

Monday: the Bengals announce that Jordan Shipley has a torn ACL and will miss the rest of the season.
Shipley's lucky he's not a gopher.

But it could have been worse, the Bengals could have announced that Shipley has a flesh eating virus that turns you into a gopher and causes AIDS. They didn't though. They announced it was only a torn ACL. ONLY a torn ACL.

Tuesday: Authorities track a 2.5 pound shipment of high-grade marijuana to Jerome Simpson's house. Simpson is now under investigation and because of that, he missed practice on Thursday and Friday. Based on the situation, Simpson might also miss Sunday's game against the 49ers, along with every Bengals game for the next 2-4 years.

But it could have been worse, Simpson could have had a dump truck full of cocaine delivered to a Cincinnati area foster home and then forced the poor foster children to do coke lines at gun point. Not only would have this been worse, it would have been 11 times more illegal than having 2.5 pounds of high-grade marijuana delivered to your house.

Thursday: Mike Silver from Yahoo! sports reports that the NFL has suspended Cedric Benson for three games. Silver says Benson will be allowed to play Sunday against the 49ers and will have the chance to appeal the suspension on Tuesday. Of course, it could have been worse, Benson could have shot himself in the leg at a nightclub.

INSIC's Weekly Power Rankings that have Nothing to do with Power

We explained how our power rankings work last week, if you need a refresher, click here.


1. New England (2-0): Do you think Ochocinco finds irony in the fact that the Jerome Simpson marijuana investigation involves ocho point cinco ounces of pot? He has too. Right?

2. San Diego (1-1): In week one, Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding tore his ACL on the first play of the game. This week against the Chiefs, every player on San Diego's roster could tear their ACL on the first play of the game and the Chargers would still win.

3. Baltimore (1-1): Last Sunday, the Ravens defense got torched like a stunt double in Backdraft. Matt Hasselbeck threw for over 300 yards and Tennessee rolled. The Ravens defense will be mad Sunday against the Rams, which means there's a very good chance that at least 12 Rams players will suffer season ending injuries this weekend.

4. Houston (2-0): If the Texans are good at anything, its completely collapsing after a 2-0 start. In 2007, the Texans started 2-0, only to lose five of their next six. In 2010, the Texans started 2-0, only to lose six of their next eight. This year, the Texans are 2-0 and oh, lets look at their next four games: Saints, Raiders, Steelers, Ravens. Best case scenario there: 1-3.

Harvard QB's are undefeated this season.
5. Buffalo (2-0): The Bills and their Harvard quarterback came back from down 21-3 Sunday to beat the Raiders, that's the surprising part. The non-surprising part, Ryan Fitzpatrick divided the Quadratic Equation by the Pythagorean Theorem and then multiplied it by Murphy's Law to figure out the velocity he needed to throw the ball for the winning touchdown. Its OK to hate Harvard and anyone that's ever gone there.

6. Cincinnati (1-1): After two weeks, the Bengals are tied for first in the AFC North, which is three places higher than where most people thought they would be.


1.  Green Bay Packer (2-0): If the Packers were in the NFC West, they would have already clinched a playoff berth... and its only been two weeks.

2. New Orleans (1-1): The Saints play the Houston Texans this week and here's an interesting stat for you: since entering the league in 2002, the Texans are 1-8 in week three. What we're trying to say here, is that basically, New Orleans has a bye this week.

3. Philadelphia (1-1): There were reports that Michael Vick was coughing up blood at halftime of Sunday's game against the Falcons. Now, no one here at INSIC has a medical degree, but we saw a squirrel coughing up blood once and it died the next day. So someone should probably keep an eye on Vick. 

Why isn't there an all-bird division in the NFL?
INSIC asks the tough questions.
4. San Francisco 49ers (1-1): Due to the general suckiness of the NFC West, a record of 5-11 is going to win it this season. This works out well for the 49ers because they only have four winnable games left on their schedule and no, one of them is not the Bengals.

5. Atlanta Falcons (1-1): If there was a bird division in the NFL (Falcons, Cardinals, Seahawks, Eagles), the Falcons would win it this year. Unfortunately for Atlanta, the NFL doesn't let 6-year-olds pick the divisions, so they're going to have to get past New Orleans if they want to win the NFC South.

6. Detroit Lions (2-0): As a city, Detroit really has nothing going for it. They have a high murder rate, no economy to speak of and nine out of every 10 people there are unemployed. Detroit's really like a combination of Cleveland and a state prison. These people need the Lions. Everyone cheer for the Lions.

Week 3 Picks

In week one, we threw a bunch of cats off of a tall building to make our picks. We went 10-6. Last week we used the slightly more animal friendly strategy of picking the team that sucks less. We went 14-2.
INSIC will be using the Toys R Us strategy for making picks this week.

This week, we're going the Jerome Simpson route. We're going to hot box a Toys 'R' Us bathroom and then ask the cop who eventually arrests us who he thinks is going to win. Got it. Good.

Week 2 Picks
Straight-up: 14-2
SU Overall: 24-8
Against the Spread: 9-7
ATS Overall: 19-13
Exact Week 2 Picks: 1 (We picked Atlanta over Philly 35-31, Atlanta beat Philly 35-31).
Exact Picks Overall: 2

Week 3 Picks
Cincinnati 24-20 over San Francisco
Philadelphia 31-24 over N.Y. Giants
New Orleans 38-31 over Houston
Carolina 27-17 over Jacksonville
New England 38-34 over Buffalo
Cleveland 24-17 over Miami
Tennessee 27-20 over Denver
Detroit 31-20 over Minnesota
Baltimore 35-24 over St. Louis
N.Y. Jets 24-13 over Oakland
San Diego 34-17 over Kansas City
Seattle 20-17 over Arizona
Atlanta 34-28 over Tampa Bay
Pittsburgh 31-13 over Indianapolis
Chicago 24-20 over Green Bay
Dallas 28-20 over Washington

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