Saturday, February 14, 2009

Valentine's Day: A Single Guys Christmas

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “damn, this kid must have gone to the Chris Brown school of chivalry, because he’s crazy; Valentine’s Day is on the 14th, not Christmas.”

Well, I beg to differ, for all of you guys out there who’ve had a chance to talk to a girl since you hit puberty, you probably know that the most wallowing, self-pitying, self-deprecating day of the year for a single girl is Valentine’s Day.

For some reason, on this day, it’s like all the single girls in the world are on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound, picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

Now you single guys out there (and guys in relationships I guess, I mean who am I to discriminate against anyone who wants to get some) need to take advantage of this opportunity that only comes along once a year.

Undoubtedly some tampon wearing single has mortified you with tails of Valentine’s Day disappointment, she probably let you know that her and her friends refer to the 14th as “Single’s Awareness Day,” (Supposedly girls in the know refer to it by it’s acronym, SAD). Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they are basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, hell a throat lozenge, anything that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (However, if the porn she starts acting out is 2 girls, 1 cup, I recommend finding another female)

Girls are crying out for us to do something, anything, it is because of these fretful females that Valentine’s Day has become the Super Bowl of one night stands. I mean if chivalry is still alive, then we as a male species, need to step up and literally “do” our duty. (And by duty, I really mean “closest girl friend that is single.”)

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me, or are just bad with the ladies, well let me reassure you, you guys can hook up to. If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything. I once saw a guy get laid four minutes after he told some chick that he named his dog Jar Jar Binks, if this guy got laid, then you’re good.

Other lame lines to consider are: “let’s go back to my place and watch ‘The Notebook,’” or even my favorite, “excuse me, have you ever had sex with a waffle iron in a bathtub full of maple syrup…” , people I assure you these weak lines will work (However, don’t ever use “let’s go back to my place and watch an unedited video of my parents honeymoon,” this will probably get you slapped and quickly thrown out of any bar).

Just do not forget that getting a girl home on February 14th is easier than bowling a 37 with bumpers on; an eight-year-old with lumpy skin virus could do it.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are awesome, you might get more ass tonight than Justin Timberlake gets in a week (Which from what I hear is a lot).

Seriously, it's a simple equation; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals happy men and unwanted pregnancies.

If you’re a male between 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and voted for Barack Obama, you’re as good as laid. If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and have never seen the movie “He’s just not that in to You,” you’ll go home with someone tonight and if you’re over 45, you don’t even have to try, just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you.

Men, you might as well be Tom Brady tonight, because this is the one night of the year where you and him have an equal shot of getting laid.

On a side note, all you November 14 babies out there (ahem, Jeff Binkowski, my nephew Simon), we know when you were conceived, which means your parents are probably celebrating by doing it right now, that's just gross, isn't it?

John Breech wrote this for Valentine's Day 2005, he has made yearly revisions since, and he would like to say hi to his mom.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Super Bowl XLIII (The Greatest Ever?)

Seriously, five minutes after Super Bowl XLIII was over, I heard the word 'greatest' being tossed around like a midget in a kinky porn. Greatest catch ever (No), Greatest Super Bowl ever (No) and the Steelers may have the greatest D ever (Not even close).

Lets work right to left alphabetically speaking: First of all, this wasn't the Greatest Super Bowl ever, as everyone at seems to think, from Peter King to Don "My Super Bowl Snap Judgements Sucked" Banks.

The first three quarters of this game were so boring that I started watching old episodes of Full House (Usually I'm blacked out in a seedy Mexican hotel room if I'm watching Full House). Not once during my childhood did I ever find Uncle Joey entertaining, however, after watching the first three quarters of this game, I found him funnier then season one of Family Guy.

Anyway, while scouring the world wide web, I really only found two people who agree with me about this not being the Superest Super Bowl ever; Luke "My reasons make no sense, but my article is being linked here because I agree with Breech" Russert (I mean seriously Luke, this isn't baseball, you don't need a rivalry game to make for a big Super Bowl) and Mike "I somehow managed to mention Beverly Hills Cop III without being funny" Freeman.

Let me quote Mr. King on why Super Bowl XXIII (my personal favorite) wasn't the best:
Super Bowl XXIII had Joe Montana driving the 49ers 11 plays and 92 yards for the winning touchdown with 34 second left was a classic finish, but again, not a classic game.
Gee, Pete, just insert XLIII for XXIII and Warner or Roethlisberger for Montana and you just described Sunday's game. I will say that hands down, the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XLIII was the wildest ride ever.

I spilled my popcorn, dropped a slice of pizza and choked on a piece of broccoli, all in a span of eight minutes. Just when I thought things couldn't get crazier, someone would safety someone, then when I thought the vaunted Steeler D would step up, they pull the defensive equivalent of a Scott Norwood, but instead of wide right, they went wide open, as in they just left the entire field wide open for Larry Fitzgerald and friends, handing the Cardinals a touchdown on a silk snuggie.

Then, just when I thought Ben had hit his career peak on the first drive of the game (because seriously, between that drive and the final drive, what in the name of Art Rooney did he do), he makes miraculous play after miraculous play looking like an experimental breeding of Randall Cunningham and Joe Montana gone horribly right.

Then what happens? "The Catch II," or the Immaculate reception II or what ever the hell you want to call it, but the way I see it, the only person luckier then Ben Roethlisberger today is Turtle from Entourage because he's nailing Jamie Lynn Sigler (Not just on the show, but in real life).

Ben himself said on Letterman the night after the game that he was lucky the ball wasn't picked. That's right people, on the most important play of the game, Ben might as well have been blindfolded because he just threw it up and crossed his fingers that he wasn't going to become the next Neil O'Donnell (Steelers fans, we know that name rings a bell).

Holmes for his part told the media after the game that he didn't even have to jump for the ball. I repeat, the man didn't jump, the catch itself wasn't impressive, it was the fact that he kept his toes in, but guess what, Holmes had no pressure on him, if he drops it, it's third down and at worst, the Steelers kick the Field Goal and go to OT. And who was covering him, three high school safeties, what the hell happened there?

Tyree's catch is number one, if you look at this picture, you'll still think he doesn't catch it, if I was a Patriots fan, I would have just thrown up looking at that link. And in the Bizarro world where Tyree doesn't catch this pass (on fourth down mind you), the Patriots go 19-0, Tom Brady is elected president, New York Minute is a good movie and Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline (wait that actually happened).

I'll let CBS's Gregg Doyel tell you why I'm wrong... Although if Doyel looks at the picture on his OWN page, he'll notice there is nothing special about Holmes' effort, he is sitting there waiting for the ball people, WAITING, if it gets tipped, great nice play by the Cards, if it doesn't, Holmes has to do nothing except catch it and keep his toes in and milk the MVP award for everything it's worth....

I really want to break down Harrison's interception, but that might take all day, kind of like the actual run back. I mean what the hell happened, did Boldin and Fitzgerald take a bathroom break before they began pursuit, those two can run 100 yards in the time it takes Harrison to go 30.

Holy Crap, I'm out of breath, but let's talk about the Steeler's defense. All you normal people out there probably know that slapping a woman is not a good idea. Well that's basically what the Steeler's did four times this season.

TWENTY FIVE PERCENT of their schedule was against the two worst offenses in football (Bengals and Browns). Look at the division, Fitzpatrick, Flacco and Anderson/Quinn; me, a chipmunk and the cast of Mean Girls could have fielded a top 10 defense against that slate. But it gets worse, nine of their 16 games were against teams with bottom 12 offenses. Wait can I go one step further please, I'm on a roll, what happened when the Steelers went against top 10 offenses, glad you asked; 2-2 in the regular season, 1-0 in the post season. Kurt Warner should be arrested for Statutory Rape because that's what the old man did to the young Steeler defense.

The goat of the game is Arizona Offensive coordinator Todd Haley, honestly, did he have a child before the game because he was on maternity leave the whole first half.

Haley, were you really trying to run the ball, everyone who has ever watched four seconds of football knows that the Kryptonite of the Steeler D is the spread. Line up four or five receivers and the Steelers look more confused then someone watching season 3 of Lost.

Alright, well, that's all for today, but be sure to tune in next week when I think of 10 more reasons why the Steelers piss me off and Cincinnati Fans, it goes without saying that watching the Steelers win the Super Bowl is like getting kicked in the nuts by someone with Down Syndrome, it's painful and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.