Saturday, February 14, 2009

Valentine's Day: A Single Guys Christmas

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “damn, this kid must have gone to the Chris Brown school of chivalry, because he’s crazy; Valentine’s Day is on the 14th, not Christmas.”

Well, I beg to differ, for all of you guys out there who’ve had a chance to talk to a girl since you hit puberty, you probably know that the most wallowing, self-pitying, self-deprecating day of the year for a single girl is Valentine’s Day.

For some reason, on this day, it’s like all the single girls in the world are on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound, picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

Now you single guys out there (and guys in relationships I guess, I mean who am I to discriminate against anyone who wants to get some) need to take advantage of this opportunity that only comes along once a year.

Undoubtedly some tampon wearing single has mortified you with tails of Valentine’s Day disappointment, she probably let you know that her and her friends refer to the 14th as “Single’s Awareness Day,” (Supposedly girls in the know refer to it by it’s acronym, SAD). Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they are basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, hell a throat lozenge, anything that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (However, if the porn she starts acting out is 2 girls, 1 cup, I recommend finding another female)

Girls are crying out for us to do something, anything, it is because of these fretful females that Valentine’s Day has become the Super Bowl of one night stands. I mean if chivalry is still alive, then we as a male species, need to step up and literally “do” our duty. (And by duty, I really mean “closest girl friend that is single.”)

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me, or are just bad with the ladies, well let me reassure you, you guys can hook up to. If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything. I once saw a guy get laid four minutes after he told some chick that he named his dog Jar Jar Binks, if this guy got laid, then you’re good.

Other lame lines to consider are: “let’s go back to my place and watch ‘The Notebook,’” or even my favorite, “excuse me, have you ever had sex with a waffle iron in a bathtub full of maple syrup…” , people I assure you these weak lines will work (However, don’t ever use “let’s go back to my place and watch an unedited video of my parents honeymoon,” this will probably get you slapped and quickly thrown out of any bar).

Just do not forget that getting a girl home on February 14th is easier than bowling a 37 with bumpers on; an eight-year-old with lumpy skin virus could do it.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are awesome, you might get more ass tonight than Justin Timberlake gets in a week (Which from what I hear is a lot).

Seriously, it's a simple equation; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals happy men and unwanted pregnancies.

If you’re a male between 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and voted for Barack Obama, you’re as good as laid. If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and have never seen the movie “He’s just not that in to You,” you’ll go home with someone tonight and if you’re over 45, you don’t even have to try, just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you.

Men, you might as well be Tom Brady tonight, because this is the one night of the year where you and him have an equal shot of getting laid.

On a side note, all you November 14 babies out there (ahem, Jeff Binkowski, my nephew Simon), we know when you were conceived, which means your parents are probably celebrating by doing it right now, that's just gross, isn't it?

John Breech wrote this for Valentine's Day 2005, he has made yearly revisions since, and he would like to say hi to his mom.

1 comment:

  1. John, this is why we're writing soulmates. THIS. IS. WHY!