Saturday, April 11, 2009

Low Prices Lure John to Wal-Mart

By John Breech/Staff

Last Saturday, after a long day at work, Alpharetta resident John Breech decided to make a visit to the local Wal-Mart. "I only had $11 in my wallet and that's like $1000 at Wal-Mart," said Breech. The 27-year-old bought several necessities, including Captain Crunch, english muffins and frozen pizza. However, John was disgusted when he reached the check-out lane. "I have all of three items, so naturally I make my way to the 12 items or less check out lane," he said. "Then, who's in front me, Georgia's version of Octo-mom. She had at least five times more items then you're suppose to have in this lane." Breech fumed. "Honestly, if she didn't obviously have 17 kids, I would have kicked her in the vagina... can I say vagina in the paper? I can say something else if you want."

Breech guessed that the woman had around 17 kids because her grocery cart was filled with two things: hot dogs and spam (see accompanying picture). "I know the economy's down, but are you really suppose to be feeding your kids this stuff," wondered Breech, who has no kids that he's aware of. "And if that wasn't bad enough, she didn't even buy buns for the hot dogs, talk about the worst mom ever. My brother used to punch the dog when my mom didn't buy buns," Breech said.

According to Breech, getting the pictures of the spam and hot dog buffet was no easy task, "I pretended like I was texting a friend, but my phone was obviously pointed at the grotesque amount of food on the check out counter, but ironically, I think Octo-mom was distracted by an US Weekly article about the real Octo-Mom."

After he left, Breech vowed to never visit Wal-Mart again. "I was in line for three hours, I could have spent that time writing on Jeff Binkowski's facebook wall about how bad the Steeler's suck even though they've won two Super Bowls in the last four years."

Finally, Breech would like to point out that the amount of food on the check-out counter was only about one-fourth of what was in the cart.

1 comment:

  1. Sister Ruth is super awesomeApril 23, 2009 at 11:29 PM

    Hot dogs and spam?! Shut up, you were buying that crap and put it on the counter for the photo op. You did not take that pic with 17 kids running around. This is so sick.

    So, I can't believe I am reading your blog. But its kind of funny. Way better than Derf, potential of overhauling the Onion-we'll see if you can build your community...........