Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Pirate Attacks Causing Sales Slide and Hostage Situations at Long John Silver's

By John Breech/Staff

Hostages aren't the only people suffering at the hands of the pirates. According to Long John Silver's executive Vice President Mark Black, his company is suffering too.

"Just two nights ago, at a restaurant in Detroit, a customer took one of our cashier's hostage." Black says. "Thankfully, that incident ended peacefully because the hostage was let go after giving her captor's a free chicken planks platter."

According to the VP, hostage taking is only one of the problems. Black says Long John Silver's sales have declined over 83 percent since the first pirate attack just over two weeks ago. What's alarming, he says, is that people are assuming pirates work at Long John Silver's simply because the restaurant is named after a pirate. Not even remotely true says Black.

He also said that nationwide, the number of cashier's being taken hostage has shot up ten-fold. "This stuff used to happen all the time in Detroit, but we would just shake it off, I mean, it's Detroit, half the people there are homeless" he says. "But when it started happening in other cities, the higher ups got a little worried."

The low point for the fish chain may have come last night at their highest selling store, "Our Savannah Georgia branch once sold 14,000 Ultimate Fried Fish Sandwiches in one day," Black bragged before admitting that he couldn't quite put his finger on why the fried fish sold so well down south. "Last night, they don't sell one."

The "Savannah Shocker," as Long John Silvers top executives have tabbed it, has led to a complete overhaul of how the seafood restaurant is going to do business. "Look at Red Lobster," says Black. "They sell seafood and their cashiers aren't being taken hostage, their sales aren't affected by pirates."

Long John Silver's has decided to attack the problem by going a route that they know many people might protest, "We're not proud of it, but we're going gay," says Black. "A lot of kids growing up would call us Long DONG Silver's, so we knew we had built-in brand awareness. Our chicken fingers and fish stix will be shaped more like the male anatomy, which we think women and gay men will enjoy that much more. And in-store testing has indicated that kids won't notice a thing."

Black says that the new Long Dong Silver will only employ men and that the first made-over restaurant will open in Pittsburgh because as he eloquently puts it, "Everyone there is pretty gay."

Black also emphasized that this isn't a permanent thing, "As soon as the pirates are gone, we'll go back to the way we've been doing business since 1969, although we'll probably close all our stores in Detroit and send more Ultimate Fried Fish Sandwiches to Savannah."

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