Saturday, April 18, 2009

Unemployment Rate in Michigan Reaches 100 Percent

By John Breech/Staff

In a shocking sign that the economic downturn is nowhere near over, the unemployment rate in Michigan this week reached an astounding new high; 100 percent. Everyone in the state is now out of a job.

Michigan resident Jennifer Granholm, who was Governor until she found herself unemployed yesterday, took it in stride, "After President Obama fired [GM CEO] Rick Wagoner, we knew it was only a matter of time," says the ex-governor. "I think the real shocker was when the NFL left the Lions off the 2009 schedule, I mean nobody saw that coming."

When the NFL announced the schedule Tuesday, the Lions were widely expected to be on it. However, new head coach Jim Schwartz knew something was up when he noticed that Chicago, Green Bay and Minnesota all had three byes on their schedule, "Every other team gets one bye, then the NFC North teams got three," Schwartz says. "I kept thinking 'bull [crap],' we were suppose to have the Bengals on our schedule this year, we had a legitmate shot at a win."

Tuesday night the NFL issued a press release announcing that each Lions player would be available in a dispersal draft on Wednesday, however, as of today (4/18) not one Lions player has been picked up by another team.

The Lions weren't the only bad news for the state, also on Wednesday, while she was still Governor, Granholm gave a state of the state address announcing all the jobs cuts.

"As most of you have heard, Mr. Wagoner and the Detroit Lions are all out of jobs," Granholm said in her speech that was televised live in Lansing. "Well, its actually worse then it appears, our top three industries; manufacturing, tourism and agriculture have taken such large hits that we are going to have to lay off everyone in the state, including myself."

At that moment, Granholm's speech ended because the cameraman, who was employed by the state's public broadcasting station, no longer had a job. Also, Granholm stopped talking because she figured no one was listening since she was no longer Governor.

Most economists agree that Granholm had no choice, "After President Obama took over GM, Chrysler and Ford, then combined those companies into one and then moved that company to Honduras, I was pretty sure the Michigan job market would suffer," said expert economist John Yaddle, who probably has a Harvard degree. "Not to mention, tourism dropped from 6 million people in 2007 to 28 in 2008, that's the state's second biggest source of income."

Yaddle also pointed out that Michigan State's appearance in the Final Four actually hurt the Great Lakes state. "If they [MSU] let Louisville win [in the elite eight], then you get several thousand stupid Kentuckians up here spending money like the state's economic infrastructure depends on it, which it actually would have."

Another casualty of the cuts will be the state's public Universities as they will all have to close - this came as good news to Ohio State fans. "Honestly, it [Ohio State-Michigan] wasn't even a rivalry anymore," said an anonymous Ohio State fan. "Since Tressel got here, we've been beating them like a mixed race step child."

The extensive job loss in Michigan led Toledo, Ohio mayor Carty Finkbeiner to announce that his city will host a job fair for Michiganians. "Jennifer Granholm called me and told me she had a plan to hold a [job] fair at Michigan Stadium, however, at 100 percent unemployment, she found out there was no one to work the fair. So the City of Toledo is proud to announce that we will be stepping in and having a job fair Sunday open to all Michigan residents, including former Detroit Lions players. All you need to do is bring some proof of Michigan residenceship and a 500 word essay on how bad your life sucked in Michigan."

1 comment:

  1. John, as a ex-Michiganian that was hilarious! I really enjoyed it, two thumbs up or as of right now, two very red sunburned boobs up! Trying to dry the aloe vera gel! oooouuchhh