Sunday, April 26, 2009

On the Clock: John Breech Breaks down the Bengals Draft

Alright people, because I'm in a good mood and because I feel bad that the Andy Kennedy court transcript (below) was longer than the bible, I'm going to go ahead and sum up the first five rounds of the Bengals 2009 draft for you; bad, good, good, good, good, we drafted a punter.

You're welcome.

First and foremost, I hate the Andre Smith pick, mostly because I hate Andre Smith. If the Bengals had the first pick in an imaginary draft that consisted of Andre Smith, Jesus and a meth addict, I would have wanted them to take the meth addict first (Jesus is undersized for the NFL, Andre Smith is less reliable).

For those of you who missed this year's Sugar Bowl (Utah vs. Alabama), you're in the same category as Andre because he missed it too. Wait, what? Bama's best tackle didn't play in his team's most important game, he must have had swine flu or something, right? Nope, he was suspended. Smith decided NFL money was more important then his Crimson Tide teammates. So he went out to dinner with an agent. Now I expect something like that out of Chris Henry, but not a number six overall pick in the NFL draft.

As my facebook profile clearly stated Saturday one hour before the draft started:

If the Bengals draft Andre Smith, please turn off your television and give up on the 2009 season.

Here's my problem, Smith is going to be protecting Carson Palmer, this is a bad thing. Ripped condoms give better protection then Andre Smith. He eats what he wants and has John Daly's workout habits. His weight fluctuates more than Oprah's, his college teammates didn't trust him and Alabama coach Nick Saban likes him. Usually when a coach likes you, its a good thing, unless that coach is Nick Saban. <--- If you don't follow football, everyone hates Saban, even LSU fans and he won them a National Championship. Oh and did I mention he left the NFL combine early because he was out of shape and then had a terrible pro day when scouts made their way to Tuscaloosa. On the other hand, there is an upside. If Smith actually tries, isn't lazy and cuts down on his trips to Taco Bell, he could be the best tackle the Bengals have ever had not named Anthony Munoz. Plus, at least we know he's cool, I mean the guy did announce he was going pro on Facebook. Alright, now its time to get to the part of the draft that should have given Bengal nation a collective orgasm. "With pick number 38 in the 2009 NFL draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select..." I got about 13 text messages leading up to the prior statement, most of them went something like this: If we don't take Ray Ray, I quit as a Bengals fan.

Ray's freak dance with ESPN's Erin Andrews alone would make this the best pick ever.

If we take Maualuga, we could take 4 punters, a kicker and a hairless cat with the rest of our picks and I would still be happy.

Then the Bengals did something they never do: the obvious thing. They drafted Maualuga. He is the Bengals Chuck Norris, this guy can do anything, fans are going to love him (unless he goes Odell on us) Over the next ten seasons, we're going to make up things about him like "Ray Maualuga eats steak for every single meal even though most of the time he forgets to kill the cow. " He has legend written all over him.

With the third pick, the Bengals took Michael Johnson from Georgia Tech. I live in Atlanta and I saw this freak of nature play twice this year. You want girls to be freaks in the bed, you want newly drafted third round picks to be freaks in the weight room. Johnson is exactly that, if Andre Smith spends 10 minutes working out with Johnson, he will either die of a heart attack or become the most ripped tackle in the NFL. If everyone on the team works out with Johnson, they can just go ahead and start sizing everyone for Super Bowl rings.

Then, we went Tight End, Center, Punter. I don't think any team in the history of the NFL draft has ever picked those three positions in a row.

I love the punter choice, even though it may have been a reach in the 5th round, but you can't hate on Kevin Huber mainly because he was born and raised in Cincinnati.

Oh and if you're reading this with your Kyle Larson jersey on, that thing is depreciating in value faster then AIG stock. Nothing says "we don't want you anymore" like signing a free agent punter and drafting a punter in a span of 40 days. I'll go ahead and add him to my list of people I won't be expecting at training camp.

This is the first time in six years that I didn't blow a kidney stone the day after the draft. The Bengals did something right <--- I love writing that, mainly because they only do something right about three times a decade.

Bengal's 2009 Draft Overall Grade: A- (A+ if Andre Smith isn't at Taco Bell right now)

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