Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine's Day: A Single Guy's Christmas

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you might be saying to yourself right now, “Jesus, Breech, have you been doing meth hits with homeless people again because Christmas already came on Dec. 25, I remember because I hated it; my girlfriend got me a Miley Cyrus poster, a pair of socks and a home pregnancy kit that I think she had already opened and used."

OK, so it's true, Christmas already came, but if you think about it, Dec. 25 is the no fun Christmas: family, fruitcakes, caroling -- nobody likes that stuff. Plus no one gets to have sex during the holidays because it's impossible to do it when you're aunt and grandma are staying in the same house and sleeping in the bedroom next to you.

So single guys, listen up, because here's the secret: the real Christmas is February 14 – there's no family, fruitcakes or caroling on Valentine's Day. There's only three things: chocolate, flowers, wine and sex. OK, so that's four things, but that's not important, because as you're about to find out, you don't have to be able to count or read or be able to do anything well to take advantage of single girls on Valentine's Day.

Now why is it so easy to take advantage of single girls on Valentine's Day? 

Because for some reason, on February 14th, all the single girls in the world act like they're on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound. Picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

If you've talked to any single girl in the past 10 years, she has probably mortified you with at least eight stories involving a Valentine’s Day disappointment.

Give a girl a taco and you might get laid.
Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they're basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, a taco or hell, an animal cracker will do; just give me something that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (Editor's Note: girls acting like porn stars is a good thing: unless the porn star she wants to act like is one of the females from 2 girls, 1 cup. That is not a good thing. In that case you might want to find another girl)

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but over the last 10 years, Valentine’s Day has turned into the Super Bowl of one-night stands. If 110 million people watched the Super Bowl, twice that many times three will be having sex on Valentine's Day, you do the math. Did you do the math? Because here's another number: 80 percent of the people having sex on Valentine's Day are single girls. Sure the numbers don't add up, but they will once you find a drunk girl at the bar on the 14th.

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me or look like a fatter, less attractive version of Peter Griffin, well let me assure you, you guys can get laid too.

If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything.
Not being related to John Candy can get you
 laid on Valentine's Day

I once told a girl that I was related to John Candy, the conversation went like this:

ME: You know, I'm related to John Candy.

HER: Oh my god, I want to do him so bad.

ME: Umm, he's dead.

HER: Really? Oh well, I've never heard of him anyway, let's get naked.

Four minutes later, we were doing it in the soup aisle at a nearby supermarket.

Examples of other famous dead/non-existent people you can say you're 'related' to are: A.C. Slater, Dennis Hopper, anyone from the cast of Full House or even Kim Jong Un -- sure, he's the dictator of North Korea and Hopper's dead -- but girls are willing to look past that on Valentine's Day. 

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are 98.7 percent. The only way you can blow it is if you get hit by a bus on the way to the bar. Statistics say you getting hit by a bus is not probable. Statistics say that you're getting laid.

Seriously college guys, for you, the math is this simple; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals lots of sex and thousands of unwanted pregnancies. However college guys, please stay away from the 16-year-olds because the last thing this country needs is another season of 16 and pregnant. Also, it's illegal. In most states. Unfortunately, I don't have a list handy for you. 

If you know who was eliminated from the most recent
episode of the Bachelor, you're as a good as laid on
Valentine's Day (Hint: her name's Kat)
Oh and you non-college guys, don't get your hopes down. If you’re a male between the ages of 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and know all the words to at least one Taylor Swift song, you're as good as laid. 

If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and can name the last two girls that were eliminated from the Bachelor, you’ll go home with someone hot tonight. 

Hot single girls like the Bachelor, it's a fact. They'll probably pretend you're Juan Pablo the whole time you're having sex, but who cares, you're having sex.

Finally, if you’re over 45, good god, you don’t even have to try -- just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you. Although if you do have sex with a 19-year-old make sure she's 19 and not 16 because A. it's even more illegal than it was four paragraphs ago B. that whole 16 and pregnant thing again.

Oh and one more thing, if you were born on or around November 14, you are the product of a drunken Valentine's liaison. It's a fact, which means one thing -- your parents are probably celebrating Valentine's Day by having sex and lots of it.