Thursday, April 28, 2011

2011 NFL Draft Preview: Its Not Earth Day, but Look for Bengals to go Green

Finally, its here, the INSIC Mock Draft that's not actually a Mock Draft because we're only going to tell you who the Bengals are going to pick.

Forget Mel Kiper, Mike Mayock, Don Banks or Todd 'really gay' McShay, if you want to know who the Bengals are going to draft tonight, grab a glass of the cheapest whiskey you can find and read on. If you don't like whiskey, then you're obviously not a Bengals fan. As everyone knows, thanks to 20 years of suckiness, all Bengals fans are alcoholics who love whiskey... and vodka and gin and tequila and anything else that blacks out memories of Bengal Sundays. 

If you really want to know if you're a Bengals fan, then ask yourself these two questions: am I an alcoholic? Do I love whiskey... and gin and vodka and tequila? If you did not answer "Yes" to these questions, you are not a Bengals fan. 

Anyway, lets move on. 

Most experts like to point at a teams 'needs' when they're trying to figure out who a certain team is going to draft. We like to point at naked pictures of women, because basically with the Bengals, pointing at team 'needs' does nothing for you, there's a 90 percent chance the pick will be a bust -- and we're not talking about a Hall-of-Fame bust in Canton. 

Before we tell you who the Bengals are going to blow their first round pick on this year, lets look at their current situation: 

Carson Palmer is confused about where he'll be playing next year. 

First, lets be clear about something: the Bengals have a quarterback under contract. His name is Carson Palmer. Carson Palmer has taken the Bengals to the playoffs two more times in the past 20 years then the 10 starting quarterbacks that came before him (free used heroin needles if you can name all 10 starting quarterbacks since 1992 and Boomer doesn't count). 

So technically, the Bengals don't need a QB. If they draft one tonight with pick No. 4, it means Marvin Lewis is wearing the pants in the draft room, but we all know he's not, Mike Brown is. i.e. Marvin knows Carson would rather set his genitals on fire than play for the Bengals, Mike Brown doesn't care. Brown would play Palmer even if his genitals were on fire. 

If the Bengals do draft a QB, look for it to happen in the second round or possibly later in the first round if they trade down. 

You don't think Mike Brown is awesome? Well think again.
Not every second round draft pick gets a Chuck E. Cheese
gift certificate as a signing bonus. Ray Maualuga did in 2009. 
Now lets talk about defense. The Bengals defense sucked in 2010. And by suck, we mean watching them was more painful then having all of your teeth knocked out by a drunk donkey who kicks you in the mouth with its hind legs. Drunk donkeys are dangerous, which is why you should never give donkey's alcohol. 

Drunk donkey's aside, there is a point here: if the Bengals draft a defensive player, no one at INSIC will be mad. 

Someone at ESPN horribly screwed up this graphic, the words "Bengals" and "Draft Party"
should never be in the same sentence. Unless of course, that sentence is "I drank a lot of
DRAFT beer at a PARTY and then blacked out because I'm an alcoholic BENGALS fan."
So who will the Bengals pick? 

Rumor has it that a certain University of Georgia receiver has been praying every night that he doesn't get drafted by the Bengals, his name: A.J. Green. Well A.J., god works in mysterious ways, sometimes condoms rip, sometimes they don't. For A.J. Green, the condom will rip tonight, the Bengals will draft him. 

If you're on Twitter, feel free to send your condolences his way after the Bengals pick him tonight. 

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