Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Official Bengals Skewed NFL Week 3 Power Rankings (Top 15)

If there is one thing we love to do here at Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati, its this: create an NFL power rankings that only takes into account how awesome the Bengals are.

As most Cincinnati fans know, the Bengals have slowly been creeping up on the NFL for the last 18 seasons. Its been the world's longest and most cleverly planned sneak attack.

Most Bengals fans like to call Mike Brown stupid, here at INSIC we prefer incredibly intelligent.

For the last 18 years, Brown has successfully made every NFL franchise believe that the Bengals are the French Army of the NFL, horribly organized and a threat to no one.

However, after two decades, Brown's plan is just beginning to take shape. What is that plan you ask?

Obviously it's that the Bengals are going to sneak up on every team they play this season, beat them to a pulp and then win the division. There is no other word to describe this except for brilliant.

Everyone at INSIC agrees that Brown only has one intellectual equivalent: MacGyver. Unfortunately, five minutes before we wrote this, we found out that MacGyver is a fictional character, which by default, makes Brown the smartest man on earth.

Anyway, here is the Bengals Skewed Week 3 Power Rankings:

1. Denver Broncos (2-0): You can't argue this one. Any team that beats the Bengals has to be number one. Yes, this means we had 11 teams tied at number one after last season was over. Don't ask where we had the Eagles after the tie.

2. Cincinnati Bengals (1-1): Bill Simmons is never wrong. Bill Simmons picked the Packers to win the Super Bowl. The Bengals beat the Packers, so right now, using basic elementary syllogism, we can ascertain that the Bengals are now Simmons' pick to win the Super Bowl. (Sorry for using ascertain and syllogism in the same sentence, Daniel Webster wrote the first eight paragraphs of this post).

3. Indianapolis Colts (2-0): Peyton Manning spent more time in the post game shower Monday night than his offense did with the football (14:53). If you can hold the pigskin for under 15 minutes and still win an NFL football game, your team should not only win the game, they should get free Waffle House for life...

4. Atlanta Falcons (2-0): Matt Ryan hooked up with Tony Gonzalez Sunday more times than he hooked up with his girlfriend all of last week.

5. New York Giants (2-0): Every time Eli Manning orchestrates anything resembling a comeback, everyone in the country thinks it's a fluke. That's how we know Sunday night was a fluke.

6. San Francisco 49ers (2-0): The NFC West is like a giant game of Twister being played by four blind people, three of whom are on crutches. Lucky for the 49ers, they're the team not on crutches this year.

7. New Orleans Saints (2-0): Here's the most interesting question to come out of week 3, who scored more last weekend, the Saints or Justin Timberlake?

8. New York Jets (2-0): Note to Mark Sanchez: Rookie quarterbacks do not win Super Bowls. Yes, they get laid all the time, yes they get all the free maple syrup they want, but they don't win Super Bowls.

9. Minnesota Vikings (2-0): Old Man Favre is like Taco Bell. You hate it and you won't go near it until your drunk off 18 shots of tequila and it's the only thing open. Then and only then can you enjoy it.

10. Baltimore Ravens (2-0): Ravens fans, you're lucky you're this high. Sure ESPN has you number one, but they must be forgetting that you have to play the Bengals twice this season. That's two losses. Combine that with the surefire losses to Indianapolis, Minnesota, Pittsburgh (once) and New England and that puts you at 10-6, hope its good enough to make the playoffs.

11. Green Bay Packers (1-1): Green Bay should not be punished for losing to the eventual Super Bowl champs. That's like getting pissed at your grandpa for losing to Garry Kasparov in chess.

12. Chicago Bears (1-1): Beating the Steelers usually means a jump to number three, but everyone at INSIC hates Jay Cutler. If we had a choice between viewing a Cutler post game press conference or watching Spencer Pratt have sex with a dying panda bear in a truck stop shower, well... lets just hope we're never stuck with that choice.

13. San Diego Chargers (1-1): People being suffocated to death don't choke as much as this team. Will they ever win a big game against a good team? And no, that is not a rhetorical question, the answer is, "Not as long as Norv Turner is coach."

14. New England Patriots (1-1): Maybe if Tom Brady would stop impregnating his Supermodel wife, he could find some time to win a fricking football game.

15. Buffalo Bills (1-1): The Bills won't be ranked long, we're just already tired of Terrell Owens complaining about the Bills ranking in our blog.

31. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1): This is obvious, if anything, we are over ranking them. The Steelers are horrible. They lost to the Bears, the whole city is a flammable piece of trash and Hines Ward hates old people.

32. Cleveland Browns (0-2): As if the city of Cleveland doesn't have enough problems, they now have to deal with a completely inept football team that might somehow manage to lose more games than the Indians (As of this writing the Indians have 89 losses, so this might not seem mathematically possible, but its the Browns, so you never know.)

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